tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6557239441101908292024-03-13T16:23:30.287-04:00Awesomely Bad LyricsBLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.comBlogger52125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-54187831298440720092020-01-20T08:31:00.000-05:002020-01-20T08:31:34.897-05:00Song titles that are questions, answered
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Not really a bad lyrics post, but whatever ...</div>
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Q: Should I stay or should I go?</div>
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A: Well, if I understand your situation correctly, if you go
there will be trouble, but if you stay it will be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">double</i>. So I guess there’s inertia and all that, but seems like you
should go? Just my two cents.</div>
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Q: What becomes of the broken hearted?</div>
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A: Typically, they’re sad for a while and then move on as
life inexorably progresses, new loves and/or new challenges arise, etc.</div>
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Q: What is love?</div>
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A: OK, that’s a pretty broad question, but I’ll take a stab
at it. The ancient Greeks divided love into four categories: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eros, </i>a sexual or passionate love; <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">philia</i>, deep friendship borne out of
trust and respect; <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">storge</i>, an
instinctual familial love that does not depend, as in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">philia</i>, on any particular personal qualities; and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">agape</i>, a general and universal love for
people and things. This is, of course, an oversimplification of incredibly
complex concepts, which emphasizes the tragedy that in modern English we have managed
to simplify this even more, reducing this vast spectrum of feeling to a single
word. What could be more Orwellian than to take <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything </i>that really matters to us as humans and attempt to express
it in just four letters?</div>
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Q: What’s love got to do with it?</div>
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A: Apparently, nothing.</div>
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Q: What is life?</div>
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A: Really?</div>
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Q: Does anybody really know what time it is?</div>
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A: Yes. </div>
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Q: Have you ever seen the rain?</div>
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A: Yes. Wait, is this a metaphor? Then … yes.</div>
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Q: Who’ll stop the rain?</div>
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A: During the Cold War, the U.S. and U.S.S.R. both
experimented extensively with weather-control methods that could theoretically
have caused rain to fall or prevented it from falling. Ultimately, the Soviets
and Americans both ratified the U.N.’s 1977 Environmental Modification
Convention, which banned such “weather warfare.” But given today’s political
climate, who’s to say what those devious Russkis are up to? If you’re
legitimately concerned about this problem, I’d book a flight to Moscow post
haste.</div>
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Q: Why does it always rain on me?</div>
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A: I don’t know, but I would advise against speaking to any
Russian scientists about this state of affairs, as you clearly are vulnerable
to being weaponized in the coming weather wars.</div>
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Q: How soon is now?</div>
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A: Allow me to begin by thanking you for not asking about
the rain. As for your question, this is a tricky one. One might posit that
being “in the now” or “in the moment” is fundamentally impossible, for as soon
as one comes to the realization that a moment is “now,” that moment has already
passed, propelling her into the future and a new “now.” By this conception,
living in the moment can never actually be achieved, due to its fleeting
nature. By the same token, a request to do something “now” or “right now”
cannot be fulfilled, for “now” has passed as soon as the words are spoken,
replaced by a new present and then another, and so forth. Of course, such a
view ultimately is a mere exercise in absurdity, a sort of temporal Zeno’s
paradox. To function in the world, we require a broader view of the concept of
“now,” to include multiple moments under its aegis. But then, how long is
“now”? A request to a child to pick up his toy <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">now</i> means “immediately,” but a politician who says something needs
to be done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">now </i>might mean sometime in
the next four years. If one is trying to “live in the now” while surfing a
monster wave, it might be only a few seconds. If enjoying a romantic evening, a
few hours. If trying to appreciate a particularly pleasant time in one’s life –
a vacation, a temporary lull in work responsibilities, the afterglow of the
birth of a child – it could be a matter of days or even months. So, if that
helps … wait, re-reading your question … how<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">
soon </i>is now? What are you even talking about?</div>
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Q: Do you want to know a secret?</div>
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A: Um … can I say no?</div>
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Q: Where were you when the world stopped turning?</div>
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A: About to be hurled violently into the closest geological
formation at a speed of over 1,000 miles an hour. Wait, why aren’t you dead
like the rest of us?</div>
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Q: Would?</div>
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A: Well, sure … if you could, that is. Could you? You could?
Then sure, I would.</div>
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Q: Who let the dogs out?</div>
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A: Ah. Unlike the rest of these inane queries, your question
appears to be rhetorical, containing a sly but clear reference to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Julius Caesar </i>and the “dogs of war.”
Pardon the pun, but to let that “slip” by would be a fundamental misreading of
your scathing political screed. You offer a chilling depiction of a party
that’s “pumping,” everybody “having a ball,” until all at once we hear “a woman
shout out.” This, a clear reference to economic imperialism and its faceless
victims, paired with the prediction that global inequality would ultimately
lead to unrest, serves as a prescient but unheeded warning of the Sept. 11
attacks, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the financial crisis of 2008, and an
inability to address climate change. Ultimately, the question of who let the
dogs out is (as you well know) rendered moot by the larger query: How do we get
them back in?</div>
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{page:WordSection1;}</style>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-21775583332566347202019-12-19T19:49:00.002-05:002019-12-19T19:52:54.647-05:00"Little Drummer Boy"I have little to say about this song, which is generally fine. However, as the father of a young child, I can confidently say that when caring for a newborn one values a little peace and quiet above all else, and some kid coming over uninvited to bang out a noisy drum solo would be a uniquely awful gift.<br />
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Also, the Dandy Warhols do an excellent cover of this song. Check it out.<br />
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I made a Christmas playlist a few weeks ago and have been listening to it almost exclusively, much, I am sure, to my wife and child's chagrin. I have become something of a Christmas music connoisseur, though, and I would like to offer my Top 13 Christmas songs.<br />
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<b>13. Sleigh Ride -- The Ronettes</b><br />
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The whole Phil Spector Christmas album is pretty excellent (see #2 on this list as well) and worth listening to, except for the part where Phil Spector bizarrely starts doing a creepy voice-over during the closing number, "Silent Night." That was quickly removed from the playlist.<b> </b><br />
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<b>12. Christmas Wrapping -- The Waitresses</b><br />
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I have no idea who The Waitresses are, but this is a super-fun quirky little Christmas song.<b> </b><br />
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<b>11. </b><b>All I Want for Christmas Is You -- Mariah Carey</b><br />
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I'm as surprised as you that this ended up on here, but it is so goddamn catchy. <b><br /></b><br />
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<b>10. Just Like Christmas -- Low</b><br />
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Low is one of those bands that I always forget about, and then whenever I hear them I'm like "Shit, Low is so good." And then I forget about them again. This song is fabulous.<b> </b><br />
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<b>9. Christmas Unicorn -- Sufjan Stevens</b><br />
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Sufjan Stevens has recorded literally almost 100 Christmas songs that are contained in two massive albums, and while there are a handful of traditional songs, they seem to mostly be original compositions. He is ridiculous and insane and I love him. "Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!" is another great one.<br />
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<b>8. Father Christmas -- The Kinks</b><br />
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C'mon, it's the Kinks. Father Christmas! Gimme some money!<b> </b><br />
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<b>7. Christmas in Hollis -- Run-DMC</b><br />
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This song is a rollicking good time.<b> </b><br />
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<b>6. Pretty Paper -- Willie Nelson</b><br />
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C'mon, it's Willie Nelson. Best voice ever.<b> </b><br />
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<b>5. </b><b>Run Rudolph Run -- Chuck Berry</b><br />
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This one should probably be a little lower but I don't feel like rearranging the whole list. It's good. Also, the lyrics say "Run run Rudolph" but the title is "Run Rudolph Run." Why?<b> </b><br />
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<b>4. </b><b>2000 Miles -- The Pretenders</b><br />
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What a lovely song. I don't know why, but this somehow evokes the image of a snowy evening more effectively than any other Christmas song I know.<b> </b><br />
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<b>3. White Christmas -- Otis Redding</b><br />
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What a gorgeous version of this song. It makes the more famous Bing Crosby version sound like all nine of Santa's reindeer crash-landing into a giant Christmas-tree shaped pile of dog shit<b> </b>topping with a star made of putrefying rat carcasses tied together with the intestines of a diseased goat.<br />
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<b>2. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) -- Darlene Love</b><br />
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I don't know if I had ever heard this song before this Christmas season, but it has quickly become my favorite.<b> </b>Just fantastic. Hard to describe why -- just listen.<br />
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<b>1. A Charlie Brown Christmas -- The Vince Guaraldi Trio</b><br />
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This is, of course, cheating, but how can you pick a single song? The whole album is just so perfect. Nothing says Christmas to me like putting this on while we decorate the tree, and maybe mull some wine, and it's not snowing but sure it <i>could </i>be, and it's warm inside and cold outside and for one of those rare moments everything is perfect.<br />
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Thanks everybody! Not sure what this blog is anymore. Luckily, nobody reads it so I will not be asked to explain anytime soon.<br />
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<br />BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-80496664856475765202019-12-16T20:31:00.000-05:002019-12-16T20:31:53.593-05:00"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"<span></span><br />
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<i><span>You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen</span><br /><span>Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen</span></i></div>
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<span>Yup, I know all of them. They are exotic dancers at Mike's Pleasure Palace on the outskirts of town. Except, ironically, for Dancer.</span></div>
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<span>Hey, did you know Donner and Blitzen are German for thunder and lightning? It makes the reindeer seem a lot more menacing. Also, I always thought it was Donner growing up, then I learned it was actually Donder, but then I guess I just learned that it doesn't matter, and who cares? That seems like the right answer.</span></div>
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<i><span> </span><span></span><span> </span><br /><span>But do you recall</span><br /><span>The most famous reindeer of all?</span></i></div>
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<span>No, I only recall those other non-famous ones that you just recited. This is like if you just rattled off U.S. presidents #s 6-15 in order from memory, and acknowledged that I also am familiar with said presidents, and then you knowingly asked me, "BUT do you recall the most famous president of all?"</span><i><span> </span></i><span>If you presume that I know all the non-famous ones, WHY WOULD I NOT KNOW THE <b>MOST FAMOUS </b>ONE? God damn you and your reindeer games!</span><i><span></span></i></div>
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<i><span>Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer</span><br /><span>Had a very shiny nose</span><br /><span>And if you ever saw it</span><br /><span>You would even say it glows</span></i></div>
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<span>Query: Did the other reindeer make fun of Rudolph because he had a red nose because of his drinking problem, or did Rudolph develop the drinking problem and the red nose because the other reindeer made fun of him? Also, how did Santa get him to sober up enough to guide the sleigh? </span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>All of the other reindeer</span><br /><span>Used to laugh and call him names</span><br /><span>They never let poor Rudolph</span><br /><span>Join in any reindeer games</span></i></div>
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<span>I would like to use this opportunity to point out that there was an ostensibly serious movie starring Ben Affleck, Gary Sinise and Charlize Theron that was inexplicably titled "Reindeer Games," because what the fuck?! </span></div>
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<i><span>Then one foggy Christmas Eve</span><br /><span>Santa came to say</span><br /><span>"Rudolph, with your nose so bright</span><br /><span>Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"</span></i></div>
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<span>OK, so Santa Claus flies all over the motherloving world every year, presumably encountering all manner of weather -- dust storms, tornadoes, plagues of locusts, robot uprisings, etc. -- and yet on this particular Christmas, there is a little fucking <i>fog</i> and the whole fucking operation has to shut down? This is a new problem that this well-oiled machine of elves and magical fairies and polar bears drinking soda and caribous with wings have not anticipated? Would the little baby Jesus have grown up to be a fearsome hippie peacenik and nailed himself to a cross and rolled a big boulder out of the way after he died and went back up to Heaventown<i>, </i>all in order to have His name subverted in the service of crass commercialism, if he had known it could potentially all be derailed by FOG? </span><i><span><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span>Then how the reindeer loved him</span><br /><span>As they shouted out with glee</span><br /><span>"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer</span><br /><span>You'll go down in history"</span></i></div>
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<span>You shitty sycophantic shitheads.</span><i><span> </span></i><span>Rudolph very nearly died in the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red (metaphorically, of course) due to your merciless taunts and now you want to be his little caribou cronies because he's in the big guy's good graces? Fuck you. Especially you, Vixen. Yeah, that's right. And yes, I'm equating reindeer and caribou even though they are not precisely the same thing! Deal with it! AAAHHHHH!</span><i><span></span></i></div>
BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-66677340533281177912019-11-27T13:39:00.000-05:002019-11-27T13:39:40.982-05:00"Frosty the Snowman"<span><div class="ifM9O">
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<span>Hi everybody! I obviously have not had much time to unnecessarily analyze and mock pointless lyrics lately, much to the chagrine of my handful of readers. However, I have been getting into the Christmas spirit even more than usual lately, and thought this would be a good opportunity to question the logical validity of some of your various favorites, hopefully ruining them forever and ruining Christmas itself in the process! </span></div>
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<span>For the purpose of this exercise, we will posit that Christmas is awesome, and therefore all Christmas songs are also awesome and eligible for the special BLB treatment, except for "Carol of the Bells," which is a terrifying nightmare.</span></div>
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<i><span>Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul</span><br /><span>With a corn cob pipe and a button nose</span><br /><span>And two eyes made out of coal</span></i></div>
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<span>Is his name "Frosty the Snowman" or is his name "Frosty" and he is a snowman? I always thought the former but the capitalization here indicates otherwise. Anyway, these lyrics are fine. They are describing a snowman.</span></div>
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<i><span>Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say</span><br /><span>He was made of snow</span><br /><span>But the children know how he came to life one day</span></i></div>
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<span>"He was made of snow" seems like superfluous information. But, still fine. Christmas is a magical time of year, little kids are allowed to believe in insane nonsense that is obviously untrue, etc.</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>There must have been some magic in</span><br /><span>That old silk hat they found</span><br /><span>For when they placed it on his head </span><br /><span>He began to dance around, oh</span></i></div>
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<span>Old Silk Hat sounds like an indie band or a small batch distillery run by hipsters. There's already a craft beer brewery called Magic Hat. "Frosty" reference?</span></div>
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<i><span>Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be</span><br /><span>And the children say, he could laugh and play</span><br /><span>Just the same as you and me</span></i></div>
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<span>OK, fine. Fun, inoffensive little Christmas carol. If the song ended here, it would be fine.</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day</span><br /><span>So he said, Let's run and we'll have some fun</span><br /><span>Now before I melt away</span></i></div>
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<span>Uhhhh, OK ... First of all, running around would generally make you hotter. For people, at least. I have little to no knowledge of magical living snowman physiology. Couldn't we spend our time finding a walk-in freezer, or a cool cave, in which to preserve this wonderful miracle? Then we'd have lots more time to run and have fun on some future, colder, occasion. </span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand</span><br /><span>Runnin' here and there all around the square</span><br /><span>Sayin', Catch me if you can</span></i></div>
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<span>And now we are leaving some higher, presumably colder, altitude to go DOWN into the village. Not smart! A game of Tag or something ensues.</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>He led them down the streets of town</span><br /><span>Right to the traffic cop</span><br /><span>And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler "Stop!" </span></i></div>
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<i><span> </span></i></div>
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<span>Now we are blatantly disobeying the commands of law enforcement, which will earn this post the coveted and all-too-frequent "criminal activity" tag.</span><i><span> </span></i><span>Frosty might be a bad influence. Also, is the cop hollering "Stop!" because they are about to wander into oncoming traffic, or because he is justifiably shocked and horrified to see a living "snow-man" (who would obviously, to him, be a regular human disguised as a snowman, because a living snowman is insane nonsense) blithely wandering the streets with vulnerable children in tow? Either way, seems like good advice disregarded.</span><i><span></span></i></div>
<div class="u7wWjf" data-mh="-1">
<span> </span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<i><span>Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way</span><br /><span>But he waved goodbye, saying, "Don't you cry</span><br /><span>I'll be back again some day"</span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<i><span> </span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<span>Wait, what?! I thought we were just having a little fun before he melted. I guess this could be read as Frosty sparing the children the life-scarring horror of watching their favorite new friend melt into a puddle of water. But more likely, he was spooked by the newfound attention from the authorities, and is fleeing to try whatever despicable scheme he was planning in a different town where nobody knows him. </span><span><span>And, what is he using to wave goodbye? I didn't notice anything about arms in these lyrics ... unless ... oh, Lord.</span></span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<span><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<span><span> </span></span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="66" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 66px;">
<span><span> </span></span><i><span><span>Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump</span><br /><span>Look at Frosty go</span><br /><span>Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump</span><br /><span>Over the hills of snow</span></span><span> </span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<i><span> </span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<span> </span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<span>Thumpety thump? Thumpety thump?! What the fuck makes that noise when it walks? When it walks through SNOW, no less?! A goddamn elephant? An <a href="https://www.starwars.com/databank/at-at-walker" target="_blank">AT-AT Walker</a>? What sort of monster are we dealing with here?</span><i><span> </span></i><span>Has anyone remade Frosty the Snowman as a horror movie yet? I suppose the closest thing would be the beloved 1997 film <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Frost_(1997_film)" target="_blank">"Jack Frost,"</a> or possibly its chilling sequel titled "Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman," which might be in the running for most information ever revealed in the title of a movie.</span></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<span><br /></span><i><span></span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<span><br /></span><i><span></span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<span>OK, that's one perfectly fine holiday song ruined! What's next? Send suggestions to badlyrics@gmail.com. I'm off to "trim the tree," which in my house is a euphemism for drinking a fifth of whiskey and passing out on the bathroom floor while brushing your teeth.</span><i><span></span></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<i></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<i></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<i></i></div>
<div class="xpdxpnd" data-mh="88" data-mhc="1" style="max-height: 88px;">
<i><span></span></i><span><br /></span><span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-34002272579421489492019-08-13T12:52:00.003-04:002019-08-13T13:07:51.398-04:00A-ha -- "Take on Me"<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Talking away<br />
I don't know what I'm to say<br />I'll say it anyway</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So, how about this weather! Sometimes it's sunny but then sometimes it starts raining. Crazy, right?! ... (long, awkward pause) ... Your face looks like butterflies!<i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Today is another day to find you<br />
Shying away</i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I honestly don't know where the punctuation should be here or who is the subject of the verb "shying." "Today is another day to find you shying away"? "Today is another day to find you. (I'm) shying away"? "(You're) shying away?" </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Today is another day to find. You shying away?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>I'll be coming for your love. OK?</i></span></span></i></span></span><br />
<br />
The speaker in this song is the most polite stalker of all time.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Take on me (take on me)<br />
Take me on (take on me)<br />
I'll be gone<br />
In a day or two</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh, but this chorus is so fun! They used to play this song at the seventh-inning stretch of every Washington Nationals game, and they would project the lyrics on the JumboTron, and one of my favorite parts of every game was the whole crowd singing along, and it was OK if you couldn't hit those high notes because everyone else was singing too and nobody could hear you. Then they stopped doing it a few years ago because apparently they hate fun.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Every time I go to a game now I still half-expect "Take on Me" to come on after the obligatory "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and when it doesn't, I am sad. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Morton Harket, who co-wrote this song with similarly awesomely named bandmates Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, has an incredible voice, doesn't he? And the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914" target="_blank">video</a> for </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">this song is rightfully legendary. The love interest in the video, the equally awesomely named Bunty Bailey, had a real-life romance with Mr. Harket. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Or should I say Sir Harket? Because in November 2012,</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> all three members of a-Ha were named Knights of the 1st Class of the Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olav for their contribution to Norwegian music. Guess what else! A-ha has won 10 Spellemannprisen awards, the Norwegian equivalent of the Grammys. This is all funny because Norway is a magical land populated by elves and pixies wearing Viking helmets, and they even have a completely different language that might seem amusing to a foreigner.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm going to address all further commentary to Morton Harket. Then I will write a quirky but charming children's book called "Morton Harket Goes to Horton Market," set in a fictionalized version of North London, in which Morton Harket befriends some anthropomorphic vegetables and slowly learns that life is OK.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>So needless to say<br />Of odds and ends</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Guh?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>But I'll be stumbling away<br />
Slowly learning that life is OK.</i></span></span></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So it looks like this whole thing will not end well. He will be stumbling away ... why? Was he rejected and now is in a daze? Slapped or otherwise physically injured because he is a creepy (but very polite) stalker? Stumbling away from the bar after drowning his sorrows?</span></span><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span></i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I do like Harket's pragmatism here, acknowledging that even after this transformative experience in which he pursues a love interest and conquers his greatest fears, that life will not be wonderful or spectacular or incredibly fulfilling, but simply OK. </span></span><i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Say after me,<br />
"It's no better to be safe than sorry."</i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's no better to be safe than sorry.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Morton Harket: </b>Hey guys, sorry I abruptly turned off the highway and drove us into this pit of quicksand surrounded by 100 hungry tigers!</span></span><br />
<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy: </span></span></span></span></b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yeaaaaahhhhh, why<i> did</i> you do that?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>MH (knowingly): </b>Well, it's no better to be safe than sorry.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>MF&PW-S: </b>(nod appreciatively and make murmurs of agreement)</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Tigers: </b>(snarl ominously) </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Narrator (cheerily): </b>How will the gang get out of this one? Tune in next week for more wacky adventures with our nutty Norsemen on "A-ha! Ha! Ha!"</span></span></span></span><b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></span></span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Take on me (take on me)<br />
Take me on (take on me)<br />
I'll be gone<br />
In a day or two</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll be goooooooooone in a day or twoooooooooooooooooooooo!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i> </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Break it down!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><i></i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">By the way, Furholmen told Rolling Stone that a working title for this song was "</span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">All’s Well That Ends Well and Moves With the Sun," which sounds like a Pink Floyd song or an episode of Twin Peaks or a Werner Herzog documentary about a wayward team of astronauts on the International Space Station.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br />
Oh, things that you say. <br />
Is it life or just to play my worries away?</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i>Buh?<i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>You're all the things I've got to remember</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i>You're my grocery list, my father's last words before he died, the Pythagorean theorem, the note I pinned to my front door that says "Are you wearing pants, Morton?"<i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>You're shying away<br />
I'll be coming for you anyway</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i>OK, this answers our punctuation question posed above, and is also much less polite and far more threatening. <i> </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Take on me (take on me)<br />
Take me on (take on me)<br />
I'll be gone<br />
In a day</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I love how "a day or two" becomes simply "a day" by the end of the song. Wait, what's tomorrow? Thursday? Oh yeah, I'll definitely be gone in a day. So, now is the time for you to take on me! Excuse me, I'm sorry, my English is often substandard. I mean to say "Take me on," yes? Why are you shying away? I'm just coming for your love, OK? Wait, am I wearing pants? Dammit!<br /><i></i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-28354143861495207742019-08-09T12:03:00.000-04:002019-08-09T12:25:44.395-04:00Genesis -- "Invisible Touch"<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I rarely fall in love with a
song immediately upon hearing it -- it usually takes several listens for a tune
to really reveal itself to me. This song is a notable exception -- I remember
hearing it for the first time a few years ago and thinking something like
"What?! This song exists?! Why was I not informed?" Then for a few
weeks I was playing it all the time, and telling other people about it,
badgering random passersby to listen to it, petitioning Congress to make it our
new national anthem, standing outside Buckingham Palace and hoisting up a
boombox a la John Cusack in "Say Anything" ... you know how these
things go. Then, after receiving a cease-and-desist letter from the surviving
members of Genesis (which would be all of them), I tried to go back to work,
found out I had been fired, then embarked on a quixotic journey to teach those
little robots that vacuum people's floors to understand the human emotion of
shame. And after all this, I recently heard this song on the radio while
driving just outside of Denver, and realized the lyrics are bad! So, a belated
apology to my friends and family, Senator Harry Reid, Cameron Crowe, Queen Elizabeth
II, and the good people at iRobot. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I refuse to apologize to Phil
Collins, though, because he penned these lyrics that seem pretty reasonable on
their face, but taken as a unit, are quite obviously the unhinged ravings of a
madman.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">OK, that was a joke, but wait a
minute: Phil Collins<a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1333165/How-psychic-cook-called-Carolyn-convinced-Phil-Collins-hes-reincarnated-American-hero.html">
thinks he is the reincarnation of an American Alamo survivor.</a> You should
really take a minute and read this article ... it quotes Phil Collins as saying
"Fuck music," which is an awesome thing for a famous musician to say.
And it has a funny picture of Phil Collins wearing a coonskin cap. Also, he
wrote a 416-page (!) <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Alamo-Beyond-Collectors-Journey/dp/1933337508">coffee
table book</a> about the Alamo and his big collection of Alamo stuff. Who's the
crazy one now, Phil?!</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Well I've been waiting,
waiting here so long <br />
But thinking nothing, nothing could go wrong</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Although the conjunction
"but" doesn't really fit here -- does thinking nothing could go wrong
somehow contradict the act of waiting for so long? -- these lyrics are fine. In
fact, pretty much the whole song is fine except for <b>one line</b> that
completely ruins the whole thing. We will get to that, and I will rant and rave
in a manner that is hopefully somewhat amusing!</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">But now I know<br />
She has a built in ability<br />
To take everything she sees</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Good job redeeming yourself by
using the word "but" properly, Phil Collins! I love the way he sings
"built in ability" in this part. The assonance and consonance are
cool<i>. </i>This is just a fun little ditty about a genetically engineered
kleptomaniac! </span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">And now it seems I'm
falling, falling for her</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">This conjunction also makes
sense in context! Hooray for proper grammar! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">One other thing I like about
this song is the use of repetition on "waiting," "nothing,"
and "falling." </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Since I have nothing snarky to
say here, I may as well also compliment the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpmiZ7zsHXY">video</a><i> </i>for this
song, which is endearingly quirky and features the band members goofing around,
Phil Collins singing into his drumsticks like they're a microphone, some random
table tennis and a giant hamster wheel. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Also, I thought guitarist Mike
Rutherford, who went on to form Mike & the Mechanics, was Pete Townshend.
What do you guys think? Mike is on the right. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i><span style="font-family: "inherit" , serif;"> </span></i></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">She seems to have an
invisible touch yeah<br />
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart<br />
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah<br />
It takes control and slowly tears you apart</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Having an invisible touch is a
great superpower for a genetically engineered kleptomaniac. <i> </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">OK, so the lyrics so far are
just fine ... we have a woman who was very attractive to Phil Collins, and he
fell in love with her, but now, through some kind of painful experience he has
learned that she was bad for him, and this song is chronicling that experience
to serve as a sort of cautionary tale. Right? Right??</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I don't really know her, I
only know her name</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">No. NO. NOOOOOO!!!! WHAT?! You
don't really know her? You only know her name?! But ... then ... how do you ...
how can you ... is her name Cruella DeVille? Kimberly Heartripper? Jennifer
freaking Aniston?<i> </i>Agggghhhh Phil Collins how did you survive the Alamo I
don't like you anymore.<i> </i>I am going to give your coffee-table book a
one-star review on Amazon.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">But she crawls under your
skin, you're never quite the same, and now I know<br />
She's got something you just can't trust<br />
It's something mysterious <br />
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">What. Is. Going. On. First of all, a bit
of an overload of creepy internal-organ-mangling metaphors with "grabs
right hold of your heart," "slowly tears you apart," and
"crawls under your skin." And, once again, how can you know this?!
Now you know you can't trust her? You don't even know her!! You just said that.
You just said it! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> <i>She seems to have an
invisible touch yeah<br />
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart<br />
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah<br />
It takes control and slowly tears you apart </i></span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">She don't like losing, to
her it's still a game<br />
Though she'll mess up your life, you'll want her just the same, now I know<br />
She has a built in ability<br />
To take everything she sees<br />
And now it seems I've fallen, fallen for her.</span></i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> </span>
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">She seems to have an
invisible touch yeah<br />
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart<br />
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah<br />
It takes control and slowly tears you apart</span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">This song is so frustrating
because without that one line, the lyrics are actually pretty decent. So how do
we explain away the insane notion that he doesn't know this woman (only knows
her name) and yet can describe with certainty, in very graphic and gory detail,
what she will do to him?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><i> </i></span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Theory A: </span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Phil Collins is actually describing a
certain "type" of woman, and he has had this experience before with
someone else, and somehow can recognize just by seeing this woman and learning
her name that she will manipulate him and break his heart? This would be a
super arrogant/delusional claim. Verdict: Bad lyrics!</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Theory B: </span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Phil Collins is saying that despite them
having all these experiences together, he still doesn't <i>really </i>know her
in any meaningful way. This would be a plausible reading, and tie the song
together, <i>except </i>for the part about only knowing her name, which pretty
clearly indicates he doesn't actually know her at all. Verdict: Bad lyrics!</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Theory C: </span></b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Phil Collins <i>never left </i>The
Alamo. The woman in this song is the wild frontier of the West and the
tantalizing lands held by Mexico, the speaker America. Although he understands
that Manifest Destiny is an inherently flawed concept that will only lead to an
unquenchable thirst for new land, new frontiers, and an expansion of the
country's sphere of influence, resulting in misadventures overseas and
senseless loss of life, slowly tearing the country apart, messing up people's
lives, even though we thought nothing, nothing could go wrong, we were always
just waiting, waiting here so long for that great destiny to be fulfilled, yet,
yet, that invisible touch, the pull of the unknown, is too powerful to resist.
That would be pretty cool. So <i>either</i> Phil Collins wrote one bad lyric
once,<i> or</i> he is actually John W. Smith and cannot escape his
fortress-defending, raccoon-wearing past. You decide, dear reader! </span><br />
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</style> BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-35001408781486841992019-08-05T11:35:00.000-04:002019-08-05T11:35:32.200-04:00Van Halen -- "Panama"<div class="Oh5wg">
<div class="M1CzJc PZPZlf MtKf9c kno-fb-ctx" data-lyricid="Lyricfind002-392887">
<div>
<span>A man (David Lee Roth), a plan (violate the Geneva Conventions by mercilessly torturing car/sex metaphors), a canal (the place where my brain is broken from trying to analyze these lyrics) : PANAMA!!! </span></div>
<div>
<span> </span></div>
<div>
<i><span>Jump back, what's that sound</span><br /><span>Here she comes, full blast and top down</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<span>This song is from the album "1984" (helpfully released in the year 1984), and obviously the most provocative social commentary ever created about that particular year. Also included on this album is the hit single "Jump," which is a song about jumping. The members of Van Halen also enjoy jumping while on stage, as evidenced by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuKDBPw8wQA">the video</a> for "Panama." It is possible that David Lee Roth is actually a kangaroo.</span></div>
<div>
<span><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span>Are you all ready for a sexy fusillade of automotive metaphors?! The song is actually about a car, a car called Panama, or Panama Express or some shit, based on my admittedly perfunctory research, but it's also pretty clear that the car is actually a girl. Right? Or maybe the girl is driving a sweet car? And maybe, just maybe, she and David Lee Roth could have some sex inside of it? </span></div>
<div>
<span> </span><br /><i><span>Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue</span><br /><span>Model citizen zero discipline</span></i></div>
<div>
<i><span> </span></i></div>
<div>
<span>Hot shoe! I have no idea what that means. Is she driving so fast and revving the engine so hard that her shoe is actually somehow getting warmer from the heat of the car? Or maybe Mr. Roth was trying to create a new catch phrase: "Did you see that new Prince video? Hot shoe!" I would be on board with that.</span></div>
<div>
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<span>"Model citizen zero discipline" is just a hodgepodge of nonsense that I refuse to engage with. It also has nothing to do with cars. Get back to the cars, good sir! </span><span>And the fucking! Don't forget about the fucking.</span><i><span></span></i></div>
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<i><span>Don't you know she's coming home with me?</span><br /><span>You'll lose her in the turn</span><br /><span>I'll get her!</span></i></div>
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<span>Wait, who are you talking to? What does it mean to "lose her in the turn"? Are you describing some kind of chase scene? </span></div>
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<i><span>Panama, Panama</span><br /><span>Panama, Panama</span></i></div>
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<span>I really like the little guitar solo that leads into the chorus of this song. I also like that the chorus is just the word "Panama" shouted repeatedly. Awesome!</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine</span><br /><span>Got the feel for the wheel, keep the moving parts clean</span></i></div>
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<span>OK, let's get disgusting up in here! What "moving parts" are we talking about here, you naughty little marsupial? What "wheel" does she "have the feel for"? Let's find out!</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<span> </span><br /><i><span>Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue</span><br /><span>Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom</span></i></div>
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<span>They were sex parts! And the wheel is your penis! Yay! </span><span>Time to get in the car-pool lane on this freeway of fucking and put our hazard lights on cruise control! Does that work as a metaphor? I've never had sex with a car before. Hot shoe!</span><i><span></span></i></div>
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<i><span>Don't you know she's coming home with me?</span><br /><span>You'll lose her in the turn</span><br /><span>I'll get her!</span></i></div>
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<i><span>Panama, Panama</span><br /><span>Panama, Panama</span></i></div>
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<span>I have nothing else to say about this part, so how about some Van Halen fun facts courtesy of Wikipedia?</span></div>
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<span>The Van Halen brothers (Eddie and Alex) are Dutch by birth, moved to California in 1962, and started a band called The Broken Combs in 1964, when they were both about 10. They changed their name to The Trojan Rubber Co. in 1972, then Genesis, which was not sustainable for obvious reasons, then Mammoth, and then Van Halen in 1974. I think I like The Broken Combs best of all those names, although Mammoth is pretty cool.</span></div>
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<span>Nothing else I'm seeing here is really "fun." </span></div>
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<span>Oh yeah, what about the thing with the M&Ms? Did you guys know the real story behind that? You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. Van Halen was notorious for requesting that venues they played put a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room with all the brown M&Ms removed. Some people viewed this as evidence that the band was crazy, or super quirky prima donnas, or just fucking with people. However, there was a method to the madness -- they figured (smartly) that this was a good way to figure out if the promoters were actually reading their requirements, some of which were extremely important for safety due to their elaborate stage show. So if they saw brown M&Ms, they would know they needed to inspect the other, more important details to see if everything had been done right. </span></div>
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<span>It is evident that David Lee Roth brought this same razor-sharp attention to detail to bear when writing his lyrics, which are 100% spot on and not even a little bit batshit crazy. </span></div>
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<div class="u7wWjf" data-mh="-1">
<i><span>Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight</span><br /><span>I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it</span><br /><span>Ah, you reach down, between my legs</span><br /><span>Ease the seat back</span></i></div>
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<i><span> </span></i></div>
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<span>Ewww ewww ewww gross gross.</span></div>
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<span>Lots of things are hot in the song. A shoe is hot, David Lee Roth and his presumed lover are running hot, the road is hot. You know what else is hot? Panama, the country, with average highs in the upper 80s. You know what <i>else </i>is hot? Australia! And you know what lives in Australia. JUMP! </span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>She's blinding, I'm flying</span><br /><span>Right behind the rear-view mirror now</span></i></div>
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<i><span> </span></i></div>
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<span>Wha-wha-whaaaat?!</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<span> </span><br /><i><span>Got the feeling, power steering</span><br /><span>Pistons popping, ain't no stopping now</span></i></div>
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<span>Nice alliteration here. Also super gross.</span><i><span> </span></i></div>
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<i><span>Panama, Panama</span></i></div>
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<span><i>Panama, Panama </i></span></div>
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<span>Thanks everybody! We'll be back with our next post in another 10 years-ish.<i> </i></span></div>
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BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-12129524965915874162010-03-09T21:26:00.005-05:002010-03-09T22:31:28.591-05:00Scorpions -- "Rock You Like a Hurricane"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S5cGRtwZ75I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/rROesqHu_8I/s1600-h/hurricane2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 293px; height: 191px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S5cGRtwZ75I/AAAAAAAAAEQ/rROesqHu_8I/s320/hurricane2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5446829175738068882" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S5cF_84QRyI/AAAAAAAAAEI/K95-M8LESMo/s1600-h/hurricane1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 277px; height: 185px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S5cF_84QRyI/AAAAAAAAAEI/K95-M8LESMo/s320/hurricane1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5446828870559876898" border="0" /></a><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Hey guys, aren't <a href="http://www.videoplayer.hu/videos/play/69014">hurricanes</a> awesome? Yeah, hurricanes! ROCK!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud</span><br /><br />Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?</span><br /><br />Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well</span><br /><br />Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.<br /><br />1) Hungry for sex!<br />2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.<br />3) Sexual reference.<br />4) Ibid.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show</span><br /><br />This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.<br /><br />Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"<br /><br />Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane</span><br /><br />Yes, and a hurricane. Right.<br /><br />So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!<br /><br />And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud</span><br /><br />I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose</span><br /><br />This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.<br /><br />And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Klaus Meine:</span> Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Woman:</span> Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Klaus Meine: </span>Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Woman: </span>What?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting</span><br /><br />Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ9k30U7zXA">you've won this round</a>!<br /><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:85%;" ></span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-28219174744148944842010-02-13T14:41:00.008-05:002010-02-13T15:54:23.278-05:00Duran Duran -- "Notorious"<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytWIZHxolI0&feature=related">This song</a> is just a brilliant melange of nonsense and I love it.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Notorious / Notorious/ No-no-notorious</span><br /><br />Here we go! I hope you're all bristling with anticipation.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I can't read about it / Burns the skin from your eyes</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S3cFeZuLw_I/AAAAAAAAAEA/-soCKSfOPuQ/s1600-h/anatomy-of-the-eye.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 234px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S3cFeZuLw_I/AAAAAAAAAEA/-soCKSfOPuQ/s320/anatomy-of-the-eye.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437821094931973106" border="0" /></a><br />Anyone see any skin in that diagram? No, me neither. Although, I suppose "burns the aqueous humor from your eyes" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.<br /><br />OK, so Simon LeBon can't read about it, whatever it is, because it singes off his eyelids, I guess ... or, more accurately, it singes off YOUR eyelids. That's right. You no longer have eyelids because Simon LeBon read about it. Sorry, pal. Good luck trying to blink anymore. NO-NO-NOTORIOUS!!! <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I'll do fine without it / Here's one you don't compromise</span><br /><br />Does this "it" refer to the same thing as the previous antecedent-less "it," or does it refer to the skin from his eyes?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lies come hard to disguise / They need to fight it out</span> / <span style="font-style: italic;">Not wild about it</span><br /><br />These really are the least comprehensible lyrics I've ever seen, bar none, and that's saying something. Simon LeBon might as well have just dubbed the inscrutable cries of the humpback whale over this music. Actually, that would've been kind of cool.<br /><br />Let's just sit back and enjoy Simon's descent into madness, shall we?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lay your seedy judgements / Who says they're part of our lives?</span><br /><br />Nobody says that. Nobody says "My seedy judgements are part of your lives." Nobody has ever said that. Except Judge Judy. Once. And I refuse to give Judge Judy any publicity on this blog. I'm a Judge Joe Brown man.<br /><br />I guess the proper response if someone did inexplicably utter those nonsense words, however, would be "Lay your seedy judgements!" That's fairly self-evident.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business</span><br /><br />For some reason, I think a lot of the lines in this song would be really funny if Harrison Ford said them in a movie. You know how Harrison Ford doesn't really act anymore, he just barks or growls his lines in a gruff, angry voice? Just imagine these lines as dialogue in a generic Harrison Ford thriller where he is trying to fight back against a corrupt system, or do the right thing against all odds in a world gone mad. Anyone with me here? No? OK, let's move on.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Harrison Ford:</span> (growling) You own the money. You control the witness.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator: </span>(sneering) What are you gonna do about it?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Harrison Ford: </span>(struggling to free himself from hired goons to lunge at corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator) (barking): DON'T MONKEY WITH MY BUSINESS!!!!<br /><br />OK, now we can move on.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>I don't know if LeBon says "prophets" or "profits" here -- they're homonyms. I can say with 100 percent confidence, though, that it doesn't matter which one he actually says.<br /><br />These lines work well with that Harrison Ford thing, too.<span style="font-style: italic;"> <span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>Just saying.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />That's why I've done it again / No-no-notorious</span><br /><br />What have you done again? And why have you done it? Is there any possible way to know? No. No. Notorious.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Girls will keep the secrets / So long as boys make a noise / Fools run rings to break up / Something they'll never destroy</span><br /><br />That first verse was a motherfucking well-structured Socratic discourse compared to this gobbledygook.<br /><br />Here comes the piece de resistance!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Grand Notorious slam (bam) / And who really gives a damn for a flaky bandit?</span><br /><br />The only way the second line makes sense, and I mean the *only* way, is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Head & Shoulders commercial starring Burt Reynolds.<br /><br />The only way the first line makes sense is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Denny's commercial, which also more than likely would've featured Burt Reynolds. Because, goddammit, say what you want about Burt Reynolds, but he moves merchandise!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't ask me to bleed about it / I need this blood to survive</span><br /><br />Simon LeBon bravely takes a stand against the use of leeches for medical purposes, about a century too late.<br /><br />OK, those are all the lyrics, but let's just take another jaunt through the chorus so we can once again bask in its total insanity.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business / You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it / That's why I've done it again / Notorious</span><br /><br />You bet your sweet ass you've done it again, LeBon, you magnificent bastard!BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-29293999152275482272010-02-07T23:13:00.004-05:002010-02-08T22:16:41.696-05:00Guns 'n' Roses -- "Welcome to the Jungle"Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.<br /><br />Hey, remember L.A. Guns?<br /><br />So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.<br /><br />"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."<br /><br />Also, the jungle in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1tj2zJ2Wvg">this song</a> is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.<br /><br />And, I'm not actually drunk right now!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games</span><br /><br />Sounds fun!<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />We got everything you want / Honey we know the names</span><br /><br />Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades<span style="font-style: italic;">.<br /><br />We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need</span><br /><br />This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!<br /><br />This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />If you got the money, honey / We got your disease</span><br /><br />Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I wanna watch you bleed</span><br /><br />In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.<br /><br />Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.<br /><br />Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.<br /><br />Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day</span><br /><br />Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay." <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay</span><br /><br />She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.<br /><br />By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">/ You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free</span><br /><br />I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?<br /><br />And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Feel my, my, my, my serpentine / I, I wanna hear you scream</span><br /><br />Eww eww eww eww eww.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />(orgasmic noises)</span><br /><br />Ewwwwwwwwwww.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Welcome to the jungle / It gets worse here every day</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">British guy:</span> I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Martha (in screechy voice):</span> Tally ho!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">British guy: </span>Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Martha (still screechy): </span>Tea and crumpets!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">British guy:</span> What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tiger: </span>(goes on mauling spree)<br /><br />I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br />You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play</span><br /><br />Just like Mowgli!<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually</span> / <span style="font-style: italic;">You can have anything you want</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / But you better not take it from me</span><br /><br />See? He's Satan, right?<br /><br />Or maybe Willy Wonka. I dunno.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I'm gonna watch you bleed</span><br /><br />I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!</span><br /><br />I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.<br /><br />And, eww.<br /><br />And, break it down, William Bruce!<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />You know where you are? / You're in the jungle, baby / You gonna die</span><br /><br />Worst safari ever.BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-61000535294152267592010-01-15T00:15:00.006-05:002010-01-15T01:45:34.473-05:00Meat Loaf -- I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)Ahhh. What have I gotten myself into?<br /><br />OK, I wasn't going to do a preamble for this one, because it is so long, so very long (that's what she said), but Wikipedia has so many juicy little tidbits to tantalize me. So here they are, bulleted:<br /><ul><li>This song reached number one in twenty-eight countries<span style="text-decoration: underline;">,</span> the first being Australia on September 4, 1993, where it stayed for 8 weeks, becoming the highest selling single of the year there. It stayed at number one for seven weeks in the United Kingdom and was also the biggest seller of the year in that country.</li><li>Quote from Jim Steinman, who wrote this song for Meat Loaf: "It sort of is a little puzzle and I guess it goes by - but they're all great things. 'I won't stop doing beautiful things and I won't do bad things.' It's very noble. I'm very proud of that song because it's very much like out of the world of Excalibur. To me, it's like Sir Lancelot or something - very noble and chivalrous. That's my favorite song on the record - it's very ambitious."</li><li>Michael Bay directed the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GNhdQRbXhc">video</a> (!)</li><li>In the UK, it topped the singles chart, becoming the longest running song on top there since The Beatles' hit "Hey Jude." (!!)</li><li>Meat Loaf himself appeared in a 2009 A1 Steak Sauce commercial singing a rendition of the song. It was also featured in an Egyptian McDonald's commercial, featuring a similar scenario, however the boyfriend essentially chases his girlfriend away so he can indulge in a Big Mac combo. (?!&@^)!@)</li></ul>OK, good. Let's get down to it!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And I would do anything for love, I'd run right into hell and back / I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that's a fact<br /><br /></span>I dunno, this sounds pretty good, but running right into hell and back actually sounds sort of fun. I mean, if you have some sort of relationship with the lords of the underworld as Meat Loaf clearly does<span style="font-style: italic;">. </span>You can just run in real quick, say your hellos, and then dash on back, and hey, nobody is any worse for the wear, and then you have a great story to tell at parties. "Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I visited Hades itself and lo found myself strip'd bare before the throne of Satan himself? Funny story..." Kind of like when you are in a sauna and you run out and roll around in the snow for a second and then run right back into the sauna.<br /><br />Not lying? Ever? Now that's difficult. Sign me up for running right into hell.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But I'll never forget the way you feel right now / Oh no - no way - and I would do anything for love, oh, I would do anything for love, I would do any</span><span style="font-style: italic;">thing for love / But I won't do that, no I won't do that</span><br /><br />"I'll never forget the way <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span> feel right now" is a weird thing to say.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And some days it don't come easy, some days it don't come hard / Some days it don't come at all, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">and these are the days that never end</span><br /><br />Trying ... not ... to .... make .... dick .... joke .... haaargrghgggglftz<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Some nights you're breathing fire / Some nights you're carved in ice / Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before, or will again</span><br /><br />I wish this line was literally true. I imagine Meat Loaf coming home, dressed in a firefighter's outfit, with like one of those big flame retardant shields, and then seeing his beloved and being all like "Oh, fuck, she's carved in ice tonight. Better break out the parka and the blowtorch." Why didn't he just make a little schedule for the refrigerator with three columns so he would know which weird thing she was going to be that night? Bad planning, Meat Loaf. Didn't you learn anything at Wharton?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true / I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you</span><br /><br />I wish my local newspaper (<span style="font-style: italic;">The Bumwad County Bimo</span><span style="font-style: italic;">nthly Gazette & Mirror)</span> carried a lighthearted feature called "Crazy & True!"<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning / as long as your dreams are coming true / you better believe it! </span><br /><br />Planets turning? Check. Stars burning? Roger that. Dreams coming true? Fuck!<br /><br />This is like one of those lottery tickets where you always get everything you need except one thing, so you feel like, oh shit, I was SO CLOSE! And then you buy another lottery ticket and another, until you have exhausted your life savings and have to go home and tell your wife that you were abducted by aliens (AGAIN, wtf is going on, so weird, am I right, sweetie?) and it's time to pack up and move over to the next town again.<br /><br />Those kind of lottery tickets exist, right? I wouldn't know because I live in American Samoa and lottery tickets are fashioned from giant blocks of granite and weigh 12 tons here so nobody buys them.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That I would do anything for love, And I'll be there 'til the final act / I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact </span><br /><br />OK, OK, I believe you! You would do anything for love. I believe you, Meat Loaf! Case closed. Send in the dancing bears.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the wa</span><span style="font-style: italic;">y tonight / I would do anything for love! </span> <span style="font-style: italic;">But I won't do that, no I won't do that... </span><br /><br />Wait, what? You haven't even gone all the way yet? Loser.<br /><br />Seriously, though, I don't really want to get too deep into what "that" is, because it's kind of a fool's errand but, what is he talking about here? In my opinion he can only be talking about oral sex. Right? Or having a threesome with a wolf. I wouldn't do that either. That's just gross. And dangerous.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I would do anything for love / Anything you've been dreaming of / But I just won't do that... </span><br /><br />Yeah, I mean, at the end of the song we are supposed to believe that not doing "that" means not cheating on her and/or leaving her. So how do these verses make sense? If he said "and" instead of "but" it would sort of make sense although it would be a bit superfluous and kind of weirdly defensive but ... argh. Why are you making me do this, Meat Loaf? I said I wasn't going to do it. I said I wouldn't do that!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Some days I pray for silence / And some days I pray for a soul / Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll </span><br /><br />Irrelevant.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe I'm lonely, and that's all I'm qualified to be / There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep</span><br /><br />I kind of like the first line here. Hey, did I mention the video for this song is totally bizarre and just completely batshit insane? I like at the end when the cops show up with their flashlights for no apparent reason.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">As long as the wheels are turning, as long as the fires are burning / As long as your prayers are coming true, you better believe it </span><br /><br />Wheels turning? I mean, I guess so, in a way. Fires burning? Sure, why not. Prayers coming true? Aaaagh! Fuckshit! Give me another one of them Monster Megabillions, and hey, throw in a Dollar Blaster Extreme and maybe one of those Bucket O' Golds.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">That I would do anything for love / And you know it's true and that's a fact / I would do anything for love and there'll never be no turning back </span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But I'll never do it better than I do it with you / So long, so long / I would do anything for love, </span><span style="font-style: italic;">I would do anything for love, I would do anyth</span><span style="font-style: italic;">ing for love, I would do anything for love, but I wont do that, I wont do that! </span><br /><br />Oh my god, this song is ridiculous.<br /><br />Watch Meat Loaf break it down right here!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that... </span><br /><br />Fun fact! Meat Loaf's given name is Marvin Lee Aday. Check out the abundance of bizarre names in this truncated Wikipedia tidbit: "Meat Loaf was born as Marvin Lee Aday. He was the first child of Wilma Artie (née Hukel), a school teacher and a member of the Vo-di-o-do Girls gospel quartet, and Orvis Wesley Aday, a police officer. Marvin and his mother would drive around to all the bars in Dallas, looking for Orvis to take him home. Because of this, Marvin often stayed with his grandmother, Charlsee Norrod."<br /><br />And, look at this weirdness!<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S1AHZByeyOI/AAAAAAAAAD4/EfHDXTTaWpM/s1600-h/Stoney%26MeatloafCover.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 397px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S1AHZByeyOI/AAAAAAAAAD4/EfHDXTTaWpM/s400/Stoney%26MeatloafCover.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426845677539739874" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">But I'll never stop dreaming of you / Every night of my life - no way / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that! </span><br /><br />The vocalist in this next part is not Stoney, as much as Meat Loaf probably wishes it was.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Female vocals :</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Will you raise me up? Will you help me down? Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town? Will you make it all a little less cold? </span><br /><br />This must be one of those nights when she's carved in ice.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Meat Loaf : </span><span style="font-style: italic;">I can do that! / I can do that! </span><br /><br />More things that Meat Loaf can do! Yaaaaay!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Female vocals: </span><span style="font-style: italic;">Will you cater to every fantasy I got? Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot? Will you take me places I've never known? </span><br /><br />Did the Vatican ever weigh in on this song? I think filling a hose with holy water and indiscriminately spraying it at some horny temptress is probably a little bit sacrilegious.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Meat Loaf:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">I can do that! I can do that! </span><br /><br />I want to just recap all the things that Meat Loaf can (or would) do.<br /><ul><li>run right into hell and back</li><li>never lie to her (and that's a fact)</li><li>never forget the way she feels right now</li><li>be there 'til the final act</li><li>take a vow and seal a pact</li><li>anything she's been dreaming of</li><li>never stop dreaming of her<br /></li><li>raise her up</li><li>help her down</li><li>get her right out of this godforsaken town</li><li>make it all a little less cold</li><li>cater to every fantasy she's got</li><li>hose her down with holy water (if she gets too hot)</li><li>take her places she's never been</li></ul>But <span style="font-style: italic;">still</span> he won't do that! It has to be a threesome with a wolf, right?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Female vocal:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">After a while you'll forget everything / It was a brief interlude, and a midsummer night's fling/ and you'll see that it's time to move on</span><br /><br />And still she's not convinced. He promised to hose you down with holy water, stolen from inside the gates of hell, despite the fact that the Pope has <span style="font-style: italic;">specifically</span> forbidden him to do so! Doesn't that count for anything?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Meat Loaf: </span><span style="font-style: italic;">I won't do that! / I won't do that! </span><br /><br />And he said he won't do it! OK? Good enough?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Female vocal:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">I know the territory, I've been around, It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, sooner or later you'll be screwing around</span><br /><br />Jesus. You are such a bitch.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Meat Loaf:</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">I won't do that! No, I won't do that! </span><br /><br />And Meat Loaf, you are a pussy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Anything for love, I would do anything for love / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, I won't do that<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>There you have it, folks! He won't do that. Whatever it is. I guess we can rule out "star in an A1 Steak Sauce commercial" but other than that it's really pretty murky.<br /><br />Wow. That was exhausting. Good thing I didn't analyze the full version of the song. I'm serious. It's really like 12 minutes long. 7.5 minutes apparently is not enough time to convince us that he will not, in fact, do that. <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-82371499262127570942010-01-11T21:53:00.010-05:002010-01-11T23:15:34.100-05:00Loverboy -- "Working for the Weekend"If the only funny part of this whole post is the picture below, then I think I've done my job.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S0vlULRlJjI/AAAAAAAAADg/NlMr_xmfLXo/s1600-h/GetluckyLB.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S0vlULRlJjI/AAAAAAAAADg/NlMr_xmfLXo/s400/GetluckyLB.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425682310884566578" border="0" /></a>See? Told you.<br /><br />Why is the tip of the middle finger so red? It's like he tied a rubber band around it, or put a little tiny condom on it or something. Let's sincerely hope it's not the latter.<br /><br />Wikipedia: "The popular Canadian teen drama Degrassi: The Next Generation, which is known for naming each episode after an 80s hit song, named an episode after this song." Whaaaa? Am I the only blogger who has a blog devoted to making fun of songs that are for the most part from the '80s who wasn't aware of this?<br /><br />This calls for another gratuitous picture of somebody's ass.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S0vnGIVss2I/AAAAAAAAADw/KK5VMXpODRM/s1600-h/Dtng_intertitles.PNG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 318px; height: 237px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S0vnGIVss2I/AAAAAAAAADw/KK5VMXpODRM/s400/Dtng_intertitles.PNG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425684268601619298" border="0" /></a>Oh! Here's a full <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DTNG_episodes">episode guide</a>. I guess that other Wikipedia page wasn't kidding, although it looks like they didn't really commit to naming every episode after a song until Season 2, unless there are popular '80s songs called "Basketball Diaries" and "Family Politics" and "Parents' Day" that I am unaware of.<br /><br />And no, I didn't expect to be Googling "degrassi the next generation episode guide" tonight, thank you very much.<br /><br />Hey, have you ever heard of this band Loverboy? Like Degrassi: The Next Generation, they are Canadian. What a happy coincidence. Apparently "Working for the Weekend" was their follow-up to the smash hit "The Kid Is Hot Tonite."<br /><br />Here's a list of bands and artists mentioned on Loverboy's Wikipedia page, in its entirety:<br />* Cheap Trick<br />* ZZ Top<br />* Def Leppard<br />* Kansas<br />* Journey<br />* Judas Priest<br />* Jon Bon Jovi<br />* Richie Sambora<br />* Bryan Adams<br />* Brian MacLeod (?)<br />* Enrique Iglesias<br />* Foreigner<br /><br />That seems about right.<br /><br />Fun fact! In 2000, Loverboy bassist Scott Smith was declared dead after being lost at sea!<br /><br />Another fact: Loverboy has won the most all time "Juno Awards," which is a thing that a) I have never heard of and b) is apparently like the Canadian equivalent of a Grammy.<br /><br />So, my question is, really? Come on, Canada! I was going to go on a tirade about like Neil Young and Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot and Rush and plenty of other fine Canadian musicians whose names are not coming to mind, but it appears the Junos, while they officially began in 1970, have a sort of spotty history and at one point may have been solely devoted to classical music, but, all that being said, even so, really?! Loverboy??<br /><br />By the way, my train of thought while writing this post has somehow led me to start downloading George Michael songs. What?<br /><br />Ok, time for some anticlimactic lyrics ...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Everyone's watching, to see what you will do / Everyone's looking at you, ooh</span><br /><br />I'm not sure what to say about these lyrics. They seem to just be nonsense. There are two verses in the song, and an eight-line chorus, and none of them appear to be at all related to each other.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Everyone's wondering, will you come out tonight? / Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right</span><br /><br />Still not sure what to say.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Everybody's working for the weekend / Everybody wants a new romance / Everybody's goin' off the deep end / Everybody needs a second chance, oh</span><br /><br />These lyrics are nice, and fun, but what do they have to do with the first verse we just saw?<br />Also, first eight lines all start with either "everyone" or "everybody."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">'Cause I gotta have faith / Ooh, I gotta have faith<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>Whoops, sorry about that.<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You want a piece of my heart / You better start from the start / You wanna be in the show / Come on, baby, let's go</span><br /><br />Again, what? What show? Who is he talking to? Who is he? (Besides awesomely named lead singer Mike Reno, that is.)<br /><br />"Start from the start"?<br /><br />Where am I?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Everyone's looking to see if it was you / Everyone wants you to come through</span><br /><br />Mike Reno sounds a little bit like Geddy Lee here. Canada!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Everyone's hoping it'll all work out / Everyone's waiting, they're holding out</span><br /><br />Yep. That's the whole song. Is there any rational way to link all these random lyrics together? Is this a trenchant social commentary on American society, as legions of workers whose souls were crushed to powder long ago trudge to factories or cubicles, fooling themselves into thinking they are "working for the weekend" when their weekends really consist of just more mind-numbing monotony, just in front of the TV instead of the Excel spreadsheet or the ... uh ... wall of the coal mine, or whatever it is they look at all day at work? And, the rambling and nonsensical lyrics are meant to be emblematic of the pointlessness of this inexorable march toward death?<br /><br />Goddam Canucks always thinking they're better than us ... well I'll show ... zzzzzzzzzz.BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-88566251901123866512010-01-04T20:03:00.005-05:002010-01-04T20:59:08.914-05:00Steve Perry -- "Oh Sherrie"<div style="text-align: left;">Awesomely Bad Lyrics, Vol. XL: In which Steve Perry rubs up suggestively against a wrought-iron balcony.</div><div><br /></div><div>So after watching the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te1CVVlaJzA&feature=related">video</a>, in which said rubbing transpires, I was thinking, "Oh boy, this is just another bizarre, poorly conceived rock video that consists basically just of a bunch of random images and scenes that make no sense." Which is true.<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>But! There is a longer <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oN80al-7BI&NR=1">version</a> that makes perfect sense and is actually sort of clever and mildly entertaining. I suppose it had to be cut down for MTV, in which case, worst editing job EVER because it is basically impossible to understand what's going on without the context that's removed.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, I really love how the YouTube label for the shorter version makes it seem as if it is a song by Journey called "Oh Sherry (Steve Perry)."<br /><div><br /></div><div><div><div><i>You should've been gone knowing how I made you feel / And I should've been gone after all your words of steel</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Coming soon from Roget's: "WORDS OF STEEL"!!!! This ain't your grandpa's thesaurus!!!</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Oh/ I must've been a dreamer / and I must've been someone else / And we should've been over</i></div><div><br /></div><div>OK, I'm sensing a theme here. Sherrie should've been gone AND you should've been gone AND you must've been a dreamer AND you must've been someone else AND your relationship should've been over. That's a lot of strikes against this blessid union of souls. So, ipso facto, there must be some amazing reason that this partnership should, against all odds, work out. I can't wait to hear it!</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on / Oh, Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Uh. OK. Well, that's not a reason. Just ... a thing. Good old Steve Perry must just be building anticipation for the big reveal, though. What a storyteller!</div><div><br /></div><div>While we're waiting, did you know the girl in the video is actually Sherrie? Sherrie Swafford. She was Steve Perry's girlfriend when he wrote the song. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>I want to let go, you'll go on hurtin' me</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>More bad stuff. You are really building a strong case for ending this relationship, Steve. (Keep in mind also that Sherrie is a <i>real person </i>who he was<i> rom<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i>antically involved with </i>when he wrote this song<i>. </i>How would you have felt if you were Sherrie and you heard this little ditty? I would've felt bad. Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.)</span></i></div><div><br /></div><div><i>You'd be better off alone if I'm not who you thought I'd b</i><i>e</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>OK, more bad stuff (I think). But I have a feeling that we're about to find out just what it is that makes these two tick! </div><div><br /></div><div><i>But you know that there's a fever</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>(leans in closely) Uh-huh???</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><i>oh</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>(cocks head in anticipation)</div><div><br /></div><div><i>that you'll never find nowhere else</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>(braces for inevitable disappointment) And?</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Can't you feel it burnin' - on and on?</i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><br /></i></div><div>That's it, folks! That's why Steve Perry and Sherrie Swafford continue to date despite overwhelming evidence that they should not: "There's a fever" (where?) that she will "never find nowhere else." (Which, I guess, means that Steve Perry *can* find the fever? What a fucking arrogant bastard.)</div><div><br /></div><div>Surprise! Steve and Sherrie broke up in 1985, the year after this song came out. Now, nearly a quarter-century later, when you search for "sherrie swafford bio" on Google, the first page that comes up is called "Steve Perry's Biography." So, that must make her feel really good. Are you happy, Perry? Are you?!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><i>Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on</i></div><div><br /></div><div>You son of a bitch.</div><div><br /></div><div><i>But I should've been gone long ago, far away</i></div><div><br /></div><div>Why are you still singing?</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><i>And you should've been gone / now I know just why you stay</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>Because Steve Perry is such a sexy bastard, and he sings like an angel and is utterly irresistible to every man, woman, child, and beast of the field. Right? Right?!?! </div><div><br /></div><div>Douchebag.</div><div><br /></div><div>CODA: Apparently after he and Sherrie broke up, Steve Perry wrote an <a href="http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_did_Steve_Perry_and_Sherrie_Swafford_break_up">explanation</a> of why it happened on his Web site. It's ineloquent, but clearly heartfelt and sort of touching. It makes me feel bad that I just made fun of him and called him names.</div><div><br /></div><div>Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.</div><div><br /></div><div>Asshole.</div><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/S0KcTBBLGrI/AAAAAAAAADY/752NEjXavAM/s400/robocopSmall.jpg" style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 392px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5423068751812303538" /></div></div></div></div>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-44074250819611915332009-12-20T00:40:00.004-05:002009-12-20T01:46:33.740-05:00REO Speedwagon -- "Can't Fight This Feeling"Oh YouTube, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.<br /><br />1. This<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3G3oImGXR0&feature=related"> video</a> is, I believe, the original video for this song. It's kind of nice ... straightforward shots of the band playing the song, bookended by a montage of Kevin Cronin trying to get the key right, and a part at the end where the entire band collapses into a giggling fit for no apparent reason and Cronin says "That warms the cockles of my cockles!" which is a funny thing to say. The band comes off as pretty likeable, even though the part at the beginning was clearly staged after the fact.<br /><br />2. Here's the<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYoh_sV35eA"> alternate version</a> of the video, which is totally creepy and unintentionally hilarious! Lots of intriguing facial expressions and outdated haircuts to choose from. Also, I totally want the sweatshirt that the teenaged version of the fictional person who ages throughout the video is wearing at around the 1:38 mark.<br /><br />3. And then there's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99jxjcgtzrw&feature=related">this</a>, which is also vaguely creepy (mostly because of the Brokeback Mountain images mixed in with all the Disney ones) and oddly hypnotizing.<br /><br />And, if you really want to dig deep into this song's videography, there are some other funny karaoke-style videos with weird pictures. (What is the deal with the pictures that accompany karaoke songs? They are always just so bizarre. Is it an Asian cultural-divide thing? Who picks these images? I need to know these things.)<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I can't fight this feeling any longer / And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow</span> /<span style="font-style: italic;"> What started out as friendship has grown stronger / I only wish I had the strength to let it show</span><br /><br />So yeah, Kevin Cronin knows a girl, and I guess they are friends, and she wants to be more than friends. He was reluctant to embrace this concept but is now coming around.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I tell myself that I can't hold out forever / I say there is no reason for my fear</span><br /><br />OK, we get the point. You're afraid, you have no strength, you have fear, etc. Are you playing for our sympathy? Mission not accomplished.<br /><br />Wait a minute ... wait just a cotton-pickin' minute. Take these first three stanzas here and then think about Brokeback Mountain ... maybe that YouTube video had a point. Maybe those Disney images were just meant to throw us off the trail here. Could it be that Kevin Cronin posted that video himself, trying to send a message to the world as a desperate cry for help???<br /><br />Wait, am I making Brokeback Mountain jokes? <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />'Cause I feel so secure when we're together / You give my life direction, you make everything so clear</span><br /><br />That sounds really nice, Kevin. Why are you trying to fight this feeling? Seriously. Just let it flow, pal. Do what feels right. Take that "fishing trip." <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight</span><br /><br />Kevin Cronin has somehow acquired a Predator drone.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night / And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might</span><br /><br />This is boring.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And I can't fight this feeling anymore / I've forgotten what I started fighting for</span><br /><br />Because you were afraid of being ostracized by a society that is still unwilling to accept a love between two men, no matter how secure you feel or how much your lover reminds you of a candle. Remember? <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />It's time to bring this ship in to the shore / And throw away the oars forever</span><br /><br />I'm fine with bringing the ship in to the shore, but do you really need to throw away the oars? Forever? That just seems rash. Can't you just pretend to throw away the oars as a symbolic gesture, but then, in the dead of night, retrieve them and hide them away someplace safe? Just in case you need them sometime in the future? I mean, the ship is still going to be there. And then someday you will be like, "Hey, there's my old ship! Might be nice to take it for a spin. Now what did I do with those oars? Oh, fuck!"<br /><br />Of course, the oars in this case are actually Kevin Cronin's testicles.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore / I've forgotten what I've started fighting for</span><br /><br />But I just ... told you ...<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And if I have to crawl upon the floor / Or come crashing through your door / Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore</span><br /><br />I like the two scenarios that Kevin comes up with for how to win this dude's heart. I'm imagining him supplicating himself, but that ends up being a turnoff. So he's all like, "Oh, wait a minute, I have to go get something out of my car," and walks out the door, then turns around and smashes right through it, leaving a Kool Aid guy-style cutout of himself, and bellows with rage and desire: "Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore!" Then he's all, "Oh, sorry about that door. Sometimes I do things rashly without considering the consequences. Like, this one time, I had these oars and ..."<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you / I've been running round in circles in my mind</span><br /><br />In the video (#2 in the list above), this second line is accompanied by a picture of a guy literally running around in circles within another guy's head. (Or, more accurately, within his hat.) Go back and watch that video. It's really very strange.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And it always seems that I'm following you girl / 'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find</span><br /><br />Yeah. Right. "Girl." Oh, Kevin. I thought you'd come so far. Back to square one. But, on the plus side, you still have your oars.BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-88525719998980328712009-12-12T00:20:00.005-05:002009-12-12T01:21:47.373-05:00Justin Timberlake -- "Rock Your Body"Come on now, you now I couldn't do Britney without doing Justin.<br /><br />Wait a minute, that <span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span>sounds like a <a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/12/britney-spears-3.html">...</a> oh, never mind.<br /><br />You know, I think I've said this before, but I really like Justin Timberlake. I find his SNL appearances consistently hilarious, I really unironically enjoy a lot of his music, and I've already <a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/09/killers-all-these-things-that-ive-done.html">spoken</a> of how I appreciated his performance as Pilot Abilene in the movie Southland Tales. So, I guess I was sort of pleased to discover that the lyrics to his songs are not that bad. I mean, certainly it's not Wordsworth or anything, but on the whole they seem simple, heartfelt and inoffensive.<br /><br />This song, then, is the exception that proves the rule! (Can anyone explain this saying to me? I've always felt that an exception would <span style="font-style: italic;">disprove</span> the rule, not prove it. Is there some basis for saying this, or it just a little bit of nonsense that found its way into the vernacular? Please discuss in the comments section.)<br /><br />Also, please indulge yourself by viewing the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSVHoHyErBQ">video</a> for this song, in which Justin dances inside the<a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/01/hadron-collider-201001"> Large Hadron Collider</a> and propounds the theory of parallel universes around the 4-minute mark. This video must've caused quite a stir in the quantum mechanics community.<br /><br />Not sure if this is the official video because there's a little part in the middle that isn't in the radio version of the song, but if you don't like it, <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A3699-2004Jun24.html">go fuck yourself</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-family:Verdana;font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"></span></span><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me</span><br /><br />This seems sort of desperate, doesn't it? Especially when he cries out "Please stay!" Come on, you're Justin Timberlake. You don't have to beg this girl to stay and dance with you.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / 'Til the break of day / Dance with me</span><br /><br />I don't get the first line. She doesn't have to admit she wants to have sex with you, she can just dance with you? That doesn't make sense though, given that in the same breath you say you are going to "rock [her] 'til the break of day," which quite clearly means having sex all night.<br /><br />Also, saying "'til the break of day" is a sweet pop music cliche to indicate the sexual prowess of the singer. Kudos for slipping this in there, Timberlake.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Got time, but I don't mind / Just wanna rock you girl / I'll have whatever you have / Come on, let's give it a whirl</span><br /><br />"Got time, but I don't mind"? I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Just making small talk before he gets back to talking about rocking her body, I suppose.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">See I've been watching you / And I like the way you move / So go ahead, girl, just do / That ass shaking thing you do</span><br /><br />If Lou Gramm sang this shit I'd probably crucify him and leave his putrefying corpse to be pecked at by woodland creatures, but Justin Timberlake is just so cute! You go, Justin! (Swoon)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So you grab your girls / And you grab a couple more / And you all come meet me / In the middle of the floor</span><br /><br />If she already grabbed her girls, does she really need to grab a couple more random ones too? Come on. Let's not get greedy now. How many people do we need in this clusterfuck? Britney? Any thoughts?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Said the air is thick, it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right</span><br /><br />First line is kind of gross. Second one is about dancing. Justin Timberlake likes dancing. And sex. But not Britney. Right? I haven't read any of the tabloids lately. How's Bennifer doing?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me / You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / Till the break of day / Dance with me</span><br /><br />Seriously, though, you've probably seen his SNL skits, but if you haven't, please watch them, <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/1596/saturday-night-live-dick-in-a-box-uncensored">here</a> and <a href="http://www.hulu.com/watch/73123/saturday-night-live-digital-short-motherlover-uncensored">here</a>. It's OK. I'll be right here.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I don't mean no harm / Just wanna rock you girl / You can move, but be calm / Let's go, let's give it a whirl</span><br /><br />"You can move, but be calm"? This sounds like something a bank robber would say to one of his hostages.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">See it appears to me / You like the way I move / I'll tell you what I'm gonna do / Pull you close and share my groove</span><br /><br />The first two lines are funny if you imagine them being said by an elderly British gentleman, e.g. Ian McKellen or Patrick Stewart. Second two, not so funny. ... OK, I guess they're kind of funny too.<br /><br />OK, now this song gets kind of complicated with different lyrics and vocalists overlapping and such. I think what I'll do is put any non-Timberlake lyrics in parentheses.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />(Talk to me boy) / No disrespect, I don't mean no harm</span><br /><br />I love the phrase "no disrespect." Check-plus. But, it should always be said in a New York and New Jersey accent. Check-minus.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />(Talk to me boy) / I can't wait to have you in my arms / (Talk to me boy) / Hurry up cause you're takin' too long / (Talk to me boy) / Better have you naked by the end of this song</span><br /><br />I've been led to believe that this whole rigamarole has been occurring in a public place, so I suppose that getting her naked by the end of the song would be grounds for arrest. Which mean, of course, that I can break out the "criminal activity" tag! I'm so excited, and I'm sure you are too.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So what did you come for / (I came to dance with you) / And you know that you don't want to hit the floor / (I came to romance with you)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>Ah. I'm starting to rethink this song. Justin Timberlake's character may be a member of the mafia. The "no disrespect" line set off alarm bells, and now he appears to be coercing her into stating her affections through threats of physical violence.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />You're searching for love forever more / (It's time to take a chance) / If love is here on the floor, girl</span><br /><br />"Love is here on the floor?" Ewwwww.<br /><br />Aaaand this goes on for some time, but without any really discernible alterations in the lyrics. Same words, different patterns. I think this song might actually be a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sestina">sestina</a>.<br /><br />Eh, not really, but let's go out on a classy note since we were veering into vulgarity at times. Although, I guess I can't be blamed for being a little vulgar in a post about a guy who sang about sticking his dick in a box and banging his friend's mom.<br /><br />Timberlake!BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-50161519166851111312009-12-04T18:11:00.009-05:002009-12-05T13:25:09.763-05:00Britney Spears -- "3"If you don't mind, I'm going to get a little personal here. My last post on The Outfield sent me into a personal and professional tailspin. Who cares about The Outfield?, I thought to myself. What is the point of this blog? What is the point of anything? Why are strawberries red? Where do rainbows go when the rain stops? And so on. You know, <span style="font-style: italic;">life</span>.<br /><br />So I went into seclusion in the west wing, so to speak, and had a good think. I thought and thought until I could think no more. Then, just as I was about to give up hope -- an epiphany. If I really want to make a difference, I realized, I can't go around mocking songs from the '80s and thinking anything's going to change. That would be like shipping food back in time to Nigerians who have long since passed away or gone on to profitable careers in online scammery. If I want things to change, I have to mock songs in <span style="font-style: italic;">real time</span>! Take on the chart-toppers of today instead of those from yesteryear.<br /><br />That was all a lie!<br /><br />Actually, last weekend I was watching the VH1 Top 20 with my friend Richie and not only had I never heard a single song on the list, but I'd never heard of most of the bands. "Owl City"? "Lady Gaga"? "Lifehouse"? "Bon Jovi"? wtf?? I was particularly captivated by Britney Spears' new video, in which she sings about having a threesome while dancing provocatively with people of both sexes. Then, I heard the song again on the radio while driving home (right after Led Zeppelin's "No Quarter," not sure what exactly that station's target audience was) and I figured it was fate.<br /><br />So after many long years in the wilderness I present to you "3" by Britney Spears! Enjoy the <a href="http://www.mtv.com/videos/britney-spears/452061/3.jhtml">video</a>, which I find somewhat unsettling.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">1, 2, 3 / not only you and me / Got one eighty degrees / And I'm caught in between / Countin' </span><br /><br />I am really kind of charmed by how weird these lyrics are. They start out in a very straightforward way. "1, 2, 3" clearly means that there are three people. "Not only you and me" iterates that fact. Then, the third line makes no sense. I guess she looks at one person, then swivels around 180 degrees to see that there is another person? But she says she has "got" 180 degrees, like she is in possession of them. I do not know what it means. Then, she says she is "caught in between" the people. OK, I guess so.<br /><br />Then the final line, my favorite -- "Countin'!" This song is about counting! Try singing it in Count von Count's voice. Amazing!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">1, 2, 3 / Peter, Paul & Mary / Gettin' down with 3p / Everybody loves / Countin' </span><br /><br />This part sounds even more like something from Sesame Street. Doesn't it? If instead of being about having sex with two people at the same time, and accompanied by images of nearly naked people bumping and grinding each other all over the place, it was instead about, well, learning how to count, and accompanied by images of playful puppets and clean multiracial children, it would be just like Sesame Street! I like Britney Spears.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Babe, pick a night / To come out and play / If it's alright / What do you say? </span><br /><br />Haha, I was actually ready to ditch this whole Sesame Street thing, but .... seriously. Replace "babe" with "friend" or something and we're still right on track.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Merrier the more / Triple fun that way / Twister on the floor / What do you say? </span><br /><br />I don't think a threesome would triple the fun. To an outside observer it would multiply the fun by 1.5, and for either participant it would only double the fun. Come on! This is just simple math. Don't these songwriters have copy editors? (I have no idea who actually wrote this song and refuse to look it up. But I do know that it was copy edited by Bill Sanderson of Grand Forks, N.D. For shame, Mr. Sanderson. Take more pride in your craft.)<br /><br />Also, "merrier the more"? Was the "Twister on the floor" line so indispensable that we had to do these verbal gymnastics? Was it?! SANDERSON!!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Are you in? / Livin' like this is the new thing / Are you in? / I am countin'! </span><br /><br />This sounds like a creepy hippie pickup line from the '60s. Hey, baby! Are you in for this threesome? Livin' like this is totally the new thing, man! Loosen up! Far out! MAN WALKS ON MOON<br /><br />And, I remain charmed by how excited Britney is about being able to count. Baby steps.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Three is a charm / Two is not the same / I don't see the harm / So are you game? </span><br /><br />At this point the songwriters probably realized there wasn't much to say about having a threesome that wasn't sort of gross and creepy, especially when paired with such a danceable and frivolous beat.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lets' make a team / Make 'em say my name / Lovin' the extreme / Now are you game? </span><br /><br />See? Case in point. "Let's make a team / Make 'em say my name" ... gross and creepy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">What we do is innocent / Just for fun and nothin' meant / If you don't like the company / Let's just do it you and me </span><br /><br />I find this part disconcerting because of the change in tempo. I know every pop song in this vein has to have a part where they slow it down and get all emotional and romantic for a minute before going back to the loopy-loop dance-a-ganza with the hey-hey and the flip-flop. But this song is about a threesome, which is really by definition (in my opinion) not at all romantic. I mean, I am not anti-threesome, and I hope all of you go out and have 10 threesomes with 20 different people immediately after reading this post, but I think if you're going to write a song about having threesomes, just go for broke and make it a kind of in-your-face celebration of Bacchanalian pleasure, don't try to write cute sugarcoated lyrics and try to infuse some measure of tenderness and longing in here. Threesomes are not about tenderness and/or love. They are about fucking. Right? Um. Excuse me for a few minutes.<br /><br />OK.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You and me / Or three / Or four / On the floor </span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SxmgiIjxylI/AAAAAAAAADE/IDVjwLz7o4o/s1600-h/count_von_count.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 301px; height: 268px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SxmgiIjxylI/AAAAAAAAADE/IDVjwLz7o4o/s400/count_von_count.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5411532935535905362" border="0" /></a>Four! Four slutty people on the floor! Ah, ha, ha!<br />Five! Five venereal diseases! Ah, ha, ha!<br /><br />Counting!BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-29236874670816145412009-11-16T13:44:00.003-05:002009-11-16T16:47:27.981-05:00The Outfield -- "Your Love"Holy crap. I was toying with the idea of mentioning that it seemed to me that a disproportionate number of baseball players use this song as their "at bat" music. (Hitters often pick a song to play on the PA system when they come up to the plate.) But, I decided not to, because I'd heard it maybe only like three times, and that's a pretty small sample size.<br /><br />But, lo and behold, Wikipedia actually mentions this on its page for this song! So, I'm not crazy, and baseball players are weird. The players it mentions are: Gordon Beckham (3B), Kelly Johnson (2B), Frank Catalanotto (OF) and Eric Byrnes (OF). All white guys, and only two of them are actually outfielders, so at least Mr. Beckham and Mr. Johnson really like this song and didn't just think it would be funny to play a song by a band called "The Outfield." Although there are no bands called "The Infield" that I'm aware of, so I don't know if they had much of a choice in the matter. "Second Base" or "Third Base" would be good band names, but I don't think any group has harnessed this particular bit of genius either.<br /><br />Speaking of baseball, this song has been a <a href="http://joeposnanski.com/JoeBlog/2009/11/12/the-worst-football-game-ever/#more-2816">topic</a> of <a href="http://joeposnanski.com/JoeBlog/2009/11/15/the-music-of-suckitude/#more-2817">discussion </a>on a sports blog that I follow. So thanks to Joe Posnanski, whom I have never met or corresponded with, for the (sort of) recommendation, although he seems to think this song is just bad and not in any way awesome. I respectfully disagree.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgfSzuFD8rw">Judge for yourself!</a><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Josie's on a vacation far away / Come around and talk it over</span><br /><br />I don't know whether to address my comments to lead singer Tony Lewis or songwriter and guitarist John Spinks. I think I will choose the latter, because "Spinks" is kind of a funny name.<br /><br />OK, here we go.<br /><br />First of all, poor Josie, whoever she is. This whole song is about her husband/boyfriend/whatever cheating on her, and all she gets is this cursory mention at the beginning of the song. It sounds a little suspicious too.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Q: </span>Hey, John Spinks, where's Josie?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">A: </span>Oh ... uh ... she's ... on a vacation ... far away! Yeah, that's the ticket.<br /><br />You think he killed her? I think he might've killed her.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So many things that I wanna say</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / You know I like my girls a little bit older</span><br /><br />Regardless of what happened to Josie, our old pal Spinksie isn't doing much better by this other woman. "I like my girls a little bit older"? Really? Of all of these myriad things that you're just dying to say, that's the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Sweet mercy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight</span><br /><br />And this is the second thing? Christ almighty, Spinkasaurus. You're really quite the charmer, aren't you? I'm starting to think Josie is on a "vacation" about as far away as she can possibly get from you. Or maybe she's imaginary. "Josie" sounds kind of like a fake name.<br /><br />Really, though, aren't "I just wanna use your love" and "I don't wanna lose your love" two absolutely contradictory statements? Just because two lines rhyme doesn't mean you should write them back to back, Spinkbones.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I ain't got many friends left to talk to / No one's around when I'm in trouble</span><br /><br />And why might that be? Let's all just sit around and ponder that one for a while.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You know I'd do anything for you / Stay the night but keep it undercover</span><br /><br />I'd do anything for you. Except publicly acknowledge the fact that we have a relationship. Other than that, <span style="font-style: italic;">anything</span>. Come on, baby, you can trust the Spinkmeister.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight</span><br /><br />Grrrr.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Trying to stop my hands from shakin' / Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense / It's been a while since we were all alone / I can't hide the way I'm feelin'</span><br /><br />Somethin' in your mind's not makin' sense? No fucking shit.<br /><br />Hey, Tony Lewis really has a nice voice, doesn't he? He sounds a lot like Sting when he sings that last verse. Just wanted to mix a compliment in there.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">As you leave me please would you close the door / And don't forget what I told you</span><br /><br />Yeah. Good sex there. Now get out and close the door. And don't forget what I told you about keeping this secret. Otherwise you might end up like Josie. Capisce?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong</span><br /><br />Fundamentally, this is true. But you are wrong, Spinks. Very wrong.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Another shoulder to cry upon</span><br /><br />Weirdo.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight</span><br /><br />Am I being too harsh on John Spinks? Maybe this song is about a guy who's really conflicted. He doesn't know whether he wants this to be a one-night stand ("use your love") or whether he really has feelings for this woman ("don't wanna lose your love"). <span style="font-style: italic;">Maybe</span>. I still think it's more likely that these lyrics were carelessly slapped together and chosen more for rhyme and meter than for coherence. I think only one person knows the real truth: Josie. And she's not talking.BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-40389876816149467952009-11-10T20:27:00.007-05:002009-11-10T21:35:55.256-05:00Foreigner -- "Head Games"Oh Lou Gramm, I have missed you like the cracked dry earth misses the rain.<br /><br />So the Wikipedia entry for the album "Head Games" is short but yields a couple of delightful tidbits. First, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the album cover.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SvoW6Srh5dI/AAAAAAAAAC8/c_DyehI78XE/s1600-h/Foreigner-head-games80.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 267px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SvoW6Srh5dI/AAAAAAAAAC8/c_DyehI78XE/s320/Foreigner-head-games80.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5402655893686969810" border="0" /></a><br />Yikes. That definitely is right in the running with the <a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/08/scorpions-wind-of-change.html">Scorpions</a>' <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Virgin_Killer.jpg">"Virgin Killer"</a> for creepiest cover art featured on this blog. And at least the "Virgin Killer" cover is related to the title of the album ... in this case, it would seem Foreigner just really wanted to use a photo of a young girl squatting in a urinal despite the apparent absence of a connection to the title "Head Games." I guess a bathroom can be called a "head" so there is pun potential there, but whatever she's doing doesn't really look like it's part of a game. And why use the urinal when there's a row of seemingly unoccupied stalls right there? The mind reels.<br /><br />Also: "In Aqua Teen Hunger Force, <i>Head Games</i> is one of the abilities of the <i>Foreigner Belt</i>. This ability allows the wearer to transform their victim's head into a game<span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span>, possibly limited to Connect Four." Now that's comedy!<br /><br />Here's the studio version of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mctBMLUQdsg">song</a>, or if you prefer, watch this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie13PxxSX18">rendition</a> that may or may not be performed by a drunken Lou Gramm impersonator.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Daylight, alright</span><br /><br />I really am loving the beginning of this song more and more every time I listen to it. The opening guitar riff is awesome and I appreciate how they just jump right into the hook rather than employ any kind of intro. It's cool. And the first line is nothing but "Daylight! Alright!" as if Lou Gramm is just bursting with happiness and ready to leap out of bed, sing with the bluebirds, and celebrate another glorious day of being alive. As we will soon see, though, this is not the case.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I don't know, I don't know if it's real / Been a long night and something ain't right / You won't show, you won't show how you feel</span><br /><br />At this point (see previous Foreigner-related posts for details) I am highly -- <span style="font-style: italic;">highly </span>-- distrustful of any claims that Lou Gramm makes about his relationship problems. I am strongly inclined to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow his fault.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">No time ever seems right / To talk about the reasons why you and I fight</span><br /><br />And yet, he really seems to be making an effort here. He wants to talk it out. Lou Gramm has seen the light! Hey, that rhymes with four other lines in the first two verses, and one line still to come! Alright!!<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />It's high time to draw the line / Put an end to this game before it's too late</span><br /><br />That seems like a pretty good idea. Relationships are built on trust and communication, and it's better for the couple to put their cards on the table and talk through their problems rather than letting them fester. Lou Gramm is perfectly justified in his desire to bring this situation to a head, if you will.<br /><br />Let's see how this plays out! Just for a change of pace, I'll pretend to be the object of old Lou's psychotic ramblings! Won't that be fun?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Head games, it's you and me baby</span><br /><br />Hi, Lou. Yeah. Who else would it be?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Head games, and I can't take it anymore</span><br /><br />This is unhelpful. What head games are you talking about? I'm happy to discuss this with you but you'll have to be a little more ...<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Head games, I don't wanna play the head games</span><br /><br />OK, Little Louie Lou-Pants, I understand you're frustrated and I want to try to talk this through ... if we could just ... are you listening to me? Louis?!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I daydream for hours it seems / I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you / These daydreams, what do they mean? / They keep haunting me, are they warning me?</span><br /><br />I don't know if daydreams really have this effect on people. If he was talking about a regular REM-sleep-type dream, the last line makes perfect sense, but since daydreams are a product of your conscious mind, I don't know how they really haunt you or warn you of anything. Maybe Lou thinks a daydream is just a dream you have when you take a nap during the day?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Daylight turns into night / We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight</span><br /><br />Phew. That was a long day. A long day of head games.<br /><br />Let's play analogies! I've got one. Lou Gramm:O.J. Simpson::"the answer":the real killer. Wasn't that fun!?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It's always the same and you know who's to blame / You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'</span><br /><br />I guess he's saying that she's to blame. Right? I don't know who else he would be referring to. Unless it's God. Is it God? That would be some dark shit.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Head games, that's all I get from you / Head games, and I can't take it anymore</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Head games, don't wanna play the head games</span><br /><br />We've been over this already. Have we heard one concrete example of a "head game" yet? I don't think so. I'm very suspicious. As Lou Gramm might say, "something ain't right." Sherlock Holmes might also say that. If he was more like Lou Gramm, that is.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So near, so far away / We pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say / It's so clear, I'm sorry to say / But if you wanna win you gotta learn how to play</span><br /><br />Uggghhhh. More vagueness. I'm about to pass out here.<br /><br />Hey, what's up with the rhyme schemes in this song? Each verse seems to have a slightly different one. Oh, guess what I just remembered? I don't care.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Head games, always you and me, baby / Head games, 'till I can't take it anymore</span><br /><br />There's no chance that the "head" in "head games" refers to Lou Gramm's penis, right? Just asking.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Head games, instead of makin' love</span><br /><br />Ah. I think here we are finally getting at the crux of this sordid matter. Head games ... <span style="font-style: italic;">instead of making love</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lou Gramm</span>: Hey, baby! Welcome home! Let's make love!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Woman</span>: Oh, Lou, can't we just sit down and talk a while first? I'm so tired and I just walked in the door.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lou Gramm (clutching his head in dismay)</span>: Wooooaaaah! What are these head games you're playing with me, man? What a drag! Dullsville!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Lou Gramm</span>: (embarks on a 36-hour spiritual journey fueled by drugs and disillusionment)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Woman</span>: (shrugs shoulders) Here we go again!<br />(Canned laughter)<br />(Roll credits)<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Head games, in the first degree / Head games, yeah, always you and me / Head games, why do you do it baby?</span><br /><br />I like how Lou always saves his most nonsensical lyrics for the outro. (See "<a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/07/foreigner-hot-blooded.html">Hot Blooded</a>.") It's like he thinks, hey, this song is pretty much over and probably doesn't need any more lyrics, but I have to sing <span style="font-style: italic;">something</span> here at the end, right? Umm ... "Head games! In the first degree!" .... "That's gold!"<br /><br />If you want to waste five perfectly good minutes playing "Head Games" of your own, try <a href="http://games.adultswim.com/head-games-puzzle-online-game.html">this</a> out! So long, suckers!BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-54129555584021210592009-11-06T13:40:00.010-05:002010-03-09T22:33:33.919-05:00Duran Duran -- "Hungry Like the Wolf"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SvR1jZUW22I/AAAAAAAAACs/O6QXx8Ag3wU/s1600-h/Barbarella-poster.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SvR1jZUW22I/AAAAAAAAACs/O6QXx8Ag3wU/s320/Barbarella-poster.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5401071104076208994" border="0" /></a>So if, like me, you are a connoisseur of 1960s French erotic science fiction, you probably already know this. But, for the unwashed masses who have missed the boat, the band Duran Duran is named after a character from the 1968 classic "Barbarella," starring Jane Fonda as the title character.<br /><br />Here's the plot summary from Wikipedia:<br /><br />"Set in the 40th century, Barbarella follows the adventures of its title character played by Jane Fonda. In the film, Barbarella is assigned by the President of Earth to retrieve Doctor Durand-Durand from the planet SoGo in order to save the earth. Beyond this premise, the plot is very loose, serving mostly as an excuse for Barbarella to end up in erotic situations. On her quest to find Durand Durand, Barbarella is seduced by a human resident of SoGo, who introduces her to penetrative intercourse (civilized people of Barbarella's society find sexual release through pharmaceuticals), seduces an angel named Pygar, and overloads a torture device (called the Excessive Machine) which kills through sexual pleasure."<br /><br />Coincidentally, the members of Duran Duran went on to introduce all of America to penetrative intercourse with their hit song "Hungry Like the Wolf." Take a look at the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQ9k30U7zXA">music video</a>. Oops, wait, that was the wrong video. <a href="http://www.mtvmusic.com/artist/duran_duran/videos/22904/hungry_like_the_wolf">Here you go.</a><br /><br />Just as an aside, this video was shot in Sri Lanka, where to the best of my knowledge, there are no wolves. Why not shoot in Canada or Siberia or something? It would've been cheaper and more relevant to the whole wolf thing. Oh well.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Dark in the city, night is a wire / Steam in the subway, earth is afire</span><br /><br />This is actually some pretty good imagery. "Night is a wire." I like that. Good work, Simon Le Bon.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Woman, you want me, give me a sign / And catch my breathing even closer behind</span><br /><br />Starting to get a little creepy.<br /><br />By the way, I'm not including any of the "do do do do, etc." parts here because they're not really "lyrics" per se, but I would like to point out that the Wikipedia page for this song states that "the repeating of the word 'do' at the end of each verse, is an inspiration from Gordon Lightfoot's song 'If You Could Read My Mind'." [sic] Being naturally curious about bands' musical influences, and being a fan of Mr. Lightfoot myself, I cued up the song, in which he does no "do do do"-ing whatsoever, unless I'm listening to some sort of abbreviated version or something. Is this just completely wrong or am I missing something here?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you</span><br /><br />creepy<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd / And I'm hungry like the wolf</span><br /><br />"Smell like I sound"? I don't get that line. It could be "smell like a sound," but that doesn't really make much sense either. How can a thing or a person smell like he/she/it sounds? I don't think it's possible for a sound to smell like anything. Um. And the following line, "I'm lost in a crowd," doesn't help much either.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Straddle the line in discord and rhyme / I'm on the hunt I'm after you</span><br /><br />I think maybe Simon Le Bon is so hungry that he's become delirious.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Mouth is alive with juices like wine / And I'm hungry like the wolf</span><br /><br />Simon Le Bon is drooling. Or, I don't know, maybe eating somebody?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Stalk through the forest, too close to hide / I'll be upon you by the moonlight side</span><br /><br />"The moonlight side"? What does that mean? And when did we get into this forest? In the first line we were in a city. Unless we were in the forest the whole time and he just happened to mention that it was dark in the city, as a kind of non sequitur. Is anyone else getting hungry? I'm kind of hungry.<br /><br />Hey, why didn't Duran Duran turn this song into a whole series? They could've done "Angry Like the Goat," "Sleepy Like the Bear (In Winter)," "Sticky Like the Anteater," "Endangered Like the Panda," "Amphibious Like the Frog" ... the possibilities are endless. Each one could also be adapted as a children's book and an erotic science fiction movie. Synergy!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">High blood drumming on your skin it's so tight / You feel my heat I'm just a moment behind</span><br /><br />If someone was following you, what would happen first? Would you "catch (his) breathing" or "feel (his) heat"? And would those two things happen like two verses apart?<br /><br />And, "high blood drumming on your skin it's so tight"? Huh? I think maybe it's actually "High blood / drumming on your skin, it's so tight." In which case, whaaa??? Actually, maybe Mr. Le Bon should be congratulated here, because even though I have no concept of what this line means, I can definitively say that it is creepy. Kind of like if a child gave you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but instead of peanut butter and jelly, he used gravel and mucus. You don't really know exactly what he's trying to tell you, but it's quite clear that he is mentally ill and you should sleep with one eye open.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you / Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found / And I'm hungry like the wolf</span><br /><br />OK, we get it.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Straddle the line it's discord and rhyme / I howl and I whine, I'm after you</span><br /><br />The unofficial lyrics I found online said this lyric was "strut on a line." I think that makes less sense than "straddle the line," but it does sound more like he says "strut." So I listened hard to the song (he sings this line three times) and each time it sounded like something different. Then I thought, "Does it really matter which it is? This is like two detectives sitting around arguing about how many times the serial killer stabbed his latest victim, while the killer hops in his car and drives away." Then I realized it wasn't like that at all, but it got me thinking about detectives, so I watched 22 consecutive episodes of "Murder, She Wrote." Then I Googled "Angela Lansbury" and "1960s French erotic science fiction" and got no results.<br /><br />This song is making me type nonsense.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Mouth is alive all running inside / And I'm hungry like the wolf</span><br /><br />This song makes me want to eat a big juicy steak and have penetrative intercouse, not necessarily in that order. The intercourse should be the easy part, but where am I going to find a steak at this hour?BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-82736779102596001722009-11-01T20:50:00.008-05:002009-11-01T22:01:38.193-05:00Aerosmith -- "Sweet Emotion"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/Su4_wiBbkjI/AAAAAAAAACk/7-Al0DknHbk/s1600-h/tyler2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 216px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/Su4_wiBbkjI/AAAAAAAAACk/7-Al0DknHbk/s320/tyler2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5399323106262880818" border="0" /></a>Because cheap laughs that make us feel bad about ourselves later is what we're all about here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics, please enjoy this picture!<br /><br />Ha! This funny-looking celebrity would not fit in in the Real America with us hard-working Joes! All the solid gold toilets in the world won't change the fact that he looks similar to a monkey when he makes a certain facial expression!<br /><br />Little-known fact, though, and here's where I blow your mind -- this monkey got a songwriting credit for "Sweet Emotion." He was later kicked out of the band because of "creative differences" with Steven Tyler, and because he demanded 100 freshly peeled bananas each day before he would write a single word. Many critics feel that while Aerosmith's later work was more polished and enjoyed great commercial success, it didn't quite have the same spark, much like the recordings of Pink Floyd post-Syd Barrett.<br /><br />OK, enough monkeying around! Ha ha! (muffled sob)<br /><br />Before we start with the lyrics, please enjoy this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yGCHPmfqT0">creepy video</a>! I like the part when it appears that Steven Tyler and one of his band-mates (I refuse to learn their names) are on the verge of making out.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion<br /><br /></span>Yeah, emotion sure is sweet. It really doesn't matter what emotion you're feeling -- lust, despair, surprise, angst, contempt, optimism, rage, zest -- it's always pretty sweet. Yup. <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You talk about things that nobody cares</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / You're wearing out things that nobody wears</span><br /><br />First line is grammatically incorrect. You don't "care" something. We need a preposition here.<br /><br />Second line makes little to no sense.<br /><br />So, what emotion is Steven Tyler feeling here? Contempt? Disgust? Confusion?<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />You're calling my name but I gotta make clear</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / I can't say, baby, where I'll be in a year</span><br /><br />OK, up to this point the song makes at least a modicum of sense. Steven Tyler knows a girl, and the girl likes him, but he's not especially into her and wants to let her know that he doesn't see this becoming a serious relationship. He is feeling some sort of emotion, probably apprehension, I guess, and for some reason this is sweet.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />When some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent / Said my get up and go musta got up and went / Well I got good news, she's a real good liar / 'Cause the backstage boogie set your pants on fire</span><br /><br />Oh, my. So much to discuss here. First of all, what does this have to do with anything? Secondly, why are you so concerned with this seemingly casual insult from a "<a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sweat%20hog">sweat hog</a> mama"? You seem kind of insecure. Third, I don't think it's fair to call this woman a liar. She was just probably mistaken about your loss of sexual prowess. Fourth, if the pronoun "you" still has the same unnamed antecedent as it did in Verse 1, why are you responding to this criticism by citing your seduction of a woman that you hold in such seemingly low esteem? And fifth, oh my god, really? "The backstage boogie set your pants on fire"?<br /><br />Phew. I'm calling a timeout. While you wait, maybe you'd enjoy seeing a <a href="http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2007/01/steven-tyler-beach.jpg">disgusting picture</a> of Steven Tyler with his ass hanging out? I know I was thrilled to find it! And hey! Maybe you'd like to buy an Aerosmith <a href="http://www.aeroforceone.com/index.cfm/pk/view/cd/NAA/cdid/1216573/pid/302766">lottery ticket</a>? If that article doesn't entice you, maybe this <a href="http://www.aeroforceone.com/index.cfm/pk/view/cd/NAA/cdid/1211004/pid/302766">commercial</a> in which a goldfish somehow drives a car will do the trick!<br /><br />OK now. Deep breaths. Keep it together, man. Just two verses to go.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion</span><br /><br />What do the words "sweet emotion" have to do with the content of this song? I really want to know. Maybe it's just a filler phrase that Steven Tyler made up, sort of along the lines of "Oh well!" or "What're you gonna do?"<br /><br />So one could say something like "Hey, there's this girl who is really into me, and we did it a couple times, but I need to tell her that it's not really going to work out. I'm really in a pickle here. Sweet emotion!"<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I pulled into town in a police car</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / Your daddy said I took it just a little too far</span><br /><br />This whole third verse is just drunken rambling. I will give anyone who can offer a reasonable explanation of these lyrics an autographed copy of the 1975 Aerosmith album "Toys in the Attic." Or an autographed printout of that disgusting picture of Steven Tyler I linked to above. Whichever you prefer. (These would be autographed by me, not by any members of Aerosmith.)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You're telling her things but your girlfriend lied / You can't catch me 'cause the rabbit done died / Yes it did</span><br /><br />See?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You stand in the front just a shakin' your ass</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> / I'll take you backstage, you can drink from my glass</span><br /><br />Eww. Gross. Haven't you heard of H1N1, Steven Tyler?<br /><br />Actually, this album was released just one year before the swine-flu outbreak of 1976. Coincidence? Or perhaps this occurred because everyone was going around drinking from each other's glasses willy-nilly, throwing caution to the wind, after this song came out? I think I might've stumbled onto something important. Is anyone here an epidemiologist? Is anyone even here? Hello?<br /><br />Hey, what part of the "backstage boogie" do you think that "drink(ing) from (Steven Tyler's) glass" represents? I don't think I want to know.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I'll talk about something you can sure understand / 'Cause a month on the road and I'll be eatin' from your hand</span><br /><br />Irritation. Exasperation. Fear. Horror. Torment. Disgust. Rage. Shame. Agitation. Grumpiness. Melancholy. Dejection. Alienation.<br /><br />Emotions.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Sweet.</span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-12024722668543781792009-10-19T21:41:00.005-04:002009-11-06T19:28:10.244-05:00Bon Jovi -- "I'll Be There For You"Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.<br /><br />Here's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtzcOqv_P-4">today's song</a>, and it's a doozy!<br /><br />But first, Wikipedia told me the original name for the band Bon Jovi. Do you want to hear it? OK.<br />It's "Johny [sic] Electric."<br /><br />!!!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I guess this time you're really leaving / I heard your suitcase say goodbye</span><br /><br />I'm imagining an anthropomorphic suitcase here, kind of like something from Pee Wee's Playhouse, saying "Goodbye, Jon," in a really mopey voice.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well, as my broken heart lies bleeding / You say true love it's suicide</span><br /><br />This is another one of those songs where the singer is just so broken up about his wife/girlfriend/rhino handler leaving and just can't go on without her, oh my god! And you sort of feel sorry for him until you read the rest of the lyrics where he fucking <span style="font-style: italic;">admits</span> how badly he treated her, and how he really deserves everything that happens to him. Then you go out to the garage and huff some paint, because hey, you like huffing paint, and you're not going to let <span style="font-style: italic;">society</span> tell you how to live your life.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">You say you've cried a thousand rivers / And now you're swimming for the shore / You left me drowning in my tears / And you won't save me anymore</span><br /><br />That is a goddamn assload of tears being shed in this little stanza. Why are we trying to save this relationship again? Seriously. Just break up. JUST BREAK UP! And stop writing these awful lyrics. They're really awful. I'm telling you this for your own good. Let this poor girl get on with her life and go take a creative-writing class or something. (But, don't stop pumping out the sweet jams. I know it's a fine line to walk. We can all help you through it.)<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl</span><br /><br />And if that doesn't work, I'll pray to Allah or Buddha or LeBron James or whoever it is people pray to these days.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I'll be there for you / These five words I swear to you</span><br /><br />Ha, I kind of like this line. Except for the fact that everything else in the song indicates that he has <span style="font-style: italic;">never</span> been there for her at any time. Run! Run far away!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">When you breathe I want to be the air for you / I'll be there for you / I'd live and I'd die for you / I'd steal the sun from the sky for you / Words can't say what love can do / I'll be there for you</span><br /><br />Yes! Exactly, Jon Bon Jovi. You've really hit the nail on the head. "Words can't say what love can do." And the fact is, you are trying to save this relationship with words when you have failed to show this poor woman love.<br /><br />Although, if you are in fact able to "steal the sun from the sky" for her, that would be pretty impressive ... for about seven minutes before all of humankind died in agony.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I know you know we've had some good times / Now they have their own hiding place</span><br /><br />But do you know that I know that you know ... oh, forget it.<br /><br />Also, why are you hiding all the good times? That's not really helping your cause.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I can promise you tomorrow / But I can't buy back yesterday</span><br /><br />Unless ... (attempts to buy time machine) ... nope, I was right.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />And baby you know my hands are dirty / But I wanted to be your Valentine</span><br /><br />Are these two lines supposed to be somehow related? His hands are dirty, BUT he wanted to be your Valentine? I'm expecting the next line to be something like "Ooh girl, I made a turkey sandwich / But you joined a marching band." Actually, imagine singing that like Bon Jovi. It's kind of funny. Or maybe it's just funny to imagine him making a turkey sandwich.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby / When you get drunk, I'll be the wine</span><br /><br />Uhhh, yeah. A couple things wrong here. First of all, you already established water as a drowning metaphor earlier in the song. Now you're using it as a life-giving metaphor. Are you trying to sell me a bill of goods here, Jon Bon Jovi? Trying to have your turkey sandwich and eat it too, so to speak?<br /><br />Also, giving her wine when she's already drunk? Creepiness tag.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">(Chorus)</span><br /><br />Now these final lines might be my favorites.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I wasn't there when you were happy / And I wasn't there when you were down</span><br /><br />Beautiful. Awesome. You weren't there when she was happy <span style="font-style: italic;">or </span>when she was down. Meaning you were never there for her at all. Or perhaps only there when she was clipping her toenails, or was watching a boring movie, or was sleeping or something. Then as soon as a hint of emotion flickers across her face, boom! Out the door.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby / I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out</span><br /><br />Awe. Some. Ly. Bad. Lyrics. (These five words I swear to you.)BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-11240080941595950852009-10-16T19:33:00.004-04:002009-10-16T20:12:40.593-04:00A Flock of Seagulls -- I Ran (So Far Away)So I guess we'll stick with the bird theme for one more post.<br /><br />Fun fact! Wikipedia tells us that in 2004, A Flock of Seagulls was part of the "Nike Run Hit Wonder," a series of 5,000- and 10,000-meter road races, featuring popular bands that are frequently classified as one-hit wonders (including Devo, General Public, and <a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/07/tommy-tutone-867-5309.html">Tommy Tutone</a>) who performed along the race course. This sounds like the kind of thing that would make me want to run a road race, something I would normally avoid at all costs.<br /><br />Also, Wikipedia says lead singer Mike Score told VH1 that he "resents" the success of this song. I suppose he also resents the giant mansion and solid gold toilet and rare species of antelope that he was able to buy with all of his ill-gotten money? With a name like Mike Score, you could've easily supported yourself with a reputable career such as pornography or ... pornography.<br /><br />Also, isn't this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUjIA3Rt7gk">video</a> creepy?<br /><br />Lyrics!<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />I walk along the avenue / I never thought I'd meet a girl like you / Meet a girl like you</span><br /><br />Sure, maybe on a boulevard or a cul-de-sac or even a thoroughfare I would've expected to meet a girl like you, but an <span style="font-style: italic;">avenue</span>? Jesus Christ! Fuck!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">With auburn hair and tawny eyes / The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through / Hypnotize me through</span><br /><br />"Tawny" means "of a dark yellowish or dull yellowish-brown color," according to dictionary.com. So yeah, I would not expect to ever meet a girl with yellow eyes, on any sort of roadway. Is it time to consult our old friend WebMD? A female aged 25-34 with yellow eyes may be suffering from hepatitis A, B, or C, cirrhosis of the liver, syphilis, mononucleosis, or tuberculosis, among other things.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away</span><br /><br />Presumably to avoid contracting one of these diseases.<br /><br />Seriously, though, why is he running away? I really want to know. Maybe listening to some more verses will clear up this mystery!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">A cloud appears above your head / A beam of light comes shining down on you / Shining down on you</span><br /><br />That sounds like an image of heaven, although usually when we think of heaven, we think of clouds parting and then light coming down, not a cloud moving in. The cloud would tend to block the light, right?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The cloud is moving nearer still / Aurora borealis comes in view / Aurora comes in view</span><br /><br />A cloud would also tend to obscure the aurora borealis (Northern Lights).<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away</span><br /><br />Still not sure why you make with the running, Mike Score. A beam of light? The aurora borealis? Those are pretty nice things. Things that would make me want to stick around.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Reached out a hand to touch your face / You're slowly disappearing from my view / 'pearing from my view</span><br /><br />OK, I was sort of with you on the whole repeating-the-last-part-of-the-previous-lyric thing, but "'pearing from my view"? That's just sloppy songwriting!<br /><br />And furthermore, aaaaaaagh. I thought you were trying to run away. Now you're reaching out your hand to try to touch this person? You're all over the map on this, Mike Score.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Reached out a hand to try again / I'm floating in a beam of light with you / Beam of light with you</span><br /><br />According to allmusic.com, Mike Score was a hairdresser when he joined this band. Not really sure what we're supposed to do with that information.<br /><br />Allmusic also says that A Flock of Seagulls' lyrics are "forgettable."<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span></span>It's time to play Two Truths and a Lie!<br /><br />1. This song was the inspiration for the movie "Forrest Gump."<br />2. These lyrics are really flipping great.<br />3. I'm having a really easy time wrapping up this blog post, and I think that it's probably my best ever!<br /><br />OK, that was three lies.<span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-81180666628604401722009-10-10T14:00:00.007-04:002009-11-06T19:32:40.113-05:00The Eagles -- "Take It Easy"Man, come on, I had a rough night, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-vwPuiILBc">I hate the fucking Eagles</a>.<br /><br />Actually, it seems to me like the Eagles are the kind of band that when they come on the radio, you'll be like, "Oh yeah, this is a good song," and you probably won't change the station. However, you'll never be like "Oh wow, I'd really love to hear an Eagles jam right now!" or "Hey guys, I erected a small shrine to the Eagles in my basement that includes DNA samples from each band member so that once we have the technology, we can clone them all and force the clones to play live shows for us every night!" Not that I've done that for any bands or anything.<br /><br />So, yeah, I think <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScG0ilS0dgI">the Eagles</a> are pretty cool and can be enjoyed by children of all ages, but they've never done anything that really blows me away. So why am I blogging about them? Your guess is as good as mine.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well, I'm runnin’ down the road tryin' to loosen </span><span style="font-style: italic;">my load </span><br /><br />Uh, OK, not off to a good start here. I get it, you* have worries and troubles and stuff. But I need some clarification on what, specifically, you are doing. "Runnin' down the road" -- are you jogging? That seems like an OK way to take your mind off your problems. But I don't think you're jogging. Are you running away from something or someone? Neither of those things seem like good ways to "take it easy." I think maybe you're actually driving a car, based on subsequent lyrics.<br /><br />Also, how does one "loosen" one's load, exactly? Did you mean "lighten my load"? I would think loosening your load, especially if you're driving, would be a bad idea.<br /><br />Or, maybe you're just constipated.<br /><br />* You = Jackson Browne and Glenn Frey, who co-wrote this song, I guess.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I've got seven women on my mind / Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says she's a friend of mine</span><br /><br />It's a love octagon! Seriously, if you really want to take it easy, friend, you might want to simplify your love life a little. Also, <span style="font-style: italic;">two</span> different women want to "stone" you? I'm guessing you mean throw rocks at you, not smoke marijuana, because smoking marijuana might be the quintessential way to take it easy.<br /><br />Did you know there's a board game called "Take It Easy"? It's true!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/StDQZtlZWuI/AAAAAAAAACM/LkZAiNHsitU/s1600-h/takeiteasy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 318px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/StDQZtlZWuI/AAAAAAAAACM/LkZAiNHsitU/s320/takeiteasy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5391037894114237154" border="0" /></a>That box makes the game look sort of complicated, though, not easy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Take it easy, take it easy / Don't let the sound of your own wheels / Drive you crazy</span><br /><br />Yeah, I mean, if the sound of your *wheels* is driving you crazy, I think you definitely need to take it easy. Like, maybe by checking into a mental institution. Unless you have like a bad axle or something and it's making some sort of clunking sound, in which case it's probably justified. What was I talking about?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Lighten up while you still can / Don't even try to understand / Just find a place to make your stand / And take it easy</span><br /><br />"Lighten up" here could easily be "loosen up." Why don't we just agree to swap the words "loosen" and "lighten" in this song? I think it would make the world a better place. If Obama can win the Nobel Peace Prize for shaking hands with some Egyptian dude or whatever, I can probably make a good case based on this, right? Oooohhhh, did I just get political?! Oh, snap!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona</span><br /><br />I have to say, you know a band has made it when a throwaway line in one of its songs inspires a full-blown <a href="http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/12603">tourist attraction</a>. Although I'm not really sure how exciting this could actually be. It's like going to see the Abbey Road street crossing -- you go there and say, "Yup, there it is," and then maybe take a couple pictures and leave, because really in the end, it's just a crosswalk. I would imagine the corner in Winslow would be even <span style="font-style: italic;">less</span> interesting, because the Beatles were actually at the street crossing at one point, and the Beatles are a much more interesting band than the Eagles.<br /><br />Take that, <a href="http://www.azot.gov/">Arizona Office of Tourism</a>!<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">This message sponsored by the New Mexico Tourism Department.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Such a fine sight to see / It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me / Come on, baby, don't say maybe / I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me / We may lose and we may win but we will never be here again / So open up, I'm climbin' in, take it easy</span><br /><br />Yeah, let's add <span style="font-style: italic;">another</span> woman to the mix. That ought to make your life easier.<br /><br />Also, "come on, baby, don't say maybe" is a terrible lyric.<br /><br />Also, does "open up, I'm climbin' in" warrant the "creepiness" tag? I think we all know the answer to that question.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind / Been lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find</span><br /><br />You're actually a spy? Again, I hate to be a Critical Carl here, but that doesn't seem like a profession conducive to taking it easy.<br /><br />OK, so the rest of the song is mostly just a lot of "ooh, ooh, ooh"-ing and stuff.<br /><br />Hey, how many other bands can you think of that are named after birds? There's the Jayhawks, the Dodos (sub-category: extinct birds), Department of Eagles, Doves, and, of course, the Byrds. It seems like there should be a lot more, but I'm not coming up with any off the top of my head ...BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-29577265285633837312009-10-06T19:42:00.007-04:002009-10-06T20:43:49.827-04:00Starship -- "We Built This City"I think Bernie Taupin might be the Rosetta Stone of awesomely bad lyrics. Not only did his collaborations with Elton John produce some of the <a href="http://awesomelybadlyrics.blogspot.com/2009/08/elton-john-rocket-man.html">loopiest</a> lyrics of all time, but he's credited as one of <span style="font-style: italic;">four </span>writers that contributed a little bit of pixie dust to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH-UqB7uYiE">this train wreck of a song</a>.<br /><br />Also, I encourage you to watch the video (linked above) if you enjoy unnecessary reaction shots, impassioned pleas to statues of Abraham Lincoln (presumably to suspend habeas corpus or something in order to allow Starship to keep on rockin'), statues of Abraham Lincoln that spontaneously come to life in order to rock out, floating emotionless disembodied heads, oversized killer dice that terrorize entire populations, and of course, big hair!<br /><br />Let's get it on!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">/ Built t</span><span style="font-style: italic;">his city, we built this city on rock and roll</span><br /><br />I like songs that get right to the point. Here. Listen. See this city? We built it. On what? Funny you should ask. Not on bricks or mortar or asphalt or dinosaur bones, but on good old fashioned rock and roll!!! It's a metaphor, you see, because obviously you couldn't ... I mean it would be ridiculous to suggest that ... heh heh. Ahhhh.<br /><br />OK, now that that pesky chorus is out of the way, let's bust out the first verse.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Say you don’t know me or recognize my face / Say you don’t care who goes to that kind of place</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">/ Knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight / Too many runaways eating up the night</span><br /><br />Clearly this song wants to rebel against something, but I'm not sure what. I'm not sure the four writers of these lyrics really agree on what, either.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Marconi plays the mamba, liste</span><span style="font-style: italic;">n to the radio, don’t you remember / We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll</span><br /><br />I was going to make an obscure joke about <a href="http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/physics/laureates/1909/marconi-bio.html">Guglielmo Marconi </a>here, but after a little research it appears this lyric <span style="font-style: italic;">actually refers</span> to Guglielmo Marconi. My goodness. Marconi's Wikipedia entry reveals that not only was he a Nobel Prize winner and a pioneer in wireless communication, but was, later in life, "an active Italian fascist and an apologist for their ideology and actions such as the attack by Italian forces in Ethiopia." Umm, maybe not the guy to whom you want to hitch your fake-counter-culture wagon here, Starship.<br /><br />Wikipedia is silent on whether G. Marconi ever actually played the "mamba," which is a kind of snake. Did you mean "mambo"? Maybe "samba"?<br /><br />Or, maybe we should take this literally and believe that an early 20th-century Italian inventor is attempting to play a deadly reptile like a musical instrument. Makes about as much sense as any other interpretation.<br /><br />Hold on a second ... Marconi!!!! LOOK OUT!!!!<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/Ssvd7Tc_3II/AAAAAAAAAB0/2fnSLJGyskQ/s1600-h/black_mamba.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/Ssvd7Tc_3II/AAAAAAAAAB0/2fnSLJGyskQ/s320/black_mamba.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389645389982850178" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SsveL1fqE9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ADDBO8Fu15g/s1600-h/Marconi.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_91yHpwcF7uU/SsveL1fqE9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ADDBO8Fu15g/s320/Marconi.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5389645673998717906" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br />We built this city, we built this c</span><span style="font-style: italic;">ity on rock and roll / Built this city, we built thi</span><span style="font-style: italic;">s city on rock and roll<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><span>Phew. That was a close one.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Someone always playing corporation games / Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names</span><br /><br />Yeah! Take that, CORPORATIONS!!! How dare you establish yourself as a legal entity for the purpose of doing any kind of business! You suck!!!! Except, of course, for RCA Records, the good people that marketed and distributed this song.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">We just want to dance here, someone stole the stage / They call us irresponsible, write us off the page</span><br /><br />What are you angry about? Seriously. I'm getting sleepy.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">It’s just another Sunday, in a tired old street / Police have got the choke hold, oh then we just lost the beat</span><br /><br />What? How do these lyrics make any sense together? The first line makes me think everything is boring and people have stopped rocking because of complacency or something, but then you tell me the police have "got the choke hold," which then caused you to "lose the beat."<br /><br />I think the songwriting process for this tune was like an <a href="http://www.exquisitecorpse.com/definition/About.html">exquisite corpse</a>-type scenario in which Bernie Taupin and his collaborators would each just contribute one line, then pass it off to the next person, and so on until this #1 hit was complete!<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who counts the money underneath the bar?</span><br /><br />Probably the bartender.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Who rides the wrecking ball in two rock guitars?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>Ummm .... I don't know. Ronald Reagan? Anthony Michael Hall? Is this a trick question?<span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Don’t tell us you need us, cause we’re the ship of fools / Looking for America, coming through your schools</span><br /><br />The exquisite corpse will drink the young wine.BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-655723944110190829.post-23919070818151772322009-09-25T10:08:00.003-04:002009-09-25T10:58:46.109-04:00Bryan Adams -- "Heaven"Firstly, Bryan Adams has a <a href="http://www.bryanadams.com/">Web site</a> that is in my opinion quite well designed and well maintained. On this Web site are some<a href="http://www.bryanadams.com/index.php?target=photography"> photographs</a> Bryan Adams has taken of famous people. They are actually very good. Check them out. I like the Morrissey ones.<br /><br />Also! Bryan Adams wrote some bad lyrics once. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eT464L1YRA">Here</a> they are.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh - thinking about all our younger years / There was only you and me / We were young and wild and free</span><br /><br />You know, when I listen to the opening guitar riffs of this song, I always expect Steve Perry to bust in and sing "Highway run / Into the midnight sun." It never happens, but still.<br /><br />So, I was more than a little tickled to find this aside on the Wikipedia page for this song: "While writing 'Heaven', Adams and [Jim] Vallance were influenced by Journey's music and lyrical style, particular their song 'Faithfully.'" This proves, unequivocally, once and for all, that I am a genius.<br /><br />Also, this video is almost like David Lynch-ian, with Bryan Adams alone in a theater with about a thousand TVs. I think it's some kind of commentary on the unique solitude of a rock star, and how it's possible for one to be surrounded by people and yet still completely alone. Of course, this is completely unrelated to the content of the song, which is about a guy who really really likes a girl and everything is totally awesome and nothing can ever tear them apart (not anymore, at least, everything is totally cool now and all that bad stuff is totally in the past) and they will be together forever until the end of time.<br /><p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"> Now nothing can take you away from me / We’ve been down that road before / But that’s over now / You keep me coming back for more</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span>You know, Bryan Adams seems like kind of a cool guy. He's Canadian, speaks Portuguese, has a charitable foundation that probably does some pretty good work, took those cool photographs on his Web site ... and yet, and yet, he writes some of the cheesiest songs ever. Why is this? Does the fault lie with his songwriting partner, Jim Vallance? Does Bryan Adams write like some seriously introspective and literate and lyrical shit and then Vallance tears it up and says, "Fuck this, Adams! Give the people what they want! The people want insipid tripe that's been written, recorded, released, chewed up, swallowed and regurgitated by musicians ten million times since the dawn of time when Neanderthal man got his first real six-string at the five and dime!" Then Adams always gives in because Jim Vallance is fourteen feet tall, weighs 525 pounds, and eats the bones of failed songwriters for breakfast.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Anyhow, that's my working theory on how we ended up with these lyrics here.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Baby you’re all that I want / When you’re lying here in my arms / I’m finding it hard to believe / We’re in heaven</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">I think you are right to be skeptical, Bryan Adams. It sounds like you two have had some tough times in the past, and although things may seem real nice right now, relaxing in bed after you have presumably just had sexual intercourse, this may just be an illusion of happiness.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And love is all that I need / And I found it there in your heart / It isn’t too hard to see / We're in heaven</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">Or, OK, you're actually in heaven. That's another theory.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">"Love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart?" Come on now, Vallance. Let's be reasonable here. Why don't you let Bryan Adams out of his cage in your basement, where you only let him out to perform the occasional benefit concert in sub-Saharan Africa or snap a few photos of Lindsay Lohan, and give him a crack at some of this songwriting? .... I don't think he can hear me. He's plucking full-grown eagles out of the sky right now and manipulating their vocal cords to make them sing "Cuts Like a Knife."<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-style: italic;">Oh - once in your life you find someone / Who will turn your world around / Bring you up when you’re feeling down</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">Oh, buh-rother.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Yeah - nothing could change what you mean to me / Oh there’s lots that I could say / But just hold me now / ‘Cause our love will light the way</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">I changed my mind. Jim Vallance is actually in fifth grade and Bryan Adams is afraid to tell him that his lyrics are bad because he will start crying.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I've been waiting for so long / For something to arrive / For love to come along / Now our dreams are coming true / Through the good times and the bad / Yeah – I’ll be standing there by you</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">I changed my mind again. I think this song was a little experiment to see how many power-ballad cliches could be crammed into one radio-length song. Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records.<br /></p>BLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05773790264332454318noreply@blogger.com12