Awesomely Bad Lyrics

Scorpions -- "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

2010-03-09T21:26:00.005-05:00

Hey guys, aren't hurricanes awesome? Yeah, hurricanes! ROCK!!!

It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud

Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.

My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?

Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!

The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well

Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.

1) Hungry for sex!
2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.
3) Sexual reference.
4) Ibid.

More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show

This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.

Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Yes, and a hurricane. Right.

So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.

Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!

And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.

My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud

I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."

Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose

This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.

And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!

The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show

Klaus Meine: Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!
Woman: Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!
Klaus Meine: Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!
Woman: What?

He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting

Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, you've won this round!

Duran Duran -- "Notorious"

2010-02-13T14:41:00.008-05:00

This song is just a brilliant melange of nonsense and I love it.

Notorious / Notorious/ No-no-notorious

Here we go! I hope you're all bristling with anticipation.

I can't read about it / Burns the skin from your eyes

Anyone see any skin in that diagram? No, me neither. Although, I suppose "burns the aqueous humor from your eyes" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

OK, so Simon LeBon can't read about it, whatever it is, because it singes off his eyelids, I guess ... or, more accurately, it singes off YOUR eyelids. That's right. You no longer have eyelids because Simon LeBon read about it. Sorry, pal. Good luck trying to blink anymore. NO-NO-NOTORIOUS!!!

I'll do fine without it / Here's one you don't compromise

Does this "it" refer to the same thing as the previous antecedent-less "it," or does it refer to the skin from his eyes?

Lies come hard to disguise / They need to fight it out / Not wild about it

These really are the least comprehensible lyrics I've ever seen, bar none, and that's saying something. Simon LeBon might as well have just dubbed the inscrutable cries of the humpback whale over this music. Actually, that would've been kind of cool.

Let's just sit back and enjoy Simon's descent into madness, shall we?

Lay your seedy judgements / Who says they're part of our lives?

Nobody says that. Nobody says "My seedy judgements are part of your lives." Nobody has ever said that. Except Judge Judy. Once. And I refuse to give Judge Judy any publicity on this blog. I'm a Judge Joe Brown man.

I guess the proper response if someone did inexplicably utter those nonsense words, however, would be "Lay your seedy judgements!" That's fairly self-evident.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business

For some reason, I think a lot of the lines in this song would be really funny if Harrison Ford said them in a movie. You know how Harrison Ford doesn't really act anymore, he just barks or growls his lines in a gruff, angry voice? Just imagine these lines as dialogue in a generic Harrison Ford thriller where he is trying to fight back against a corrupt system, or do the right thing against all odds in a world gone mad. Anyone with me here? No? OK, let's move on.

Harrison Ford: (growling) You own the money. You control the witness.
Corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator: (sneering) What are you gonna do about it?
Harrison Ford: (struggling to free himself from hired goons to lunge at corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator) (barking): DON'T MONKEY WITH MY BUSINESS!!!!

OK, now we can move on.

You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it

I don't know if LeBon says "prophets" or "profits" here -- they're homonyms. I can say with 100 percent confidence, though, that it doesn't matter which one he actually says.

These lines work well with that Harrison Ford thing, too. Just saying.

That's why I've done it again / No-no-notorious

What have you done again? And why have you done it? Is there any possible way to know? No. No. Notorious.

Girls will keep the secrets / So long as boys make a noise / Fools run rings to break up / Something they'll never destroy

That first verse was a motherfucking well-structured Socratic discourse compared to this gobbledygook.

Here comes the piece de resistance!

Grand Notorious slam (bam) / And who really gives a damn for a flaky bandit?

The only way the second line makes sense, and I mean the *only* way, is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Head & Shoulders commercial starring Burt Reynolds.

The only way the first line makes sense is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Denny's commercial, which also more than likely would've featured Burt Reynolds. Because, goddammit, say what you want about Burt Reynolds, but he moves merchandise!

Don't ask me to bleed about it / I need this blood to survive

Simon LeBon bravely takes a stand against the use of leeches for medical purposes, about a century too late.

OK, those are all the lyrics, but let's just take another jaunt through the chorus so we can once again bask in its total insanity.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business / You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it / That's why I've done it again / Notorious

You bet your sweet ass you've done it again, LeBon, you magnificent bastard!

Guns 'n' Roses -- "Welcome to the Jungle"

2010-02-07T23:13:00.004-05:00

Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.

Hey, remember L.A. Guns?

So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.

"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."

Also, the jungle in this song is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.

And, I'm not actually drunk right now!

Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games

Sounds fun!

We got everything you want / Honey we know the names

Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades.

We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need

This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!

This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.

If you got the money, honey / We got your disease

Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I wanna watch you bleed

In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.

Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.

Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.

Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.

Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day

Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay."

If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay

She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.

By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.

And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please / You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free

I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?

And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Feel my, my, my, my serpentine / I, I wanna hear you scream

Eww eww eww eww eww.

(orgasmic noises)

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Welcome to the jungle / It gets worse here every day

British guy: I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.
Martha (in screechy voice): Tally ho!
British guy: Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!
Martha (still screechy): Tea and crumpets!
British guy: What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?
Tiger: (goes on mauling spree)

I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.

You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play

Just like Mowgli!

If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually / You can have anything you want / But you better not take it from me

See? He's Satan, right?

Or maybe Willy Wonka. I dunno.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I'm gonna watch you bleed

I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.

And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!

I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.

And, eww.

And, break it down, William Bruce!

You know where you are? / You're in the jungle, baby / You gonna die

Worst safari ever.

Meat Loaf -- I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

2010-01-15T00:15:00.006-05:00

Ahhh. What have I gotten myself into?

OK, I wasn't going to do a preamble for this one, because it is so long, so very long (that's what she said), but Wikipedia has so many juicy little tidbits to tantalize me. So here they are, bulleted:

This song reached number one in twenty-eight countries, the first being Australia on September 4, 1993, where it stayed for 8 weeks, becoming the highest selling single of the year there. It stayed at number one for seven weeks in the United Kingdom and was also the biggest seller of the year in that country.
Quote from Jim Steinman, who wrote this song for Meat Loaf: "It sort of is a little puzzle and I guess it goes by - but they're all great things. 'I won't stop doing beautiful things and I won't do bad things.' It's very noble. I'm very proud of that song because it's very much like out of the world of Excalibur. To me, it's like Sir Lancelot or something - very noble and chivalrous. That's my favorite song on the record - it's very ambitious."
Michael Bay directed the video (!)
In the UK, it topped the singles chart, becoming the longest running song on top there since The Beatles' hit "Hey Jude." (!!)
Meat Loaf himself appeared in a 2009 A1 Steak Sauce commercial singing a rendition of the song. It was also featured in an Egyptian McDonald's commercial, featuring a similar scenario, however the boyfriend essentially chases his girlfriend away so he can indulge in a Big Mac combo. (?!&@^)!@)

OK, good. Let's get down to it!

And I would do anything for love, I'd run right into hell and back / I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that's a fact

I dunno, this sounds pretty good, but running right into hell and back actually sounds sort of fun. I mean, if you have some sort of relationship with the lords of the underworld as Meat Loaf clearly does. You can just run in real quick, say your hellos, and then dash on back, and hey, nobody is any worse for the wear, and then you have a great story to tell at parties. "Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I visited Hades itself and lo found myself strip'd bare before the throne of Satan himself? Funny story..." Kind of like when you are in a sauna and you run out and roll around in the snow for a second and then run right back into the sauna.

Not lying? Ever? Now that's difficult. Sign me up for running right into hell.

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now / Oh no - no way - and I would do anything for love, oh, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love / But I won't do that, no I won't do that

"I'll never forget the way you feel right now" is a weird thing to say.

And some days it don't come easy, some days it don't come hard / Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end

Trying ... not ... to .... make .... dick .... joke .... haaargrghgggglftz

Some nights you're breathing fire / Some nights you're carved in ice / Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before, or will again

I wish this line was literally true. I imagine Meat Loaf coming home, dressed in a firefighter's outfit, with like one of those big flame retardant shields, and then seeing his beloved and being all like "Oh, fuck, she's carved in ice tonight. Better break out the parka and the blowtorch." Why didn't he just make a little schedule for the refrigerator with three columns so he would know which weird thing she was going to be that night? Bad planning, Meat Loaf. Didn't you learn anything at Wharton?

And maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true / I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you

I wish my local newspaper (The Bumwad County Bimonthly Gazette & Mirror) carried a lighthearted feature called "Crazy & True!"

As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning / as long as your dreams are coming true / you better believe it!

Planets turning? Check. Stars burning? Roger that. Dreams coming true? Fuck!

This is like one of those lottery tickets where you always get everything you need except one thing, so you feel like, oh shit, I was SO CLOSE! And then you buy another lottery ticket and another, until you have exhausted your life savings and have to go home and tell your wife that you were abducted by aliens (AGAIN, wtf is going on, so weird, am I right, sweetie?) and it's time to pack up and move over to the next town again.

Those kind of lottery tickets exist, right? I wouldn't know because I live in American Samoa and lottery tickets are fashioned from giant blocks of granite and weigh 12 tons here so nobody buys them.

That I would do anything for love, And I'll be there 'til the final act / I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact

OK, OK, I believe you! You would do anything for love. I believe you, Meat Loaf! Case closed. Send in the dancing bears.

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight / I would do anything for love! But I won't do that, no I won't do that...

Wait, what? You haven't even gone all the way yet? Loser.

Seriously, though, I don't really want to get too deep into what "that" is, because it's kind of a fool's errand but, what is he talking about here? In my opinion he can only be talking about oral sex. Right? Or having a threesome with a wolf. I wouldn't do that either. That's just gross. And dangerous.

I would do anything for love / Anything you've been dreaming of / But I just won't do that...

Yeah, I mean, at the end of the song we are supposed to believe that not doing "that" means not cheating on her and/or leaving her. So how do these verses make sense? If he said "and" instead of "but" it would sort of make sense although it would be a bit superfluous and kind of weirdly defensive but ... argh. Why are you making me do this, Meat Loaf? I said I wasn't going to do it. I said I wouldn't do that!

Some days I pray for silence / And some days I pray for a soul / Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

Irrelevant.

Maybe I'm lonely, and that's all I'm qualified to be / There's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep

I kind of like the first line here. Hey, did I mention the video for this song is totally bizarre and just completely batshit insane? I like at the end when the cops show up with their flashlights for no apparent reason.

As long as the wheels are turning, as long as the fires are burning / As long as your prayers are coming true, you better believe it

Wheels turning? I mean, I guess so, in a way. Fires burning? Sure, why not. Prayers coming true? Aaaagh! Fuckshit! Give me another one of them Monster Megabillions, and hey, throw in a Dollar Blaster Extreme and maybe one of those Bucket O' Golds.

That I would do anything for love / And you know it's true and that's a fact / I would do anything for love and there'll never be no turning back

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you / So long, so long / I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, I would do anything for love, but I wont do that, I wont do that!

Oh my god, this song is ridiculous.

Watch Meat Loaf break it down right here!

I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that...

Fun fact! Meat Loaf's given name is Marvin Lee Aday. Check out the abundance of bizarre names in this truncated Wikipedia tidbit: "Meat Loaf was born as Marvin Lee Aday. He was the first child of Wilma Artie (née Hukel), a school teacher and a member of the Vo-di-o-do Girls gospel quartet, and Orvis Wesley Aday, a police officer. Marvin and his mother would drive around to all the bars in Dallas, looking for Orvis to take him home. Because of this, Marvin often stayed with his grandmother, Charlsee Norrod."

And, look at this weirdness!

But I'll never stop dreaming of you / Every night of my life - no way / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, no I won't do that!

The vocalist in this next part is not Stoney, as much as Meat Loaf probably wishes it was.

Female vocals : Will you raise me up? Will you help me down? Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town? Will you make it all a little less cold?

This must be one of those nights when she's carved in ice.

Meat Loaf : I can do that! / I can do that!

More things that Meat Loaf can do! Yaaaaay!

Female vocals: Will you cater to every fantasy I got? Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot? Will you take me places I've never known?

Did the Vatican ever weigh in on this song? I think filling a hose with holy water and indiscriminately spraying it at some horny temptress is probably a little bit sacrilegious.

Meat Loaf: I can do that! I can do that!

I want to just recap all the things that Meat Loaf can (or would) do.

run right into hell and back
never lie to her (and that's a fact)
never forget the way she feels right now
be there 'til the final act
take a vow and seal a pact
anything she's been dreaming of
never stop dreaming of her
raise her up
help her down
get her right out of this godforsaken town
make it all a little less cold
cater to every fantasy she's got
hose her down with holy water (if she gets too hot)
take her places she's never been

But still he won't do that! It has to be a threesome with a wolf, right?

Female vocal: After a while you'll forget everything / It was a brief interlude, and a midsummer night's fling/ and you'll see that it's time to move on

And still she's not convinced. He promised to hose you down with holy water, stolen from inside the gates of hell, despite the fact that the Pope has specifically forbidden him to do so! Doesn't that count for anything?

Meat Loaf: I won't do that! / I won't do that!

And he said he won't do it! OK? Good enough?

Female vocal: I know the territory, I've been around, It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down, sooner or later you'll be screwing around

Jesus. You are such a bitch.

Meat Loaf: I won't do that! No, I won't do that!

And Meat Loaf, you are a pussy.

Anything for love, I would do anything for love / I would do anything for love, but I won't do that, I won't do that

There you have it, folks! He won't do that. Whatever it is. I guess we can rule out "star in an A1 Steak Sauce commercial" but other than that it's really pretty murky.

Wow. That was exhausting. Good thing I didn't analyze the full version of the song. I'm serious. It's really like 12 minutes long. 7.5 minutes apparently is not enough time to convince us that he will not, in fact, do that.

Loverboy -- "Working for the Weekend"

2010-01-11T21:53:00.010-05:00

If the only funny part of this whole post is the picture below, then I think I've done my job.

See? Told you.

Why is the tip of the middle finger so red? It's like he tied a rubber band around it, or put a little tiny condom on it or something. Let's sincerely hope it's not the latter.

Wikipedia: "The popular Canadian teen drama Degrassi: The Next Generation, which is known for naming each episode after an 80s hit song, named an episode after this song." Whaaaa? Am I the only blogger who has a blog devoted to making fun of songs that are for the most part from the '80s who wasn't aware of this?

This calls for another gratuitous picture of somebody's ass.

Oh! Here's a full episode guide. I guess that other Wikipedia page wasn't kidding, although it looks like they didn't really commit to naming every episode after a song until Season 2, unless there are popular '80s songs called "Basketball Diaries" and "Family Politics" and "Parents' Day" that I am unaware of.

And no, I didn't expect to be Googling "degrassi the next generation episode guide" tonight, thank you very much.

Hey, have you ever heard of this band Loverboy? Like Degrassi: The Next Generation, they are Canadian. What a happy coincidence. Apparently "Working for the Weekend" was their follow-up to the smash hit "The Kid Is Hot Tonite."

Here's a list of bands and artists mentioned on Loverboy's Wikipedia page, in its entirety:
* Cheap Trick
* ZZ Top
* Def Leppard
* Kansas
* Journey
* Judas Priest
* Jon Bon Jovi
* Richie Sambora
* Bryan Adams
* Brian MacLeod (?)
* Enrique Iglesias
* Foreigner

That seems about right.

Fun fact! In 2000, Loverboy bassist Scott Smith was declared dead after being lost at sea!

Another fact: Loverboy has won the most all time "Juno Awards," which is a thing that a) I have never heard of and b) is apparently like the Canadian equivalent of a Grammy.

So, my question is, really? Come on, Canada! I was going to go on a tirade about like Neil Young and Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot and Rush and plenty of other fine Canadian musicians whose names are not coming to mind, but it appears the Junos, while they officially began in 1970, have a sort of spotty history and at one point may have been solely devoted to classical music, but, all that being said, even so, really?! Loverboy??

By the way, my train of thought while writing this post has somehow led me to start downloading George Michael songs. What?

Ok, time for some anticlimactic lyrics ...

Everyone's watching, to see what you will do / Everyone's looking at you, ooh

I'm not sure what to say about these lyrics. They seem to just be nonsense. There are two verses in the song, and an eight-line chorus, and none of them appear to be at all related to each other.

Everyone's wondering, will you come out tonight? / Everyone's trying to get it right, get it right

Still not sure what to say.

Everybody's working for the weekend / Everybody wants a new romance / Everybody's goin' off the deep end / Everybody needs a second chance, oh

These lyrics are nice, and fun, but what do they have to do with the first verse we just saw?
Also, first eight lines all start with either "everyone" or "everybody."

'Cause I gotta have faith / Ooh, I gotta have faith

Whoops, sorry about that.

You want a piece of my heart / You better start from the start / You wanna be in the show / Come on, baby, let's go

Again, what? What show? Who is he talking to? Who is he? (Besides awesomely named lead singer Mike Reno, that is.)

"Start from the start"?

Where am I?

Everyone's looking to see if it was you / Everyone wants you to come through

Mike Reno sounds a little bit like Geddy Lee here. Canada!

Everyone's hoping it'll all work out / Everyone's waiting, they're holding out

Yep. That's the whole song. Is there any rational way to link all these random lyrics together? Is this a trenchant social commentary on American society, as legions of workers whose souls were crushed to powder long ago trudge to factories or cubicles, fooling themselves into thinking they are "working for the weekend" when their weekends really consist of just more mind-numbing monotony, just in front of the TV instead of the Excel spreadsheet or the ... uh ... wall of the coal mine, or whatever it is they look at all day at work? And, the rambling and nonsensical lyrics are meant to be emblematic of the pointlessness of this inexorable march toward death?

Goddam Canucks always thinking they're better than us ... well I'll show ... zzzzzzzzzz.

Steve Perry -- "Oh Sherrie"

2010-01-04T20:03:00.005-05:00

Awesomely Bad Lyrics, Vol. XL: In which Steve Perry rubs up suggestively against a wrought-iron balcony.

So after watching the video, in which said rubbing transpires, I was thinking, "Oh boy, this is just another bizarre, poorly conceived rock video that consists basically just of a bunch of random images and scenes that make no sense." Which is true.

But! There is a longer version that makes perfect sense and is actually sort of clever and mildly entertaining. I suppose it had to be cut down for MTV, in which case, worst editing job EVER because it is basically impossible to understand what's going on without the context that's removed.

Also, I really love how the YouTube label for the shorter version makes it seem as if it is a song by Journey called "Oh Sherry (Steve Perry)."

You should've been gone knowing how I made you feel / And I should've been gone after all your words of steel

Coming soon from Roget's: "WORDS OF STEEL"!!!! This ain't your grandpa's thesaurus!!!

Oh/ I must've been a dreamer / and I must've been someone else / And we should've been over

OK, I'm sensing a theme here. Sherrie should've been gone AND you should've been gone AND you must've been a dreamer AND you must've been someone else AND your relationship should've been over. That's a lot of strikes against this blessid union of souls. So, ipso facto, there must be some amazing reason that this partnership should, against all odds, work out. I can't wait to hear it!

Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on / Oh, Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on

Uh. OK. Well, that's not a reason. Just ... a thing. Good old Steve Perry must just be building anticipation for the big reveal, though. What a storyteller!

While we're waiting, did you know the girl in the video is actually Sherrie? Sherrie Swafford. She was Steve Perry's girlfriend when he wrote the song.

I want to let go, you'll go on hurtin' me

More bad stuff. You are really building a strong case for ending this relationship, Steve. (Keep in mind also that Sherrie is a real person who he was romantically involved with when he wrote this song. How would you have felt if you were Sherrie and you heard this little ditty? I would've felt bad. Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.)

You'd be better off alone if I'm not who you thought I'd be

OK, more bad stuff (I think). But I have a feeling that we're about to find out just what it is that makes these two tick!

But you know that there's a fever

(leans in closely) Uh-huh???

(cocks head in anticipation)

that you'll never find nowhere else

(braces for inevitable disappointment) And?

Can't you feel it burnin' - on and on?

That's it, folks! That's why Steve Perry and Sherrie Swafford continue to date despite overwhelming evidence that they should not: "There's a fever" (where?) that she will "never find nowhere else." (Which, I guess, means that Steve Perry *can* find the fever? What a fucking arrogant bastard.)

Surprise! Steve and Sherrie broke up in 1985, the year after this song came out. Now, nearly a quarter-century later, when you search for "sherrie swafford bio" on Google, the first page that comes up is called "Steve Perry's Biography." So, that must make her feel really good. Are you happy, Perry? Are you?!

Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on

You son of a bitch.

But I should've been gone long ago, far away

Why are you still singing?

And you should've been gone / now I know just why you stay

Because Steve Perry is such a sexy bastard, and he sings like an angel and is utterly irresistible to every man, woman, child, and beast of the field. Right? Right?!?!

Douchebag.

CODA: Apparently after he and Sherrie broke up, Steve Perry wrote an explanation of why it happened on his Web site. It's ineloquent, but clearly heartfelt and sort of touching. It makes me feel bad that I just made fun of him and called him names.

Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.

Asshole.

REO Speedwagon -- "Can't Fight This Feeling"

2009-12-20T00:40:00.004-05:00

Oh YouTube, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1. This video is, I believe, the original video for this song. It's kind of nice ... straightforward shots of the band playing the song, bookended by a montage of Kevin Cronin trying to get the key right, and a part at the end where the entire band collapses into a giggling fit for no apparent reason and Cronin says "That warms the cockles of my cockles!" which is a funny thing to say. The band comes off as pretty likeable, even though the part at the beginning was clearly staged after the fact.

2. Here's the alternate version of the video, which is totally creepy and unintentionally hilarious! Lots of intriguing facial expressions and outdated haircuts to choose from. Also, I totally want the sweatshirt that the teenaged version of the fictional person who ages throughout the video is wearing at around the 1:38 mark.

3. And then there's this, which is also vaguely creepy (mostly because of the Brokeback Mountain images mixed in with all the Disney ones) and oddly hypnotizing.

And, if you really want to dig deep into this song's videography, there are some other funny karaoke-style videos with weird pictures. (What is the deal with the pictures that accompany karaoke songs? They are always just so bizarre. Is it an Asian cultural-divide thing? Who picks these images? I need to know these things.)

I can't fight this feeling any longer / And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow / What started out as friendship has grown stronger / I only wish I had the strength to let it show

So yeah, Kevin Cronin knows a girl, and I guess they are friends, and she wants to be more than friends. He was reluctant to embrace this concept but is now coming around.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever / I say there is no reason for my fear

OK, we get the point. You're afraid, you have no strength, you have fear, etc. Are you playing for our sympathy? Mission not accomplished.

Wait a minute ... wait just a cotton-pickin' minute. Take these first three stanzas here and then think about Brokeback Mountain ... maybe that YouTube video had a point. Maybe those Disney images were just meant to throw us off the trail here. Could it be that Kevin Cronin posted that video himself, trying to send a message to the world as a desperate cry for help???

Wait, am I making Brokeback Mountain jokes?

'Cause I feel so secure when we're together / You give my life direction, you make everything so clear

That sounds really nice, Kevin. Why are you trying to fight this feeling? Seriously. Just let it flow, pal. Do what feels right. Take that "fishing trip."

And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight

Kevin Cronin has somehow acquired a Predator drone.

You're a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night / And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

This is boring.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore / I've forgotten what I started fighting for

Because you were afraid of being ostracized by a society that is still unwilling to accept a love between two men, no matter how secure you feel or how much your lover reminds you of a candle. Remember?

It's time to bring this ship in to the shore / And throw away the oars forever

I'm fine with bringing the ship in to the shore, but do you really need to throw away the oars? Forever? That just seems rash. Can't you just pretend to throw away the oars as a symbolic gesture, but then, in the dead of night, retrieve them and hide them away someplace safe? Just in case you need them sometime in the future? I mean, the ship is still going to be there. And then someday you will be like, "Hey, there's my old ship! Might be nice to take it for a spin. Now what did I do with those oars? Oh, fuck!"

Of course, the oars in this case are actually Kevin Cronin's testicles.

'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore / I've forgotten what I've started fighting for

But I just ... told you ...

And if I have to crawl upon the floor / Or come crashing through your door / Baby I can't fight this feeling anymore

I like the two scenarios that Kevin comes up with for how to win this dude's heart. I'm imagining him supplicating himself, but that ends up being a turnoff. So he's all like, "Oh, wait a minute, I have to go get something out of my car," and walks out the door, then turns around and smashes right through it, leaving a Kool Aid guy-style cutout of himself, and bellows with rage and desire: "Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore!" Then he's all, "Oh, sorry about that door. Sometimes I do things rashly without considering the consequences. Like, this one time, I had these oars and ..."

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you / I've been running round in circles in my mind

In the video (#2 in the list above), this second line is accompanied by a picture of a guy literally running around in circles within another guy's head. (Or, more accurately, within his hat.) Go back and watch that video. It's really very strange.

And it always seems that I'm following you girl / 'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

Yeah. Right. "Girl." Oh, Kevin. I thought you'd come so far. Back to square one. But, on the plus side, you still have your oars.

Justin Timberlake -- "Rock Your Body"

2009-12-12T00:20:00.005-05:00

Come on now, you now I couldn't do Britney without doing Justin.

Wait a minute, that sounds like a ... oh, never mind.

You know, I think I've said this before, but I really like Justin Timberlake. I find his SNL appearances consistently hilarious, I really unironically enjoy a lot of his music, and I've already spoken of how I appreciated his performance as Pilot Abilene in the movie Southland Tales. So, I guess I was sort of pleased to discover that the lyrics to his songs are not that bad. I mean, certainly it's not Wordsworth or anything, but on the whole they seem simple, heartfelt and inoffensive.

This song, then, is the exception that proves the rule! (Can anyone explain this saying to me? I've always felt that an exception would disprove the rule, not prove it. Is there some basis for saying this, or it just a little bit of nonsense that found its way into the vernacular? Please discuss in the comments section.)

Also, please indulge yourself by viewing the video for this song, in which Justin dances inside the Large Hadron Collider and propounds the theory of parallel universes around the 4-minute mark. This video must've caused quite a stir in the quantum mechanics community.

Not sure if this is the official video because there's a little part in the middle that isn't in the radio version of the song, but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself.

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me

This seems sort of desperate, doesn't it? Especially when he cries out "Please stay!" Come on, you're Justin Timberlake. You don't have to beg this girl to stay and dance with you.

You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / 'Til the break of day / Dance with me

I don't get the first line. She doesn't have to admit she wants to have sex with you, she can just dance with you? That doesn't make sense though, given that in the same breath you say you are going to "rock [her] 'til the break of day," which quite clearly means having sex all night.

Also, saying "'til the break of day" is a sweet pop music cliche to indicate the sexual prowess of the singer. Kudos for slipping this in there, Timberlake.

Got time, but I don't mind / Just wanna rock you girl / I'll have whatever you have / Come on, let's give it a whirl

"Got time, but I don't mind"? I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Just making small talk before he gets back to talking about rocking her body, I suppose.

See I've been watching you / And I like the way you move / So go ahead, girl, just do / That ass shaking thing you do

If Lou Gramm sang this shit I'd probably crucify him and leave his putrefying corpse to be pecked at by woodland creatures, but Justin Timberlake is just so cute! You go, Justin! (Swoon)

So you grab your girls / And you grab a couple more / And you all come meet me / In the middle of the floor

If she already grabbed her girls, does she really need to grab a couple more random ones too? Come on. Let's not get greedy now. How many people do we need in this clusterfuck? Britney? Any thoughts?

Said the air is thick, it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right

First line is kind of gross. Second one is about dancing. Justin Timberlake likes dancing. And sex. But not Britney. Right? I haven't read any of the tabloids lately. How's Bennifer doing?

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me / You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / Till the break of day / Dance with me

Seriously, though, you've probably seen his SNL skits, but if you haven't, please watch them, here and here. It's OK. I'll be right here.

I don't mean no harm / Just wanna rock you girl / You can move, but be calm / Let's go, let's give it a whirl

"You can move, but be calm"? This sounds like something a bank robber would say to one of his hostages.

See it appears to me / You like the way I move / I'll tell you what I'm gonna do / Pull you close and share my groove

The first two lines are funny if you imagine them being said by an elderly British gentleman, e.g. Ian McKellen or Patrick Stewart. Second two, not so funny. ... OK, I guess they're kind of funny too.

OK, now this song gets kind of complicated with different lyrics and vocalists overlapping and such. I think what I'll do is put any non-Timberlake lyrics in parentheses.

(Talk to me boy) / No disrespect, I don't mean no harm

I love the phrase "no disrespect." Check-plus. But, it should always be said in a New York and New Jersey accent. Check-minus.

(Talk to me boy) / I can't wait to have you in my arms / (Talk to me boy) / Hurry up cause you're takin' too long / (Talk to me boy) / Better have you naked by the end of this song

I've been led to believe that this whole rigamarole has been occurring in a public place, so I suppose that getting her naked by the end of the song would be grounds for arrest. Which mean, of course, that I can break out the "criminal activity" tag! I'm so excited, and I'm sure you are too.

So what did you come for / (I came to dance with you) / And you know that you don't want to hit the floor / (I came to romance with you)

Ah. I'm starting to rethink this song. Justin Timberlake's character may be a member of the mafia. The "no disrespect" line set off alarm bells, and now he appears to be coercing her into stating her affections through threats of physical violence.

You're searching for love forever more / (It's time to take a chance) / If love is here on the floor, girl

"Love is here on the floor?" Ewwwww.

Aaaand this goes on for some time, but without any really discernible alterations in the lyrics. Same words, different patterns. I think this song might actually be a sestina.

Eh, not really, but let's go out on a classy note since we were veering into vulgarity at times. Although, I guess I can't be blamed for being a little vulgar in a post about a guy who sang about sticking his dick in a box and banging his friend's mom.

Timberlake!

Britney Spears -- "3"

2009-12-04T18:11:00.009-05:00

If you don't mind, I'm going to get a little personal here. My last post on The Outfield sent me into a personal and professional tailspin. Who cares about The Outfield?, I thought to myself. What is the point of this blog? What is the point of anything? Why are strawberries red? Where do rainbows go when the rain stops? And so on. You know, life.

So I went into seclusion in the west wing, so to speak, and had a good think. I thought and thought until I could think no more. Then, just as I was about to give up hope -- an epiphany. If I really want to make a difference, I realized, I can't go around mocking songs from the '80s and thinking anything's going to change. That would be like shipping food back in time to Nigerians who have long since passed away or gone on to profitable careers in online scammery. If I want things to change, I have to mock songs in real time! Take on the chart-toppers of today instead of those from yesteryear.

That was all a lie!

Actually, last weekend I was watching the VH1 Top 20 with my friend Richie and not only had I never heard a single song on the list, but I'd never heard of most of the bands. "Owl City"? "Lady Gaga"? "Lifehouse"? "Bon Jovi"? wtf?? I was particularly captivated by Britney Spears' new video, in which she sings about having a threesome while dancing provocatively with people of both sexes. Then, I heard the song again on the radio while driving home (right after Led Zeppelin's "No Quarter," not sure what exactly that station's target audience was) and I figured it was fate.

So after many long years in the wilderness I present to you "3" by Britney Spears! Enjoy the video, which I find somewhat unsettling.

1, 2, 3 / not only you and me / Got one eighty degrees / And I'm caught in between / Countin'

I am really kind of charmed by how weird these lyrics are. They start out in a very straightforward way. "1, 2, 3" clearly means that there are three people. "Not only you and me" iterates that fact. Then, the third line makes no sense. I guess she looks at one person, then swivels around 180 degrees to see that there is another person? But she says she has "got" 180 degrees, like she is in possession of them. I do not know what it means. Then, she says she is "caught in between" the people. OK, I guess so.

Then the final line, my favorite -- "Countin'!" This song is about counting! Try singing it in Count von Count's voice. Amazing!

1, 2, 3 / Peter, Paul & Mary / Gettin' down with 3p / Everybody loves / Countin'

This part sounds even more like something from Sesame Street. Doesn't it? If instead of being about having sex with two people at the same time, and accompanied by images of nearly naked people bumping and grinding each other all over the place, it was instead about, well, learning how to count, and accompanied by images of playful puppets and clean multiracial children, it would be just like Sesame Street! I like Britney Spears.

Babe, pick a night / To come out and play / If it's alright / What do you say?

Haha, I was actually ready to ditch this whole Sesame Street thing, but .... seriously. Replace "babe" with "friend" or something and we're still right on track.

Merrier the more / Triple fun that way / Twister on the floor / What do you say?

I don't think a threesome would triple the fun. To an outside observer it would multiply the fun by 1.5, and for either participant it would only double the fun. Come on! This is just simple math. Don't these songwriters have copy editors? (I have no idea who actually wrote this song and refuse to look it up. But I do know that it was copy edited by Bill Sanderson of Grand Forks, N.D. For shame, Mr. Sanderson. Take more pride in your craft.)

Also, "merrier the more"? Was the "Twister on the floor" line so indispensable that we had to do these verbal gymnastics? Was it?! SANDERSON!!!!

Are you in? / Livin' like this is the new thing / Are you in? / I am countin'!

This sounds like a creepy hippie pickup line from the '60s. Hey, baby! Are you in for this threesome? Livin' like this is totally the new thing, man! Loosen up! Far out! MAN WALKS ON MOON

And, I remain charmed by how excited Britney is about being able to count. Baby steps.

Three is a charm / Two is not the same / I don't see the harm / So are you game?

At this point the songwriters probably realized there wasn't much to say about having a threesome that wasn't sort of gross and creepy, especially when paired with such a danceable and frivolous beat.

Lets' make a team / Make 'em say my name / Lovin' the extreme / Now are you game?

See? Case in point. "Let's make a team / Make 'em say my name" ... gross and creepy.

What we do is innocent / Just for fun and nothin' meant / If you don't like the company / Let's just do it you and me

I find this part disconcerting because of the change in tempo. I know every pop song in this vein has to have a part where they slow it down and get all emotional and romantic for a minute before going back to the loopy-loop dance-a-ganza with the hey-hey and the flip-flop. But this song is about a threesome, which is really by definition (in my opinion) not at all romantic. I mean, I am not anti-threesome, and I hope all of you go out and have 10 threesomes with 20 different people immediately after reading this post, but I think if you're going to write a song about having threesomes, just go for broke and make it a kind of in-your-face celebration of Bacchanalian pleasure, don't try to write cute sugarcoated lyrics and try to infuse some measure of tenderness and longing in here. Threesomes are not about tenderness and/or love. They are about fucking. Right? Um. Excuse me for a few minutes.

OK.

You and me / Or three / Or four / On the floor
Four! Four slutty people on the floor! Ah, ha, ha!
Five! Five venereal diseases! Ah, ha, ha!

Counting!

The Outfield -- "Your Love"

2009-11-16T13:44:00.003-05:00

Holy crap. I was toying with the idea of mentioning that it seemed to me that a disproportionate number of baseball players use this song as their "at bat" music. (Hitters often pick a song to play on the PA system when they come up to the plate.) But, I decided not to, because I'd heard it maybe only like three times, and that's a pretty small sample size.

But, lo and behold, Wikipedia actually mentions this on its page for this song! So, I'm not crazy, and baseball players are weird. The players it mentions are: Gordon Beckham (3B), Kelly Johnson (2B), Frank Catalanotto (OF) and Eric Byrnes (OF). All white guys, and only two of them are actually outfielders, so at least Mr. Beckham and Mr. Johnson really like this song and didn't just think it would be funny to play a song by a band called "The Outfield." Although there are no bands called "The Infield" that I'm aware of, so I don't know if they had much of a choice in the matter. "Second Base" or "Third Base" would be good band names, but I don't think any group has harnessed this particular bit of genius either.

Speaking of baseball, this song has been a topic of discussion on a sports blog that I follow. So thanks to Joe Posnanski, whom I have never met or corresponded with, for the (sort of) recommendation, although he seems to think this song is just bad and not in any way awesome. I respectfully disagree.

Judge for yourself!

Josie's on a vacation far away / Come around and talk it over

I don't know whether to address my comments to lead singer Tony Lewis or songwriter and guitarist John Spinks. I think I will choose the latter, because "Spinks" is kind of a funny name.

OK, here we go.

First of all, poor Josie, whoever she is. This whole song is about her husband/boyfriend/whatever cheating on her, and all she gets is this cursory mention at the beginning of the song. It sounds a little suspicious too.

Q: Hey, John Spinks, where's Josie?
A: Oh ... uh ... she's ... on a vacation ... far away! Yeah, that's the ticket.

You think he killed her? I think he might've killed her.

So many things that I wanna say / You know I like my girls a little bit older

Regardless of what happened to Josie, our old pal Spinksie isn't doing much better by this other woman. "I like my girls a little bit older"? Really? Of all of these myriad things that you're just dying to say, that's the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Sweet mercy.

I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight

And this is the second thing? Christ almighty, Spinkasaurus. You're really quite the charmer, aren't you? I'm starting to think Josie is on a "vacation" about as far away as she can possibly get from you. Or maybe she's imaginary. "Josie" sounds kind of like a fake name.

Really, though, aren't "I just wanna use your love" and "I don't wanna lose your love" two absolutely contradictory statements? Just because two lines rhyme doesn't mean you should write them back to back, Spinkbones.

I ain't got many friends left to talk to / No one's around when I'm in trouble

And why might that be? Let's all just sit around and ponder that one for a while.

You know I'd do anything for you / Stay the night but keep it undercover

I'd do anything for you. Except publicly acknowledge the fact that we have a relationship. Other than that, anything. Come on, baby, you can trust the Spinkmeister.

I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Grrrr.

Trying to stop my hands from shakin' / Somethin' in my mind's not makin' sense / It's been a while since we were all alone / I can't hide the way I'm feelin'

Somethin' in your mind's not makin' sense? No fucking shit.

Hey, Tony Lewis really has a nice voice, doesn't he? He sounds a lot like Sting when he sings that last verse. Just wanted to mix a compliment in there.

As you leave me please would you close the door / And don't forget what I told you

Yeah. Good sex there. Now get out and close the door. And don't forget what I told you about keeping this secret. Otherwise you might end up like Josie. Capisce?

Just 'cause you're right - that don't mean I'm wrong

Fundamentally, this is true. But you are wrong, Spinks. Very wrong.

Another shoulder to cry upon

Weirdo.

I just wanna use your love tonight / I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Am I being too harsh on John Spinks? Maybe this song is about a guy who's really conflicted. He doesn't know whether he wants this to be a one-night stand ("use your love") or whether he really has feelings for this woman ("don't wanna lose your love"). Maybe. I still think it's more likely that these lyrics were carelessly slapped together and chosen more for rhyme and meter than for coherence. I think only one person knows the real truth: Josie. And she's not talking.

Foreigner -- "Head Games"

2009-11-10T20:27:00.007-05:00

Oh Lou Gramm, I have missed you like the cracked dry earth misses the rain.

So the Wikipedia entry for the album "Head Games" is short but yields a couple of delightful tidbits. First, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the album cover.

Yikes. That definitely is right in the running with the Scorpions' "Virgin Killer" for creepiest cover art featured on this blog. And at least the "Virgin Killer" cover is related to the title of the album ... in this case, it would seem Foreigner just really wanted to use a photo of a young girl squatting in a urinal despite the apparent absence of a connection to the title "Head Games." I guess a bathroom can be called a "head" so there is pun potential there, but whatever she's doing doesn't really look like it's part of a game. And why use the urinal when there's a row of seemingly unoccupied stalls right there? The mind reels.

Also: "In Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Head Games is one of the abilities of the Foreigner Belt. This ability allows the wearer to transform their victim's head into a game, possibly limited to Connect Four." Now that's comedy!

Here's the studio version of the song, or if you prefer, watch this rendition that may or may not be performed by a drunken Lou Gramm impersonator.

Daylight, alright

I really am loving the beginning of this song more and more every time I listen to it. The opening guitar riff is awesome and I appreciate how they just jump right into the hook rather than employ any kind of intro. It's cool. And the first line is nothing but "Daylight! Alright!" as if Lou Gramm is just bursting with happiness and ready to leap out of bed, sing with the bluebirds, and celebrate another glorious day of being alive. As we will soon see, though, this is not the case.

I don't know, I don't know if it's real / Been a long night and something ain't right / You won't show, you won't show how you feel

At this point (see previous Foreigner-related posts for details) I am highly -- highly -- distrustful of any claims that Lou Gramm makes about his relationship problems. I am strongly inclined to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow his fault.

No time ever seems right / To talk about the reasons why you and I fight

And yet, he really seems to be making an effort here. He wants to talk it out. Lou Gramm has seen the light! Hey, that rhymes with four other lines in the first two verses, and one line still to come! Alright!!

It's high time to draw the line / Put an end to this game before it's too late

That seems like a pretty good idea. Relationships are built on trust and communication, and it's better for the couple to put their cards on the table and talk through their problems rather than letting them fester. Lou Gramm is perfectly justified in his desire to bring this situation to a head, if you will.

Let's see how this plays out! Just for a change of pace, I'll pretend to be the object of old Lou's psychotic ramblings! Won't that be fun?

Head games, it's you and me baby

Hi, Lou. Yeah. Who else would it be?

Head games, and I can't take it anymore

This is unhelpful. What head games are you talking about? I'm happy to discuss this with you but you'll have to be a little more ...

Head games, I don't wanna play the head games

OK, Little Louie Lou-Pants, I understand you're frustrated and I want to try to talk this through ... if we could just ... are you listening to me? Louis?!

I daydream for hours it seems / I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you / These daydreams, what do they mean? / They keep haunting me, are they warning me?

I don't know if daydreams really have this effect on people. If he was talking about a regular REM-sleep-type dream, the last line makes perfect sense, but since daydreams are a product of your conscious mind, I don't know how they really haunt you or warn you of anything. Maybe Lou thinks a daydream is just a dream you have when you take a nap during the day?

Daylight turns into night / We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight

Phew. That was a long day. A long day of head games.

Let's play analogies! I've got one. Lou Gramm:O.J. Simpson::"the answer":the real killer. Wasn't that fun!?

It's always the same and you know who's to blame / You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'

I guess he's saying that she's to blame. Right? I don't know who else he would be referring to. Unless it's God. Is it God? That would be some dark shit.

Head games, that's all I get from you / Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, don't wanna play the head games

We've been over this already. Have we heard one concrete example of a "head game" yet? I don't think so. I'm very suspicious. As Lou Gramm might say, "something ain't right." Sherlock Holmes might also say that. If he was more like Lou Gramm, that is.

So near, so far away / We pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say / It's so clear, I'm sorry to say / But if you wanna win you gotta learn how to play

Uggghhhh. More vagueness. I'm about to pass out here.

Hey, what's up with the rhyme schemes in this song? Each verse seems to have a slightly different one. Oh, guess what I just remembered? I don't care.

Head games, always you and me, baby / Head games, 'till I can't take it anymore

There's no chance that the "head" in "head games" refers to Lou Gramm's penis, right? Just asking.

Head games, instead of makin' love

Ah. I think here we are finally getting at the crux of this sordid matter. Head games ... instead of making love.

Lou Gramm: Hey, baby! Welcome home! Let's make love!
Woman: Oh, Lou, can't we just sit down and talk a while first? I'm so tired and I just walked in the door.
Lou Gramm (clutching his head in dismay): Wooooaaaah! What are these head games you're playing with me, man? What a drag! Dullsville!
Lou Gramm: (embarks on a 36-hour spiritual journey fueled by drugs and disillusionment)
Woman: (shrugs shoulders) Here we go again!
(Canned laughter)
(Roll credits)

Head games, in the first degree / Head games, yeah, always you and me / Head games, why do you do it baby?

I like how Lou always saves his most nonsensical lyrics for the outro. (See "Hot Blooded.") It's like he thinks, hey, this song is pretty much over and probably doesn't need any more lyrics, but I have to sing something here at the end, right? Umm ... "Head games! In the first degree!" .... "That's gold!"

If you want to waste five perfectly good minutes playing "Head Games" of your own, try this out! So long, suckers!

Duran Duran -- "Hungry Like the Wolf"

2009-11-06T13:40:00.010-05:00

So if, like me, you are a connoisseur of 1960s French erotic science fiction, you probably already know this. But, for the unwashed masses who have missed the boat, the band Duran Duran is named after a character from the 1968 classic "Barbarella," starring Jane Fonda as the title character.

Here's the plot summary from Wikipedia:

"Set in the 40th century, Barbarella follows the adventures of its title character played by Jane Fonda. In the film, Barbarella is assigned by the President of Earth to retrieve Doctor Durand-Durand from the planet SoGo in order to save the earth. Beyond this premise, the plot is very loose, serving mostly as an excuse for Barbarella to end up in erotic situations. On her quest to find Durand Durand, Barbarella is seduced by a human resident of SoGo, who introduces her to penetrative intercourse (civilized people of Barbarella's society find sexual release through pharmaceuticals), seduces an angel named Pygar, and overloads a torture device (called the Excessive Machine) which kills through sexual pleasure."

Coincidentally, the members of Duran Duran went on to introduce all of America to penetrative intercourse with their hit song "Hungry Like the Wolf." Take a look at the music video. Oops, wait, that was the wrong video. Here you go.

Just as an aside, this video was shot in Sri Lanka, where to the best of my knowledge, there are no wolves. Why not shoot in Canada or Siberia or something? It would've been cheaper and more relevant to the whole wolf thing. Oh well.

Dark in the city, night is a wire / Steam in the subway, earth is afire

This is actually some pretty good imagery. "Night is a wire." I like that. Good work, Simon Le Bon.

Woman, you want me, give me a sign / And catch my breathing even closer behind

Starting to get a little creepy.

By the way, I'm not including any of the "do do do do, etc." parts here because they're not really "lyrics" per se, but I would like to point out that the Wikipedia page for this song states that "the repeating of the word 'do' at the end of each verse, is an inspiration from Gordon Lightfoot's song 'If You Could Read My Mind'." [sic] Being naturally curious about bands' musical influences, and being a fan of Mr. Lightfoot myself, I cued up the song, in which he does no "do do do"-ing whatsoever, unless I'm listening to some sort of abbreviated version or something. Is this just completely wrong or am I missing something here?

In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you

creepy

Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd / And I'm hungry like the wolf

"Smell like I sound"? I don't get that line. It could be "smell like a sound," but that doesn't really make much sense either. How can a thing or a person smell like he/she/it sounds? I don't think it's possible for a sound to smell like anything. Um. And the following line, "I'm lost in a crowd," doesn't help much either.

Straddle the line in discord and rhyme / I'm on the hunt I'm after you

I think maybe Simon Le Bon is so hungry that he's become delirious.

Mouth is alive with juices like wine / And I'm hungry like the wolf

Simon Le Bon is drooling. Or, I don't know, maybe eating somebody?

Stalk through the forest, too close to hide / I'll be upon you by the moonlight side

"The moonlight side"? What does that mean? And when did we get into this forest? In the first line we were in a city. Unless we were in the forest the whole time and he just happened to mention that it was dark in the city, as a kind of non sequitur. Is anyone else getting hungry? I'm kind of hungry.

Hey, why didn't Duran Duran turn this song into a whole series? They could've done "Angry Like the Goat," "Sleepy Like the Bear (In Winter)," "Sticky Like the Anteater," "Endangered Like the Panda," "Amphibious Like the Frog" ... the possibilities are endless. Each one could also be adapted as a children's book and an erotic science fiction movie. Synergy!

High blood drumming on your skin it's so tight / You feel my heat I'm just a moment behind

If someone was following you, what would happen first? Would you "catch (his) breathing" or "feel (his) heat"? And would those two things happen like two verses apart?

And, "high blood drumming on your skin it's so tight"? Huh? I think maybe it's actually "High blood / drumming on your skin, it's so tight." In which case, whaaa??? Actually, maybe Mr. Le Bon should be congratulated here, because even though I have no concept of what this line means, I can definitively say that it is creepy. Kind of like if a child gave you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but instead of peanut butter and jelly, he used gravel and mucus. You don't really know exactly what he's trying to tell you, but it's quite clear that he is mentally ill and you should sleep with one eye open.

In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you / Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found / And I'm hungry like the wolf

OK, we get it.

Straddle the line it's discord and rhyme / I howl and I whine, I'm after you

The unofficial lyrics I found online said this lyric was "strut on a line." I think that makes less sense than "straddle the line," but it does sound more like he says "strut." So I listened hard to the song (he sings this line three times) and each time it sounded like something different. Then I thought, "Does it really matter which it is? This is like two detectives sitting around arguing about how many times the serial killer stabbed his latest victim, while the killer hops in his car and drives away." Then I realized it wasn't like that at all, but it got me thinking about detectives, so I watched 22 consecutive episodes of "Murder, She Wrote." Then I Googled "Angela Lansbury" and "1960s French erotic science fiction" and got no results.

This song is making me type nonsense.

Mouth is alive all running inside / And I'm hungry like the wolf

This song makes me want to eat a big juicy steak and have penetrative intercouse, not necessarily in that order. The intercourse should be the easy part, but where am I going to find a steak at this hour?

Aerosmith -- "Sweet Emotion"

2009-11-01T20:50:00.008-05:00

Because cheap laughs that make us feel bad about ourselves later is what we're all about here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics, please enjoy this picture!

Ha! This funny-looking celebrity would not fit in in the Real America with us hard-working Joes! All the solid gold toilets in the world won't change the fact that he looks similar to a monkey when he makes a certain facial expression!

Little-known fact, though, and here's where I blow your mind -- this monkey got a songwriting credit for "Sweet Emotion." He was later kicked out of the band because of "creative differences" with Steven Tyler, and because he demanded 100 freshly peeled bananas each day before he would write a single word. Many critics feel that while Aerosmith's later work was more polished and enjoyed great commercial success, it didn't quite have the same spark, much like the recordings of Pink Floyd post-Syd Barrett.

OK, enough monkeying around! Ha ha! (muffled sob)

Before we start with the lyrics, please enjoy this creepy video! I like the part when it appears that Steven Tyler and one of his band-mates (I refuse to learn their names) are on the verge of making out.

Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion

Yeah, emotion sure is sweet. It really doesn't matter what emotion you're feeling -- lust, despair, surprise, angst, contempt, optimism, rage, zest -- it's always pretty sweet. Yup.

You talk about things that nobody cares / You're wearing out things that nobody wears

First line is grammatically incorrect. You don't "care" something. We need a preposition here.

Second line makes little to no sense.

So, what emotion is Steven Tyler feeling here? Contempt? Disgust? Confusion?

You're calling my name but I gotta make clear / I can't say, baby, where I'll be in a year

OK, up to this point the song makes at least a modicum of sense. Steven Tyler knows a girl, and the girl likes him, but he's not especially into her and wants to let her know that he doesn't see this becoming a serious relationship. He is feeling some sort of emotion, probably apprehension, I guess, and for some reason this is sweet.

When some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent / Said my get up and go musta got up and went / Well I got good news, she's a real good liar / 'Cause the backstage boogie set your pants on fire

Oh, my. So much to discuss here. First of all, what does this have to do with anything? Secondly, why are you so concerned with this seemingly casual insult from a "sweat hog mama"? You seem kind of insecure. Third, I don't think it's fair to call this woman a liar. She was just probably mistaken about your loss of sexual prowess. Fourth, if the pronoun "you" still has the same unnamed antecedent as it did in Verse 1, why are you responding to this criticism by citing your seduction of a woman that you hold in such seemingly low esteem? And fifth, oh my god, really? "The backstage boogie set your pants on fire"?

Phew. I'm calling a timeout. While you wait, maybe you'd enjoy seeing a disgusting picture of Steven Tyler with his ass hanging out? I know I was thrilled to find it! And hey! Maybe you'd like to buy an Aerosmith lottery ticket? If that article doesn't entice you, maybe this commercial in which a goldfish somehow drives a car will do the trick!

OK now. Deep breaths. Keep it together, man. Just two verses to go.

Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion

What do the words "sweet emotion" have to do with the content of this song? I really want to know. Maybe it's just a filler phrase that Steven Tyler made up, sort of along the lines of "Oh well!" or "What're you gonna do?"

So one could say something like "Hey, there's this girl who is really into me, and we did it a couple times, but I need to tell her that it's not really going to work out. I'm really in a pickle here. Sweet emotion!"

I pulled into town in a police car / Your daddy said I took it just a little too far

This whole third verse is just drunken rambling. I will give anyone who can offer a reasonable explanation of these lyrics an autographed copy of the 1975 Aerosmith album "Toys in the Attic." Or an autographed printout of that disgusting picture of Steven Tyler I linked to above. Whichever you prefer. (These would be autographed by me, not by any members of Aerosmith.)

You're telling her things but your girlfriend lied / You can't catch me 'cause the rabbit done died / Yes it did

See?

You stand in the front just a shakin' your ass / I'll take you backstage, you can drink from my glass

Eww. Gross. Haven't you heard of H1N1, Steven Tyler?

Actually, this album was released just one year before the swine-flu outbreak of 1976. Coincidence? Or perhaps this occurred because everyone was going around drinking from each other's glasses willy-nilly, throwing caution to the wind, after this song came out? I think I might've stumbled onto something important. Is anyone here an epidemiologist? Is anyone even here? Hello?

Hey, what part of the "backstage boogie" do you think that "drink(ing) from (Steven Tyler's) glass" represents? I don't think I want to know.

I'll talk about something you can sure understand / 'Cause a month on the road and I'll be eatin' from your hand

Irritation. Exasperation. Fear. Horror. Torment. Disgust. Rage. Shame. Agitation. Grumpiness. Melancholy. Dejection. Alienation.

Emotions.

Sweet.

Bon Jovi -- "I'll Be There For You"

2009-10-19T21:41:00.005-04:00

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.

Here's today's song, and it's a doozy!

But first, Wikipedia told me the original name for the band Bon Jovi. Do you want to hear it? OK.
It's "Johny [sic] Electric."

!!!

I guess this time you're really leaving / I heard your suitcase say goodbye

I'm imagining an anthropomorphic suitcase here, kind of like something from Pee Wee's Playhouse, saying "Goodbye, Jon," in a really mopey voice.

Well, as my broken heart lies bleeding / You say true love it's suicide

This is another one of those songs where the singer is just so broken up about his wife/girlfriend/rhino handler leaving and just can't go on without her, oh my god! And you sort of feel sorry for him until you read the rest of the lyrics where he fucking admits how badly he treated her, and how he really deserves everything that happens to him. Then you go out to the garage and huff some paint, because hey, you like huffing paint, and you're not going to let society tell you how to live your life.

You say you've cried a thousand rivers / And now you're swimming for the shore / You left me drowning in my tears / And you won't save me anymore

That is a goddamn assload of tears being shed in this little stanza. Why are we trying to save this relationship again? Seriously. Just break up. JUST BREAK UP! And stop writing these awful lyrics. They're really awful. I'm telling you this for your own good. Let this poor girl get on with her life and go take a creative-writing class or something. (But, don't stop pumping out the sweet jams. I know it's a fine line to walk. We can all help you through it.)

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

And if that doesn't work, I'll pray to Allah or Buddha or LeBron James or whoever it is people pray to these days.

I'll be there for you / These five words I swear to you

Ha, I kind of like this line. Except for the fact that everything else in the song indicates that he has never been there for her at any time. Run! Run far away!

When you breathe I want to be the air for you / I'll be there for you / I'd live and I'd die for you / I'd steal the sun from the sky for you / Words can't say what love can do / I'll be there for you

Yes! Exactly, Jon Bon Jovi. You've really hit the nail on the head. "Words can't say what love can do." And the fact is, you are trying to save this relationship with words when you have failed to show this poor woman love.

Although, if you are in fact able to "steal the sun from the sky" for her, that would be pretty impressive ... for about seven minutes before all of humankind died in agony.

I know you know we've had some good times / Now they have their own hiding place

But do you know that I know that you know ... oh, forget it.

Also, why are you hiding all the good times? That's not really helping your cause.

I can promise you tomorrow / But I can't buy back yesterday

Unless ... (attempts to buy time machine) ... nope, I was right.

And baby you know my hands are dirty / But I wanted to be your Valentine

Are these two lines supposed to be somehow related? His hands are dirty, BUT he wanted to be your Valentine? I'm expecting the next line to be something like "Ooh girl, I made a turkey sandwich / But you joined a marching band." Actually, imagine singing that like Bon Jovi. It's kind of funny. Or maybe it's just funny to imagine him making a turkey sandwich.

I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby / When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

Uhhh, yeah. A couple things wrong here. First of all, you already established water as a drowning metaphor earlier in the song. Now you're using it as a life-giving metaphor. Are you trying to sell me a bill of goods here, Jon Bon Jovi? Trying to have your turkey sandwich and eat it too, so to speak?

Also, giving her wine when she's already drunk? Creepiness tag.

(Chorus)

Now these final lines might be my favorites.

I wasn't there when you were happy / And I wasn't there when you were down

Beautiful. Awesome. You weren't there when she was happy or when she was down. Meaning you were never there for her at all. Or perhaps only there when she was clipping her toenails, or was watching a boring movie, or was sleeping or something. Then as soon as a hint of emotion flickers across her face, boom! Out the door.

Didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby / I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

Awe. Some. Ly. Bad. Lyrics. (These five words I swear to you.)

A Flock of Seagulls -- I Ran (So Far Away)

2009-10-16T19:33:00.004-04:00

So I guess we'll stick with the bird theme for one more post.

Fun fact! Wikipedia tells us that in 2004, A Flock of Seagulls was part of the "Nike Run Hit Wonder," a series of 5,000- and 10,000-meter road races, featuring popular bands that are frequently classified as one-hit wonders (including Devo, General Public, and Tommy Tutone) who performed along the race course. This sounds like the kind of thing that would make me want to run a road race, something I would normally avoid at all costs.

Also, Wikipedia says lead singer Mike Score told VH1 that he "resents" the success of this song. I suppose he also resents the giant mansion and solid gold toilet and rare species of antelope that he was able to buy with all of his ill-gotten money? With a name like Mike Score, you could've easily supported yourself with a reputable career such as pornography or ... pornography.

Also, isn't this video creepy?

Lyrics!

I walk along the avenue / I never thought I'd meet a girl like you / Meet a girl like you

Sure, maybe on a boulevard or a cul-de-sac or even a thoroughfare I would've expected to meet a girl like you, but an avenue? Jesus Christ! Fuck!

With auburn hair and tawny eyes / The kind of eyes that hypnotize me through / Hypnotize me through

"Tawny" means "of a dark yellowish or dull yellowish-brown color," according to dictionary.com. So yeah, I would not expect to ever meet a girl with yellow eyes, on any sort of roadway. Is it time to consult our old friend WebMD? A female aged 25-34 with yellow eyes may be suffering from hepatitis A, B, or C, cirrhosis of the liver, syphilis, mononucleosis, or tuberculosis, among other things.

And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away

Presumably to avoid contracting one of these diseases.

Seriously, though, why is he running away? I really want to know. Maybe listening to some more verses will clear up this mystery!

A cloud appears above your head / A beam of light comes shining down on you / Shining down on you

That sounds like an image of heaven, although usually when we think of heaven, we think of clouds parting and then light coming down, not a cloud moving in. The cloud would tend to block the light, right?

The cloud is moving nearer still / Aurora borealis comes in view / Aurora comes in view

A cloud would also tend to obscure the aurora borealis (Northern Lights).

And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away

Still not sure why you make with the running, Mike Score. A beam of light? The aurora borealis? Those are pretty nice things. Things that would make me want to stick around.

Reached out a hand to touch your face / You're slowly disappearing from my view / 'pearing from my view

OK, I was sort of with you on the whole repeating-the-last-part-of-the-previous-lyric thing, but "'pearing from my view"? That's just sloppy songwriting!

And furthermore, aaaaaaagh. I thought you were trying to run away. Now you're reaching out your hand to try to touch this person? You're all over the map on this, Mike Score.

Reached out a hand to try again / I'm floating in a beam of light with you / Beam of light with you

According to allmusic.com, Mike Score was a hairdresser when he joined this band. Not really sure what we're supposed to do with that information.

Allmusic also says that A Flock of Seagulls' lyrics are "forgettable."

And I ran / I ran so far away / I just ran / I ran all night and day / I couldn't get away

It's time to play Two Truths and a Lie!

1. This song was the inspiration for the movie "Forrest Gump."
2. These lyrics are really flipping great.
3. I'm having a really easy time wrapping up this blog post, and I think that it's probably my best ever!

OK, that was three lies.

The Eagles -- "Take It Easy"

2009-10-10T14:00:00.007-04:00

Man, come on, I had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles.

Actually, it seems to me like the Eagles are the kind of band that when they come on the radio, you'll be like, "Oh yeah, this is a good song," and you probably won't change the station. However, you'll never be like "Oh wow, I'd really love to hear an Eagles jam right now!" or "Hey guys, I erected a small shrine to the Eagles in my basement that includes DNA samples from each band member so that once we have the technology, we can clone them all and force the clones to play live shows for us every night!" Not that I've done that for any bands or anything.

So, yeah, I think the Eagles are pretty cool and can be enjoyed by children of all ages, but they've never done anything that really blows me away. So why am I blogging about them? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, I'm runnin’ down the road tryin' to loosen my load

Uh, OK, not off to a good start here. I get it, you* have worries and troubles and stuff. But I need some clarification on what, specifically, you are doing. "Runnin' down the road" -- are you jogging? That seems like an OK way to take your mind off your problems. But I don't think you're jogging. Are you running away from something or someone? Neither of those things seem like good ways to "take it easy." I think maybe you're actually driving a car, based on subsequent lyrics.

Also, how does one "loosen" one's load, exactly? Did you mean "lighten my load"? I would think loosening your load, especially if you're driving, would be a bad idea.

Or, maybe you're just constipated.

* You = Jackson Browne and Glenn Frey, who co-wrote this song, I guess.

I've got seven women on my mind / Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says she's a friend of mine

It's a love octagon! Seriously, if you really want to take it easy, friend, you might want to simplify your love life a little. Also, two different women want to "stone" you? I'm guessing you mean throw rocks at you, not smoke marijuana, because smoking marijuana might be the quintessential way to take it easy.

Did you know there's a board game called "Take It Easy"? It's true!

That box makes the game look sort of complicated, though, not easy.

Take it easy, take it easy / Don't let the sound of your own wheels / Drive you crazy

Yeah, I mean, if the sound of your *wheels* is driving you crazy, I think you definitely need to take it easy. Like, maybe by checking into a mental institution. Unless you have like a bad axle or something and it's making some sort of clunking sound, in which case it's probably justified. What was I talking about?

Lighten up while you still can / Don't even try to understand / Just find a place to make your stand / And take it easy

"Lighten up" here could easily be "loosen up." Why don't we just agree to swap the words "loosen" and "lighten" in this song? I think it would make the world a better place. If Obama can win the Nobel Peace Prize for shaking hands with some Egyptian dude or whatever, I can probably make a good case based on this, right? Oooohhhh, did I just get political?! Oh, snap!

Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona

I have to say, you know a band has made it when a throwaway line in one of its songs inspires a full-blown tourist attraction. Although I'm not really sure how exciting this could actually be. It's like going to see the Abbey Road street crossing -- you go there and say, "Yup, there it is," and then maybe take a couple pictures and leave, because really in the end, it's just a crosswalk. I would imagine the corner in Winslow would be even less interesting, because the Beatles were actually at the street crossing at one point, and the Beatles are a much more interesting band than the Eagles.

Take that, Arizona Office of Tourism!
This message sponsored by the New Mexico Tourism Department.

Such a fine sight to see / It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me / Come on, baby, don't say maybe / I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me / We may lose and we may win but we will never be here again / So open up, I'm climbin' in, take it easy

Yeah, let's add another woman to the mix. That ought to make your life easier.

Also, "come on, baby, don't say maybe" is a terrible lyric.

Also, does "open up, I'm climbin' in" warrant the "creepiness" tag? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind / Been lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find

You're actually a spy? Again, I hate to be a Critical Carl here, but that doesn't seem like a profession conducive to taking it easy.

OK, so the rest of the song is mostly just a lot of "ooh, ooh, ooh"-ing and stuff.

Hey, how many other bands can you think of that are named after birds? There's the Jayhawks, the Dodos (sub-category: extinct birds), Department of Eagles, Doves, and, of course, the Byrds. It seems like there should be a lot more, but I'm not coming up with any off the top of my head ...

Starship -- "We Built This City"

2009-10-06T19:42:00.007-04:00

I think Bernie Taupin might be the Rosetta Stone of awesomely bad lyrics. Not only did his collaborations with Elton John produce some of the loopiest lyrics of all time, but he's credited as one of four writers that contributed a little bit of pixie dust to this train wreck of a song.

Also, I encourage you to watch the video (linked above) if you enjoy unnecessary reaction shots, impassioned pleas to statues of Abraham Lincoln (presumably to suspend habeas corpus or something in order to allow Starship to keep on rockin'), statues of Abraham Lincoln that spontaneously come to life in order to rock out, floating emotionless disembodied heads, oversized killer dice that terrorize entire populations, and of course, big hair!

Let's get it on!

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll / Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

I like songs that get right to the point. Here. Listen. See this city? We built it. On what? Funny you should ask. Not on bricks or mortar or asphalt or dinosaur bones, but on good old fashioned rock and roll!!! It's a metaphor, you see, because obviously you couldn't ... I mean it would be ridiculous to suggest that ... heh heh. Ahhhh.

OK, now that that pesky chorus is out of the way, let's bust out the first verse.

Say you don’t know me or recognize my face / Say you don’t care who goes to that kind of place / Knee deep in the hoopla, sinking in your fight / Too many runaways eating up the night

Clearly this song wants to rebel against something, but I'm not sure what. I'm not sure the four writers of these lyrics really agree on what, either.

Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio, don’t you remember / We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

I was going to make an obscure joke about Guglielmo Marconi here, but after a little research it appears this lyric actually refers to Guglielmo Marconi. My goodness. Marconi's Wikipedia entry reveals that not only was he a Nobel Prize winner and a pioneer in wireless communication, but was, later in life, "an active Italian fascist and an apologist for their ideology and actions such as the attack by Italian forces in Ethiopia." Umm, maybe not the guy to whom you want to hitch your fake-counter-culture wagon here, Starship.

Wikipedia is silent on whether G. Marconi ever actually played the "mamba," which is a kind of snake. Did you mean "mambo"? Maybe "samba"?

Or, maybe we should take this literally and believe that an early 20th-century Italian inventor is attempting to play a deadly reptile like a musical instrument. Makes about as much sense as any other interpretation.

Hold on a second ... Marconi!!!! LOOK OUT!!!!

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll / Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

Phew. That was a close one.

Someone always playing corporation games / Who cares, they’re always changing corporation names

Yeah! Take that, CORPORATIONS!!! How dare you establish yourself as a legal entity for the purpose of doing any kind of business! You suck!!!! Except, of course, for RCA Records, the good people that marketed and distributed this song.

We just want to dance here, someone stole the stage / They call us irresponsible, write us off the page

What are you angry about? Seriously. I'm getting sleepy.

It’s just another Sunday, in a tired old street / Police have got the choke hold, oh then we just lost the beat

What? How do these lyrics make any sense together? The first line makes me think everything is boring and people have stopped rocking because of complacency or something, but then you tell me the police have "got the choke hold," which then caused you to "lose the beat."

I think the songwriting process for this tune was like an exquisite corpse-type scenario in which Bernie Taupin and his collaborators would each just contribute one line, then pass it off to the next person, and so on until this #1 hit was complete!

Who counts the money underneath the bar?

Probably the bartender.

Who rides the wrecking ball in two rock guitars?

Ummm .... I don't know. Ronald Reagan? Anthony Michael Hall? Is this a trick question?

Don’t tell us you need us, cause we’re the ship of fools / Looking for America, coming through your schools

The exquisite corpse will drink the young wine.

Bryan Adams -- "Heaven"

2009-09-25T10:08:00.003-04:00

Firstly, Bryan Adams has a Web site that is in my opinion quite well designed and well maintained. On this Web site are some photographs Bryan Adams has taken of famous people. They are actually very good. Check them out. I like the Morrissey ones.

Also! Bryan Adams wrote some bad lyrics once. Here they are.

Oh - thinking about all our younger years / There was only you and me / We were young and wild and free

You know, when I listen to the opening guitar riffs of this song, I always expect Steve Perry to bust in and sing "Highway run / Into the midnight sun." It never happens, but still.

So, I was more than a little tickled to find this aside on the Wikipedia page for this song: "While writing 'Heaven', Adams and [Jim] Vallance were influenced by Journey's music and lyrical style, particular their song 'Faithfully.'" This proves, unequivocally, once and for all, that I am a genius.

Also, this video is almost like David Lynch-ian, with Bryan Adams alone in a theater with about a thousand TVs. I think it's some kind of commentary on the unique solitude of a rock star, and how it's possible for one to be surrounded by people and yet still completely alone. Of course, this is completely unrelated to the content of the song, which is about a guy who really really likes a girl and everything is totally awesome and nothing can ever tear them apart (not anymore, at least, everything is totally cool now and all that bad stuff is totally in the past) and they will be together forever until the end of time.

Now nothing can take you away from me / We’ve been down that road before / But that’s over now / You keep me coming back for more

You know, Bryan Adams seems like kind of a cool guy. He's Canadian, speaks Portuguese, has a charitable foundation that probably does some pretty good work, took those cool photographs on his Web site ... and yet, and yet, he writes some of the cheesiest songs ever. Why is this? Does the fault lie with his songwriting partner, Jim Vallance? Does Bryan Adams write like some seriously introspective and literate and lyrical shit and then Vallance tears it up and says, "Fuck this, Adams! Give the people what they want! The people want insipid tripe that's been written, recorded, released, chewed up, swallowed and regurgitated by musicians ten million times since the dawn of time when Neanderthal man got his first real six-string at the five and dime!" Then Adams always gives in because Jim Vallance is fourteen feet tall, weighs 525 pounds, and eats the bones of failed songwriters for breakfast.

Anyhow, that's my working theory on how we ended up with these lyrics here.

Baby you’re all that I want / When you’re lying here in my arms / I’m finding it hard to believe / We’re in heaven

I think you are right to be skeptical, Bryan Adams. It sounds like you two have had some tough times in the past, and although things may seem real nice right now, relaxing in bed after you have presumably just had sexual intercourse, this may just be an illusion of happiness.

And love is all that I need / And I found it there in your heart / It isn’t too hard to see / We're in heaven

Or, OK, you're actually in heaven. That's another theory.

"Love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart?" Come on now, Vallance. Let's be reasonable here. Why don't you let Bryan Adams out of his cage in your basement, where you only let him out to perform the occasional benefit concert in sub-Saharan Africa or snap a few photos of Lindsay Lohan, and give him a crack at some of this songwriting? .... I don't think he can hear me. He's plucking full-grown eagles out of the sky right now and manipulating their vocal cords to make them sing "Cuts Like a Knife."

Oh - once in your life you find someone / Who will turn your world around / Bring you up when you’re feeling down

Oh, buh-rother.

Yeah - nothing could change what you mean to me / Oh there’s lots that I could say / But just hold me now / ‘Cause our love will light the way

I changed my mind. Jim Vallance is actually in fifth grade and Bryan Adams is afraid to tell him that his lyrics are bad because he will start crying.

I've been waiting for so long / For something to arrive / For love to come along / Now our dreams are coming true / Through the good times and the bad / Yeah – I’ll be standing there by you

I changed my mind again. I think this song was a little experiment to see how many power-ballad cliches could be crammed into one radio-length song. Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records.

Warren G & Nate Dogg -- "Regulate"

2009-09-18T16:22:00.005-04:00

This is kind of a long one so let's get right into it. Note: I'm going to italicize Warren G's parts and put Nate Dogg's parts in bold.

(spoken) Regulators / We regulate any stealing of this property / We’re damn good too / But you cant be any geek off the street / Gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!

Regulators!!! Mount up!

I like to think that this monologue, in its entirety, is what Nuclear Regulatory Commission Chairman Gregory B. Jackzo says to his employees at 9 a.m. each weekday.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

OK, sorry if this is nit-picking, but how can the moon be "clear"? The sky can be clear, thereby revealing the moon (as is pointed out in the first half of this lyric), but the moon itself cannot be clear. Sorry again, Warren Griffin III.

Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume / Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some ?????

Ummm, I always thought this line was "trying to consume some starch for the eve so I can get some funk." This wouldn't be the best lyric of all time or anything, but it makes more sense than the real lyrics, which I am having trouble even deciphering. "Skirts" is definitely right, although "consuming some skirts" doesn't really make sense. The last word seems to be "phones," which really makes no sense at all ... the lyrics I found online say "funk," but he clearly does not say funk.

So, my best guess is that he is trying to consume some skirts for the eve so he can get some phones. Good luck with that, Warren! (I mean, I guess he could be saying he wants to get the phone numbers of some girls, but as will be revealed later, he and his homey Nate definitely are looking for a little more than phone numbers ...)

Just rollin' in my ride, chillin' all alone

Sounds relaxing.

Just hit the east side of the LBC / On a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G

There is much disagreement on urbandictionary.com about the meaning of LBC. Does it refer to Long Beach Compton? Long Beach, California? Long Beach Crips? I think the last one is definitely out as Nate is clearly referring to some sort of geographical area.

Also, this song was released in 1994, so I guess cell phones hadn't been popularized yet?

Seen a car full of girls ain’t no need to tweak / All you skirts know what’s up with 213

I'm fairly sure "213" refers to an area code ... although it's also the name of a musical group that included Nate, Warren, and Snoop Dogg, so I guess that's what he's talking about. Also, I don't really know what he means by "tweak." There's no need to take crystal meth tonight?

So I hooks a left on 2-1 and Lewis / Some brothas shootin' dice so I said let's do this / I jumped out the ride, and said what's up? / Some brothas pulled some gats so I said I'm stuck

Meanwhile, our hero Warren G has -- kind of foolishly, it seems -- gotten himself into quite a situation. How will he get out of this one? Did someone say "deus ex machina"?

Since these girls peepin' me i'm a' glide and swerve / These hookers lookin' so hard they straight hit the curb / On to bigger, better things than some horny tricks / I see my homey and some suckers all in his mix

Nate Dogg is so damn good-looking that a car full of girls, overcome with desire, lose control of their vehicle and crash into a large pile of garbage (see the video).

Also, does getting into a gang fight (or whatever it is) really qualify as a "bigger, better thing" than having some good old-fashioned sex with a bunch of hookers? I think it's debatable.

I'm gettin' jacked, I'm breakin' myself / I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth / They took my rings, they took my Rolex / I looked at the brothas, said damn, whats next?

I have to say, Warren G doesn't really come off very well in this song. So far he's blundered into a large group of unsavory men without any available assistance, of which he could only shrug his shoulders and say "I'm stuck." He then allows the men to steal his valuables, offering only impotent pleas in response. I can only assume that "breakin' myself" means that he has soiled himself in fear.

They got my homey hemmed up and they all around / Ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound / They wanna come up real quick before they start to clown / I best pull out my strap and lay them busters down

Nate Dogg to the rescue! I'm not really sure what the middle two lines here mean, but I'm sure they don't involve Warren G doing anything interesting.

They got guns to my head / I think I’m going down / I can't believe this happenin' in my own town

DO SOMETHING!!!

If I had wings I would fly / Let me contemplate

Delivering a Shakespearean pre-death soliloquy was not exactly what I had in mind, Warren.

I glance in the cut and I see my homey Nate

Nate "Machine of God" Dogg.

Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole / Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold / Now they droppin' and yellin' / It's a tad bit late / Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

Not sure I noticed Warren doing much regulating there, but whatevs.

I laid all them busters down / I let my gat explode / Now I'm switching my mind back into freak mode

If I could have any superpower, it would the ability to switch my mind into "freak mode" at a moment's notice.

If you want skirts sit back and observe / I just left a gang of ho's over there on the curb

The girls who "straight hit the curb" earlier are now just milling around, apparently unfazed by the massive firefight that has just taken place, patiently waiting for Nate to finish his killing spree so he can ravish them. Oh, and he can bring his friend Warren too, if he wants. I guess.

Now nate got the freaks / And thats a known fact / Before I got jacked I was on the same track

Yeah, sure you were, Warren. Were you going to call your girlfriend that you met at summer camp, who lives in Canada so we wouldn't know her?

Back up, back up 'cause its on / N-a-t-e and me / The warren to the g

I bet in high school Warren G sat in class and doodled "N-A-T-E AND ME" inside a big heart in his biology notebook.

Just like I thought / They were in the same spot / In need of some desperate help / The Nate Dogg and the G-child / Were in need of something else

Ohhhhh yeah. Bow-chik-a-bow-bow ... (that was supposed to be the porn riff that people sing to indicate that someone is about to get it on, written out phonetically)

One of them dames was sexy as hell / I said ooo I like your size / She said my car's broke down and you sing real nice, would ya let me ride? / I got a car full of girls and its going real swell / The next stop is the Eastside Motel

So, the final tally of things that each main character did during the course of this song:

Nate Dogg: Drove around. Caused girls to lose control of their motor vehicle by dint of his raw sexuality. Found his friend Warren. Killed several men. Seduced a group of women into getting into his car and driving to a motel to have sex.

Warren G: Drove around. Got mugged because of his own stupidity. Cowered in fear. Crapped his pants. Stood around and watched Nate Dogg save his ass. Stood around some more while Nate Dogg picked up women, and then probably went home to watch Fresh Prince reruns or something.

Anyway, this song goes on for a little while longer, but this is basically the end.

Outstanding questions from the video: Is there really an Eastside Motel, or was it just invented for this song? Why do Nate and Warren appear to be singing in an underground crypt? Why are there random shots of people playing basketball interspersed in the narrative? Is that a cameo from Tupac just after the 3-minute mark? And, why the fuck is Warren G such a pussy?

Mr. Big -- "To Be With You"

2009-09-11T23:13:00.007-04:00

Apparently Mr. Big is huge in Japan. That's all I have to say by way of prologue, because I couldn't find any other interesting tidbits online.

Also, the Internet appears to have been scrubbed clean of the video for this song, so here's a live performance. Again, not much of interest here, except for one of the guitarists, who appears to wearing nothing but a pair of red skin-tight pants with the word "EVERYBODY" written on it multiple times. I'm not tech-savvy enough to post a screenshot but if you pause the video at the 0:29 mark you can get a good look. If anyone knows where this garment can be obtained, I would very much like to know about it.

Woot!

Hold on little girl / Show me what he's done to you / Stand up little girl / A broken heart can't be that bad

Dear boringly named lead singer Eric Martin,

This is a fairly patronizing tone to take when addressing a woman who seems to have little to no interest in you romantically. I suggest you refrain from calling her a "little girl" and instead emphasize her womanhood. Additionally, the advice that "a broken heart can't be that bad" is probably not what she wants to hear right now. Instead of trivializing her problems, I would recommend trying to empathize with her and show that you understand. Finally, try wearing no shirt and a pair of red skin-tight pants emblazoned with the word "EVERYBODY." I'm told the ladies really like this look. Especially Japanese ladies.

Best,
Miss Manners

When it's through, it's through / Fate will twist the both of you / So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to show you

What are you going to show her? Hmm? Is it ... YOUR PENIS??

I'm the one who wants to be with you / Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too

Hmm, what *exactly* is she going to feel deep inside of her? Hmmmmmm???? Could it be ... YOUR PENIS????

Note: The last two comments by me are much funnier if you read them in the Church Lady voice. Note #2: Not sure exactly why I chose to go in this direction here, but I'm gonna stick with it.

Waited on a line of greens and blues / Just to be the next to be with you

What precisely is green and blue? Could it be ... uh, OK, that doesn't work.

In fact, I have no clue what this lyric is supposed to be about. "A line of greens and blues"? Also, the idea of a man "waiting on a line" to be the next to be with a woman reminds me of this lovely woman who apparently slept with 620 men in one day, only to be thwarted by an even classier lady who went all the way to 919. (Is that really possible? The source of this information is the German newspaper "Die Welt," which was founded by Theodore Herzl and appears to be at least somewhat reputable. If you will it, it is no dream, I suppose.)

Build up your confidence / so you can be on top for once

Are we talking about sexual positions here? I think we are. This song is dirty, dirty, dirty!

Wake up, who cares about / Little boys that talk too much

Hmm, maybe the person to whom this song is addressed is, in fact, a little girl. "Creepiness" and "criminal activity" tags? I think so.

I've seen it all go down

"Go down." My mind is officially in the gutter.

Your game of love was all rained out

This might be in the top 10 worst lyrics out of all the songs I've posted. And it's not even a double entendre! Or ... wait a minute ... ewwwwwww.

So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to hold you

Break it down!

Why be alone when we can be together baby / You can make my life worthwhile / I can make you start to smile

Yes, that's right ... he can make you start to smile .... with ...

wait for it ...

HIS PENIS!!!!

Congratulations, people! We did it! Most vulgar post yet, narrowly edging out this one. Good night, Tokyo!

The Killers -- "All These Things That I've Done"

2009-09-05T22:13:00.004-04:00

While we're on the topic of marring perfectly good songs with one goofy verse or lyric, I've been wanting to mention this song for a while. Specifically, the part where lead singer Brandon Flowers breaks it down in the middle of the song and sings this line over and over:

I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier

Sounds foolish, doesn't really fit in with the rest of lyrics (as far as I can tell, at least ... if there is some deeper meaning here, someone please enlighten me), is just not necessary at all because it makes the song a little too long and it would be just perfect without this part, in my opinion.

On the bright side, though, this lyric did lead to this inspired scene (starring Justin Timberlake as like, a mentally ill fighter pilot or something, I forget exactly) from the little-known movie "Southland Tales" by the director of "Donnie Darko." Just like in the Killers song, the scene in the movie basically comes out of nowhere and has nothing to do with anything in the plot. (There's barely a plot to speak of in the film anyway, though, so I guess it doesn't really matter.)

I'm kind of obsessed with "Southland Tales" -- it's really a terrible movie by most any standard, and the cast includes ... get ready for this ... the aforementioned Mr. Timberlake, Sarah Michelle Gellar, John Larroquette, Jon Lovitz, Janeane Garofalo, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Mandy Moore, Amy Poehler, Seann William Scott (Stifler from the "American Pie" movies, surprisingly good here), and Nora Dunn. Yeah. Now THAT is an ensemble cast.

Anyhow, if you liked "Donnie Darko," I would recommend watching "Southland Tales," because although it is on the whole a huge annoying mess, I find it strangely compelling and there are a few scenes (including the one linked to above) that are pretty brilliant.

Also, I have a feeling this won't be the first time we see the "Justin Timberlake" tag. I love Justin Timberlake, but I have a sneaking suspicion that some of his lyrics might be kind of bad.

Styx -- "Come Sail Away"

2009-09-04T17:44:00.007-04:00

Thanks to readers Emma and Peter for the recommendation.

No real comment on this video, expect to say that I REALLY want to buy the basketball jersey or whatever it is that the drummer is wearing.

Also, TONIGHT Styx is performing LIVE with REO Speedwagon and .38 Special! This is not a joke. If you are in or around Bismarck, N.D., as I'm sure many of you are, I recommend that you drop everything and head for the Bismarck Civic Center Arena for a show that is, quite accurately in my opinion, billed as "Can't Stop Rockin'."

But why stop there? Head on out to St. Paul, Minn., tomorrow for the Minnesota State Fair to see the very same lineup, or to Elkhorn, Wisc., on Sunday for the Walworth County Fair (?!), which is apparently a solo gig for Styx. In the 7:30 time slot at the county fair, Styx will be in direct competition, playing the grandstand, with the Bosworth Family Lumberjack Show over in something called "Kiddieland." VERY tough call ... as you are most likely well aware, the Bosworth family can really jack that lumber.

Okay.

I’m sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea / I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me

Sounds like a bold move. The question is, will you be able to carry on, Dennis DeYoung?

On board, I’m the captain, so climb aboard

I'm going to be honest, the lyrics to this song are not terrible. The real awesomelybadness lies in the last verse. However, this line is pretty bad. If he just sang "I'm the captain, so climb aboard," it would be totally fine, but to add the extra "on board" at the beginning? Why? The worst part is it's not even a matter of needing the right number of syllables ... it's almost as if the "on board" part is shoehorned in, like it's a vital piece of information that just must be imparted to the listener. In fact, it is entirely superfluous.

OK, let's just carry on here.

We'll search for tomorrow on (and?) every shore

I swear it sounds like DeYoung says "ond" both in the studio version and in the live performance linked above. He seems to be singing "on" and then adds a "d" sound. Both "on" and "and" would make sense here, so I'm stumped.

And I’ll try, oh lord, I’ll try to carry on

Whee! I love the way he sings "carry on." If I was writing out the lyrics phonetically I'd probably use about 23 A's in the word "carry."

Also, I guess Dennis DeYoung is supposed to be trying to escape something in this song, but damned if I know what it is. I guess it doesn't really matter.

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory / Some happy, some sad / I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had / We live happily forever, so the story goes / But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold / But we’ll try best that we can to carry on

Not much to say here, except that this song was quite obviously ghostwritten by a leprechaun who yearns to be a pirate.

A gathering of angels appeared above my head / They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said / They said come sail away, come sail away / Come sail away with me

This is a fitting conclusion to what is actually quite a nice little parable. A man burdened by some unnamed pressures of society has decided to "sail away" to start a new life. He takes on a traveling companion who is willing to take a risk and join him on this journey. As he leaves, he inevitably feels a bit wistful/nostalgic/apprehensive about leaving everything behind, but knows in his heart that he is making the right decision, and that the potential rewards of his departure outweigh the risks. Then a vision of angels confirms that he is, in fact, going down the correct path.

Well done, Dennis DeYoung. I applaud you for writing a fairly coherent little song here and now I'm just going to enjoy this nice little guitar/synth/keyboard/whatever solo that's going on here and ... wait a minute ... sounds like another verse might be coming? Now I'm nervous.

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise / They climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies

Noooooo!!!!!!! Aliens??? ALIENS?!?!!! He gets abducted by aliens?!>!>!^&@!%#$^&!%#E#$##&**()_ ? > ????? COME ON!!!! We had such a good thing going there. I didn't know this song was actually written by M. Night freaking Shyamalan. Argh. I don't know what to say. Oh well, at least we can break out the "space travel" tag, which I've been using with surprising frequency.

Singing come sail away, come sail away / Come sail away with me

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Poison -- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

2009-08-26T22:30:00.010-04:00

Thanks to faithful readers Steveo and Amy for this recommendation. Here's a link to the video -- it's rather benign save for a few gratuitous girl-lying-in-bed-in-her-underwear shots and a too-scantily-clad Bret Michaels.

Fun fact! Poison's Web site is www.poisonweb.com, which in addition to sounding like a fan site for black widow spiders, answers the age-old question of what one gets at a Poison concert. The answer? "Passion! Fun! Fury! Intensity! All in all, you get what you get at a Poison concert!" That last sentence earns this post the coveted "logical fallacies" tag. And, I don't know why anyone would ever ask what they do not get at a Poison concert, but the band unhelpfully explains that "(y)ou get no predictability and Poison likes it that way!" I can make one prediction: You will get some awesomely bad lyrics if the band plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," although there is, of course, no way to predict if they will (hint: they will).

We both lie silently still / In the dead of the night / Although we both lie close together / We feel miles apart inside

I like the ominous ticking clock and rolling thunder that lead into this opening verse. Very dramatic.

Was it something I said or something I did / Did my words not come out right? / Though I tried not to hurt you / Though I tried

I'm sure you tried really hard, Bret. Your track record with relationships is pretty stellar, after all. *cough*rock of love*cough* Who said that?

But I guess that’s why they say / Every rose has its thorn / Just like every night has its dawn / Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song / Every rose has its thorn

So let me get this analogy straight. Rose:night::thorn:dawn? Sooo ... the rose is supposed to be the good thing and the thorn the bad thing. I feel fairly confident in that. So, by that logic, the night is good and the dawn is ... bad? So you're telling me I spent all that time on your stupid black widow spider Web site trying to find a logical fallacy when it was right here in the lyrics all along?!?! Arrrgh.

Also, does every cowboy sing a sad, sad song? Really? Every single cowboy? What about this guy?He wrote "Here Comes Santa Claus" AND "Frosty the Snowman" AND "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," for Jeff's sake. If those are sad, sad songs, then you are clearly not Bret Michaels, but in fact the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. He is also quite clearly a cowboy ... apparently, "Public Cowboy #1," even.

Yeah it does

It does?!

I listen to our favorite song / Playing on the radio / Hear the DJ say love’s a game of easy come and easy go / But I wonder does he know / Has he ever felt like this

Yeah, he probably has. Unless he is like 8 years old or something. Hey, Bret Michaels, I have an idea. You should talk to my good pal Lou Gramm. He told me that in his life, he has had heartache and pain. Or maybe my BFF Steve Perry. He's kinda caught between confusion and pain right now. They can sympathize with you. And when you're ready to move on, give my longtime fuck-buddy Richard Page a call. He can help you get on with your life. See? Isn't this easy? Maybe one day you will even go on to host a TV show in which 20 skanky women debase themselves for your unique affections. (Disclaimer: I have not actually ever seen "Rock of Love," so this may not be an accurate representation.)

And I know that you’d be here right now / If I could have let you know somehow

If there was only some way for men to let women know how they feel, other than writing cheesy, overwrought power ballads. It's like that Simpsons episode in which a team of polar expeditionaries march into the Kwik-E-Mart with bags of ice and tell Apu that they lost four more men on that particular journey, to which Apu replies, "If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it!"

Though it’s been a while now / I can still feel so much pain / Like the knife that cuts you, the wound heals / But the scar, that scar remains

Bret Michaels: Guys, guys, let's get serious! Stop making those endangered pandas take shots of Jagermeister and help me with these lyrics. I need a simile for something that, like, cuts you.
C.C. Deville: Uhhh ... a balloon?
Ricki Rockett: A candy bar!
Bret Michaels: No, no, no, come on, guys. Well, I guess this is why I'm the lyricist. Better put on my thinking cap.
(Fade out to a shot of large clocks with hands turning rapidly, indicating the passage of time. Fade back in to Bret Michaels, surrounded by empty cups of coffee, crumpled scraps of paper, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, sporting a two-day beard.)
Bret Michaels: I've got it! A knife!
Endangered Panda: (in a British accent) Good show, old chap!!

Also, the wound heals like the knife that cuts you? How does that make sense?

I know I could have saved our love that night / If I’d known what to say / Instead of making love / We both made our separate ways

I see you beat me to the punch on that whole talking-to-Steve-Perry thing.

But now I hear you found somebody new / And that I never meant that much to you / To hear that tears me up inside / And to see you cuts me like a knife

Really? Going back to the old "cuts like a knife" simile again? You just used it two verses ago, and it was bad the first time. For shame, Bret Michaels. I hope your piles of money and thousands of women willing to have sex with you at the drop of a hat help you sleep at night. What's that? They do? Oh. OK then.

Bonnie Tyler -- "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

2009-08-22T13:05:00.005-04:00

Nothing I can write here will be as funny as this video, so perhaps y'all should just click on that link, watch and enjoy, and then move on with your lives.

Fun facts! Bonnie Tyler is Welsh, her given name is Gaynor Hopkins (?!), and she is literally a coal miner's daughter.

And, oh my god, is this true? This song was written by Jim Steinman, along with "Making Love (Out of Nothing At All)," for Meat Loaf, but Mr. Loaf's record company refused to pay for them, so they were given to Tyler and Air Supply. Wow. Can you imagine the alternate universe in which Meat Loaf's record company had sacked up and coughed up the cash for those babies? Meat Loaf would be worshipped as a god and probably would have served three or four terms as president in the '80s and '90s, nobody would have ever heard of Bill Clinton (but oddly enough, they would have heard of Monica Lewinsky), Bonnie Tyler would be relegated to performing in casinos (oh wait, that happened anyway), and killer robots would terrorize the human population (this is speculation).

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round

Good start here, rhyming the word "around" with the abbreviated version, "round."

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

Bonnie Tyler's tears sound like Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" played by 1,000 garbage disposals and sung by Gilbert Gottfried.

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

You should be more nervous about the fact that I haven't turned around yet.

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Now that I've got you lonely, nervous, and terrified, it shouldn't be too hard to make you fall apart, right?

Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

There we go. Also, if you keep telling me to turn around, it is only going to perversely make me not want to turn around, and then we get into what psychologicians call a "vicious cycle."

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild

Hey, now we're getting somewhere. Your titillating insinuation that we could be engaging in some kind of fun activity, rather than wallowing in your own self-pity, is intriguing. Maybe I'll just turn around now and then we can ...

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms

YOU BLEW IT!!!!

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry

But then ... wouldn't you have to listen to the sound of your tears?

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes / Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

I think you're confusing me with Conor Oberst. Happens all the time.

And I need you now tonight / And I need you more than ever / And if you only hold me tight / We'll be holding on forever

Uh yeah, that sounds great ... hold on a minute, I just have to get something out of my car ... (sound of car door slamming, engine starting, tires on rubber)

And we'll only be making it right / Cause we'll never be wrong

Well, this is just circular reasoning.

Bonnie Tyler: We'll only be making it right!"
Unnamed Paramour: "Why is that?"
BT: "Because we'll never be wrong!"
UP: "But why will we never be wrong?"
BT: "I just told you, because we'll be making it right."
UP: "Yeah, but you're just using two related conclusions, without a premise to support them."
BT: "Turn around!"
UP: (suffers self-inflicted gunshot wound)

Together we can take it to the end of the line / Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

Now here's the part about the eclipse. I guess it makes sense, sort of. She's saying this guy's love kind of overshadows any other feelings she might have, to the point where he is all she can think about. Right? All other aspects of her heart have been "eclipsed" by this feeling. I mean, technically, she should be entirely unable to feel if her entire heart is eclipsed, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

I dont know what to do and I'm always in the dark / We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

OK, I was with you up until the part about the powder keg, which seems to totally nullify the decent metaphor that you were building. You just said in the previous line that you were always in the dark, and now you're giving off sparks? Come on! I was trying to work with you here, but you're making it very difficult. Are you listening, Bonnie Tyler??? TURN AROUND!!! I'm talking to you!

(Also, I don't really want to drag this post out for the like 37 minutes of this song that remain, but near the end she says "Once upon a time there was light in my life / Now there's only love in the dark," which, again, doesn't quite seem to fit within the metaphorical structure.)

I really need you tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight

Yeah, that sounds really swell, Bonnie. Unfortunately, I just got a text saying I've been drafted to fight in Killer Robot War III and I'm really gonna have to leave right now for boot camp and stuff ... oh, crap, wrong alternate reality. What I meant was that President Loaf has asked me to serve as his Secretary of Whipped Cream in the upcoming administration and .... dammit!!!! Oh well, time for Plan B ... (swallows cyanide pill)

Scorpions -- "Wind of Change"

2009-08-20T10:45:00.005-04:00

If you'll indulge me, I'd like to offer you an abbreviated Scorpions discography.

1976: "Virgin Killer," which has a cover that appears to be child pornography. (This link takes you to a picture of the cover, not to a child-pornography site.)
1978: "Taken by Force," the cover of which features two guys pointing guns at each other in a cemetery.
1980: "Animal Magnetism"'s cover shows a woman kneeling next to a dog, in front of a man holding a beer. (They appear to be in the desert for some reason.) Featured track: "Don't Make No Promises (Your Body Can't Keep)."
1984: "Love at First Sting"

I offer you this little snapshot because "Wind of Change" is a classic example of a band with a clear track record of objectifying women and just generally being kind of dick-ish and weird deciding to get all sensitive and shit. Songs of this ilk also tend to have awesomely bad lyrics, and this one is no exception.

Hey, remember the Cold War? I sure don't!

I follow the Moskva / Down to Gorky Park

Lead singer Klaus Meine (the Scorpions are German) clearly mispronounces the "v" in Moskva as a "w" here. Also, why Gorky Park? Are you just naming a random place in Moscow? Why not Red Square or Lenin's Tomb or something? Lenin's Tomb even has the right number of syllables, and is probably more recognizable to your Western listeners, and it's kind of maybe like symbolic of the death of Communism and stuff ... no? You're gonna stick with Gorky Park? Cool.

Listening to the wind of change / An August summer night

As opposed to what? An August winter night? Maybe he means the night is "august" with a small "a"-- a majestic, venerable night. (Actually, that would kind of make sense. Accidentally decent lyric!)

Soldiers passing by / Listening to the wind of change / (whistling solo)

Oh, but I love that whistling solo. Best ever? Any other nominees? "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John? "Patience" by Guns 'n' Roses? "Jealous Guy"?

The world is closing in / And did you ever think / That we could be so close, like brothers

I think this is what Gorbachev said to Reagan when they were drunk one night at the Kremlin.

The future's in the air / I can feel it everywhere / Blowing with the wind of change

Uh .... hey, aren't you the Scorpions? Dude! Bro! I love "Virgin Killer" and "Taken by Force" ... those albums are the shit! I was totally listening to "Taken by Force" in college this one time when I was playing beer pong with these chicks, and my buddy Z-Dub slipped some roofies into their cups and .... hey, is this your new jam? (Listens for a minute.) Woah, bro, this is so gay! (Passes out drunk)

Take me to the magic of the moment / On a glory night

I'm sure this lyric is much better when translated from the original Russian.

Where the children of tomorrow dream away / In the wind of change / Walking down the street / Distant memories / Are buried in the past forever

Future in the air? Check. Children of tomorrow dreaming away? Check. Wind of change blowing? Roger that. Distant memories buried in the past forever? Looks that way. Well, boys, looks like old mother Russia has got this whole democracy thing figured out, and nothing can possibly go wrong for at least the next 20 years. (Brushes his hands together briskly, strolls away whistling a happy tune.)

The wind of change blows straight / Into the face of time / Like a storm wind that will ring / The freedom bell for peace of mind

Wasn't this part of one of G.W. Bush's inaugural addresses? I could've sworn he said that in 2005. (Actually, go back and read those lyrics in the Jon Stewart Bush voice. Much funnier that way.)

Let your balalaika sing / What my guitar wants to say

What does your guitar want to say? Hmm? Something about how on some level, we're all the same, and that humankind needs to live in peace and harmony, and MR. GORBACHEV TEAR DOWN THIS WALL and all that good stuff? No? Just wants to play us out with a sweet solo, followed by the chorus and some more whistling? OK. Fine by me.

Corey Hart -- "Sunglasses at Night"

2009-08-17T14:50:00.005-04:00

According to Wikipedia, this song was originally supposed to be about "a totalitarian society that made everyone wear their sunglasses at night." (Those bastards!) However, Hart altered the lyrics to be "more romantic" when the record company asked for something more marketable. In my opinion, a good way to make the song more romantic would've been to remove all reference to wearing one's sunglasses at night, but nobody asked me, did they? DID THEY?!?!

The reference for that part of the article is actually the very same Wikipedia page, so ... not sure how reliable that information is. However, the video does seem to corroborate the whole totalitarianism thing. Luckily, the lyrics don't make much sense either way, so each of us can feel happy and secure with our own personal reading of "Sunglasses at Night" -- and I know we all have one.

Also, this song is the subject of very serious plagiarism charges.

Take it away, Corey!

I wear my sunglasses at night / so I can, so I can / Watch you weave then breathe your story lines

This is rather poetic. Initial reading: Corey Hart is wearing sunglasses as a disguise so he can stalk someone. Good clean fun.

And I wear my sunglasses at night / so I can, so I can / Keep track of the visions in my eyes

Corey Hart is *also* wearing his sunglasses at night so he can ... keep track of ... the visions ... in his eyes? So, OK, maybe if we go back to the totalitarian-society thing, he wants to maintain his identity in a world full of Ray-Ban-wearing automatons. But in that case, wouldn't he want to *not* wear his sunglasses? As usual, I'm confused.

While she's deceiving me, it cuts my security / Has she got control of me?

OK, most plausible reading so far: Corey Hart is playing a game of poker against a female adversary and is wearing sunglasses so she can't figure out what his "tell" is.

I turn to her and say: Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no / Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no / I can't believe it

OK, I give up. I must say, though, I love the line "Don't masquerade with the guy in shades." It tickles me right ... there. No, not there. Safety word!

You got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

I'm imagining a young Corey Hart out on the town, sowing his wild oats or whatever, and blithely referring to himself in the third person as "the guy in shades." Also, he talks like Fonzie for some reason. "Hey, you can't give a parking ticket to the guy in shades! Aaaayyyyy!" "Hey, who wants to dance with the guy in shades? Aaaayyyy! Aaaayyyy??"

And, fun facts: Corey Hart has a daughter named River, a son named Rain, lives in the Bahamas and writes songs for Celine Dion, among others. If that doesn't qualify as living the dream, I don't know what does.

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can / Forget my name while you collect your claim

Yes, that seems like a good reason to wear your sunglasses at night. Makes a lot of sense. Are you done yet, Corey? Because I, um, have a really important appointment with some really important people this afternoon and ...

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can / See the light that's right before my eyes

Ohhh, hey you guys, I totally just figured out what this song is about. It's really going to blow your minds. So, in reality, Corey Hart --

(A single shot rings out. I slump to the floor, slain before revealing the awful truth. The unknown assassins drive off into the night, their sunglasses reflecting no light and betraying no emotion. Totalitarianism wins again!)

Journey -- "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)"

2009-08-12T18:59:00.005-04:00

I kind of wish the lyrics to this song were worse, because I don't feel it's quite suitable for the full treatment, yet I still feel the need to share this masterpiece.

If you made a game of bingo out of this video, some of the squares might ask for:

Awesome black muscle shirt
Entire band playing air instruments
Wharf
Jean jacket
Keyboard glued to a wall
Aloof-looking girl with big hair and dangly earrings
Lead singer overemoting while leaning against a bright yellow wall
Drummer wearing a cutoff maroon T-shirt that says "FOOSBALL"
Synchronized head swivels
Porn 'stache
Slow motion jam session
Lead singer calling a holding penalty (also the internationally recognized symbol for "those chains that bind you")
Shocking final twist that makes no sense

And now, take it away, Robocop!

Here we stand / Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two / Sleepless nights / Losing ground, I'm reachin’ for you, you, you

I don't quite understand the need for the parenthetical "Worlds Apart" in the title of this song. "Separate Ways" is a fine title. Although, I like to think that this was the inspiration for that Radiohead album where every song had two different names.

Feelin' that it's gone / Could change your mind / If we can't go on / To survive the tide, love divides

Not sure I quite get this part. Is he saying that experiencing the feelin' that it's gone could change her mind? Or is he feelin' that it's gone, but also thinks he could possibly change her mind? Steve Perry? Little help over here? Oops, looks like he's too busy fighting crime in dystopian Old Detroit.

By the way, the foray onto the Robocop Wikipedia page necessitated by that last paragraph revealed this little gem: "RoboCop was written by Edward Neuemeier and Michael Miner. Edward Neumeier stated that he first got the idea of Robocop when he walked past a poster for Blade Runner. He asked his friend what the film was about and he replied saying, 'It's about a cop hunting robots'. This then sparked the idea for him about a Robot Cop."

The movie was also inspired by the Judge Dredd comic book and the Marvel superhero Iron Man. And people say Hollywood lacks for original ideas ... sheesh.

Someday love will find you / Break those chains that bind you / One night will remind you / How we touched and went our separate ways

Umm ... what? Love will find her, thereby breaking whatever chains are binding her, and only *then* will she remember how the two of you were also once in love? Guh-wha?

If he ever hurts you / True love won't desert you / You know I still love you / Though we touched and went our separate ways

But on the other hand, if "he" ever hurts her, she will *also* remember this love affair with Steve Perry and then ... who knows? Hmm. I'm starting to think Steve Perry might be kind of self-centered.

Troubled times / Caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain

"Confusion" and "Pain" are the names of Steve Perry's two Bengal tigers.

Distant eyes / Promises we made were in vain, in vain, in vain

I think this song should've been called "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart (Distant Eyes))."

If you must go, I wish you love / You'll never walk alone / Take care my love / Miss you, love

The last two lines are sort of funny if you imagine Steve Perry saying them in a British accent.

I still love you, girl / I really love you, girl / And if he ever hurts you / True love won't desert you / No....no...

Hey, girl! Even though we're (apparently) breaking up and are, in my own words, "worlds apart," you can take comfort in the fact that if you later find yourself in an abusive relationship, you can always look fondly back on our "true love" that is for some reason ending. Silver lining, am I right? OK then! Wow, being a robot is easy.

Elton John -- "Rocket Man"

2009-08-10T14:36:00.004-04:00

As far as I'm concerned, there is only one version of this song, and it's this one. If that's not awesomely bad, I don't know what is.

She packed my bags last night pre-flight / Zero hour, nine a.m. / And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then

Oh, for the halcyon days of the Cold War, when the "space race" or whatever they called it allowed us to compete with the hated Russkies without blowing each other to smithereens. The moon had been conquered, its moon-men subdued and enslaved, and Mars was just around the corner. America's brave "rocket men" were hailed as heroes, showered with meats and cheeses (not literally), and probably, I don't know, had their pictures on stamps and things of that nature. Today our space program is in shambles, and astronauts are reviled and cannot walk down the street without being spit upon by small children.

Oh, right, the lyrics. They're kind of pretty but don't really make sense. I'm thinking the "zero hour" is when his space rocket is supposed to take off, but why is he going to already be high as a kite when that time arrives? Is he going to take hallucinogenic drugs? That seems like a questionable idea. Does NASA drug astronauts to make the launch more bearable? Unlikely.

I miss the earth so much I miss my wife / It's lonely out in space / On such a timeless flight

Switching tenses within the verse? Edwin Eugene "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. would be spinning in his grave if he were dead. Actually, I only mention Aldrin so I can link to this video of him punching a guy in the face. The lesson here is, of course, don't fuck with a guy who walked on the fucking moon.

Actually, Sir Elton and co-writer Bernie Taupin switch tenses twice during this verse, giving us the rare and delicious trifecta of past, present, and future all wrapped up in a few short lines. Is this a commentary on the "timelessness" of the rocket man's flight, meant to give us a window into the effects on the psyche of isolation in the inky blackness of space? My guess is no, but what do I know? I'm not a filthy, pathetic astronaut.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time / Till touchdown brings me round again to find / I'm not the man they think I am at home / Oh no no no, I'm a rocket man / Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

What kind of man do they think he is at home? I mean, this song was written before the profession of astronaut reached sub-janitorial levels of respect, and once-proud men like Buzz Aldrin had to resort to vicious physical attacks to protect their dignity, so there's no reason he would've had to lie about his job.

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids / In fact, it's cold as hell / And there's no one there to raise them if you did

I was kind of on the fence as to whether these lyrics were really that bad until I got to this little chestnut. "Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids"? Why not? Substandard school systems? High crime rates? Exorbitant bus fees? Afraid your kids would have trouble making friends with the little Martian children? Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's because it's "cold as hell" (this is true) and because "there's no one there to raise them if you did" (also technically true, I guess, but what?). Also, there's the small matter of the atmosphere being 95 percent carbon dioxide. But I guess "they would rapidly asphyxiate if you did" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

And all this science I don't understand / It's just my job five days a week / A rocket man, a rocket man

This line kind of makes me laugh because it sounds like something the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer would say. Also, again, I am no astronaut, but I have to think the people manning space missions have at least some basic understanding of how their craft works, and know a little bit about astronomy. Otherwise, something like this might happen:

Mission Control: Space Shuttle Eltonia, one of your oxygen tanks is failing. You're going to have to shut down your command module and use the lunar module as a lifeboat.

Rocket Man: What is this, science? I don't understand science! I'm just a rocket man! It's just my job five days a week. My real passion is rock gardens. Man, I tell you, when you get that feng shui just right it's really --

Space Shuttle: (explodes)

Boston -- "Amanda"

2009-08-05T22:43:00.006-04:00

So I was all set to write a post on a different song, but then Pandora in all its genius decided to play this tune, and inspiration struck. I have to admit I had only heard this song once or twice before, but I love it, and I hate the lyrics, and isn't that what this blog is all about?* (Fyi, the following song on Pandora was "Care of Cell 44" by the Zombies, and is awesome and not at all bad, and you should all listen to it, and also listen to the whole Odessey and Oracle [sic] album. I may or may not provide Pandora updates throughout this post as events warrant.)

*Yes

So, Boston. Great city, great band, terrible lyrics.

Babe, tomorrow’s so far away / There’s something I just have to say / I don’t think I can hide what I’m feeling inside /Another day, knowing I love you

Blurgh. Seriously, can lyrics be any more cliched than this? "I don't think I can hide what I'm feeling inside?" Tom Scholz was nearly 40 when this song was released. These lyrics sound like they were written by a shy 13-year-old who is wondering whether he should ask Amanda to dance at the junior high after-school mixer.

Note: Tom Scholz sounds like a really great guy. According to Wikipedia, he is a vegetarian, supports organizations such as PETA and Greenpeace, and started his own charitable foundation in order to support such causes as animal protection, homeless shelters, food banks, children's rights, and stopping world hunger. Also, he lives in Boston, the greatest city in the world.

Note: Lead singer Brad Delp was also a vegetarian and owns 7 of the 10 top links from a Google search for "nicest guy in rock n roll." (Two of the other three are about Ozzy Osbourne.) Delp committed suicide in 2007 (apparently on Tom Scholz's birthday?)

I continue this post with a heavy heart.

And I, I’m getting too close again / I don’t want to see it end / If I tell you tonight, would you turn out the lights? / Walk away knowing I love you?

PANDORA UPDATE! "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley. Awesomely bad or just awesome? That's for the courts to decide.

Fair warning: Tom Scholz is going to pose a lot of questions to Amanda in this song. They are mostly the kind of questions you would imagine asking a person that you are in love with, but you are such an incredible pussy that you would never do so. That's right, Tom Scholz, you heard me.

I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone

Oops, sorry.

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda

Tom Scholz: "Surprise, I love you!"
Amanda: "Oh, that's so sweet, Tom, but I value our friendship so much that I would never want to ruin it."
Tom Scholz: (breaking into a cold sweat) "Oh yeah, that's totally cool! I ... er ... yeah ... I mean ... what I meant was ... I love ... your new sweater! Really nice. Where'd you get it? I think I need to go home."

I’m gonna tell you right away, I can’t wait another day, Amanda / I’m gonna say it like a man and make you understand, Amanda / I love you

Pussy. Why can't you be more like Lou Gramm, lasciviously attempting to force yourself on any underage girl who happens to glance in your direction? What is so special about this "Amanda" person? She sounds like a real cooze to me.

And I feel like today’s the day / Looking for the words to say

I probably would've really liked these lyrics when I was in the 8th grade and really had a crush on this girl but couldn't tell her about it (because I was incredibly socially awkward and 12 years old and had pretty much NO CHANCE anyway, but I still fantasized about telling her, of course). There were probably a lot of days that I felt like were "the day," but it still took FIVE YEARS to tell her anything, and even then it was in the most awkward way possible, and didn't lead to anything, and ... uh ... what was my point going to be here?

Do you wanna be free, are you ready for me?

Another question.

(Fun fact! This song was Boston's only #1 hit. "More Than a Feeling" only reached #2. This may be the greatest injustice in American history. Sorry, Martin Luther King Jr.! Better luck next time.)

To feel this way / I don’t wanna lose ya / So, it may be too soon, I know / The feeling takes so long to grow

Not sure what is going on here. My best guess is that Amanda is dating someone else, and Tom Scholz thinks he is no good for her, and that he would be so much better because really Appreciates Her For Who She Is and would always Show Her Respect and never Talk To Her The Way He Does and she could totally Do Better Than Him, all of which are really boring.

If I tell you today, will you turn me away? / And let me go? / I don't wanna lose you

More questions.

PANDORA UPDATE! "Pink Bullets," by the Shins, a good band to check out if you are interested in good lyrics and generally just overall goodness. (Also, in between Don Henley and the Shins, Pandora played not one by TWO Depeche Mode songs ... nothing against Depeche Mode, but I don't think I've ever given Pandora reason to believe that I would like them to be in such heavy rotation.)

And one other thing while I'm on the topic of Pandora -- I have derived a very simple equation: "Journey Radio" Pandora station + alcohol + a good group of people = an instantly awesome party. Just try it. You will thank me. I promise.

Was I commenting on a song here? Tom Scholz? What's going on?

(awesome guitar solo)

(rocking out)

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda / I’m gonna tell you right away, I can’t wait another day, Amanda

If a less milquetoast person was writing these lyrics, I would be tempted to use the "creepiness" tag in re: the "take you by surprise" line.

I’m gonna say it like a man and make you understand, Amanda

Possible ways to "say it like a man":

1) With your dick hanging out
2) In a really deep voice
3) Hire Sam Elliott to hide in the closet and say it while you move your lips

Oh, girl / You and I / I know that we can’t wait / And I swear, I swear it’s not a lie, girl/ Tomorrow may be too late

Terrible.

You, you and I girl / We can share a life together / It’s now or never / And tomorrow may be too late

Blargh.

And, feeling the way I do / I don’t wanna wait my whole life through / To say I’m in love with you

I think Boston was actually a Backstreet Boys ripoff from the late '90s. Also, Tom Scholz is a big fan of world hunger, hates the poor, assassinated President James A. Garfield, and was instrumental in the development of the TV show "Blossom." There. Now I feel better.

Men at Work -- "Who Can It Be Now?"

2009-08-03T18:31:00.012-04:00

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Go away, don't come 'round here no more

Don't you even want to see who it is, Colin Hay? What if it's the ghost of Ed McMahon with a giant spectral check good for one thousand ghost-dollars? THEN WHAT?!?!

Can't you see that it's late at night? I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right

Eminently reasonable argument for not wanting company. I'm sure if you just get the door and explain to your mystery visitor that you are a little under the weather they will gladly --

All I wish is to be alone / Stay away, don't you invade my home

Oh, I see. You're not just in a solitary mood, but are actually suffering from some kind of mental illness. My mistake.

Best off if you hang outside / Don't come in - I'll only run and hide

I'm having trouble deciding whether Colin Hay is trying to present a serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia, or whether he is just trying to write a goofy song (remember, this is also the man who penned the eminently goofy "Down Under") that turns out more creepy than goofy.

More evidence for the "goofy" theory:
On the other hand, in the video, Colin seems to be doing his best to look insane, so I guess score one for "serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia," although his insane face is kind of more clownish than actually mentally disturbed.

I actually searched around on the Internet a little for some kind of canonical interpretation of this song, and the closest thing I could find was a random message board post claiming that Colin Hay once said this song was about trying to avoid bill collectors who would come to his door. The other two predominant theories were "mental illness" and "excessive masturbation," which is probably just a subcategory of mental illness anyway.

Who can it be now?

People whom it could be:

The mailman
A friendly neighbor
"The man," come to take Colin Hay away (see lyric below)
Tony Danza
Oprah
The friendly ghost of Ed McMahon
Colin Hay's mother
A kangaroo
The vengeful ghost of Ed McMahon, hungry for human flesh and/or great deals on quality publications such as "Boys' Life" and "Reader's Digest"*

* Apparently "Boys' Life" is meant for all boys, yet "Reader's Digest" is targeted at a specific reader, most likely Bob Burns of Windham, Conn.

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I'm bored.

If he hears, he'll knock all day / I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay

I thought it was late at night. Or did we skip ahead to a new visitor when we started the second verse? JUST ANSWER THE DOOR COLIN HAY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND --

I've done no harm, I keep to myself / There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health

I and this team of psychiatrists that I keep on call here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics (mostly for Lou Gramm-related purposes, but I find they are coming in handy more than I'd expected) would like to respectfully disagree.

I like it here with my childhood friend / Here they come, those feelings again!

What??

Who can it be now?

In the one minute and thirty-two seconds since you started singing about this, whomever it was has almost certainly departed.

Is it the man come to take me away? / Why do they follow me? / It's not the future that I can see / It's just my fantasy

I think these lines combined with the whole "childhood friend" creep-xtravaganza offer fairly strong evidence that Colin Hay is (awkwardly and poorly) trying to write a song about someone who is suffering from serious mental illness.

On the other hand,

Foreigner -- "I Want To Know What Love Is"

2009-08-02T12:54:00.007-04:00

EDIT 9/5/09: As has been pointed out in the comments section, this song was actually written by Mick Jones, not Lou Gramm. So, I'm an idiot, and we can add this to the growing list of things for which I will need to apologize to Lou Gramm when we finally meet in the fiery depths of hell.

So as much as I've been enjoying this hypercritical but hopefully not mean-spirited analysis of lyrics that were written in good faith, I thought today we could try something a little different. I would like to "get real" with you, set aside this silliness for a while, and talk about something that affects us all: health care. Specifically, the reform bill currently being debated in Congress. Now bear with me, because this gets a little complicated. As I see it, the crux of the issue is --

Gotta take a little time / A little time to think things over

What the .... hold on a second.

(Muffled): Lou? Lou Gramm? What are you doing here? I see ... Well, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings but ... I mean, sure, I'd love to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but right now I'm in the middle of talking to these nice people about health care ... Can you come back tomorrow? ... OK. OK. See you then.

Hey, everyone! Sorry about that. So, as I was saying, the first thing we have to do in order to fix the health-care system is --

Better read between the lines / In case I need it when I’m older

Christ. Sorry, everyone. Just a minute. I'm really sorry about this.

(Muffled): Lou? What's going on? I thought we agreed that ... (sigh) ... OK, if I let you do this one song, you promise to go home? OK. C'mon over here.

Me: OK, everyone, I'm back, and we have a special surprise for you ... a personal visit from an Awesomely Bad Lyrics favorite, Mr. Lou Gramm himself!
Lou Gramm (talking like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street for some reason): Hi, everybody.
Me: Lou wanted to come by and give us an example of some of the *good* lyrics he's written, so he'll be favoring us with a very special performance of "I Want To Know What Love Is"! Take it away!
Lou Gramm: O-kay. Here I go.

Now this mountain I must climb / Feels like the world upon my shoulders / Through the clouds I see love shine / It keeps me warm as life grows colder

(Gritting teeth, smiling politely)

In my life there’s been heartache and pain / I don’t know if I can face it again / Can't stop now, I’ve traveled so far / To change this lonely life

OK, OK, hold on a second. Lou? Don't take this the wrong way, but can I give you just a little friendly advice? See, there's this concept in writing of *showing* the reader something rather than *telling* him. You started out OK there, some good images of a mountain, a weight on your shoulders, a bright warm light. (You were mixing your metaphors and similes, but we'll just leave that alone for now.) But then, Lou ... Lou, Lou, Lou ... the little pre-chorus here is basically the equivalent of climbing to the top of this mountain that you have built out of words and jumping up and down and yelling "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M SAD! I HAVE HEARTACHE AND PAIN! LOOK AT ME!!"

Oh no ... Lou, I'm sorry! Come back, Lou ... oh dear. He's hiding under the refrigerator again.

I wanna know what love is / I want you to show me / I wanna feel what love is / I know you can show me

Yay! Go Lou! Huzzah! Three cheers!

I’m gonna take a little time / A little time to look around me / I’ve got nowhere left to hide / It looks like love has finally found me

Ahem. Listen. Louie boy. Old buddy, old pal. I really like this song. I even sort of the like the first half of the video because it seems like a nice portrayal of quiet desperation and yearning, and I am willing to ignore the fact that about halfway through it becomes totally bizarre and corny and includes more black people than have probably ever attended an actual Foreigner concert.

On the other hand, what are you talking about?

Here are the CliffsNotes for this song thus far: "I'm climbing a mountain to find love, which makes me warm. But I don't know if I can face it because I was sad once. But I've traveled so far to find love. Now I'm going to try to hide. But I can't. Looks like love has finally found me!"

Fun fact! Lou Gramm (and his female backup singer) say the word "love" 18 times during this five-minute opus.

Me: OK, Lou, sorry to interrupt again. Go ahead and finish up for us.
Lou Gramm: (has long since fled in tears)

Tommy Tutone -- "867-5309"

2009-07-30T11:30:00.008-04:00

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to / You give me something I can hold on to / I know you'll think I'm like the others before / Who saw your name and number on the wall

*Pop!* That was the sound of my bubble bursting. With just a cursory examination of these lyrics and the realization that this verse includes the words "on the wall," this song really quickly goes from bouncy and wistful to sad and weird and ultra-creepy. (Although, in all fairness, it does remain rather bouncy.)

Jenny, I've got your number / I need to make you mine / Jenny don't change your number / 867-5309

Weird.

Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me / You don't know me but you make me so happy

Sad.

I tried to call you before / But I lost my nerve / I tried my imagination / But I was disturbed

Ultra-creepy. This song should be covered by like Staind or Puddle of Mudd or Godsmack or somebody. (Do those bands still exist?)

I am now emotionally devastated because I can never again hear this song in the same way. Before moving on, though, check out this inspired project in which someone used a portion of his or her precious time on earth to dial 867-5309 in a ton of different area codes. I especially like the entry for 678.

Also, this article is mildly amusing, especially the quote from "Tommy 'Tutone' Heath" near the end. Now, let's all agree never to mention Tommy Tutone again.

Europe -- "The Final Countdown"

2009-07-28T12:56:00.005-04:00

Please, please, please, before you do anything else, watch this. Ohhhhh my god. I could watch that 100 times in a row. Wow. I am having trouble composing myself and going on with this post. Everyone go back and watch it again all the way through while I pull it together.

Ahem.

DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA .... DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.

Awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome EUROPE!!!!

We're leaving together / But still it's farewell / And maybe we'll come back to earth, who can tell?

Wikipedia says the lyrics to this song were inspired by David Bowie's "Space Oddity." I'm sure Mr. Bowie was absolutely just bursting at the seams with pride when he learned of this.

OK, so clearly the protagonists here are heading into space, but they don't seem to have planned the trip very well. Will we come back to Earth? Who can tell? Initially I thought this was like a post-apocalyptic thing, and these people were heading into space to escape some awful disaster. This would explain the clear lack of foresight. But "Space Oddity" is just about an astronaut, and there's no clear indication here that anything has gone wrong on Earth, so ....

I guess there is no one to blame / We're leaving ground / Will things ever be the same again?

No one to blame for what? What happened? If this is indeed some kind of apocalyptic event, I'm sure there is *someone* to blame. If not, what are you talking about??

It's the final countdown / The final countdown

Woohoo! The persistence of the bombastic keyboard riff that made this song famous indicates to me that this launch is something to be excited about, not a grim flight from a world gone terribly wrong.

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

And yet, this excitement is almost surely misplaced. Venus has an atmospheric pressure 93 times that of the Earth, and surface temperatures of 860 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I hope you like breathing carbon dioxide and nitrogen! At least you're standing tall, though, so you have that going for you.

'Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah

Oh dear. Europe's lead singer, the awesomely named Joey Tempest, apparently believes that there is sentient life on Venus. This crew really should've consulted NASA, or a book, or anyone with a brain in their head, before embarking on this journey.

With so many light years to go and things to be found

Wikipedia: "The nearest known star to the Sun is Proxima Centauri, which is 4.23 light-years away. The fastest outward-bound spacecraft yet sent, Voyager I, has covered 1/600th of a light-year in 30 years and is currently moving at 1/18,000th of the speed of light. At this rate, a journey to Proxima Centauri would take 72,000 years."

Joey Tempest, unless you have discovered a wormhole or have found a way to circumvent the theory of relativity, I think you are in for some serious disappointment and most likely death.

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so / It's the final countdown

What a magical song.

Ice Cube -- "It Was a Good Day"

2009-07-26T20:22:00.010-04:00

We'll probably find ourselves back in the '80s soon enough, but today it's time to mix it up a little. If you don't enjoy reading lyrics that contain profanity and might be mildly offensive to some, please skip this entry. If you do enjoy reading lyrics that are awesomely bad, read on!

Here's the video -- I like it because it is basically just depictions of Ice Cube actually doing all the things that he talks about doing in the song. (The lyrics in the video are from the sanitized radio version.) Then at the very end, it takes a bizarre twist that I do not like. This also may be the only music video in history that ends with "TO BE CONTINUED."

I'm also fairly amused by Wikipedia's hilariously straightforward description of the song: "The song's music video and the lyrics itself tell the story of how Ice Cube has a good day in South Central Los Angeles. Throughout the song he enjoys playing basketball, having sex, smoking marijuana (significantly, the song is 4:20 in length), getting drunk, going to his friend Short Dog's house to watch Yo! MTV Raps and later win at Craps and Bones, eating fast food at 2 A.M., and cruising the streets of South Central undisturbed. He even sees the lights on the Goodyear blimp, which remind him that, 'Ice Cube's a Pimp.'"

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god / I don't know but today seems kinda odd / No barking from the dog, no smog / And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I don't get why having a breakfast "with no hog" qualifies this as a good day. Is Ice Cube Jewish? Does he just not like bacon? Did he just need a rhyme for "smog" and "dog"? Clearly he is not a vegetarian or on a diet, because later in the song he eats at Fatburger.

(Actually, after I wrote this I checked Wikipedia again and apparently Ice Cube is a Muslim, although it's unclear whether he had converted to Islam when this song came out. If this is a faith-based thing, though, does his momma normally cook pork products for breakfast, just to torment him?)

(UPDATE: I just realized that in this very lyric, Ice Cube thanks God ... if he were a Muslim when he wrote this, wouldn't he praise Allah instead? Or maybe he just wrote God into the lyrics to avoid controversy? Or maybe he used it for syllable- or rhyming-related reasons? The mind boggles.)

(UPDATE: One other thing, in the video when he says the line about no hog, there is a frying pan with bacon in it, and the bacon magically transmogrifies into something that looks like scrambled eggs. This doesn't really shed any light on the no-hog mystery, but it's funny. OK, I promise to stop talking about this.)

I got my grub on, but didn't pig out / Finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out / Hooked it up for later as I hit the door / Thinking will I live, another twenty-four

Urban Dictionary lists two definitions for "dig out": 1) to have sex with and 2) to leave somewhere. I will leave it up to your good judgement to decide which one applies here.

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top / And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop

I always assumed this was some kind of sexual metaphor, but based on the music video, I think he is actually talking about his car.

Had to stop at a red light / Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight / And everything is alright / I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

No comment on this delightful little quatrain, so it's time for fun facts!
Fun Fact: Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.
Fun Fact #2: Ice Cube is a cousin of Del tha Funkee Homosapien, an artist whose music I enjoy in an entirely unironic way. Even if you don't like hip-hop that much, I implore you to check out this album.

Called up the homies and Im askin' y'all / Which park are y'all playin basketball? / Get me on the court and I'm trouble / Last week fucked around and got a triple double / Freaking niggaz every way like M.J. / I can’t believe today was a good day

Ice Cube is the type of person who compiles his own statistics in his head while playing a pickup game. I do not want to play basketball with him.

Drove to the pad and hit the showers / Didn’t even get no static from the cowards / 'Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me / Saw the police and they rolled right past me / No flexin', didn’t even look in a nigga’s direction as I ran the intersection

I don't really get this part. Who are "the cowards"? Who tried to blast him? In the video the police roll up right when he says the "cowards" line, but it doesn't seem like he's talking about the police, since he references them two lines later. Is this just a generic term for people who don't like Ice Cube? My favorite interpretation is that there is a gang in South Central that calls themselves "The Cowards."

Went to Short Dog's house, they was watchin' Yo! MTV Raps / What’s the haps on the craps? / Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em / Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em / With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven / Seven even back door little joe

This is probably my least favorite part of the day. Watching MTV and playing craps sounds kind of boring. And re: the final line above, what the hell?

Also, I'm sure you don't care, but Short Dog is a rapper from a group called "Da Lench Mob" that I have never heard of.

I picked up the cash flow / Then we played bones, and I’m yellin' domino / Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., today was a good day

I have played dominoes a few times and have never heard of yelling "DOMINO!" but apparently it is a thing.

I don't know how this last line is supposed to be punctuated: He could be saying that people he knows got killed, just not in South Central L.A. ... or nobody he knows got killed, and it was a good day in South Central L.A.

Left my nigga's house paid / Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the twelve grade / It's ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic / The Lakers beat the Supersonics

This is where Mr. Cube definitely starts to run off the rails. First of all, this is the third different woman he has mentioned in the song (at least it seems like they're all different people). Are we expected to believe that he makes plans with, and has sex with, all three of them at different points during the day? I mean, I guess he can do whatever he wants during his imaginary "good day," but at least make it a little more plausible.

Also, why is it "ironic" that he had the brew and she had the chronic? Who cares what team the Lakers beat? This verse needs to be rewritten.

I felt on the big fat fanny / Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny / And my dick runs deep so deep so deep/ Put her ass to sleep

Um, yeah, so does this one.

Woke her up around one / She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun / Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting / Took another sip of the potion, hit the three-wheel motion

Three-wheel motion: "while driving a low rider, you make a fast turn and your car dips on one side thus having on wheel in the air" (sic)

I was glad everything had worked out / Dropped her ass off and then chirped out / Today was like one of those fly dreams / Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams

Chirp out: "to bounce, or leave a spot."
Hey there, Urban Dictionary, can you use that in a sentence for me?
"Yo ima chirp out n get my grub on."
OK! Sorry I asked!

Berry flashing those high beams: a police car trying to get a driver to pull over

No helicopter looking for a murder / Two in the morning got the Fatburger

Did Ice Cube commit a murder recently? Does he just not like the sound of helicopters?

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp / And it read "Ice Cube's a pimp"

This might be my favorite line in any song, ever.

Drunk as hell but no throwing up / Halfway home and my pager still blowing up / Today I didn't even have to use my AK / I gotta say it was a good day

I concur!

Foreigner -- "Cold As Ice"

2009-07-23T21:31:00.004-04:00

I hate to do two Foreigner songs so close together because there so many other bands out there just begging for the treatment, but I thought this would work well in tandem with "Hot Blooded." Don't despair, there are plenty of other Foreigner jams out there to get us through those long cold winter nights.

Fun facts: Foreigner was originally known as "Trigger," and our old buddy Lou Gramm was originally known as "Louis Grammatico."

Now, take a gander at Signore Grammatico in this 1993 video, and then feast your eyes on the updated version of ol' Louie G ....

Oh, my. Look at that penetrating stare. That disdainful sneer. It's almost as if he's got no soul. In fact, it's almost like he's as cold as .... something .... it's on the tip of my tongue ....

You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love

Yeah, that's it.

So first of all, it always has tickled me that Foreigner sings both "Hot Blooded" and "Cold as Ice." The two songs have a kind of internal logic, too, when taken together -- it makes perfect sense that a dude with a "fever of 103" would pretty much think any human with a normal body temperature was "as cold as ice." Check-plus on internal logic for Mr. Louseph Grammstein! Check-minus-minus for the rest of this song.

You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know

This sounds like a threat. Also, I cannot blame this woman for declining to take advice from a man whose borderline-psychotic ramblings disturbed me to the point that I called for his arrest and/or hospitalization.

I've seen it before, it happens all the time / You're closing the door, you leave the world behind

I like how rock lyricists so often feel the need to demonstrate their worldliness by telling us how often they have seen relationships fail. Everyone knows that relationships fail. We want to know *why* they fail and how we can cope. I'm also fairly sure that this relationship is not failing because one partner is "leaving the world behind," but rather because she is leaving Mr. Gramm behind as retribution for his creepy attempts at philandering.

Naturally, Lou copes by throwing out wild accusations and threats.

You're digging for gold, you're throwing away / A fortune in feelings, but someday you'll pay

Thanks, Lou! See you in December.

REO Speedwagon -- "Keep on Loving You"

2009-07-21T18:38:00.003-04:00

First of all, check out this video and tell me that Kevin Cronin (who now apparently favors short spiky dyed-blond hair over this shaggy afro) doesn't look like some kind of goofy love child of Andy Samberg and Michael Showalter. Also, can anyone tell me what game the two band members are playing at about the 1:15 mark? It looks sort of fun.

Etc., etc.!

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby / There was somethin' missin'

I want to say right off the bat that this song is just entirely incoherent. When I started this post I could only really remember the chorus, and I was going to have such a good time making Viagra jokes (always comedy gold) and warning Kevin Cronin that he should potentially see a doctor, as I am wont to do. However, after reading and re-reading the two verses, I can honestly say that I really don't know what this is supposed to be about. It is definitely not about wanting to have sex all night, which meaning is what I had initially hoped for.

You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe / But you didn't listen

This is kind of vaguely threatening taken on its own. So, this song is definitely about a relationship gone bad. I can say that much for sure. Still a little dicey on the details though.

You played dead / But you never bled / Instead you lay still in the grass / All coiled up and hissin'

?!

I had no clue Cronin sang this here, but now every time I hear this part of the song I will giggle. And what are we talking about here? I'm tired. So, so tired.

And though I know all about those men / Still I don't remember / Cause it was us baby, way before then / And we're still together

What does it say about this song that I have literally no idea whether the last line should contain the word "were" or "we're"?

And I meant, every word I said / When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever

Actually, this lyric is not bad, just awesome. It almost makes me cry. Seriously. I don't care that the rest of the song makes very little sense and thus there is no context in which to place it. Just apply it to whatever personal situation you want to think of. I'm sure we all have lost loves of whom we often think, wondering how our lives would be had things only worked out differently ... hang on, I'm getting a call from my agent.

(ring, ring)

Hello? .... What do you mean, what am I doing? .... Yes, I'm aware that my blog is supposed to be humorous -- what are you trying to say? .... Well, I'm just feeling a little sentimental right now because I've been listening to REO Speedwagon over and over again, and there were some funny bits in the beginning anyway, weren't there? And how can you even read the post yet because I'm still .... I see. .... Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. .... Fuck you too! .... .... .... Yes, I'm still coming over for dinner on Thursday. Say hi to your mother for me.

Ahem! I'm back. What was I saying?

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you / Cause it's the only thing I wanna do / I don't wanna sleep / I just wanna keep on lovin you

(Attempts to summon the will to make amusing Viagra joke, bursts into tears, shuts down computer and runs sobbing out the front door)
(Tears off shirt in the middle of the street and reaches toward the sky a la Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption)
(Is immediately arrested)

BadLyricsBlogger REVEALED

2009-07-21T18:24:00.003-04:00

I'd like to give a belated welcome to those of you who checked me out via The Comics Curmudgeon.
Thanks to Josh for the shout-out. (Is that hyphenated?) As a special reward, I would like to reveal my secret identity! Haha, just kidding, of course. I'm just an average guy of whom you've probably never heard. Ha! Just kidding again, of course. I kill me.
New post coming shortly.

Rick Springfield -- "Jessie's Girl"

2009-07-18T21:22:00.007-04:00

Fun fact! Rick Springfield is the only celebrity ever to look like Nick Drake ...

AND Steve Buscemi ...

at some point during his career!!!

Now, before I head out the door to receive my award for "Worst Blog Layout," let's mock some lyrics, shall we?

Jessie is a friend / Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

Look at you, Rick Springfield! Having a friend and all. That's so nice. I sure hope nothing ever happens to screw it up!

But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define / Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

Uh-oh.

And she's watching him with those eyes

Which?

And she's lovin' him with that body / I just know it / Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night / You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

I can't think of anything to say about this. Kind of awkwardly phrased but inoffensive.

So, the next line poses a problem ... all of the Web sites I've checked claim it is "Where can I find a woman like that?" but I am like 90 percent sure he actually says "Why can't I find a woman like that?" Just to be safe, I will make fun of them both.

Where can I find a woman like that?

So far all you've been able to tell us about her is that she has eyes and a body, so my answer would be "literally anywhere."

Why can't I find a woman like that?

Probably because you are a boring, creepy Australian guy who spends most of his time mooning around, trying to look intense and obsessing over his friend's girlfriend.

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change / You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute / I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

1. Why would you feel "dirty" when they start talking cute? Are you like sitting at the next table at the food court in the mall, wearing a fedora and a fake mustache and furtively masturbating with one of those plastic trays covering your lap? Probably.

2. The last line might be the most sensible lyric I have ever posted. Kudos, Rick Springfield!

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me / I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines / Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?

No.

Foreigner -- "Hot Blooded"

2009-07-13T14:08:00.002-04:00

Yippee!!!

Please have a seat ... we're going to be here for a while.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see / I got a fever of a hundred and three

a) I don't think I want to know what "it" is.
b) I've said it before and I'll say it again: Please consult a physician at once!

Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

Asking a woman if she "do(es) more than dance" would be incredibly insulting, in my opinion. However, if followed by repeated statements that one is "hot blooded," the woman would probably be less insulted than concerned about your mental health. Please consult a psychiatrist, Lou Gramm.

You don't have to read my mind, to know what I have in mind

... Because I am about to tell you in explicit, juvenile, and frightening detail.

Honey you oughta know / Now you move so fine, let me lay it on the line / I wanna know what you're doin' after the show

OK, Mr. Gramm, you've "la(id) it on the line" and she's clearly not interested. Why don't you just lay down for a bit and let's see if that fever will go down a little ... oh, you're going to take the insanity up a notch instead? I see.

Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous / Just me and you, I'll show you lovin' like you never knew

"You see, I am in possession of a pornographic 'video-tape' containing images of man and beast performing unspeakable acts on each other. Interested? Yes? No? Hmm?"

Also, why the sudden need for secrecy? I'm confused.

If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night / Shall I leave you my key?

Um, Mr. Gramm, I believe the way it works is that the lady is supposed to give you *her* key. Unless, of course, by "key," you mean ... oh.

But you've got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign / Tell me, are you hot, mama? You sure look that way to me

I think if you haven't received a sign by now, she's probably not that interested. Also, she may appear hot because you have a dangerously high body temperature and are hallucinating. Please see a doctor, Lou Gramm. I have my car right here. I'd be happy to take you to the emergency room. Oh, sorry, you're not done?

Are you old enough? / Will you be ready when I call your bluff?

What?? Seriously, what? These might be the two creepiest and least romantic questions of all time. Any woman in her right mind would slowly back away and possibly alert the authorities upon hearing this. Well, actually, she probably would have left the conversation about five minutes ago, but that's neither here nor there.

Is my timing right? / Did you save your love for me tonight?

Timing is the least of your problems. The second question is also extremely creepy. It sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer would ask his victim after he had him or her tied up in the basement.

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see / Feel the fever burning inside of me / Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot

"The fever" ...

Now it's up to you, can we make a secret rendezvous? / Oh, before we do, you'll have to get away from you know who

Jesus, this song is really weird. Does Lou Gramm already know this person? Up until now it seemed like he was addressing some random girl at a show. Who is "you know who"? So weird and creepy.

Hot blooded, every night / Hot blooded, you're looking so tight / Hot blooded, now you're driving me wild / Hot blooded, I'm so hot for you, child / Hot blooded, I'm a little bit high / Hot blooded, you're a little bit shy / Hot blooded, for your sweet sweet thing

Eeesh. The outro reaches an insane new crescendo of creepiness. It seriously sounds like he's talking about child molestation. I think I'm going to take this post and move it to my new blog, http://disconcertinglydementedlyrics.blogspot.com. Also, if any law-enforcement officers are reading this (unlikely), I would like to ask that you immediately take Mr. Lou Gramm into custody.

Night Ranger -- "Sister Christian"

2009-07-08T19:49:00.006-04:00

I have to say, I love this song more than I love my own sister (not really true), but I have been looking at these lyrics for several minutes and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it's about. I mean, I know what it's about, but without the help of Dick Wikipedia, I would still be in the dark. These lyrics are totally opaque and bizarre, which is not always a bad thing, but come on, this is friggin' Night Ranger, for Jeff's sake. Let's take a look, shan't we?

Sister Christian / Oh the time has come / And you know that you're the only one / To say O.K.

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about, but I am intrigued by your plaintive keyboard intro. Please continue.

Where you going / What you looking for / You know those boys / Don't want to play no more with you / It's true

At this point, my best guess is that this is a song about a 7-year-old transvestite.

You're motoring / What's your price for flight / In finding Mister Right / You'll be alright tonight

According to the aforementioned Mr. Wikipedia, "The lyric, 'You're motoring. What's your price for flight? In finding Mr. Right?'" is the subject of much debate." I mean, I would say that it could be the subject of much consternation, or befuddlement, or utter apathy, or suicidal depression, but debate? Really? Are people sitting around debating the meaning of this lyric? Shouldn't they be too busy rocking out and such? I mean, the idea that this lyric is the subject of much debate is about as believable as the idea that a grown man would sit at his computer for the better part of an hour and try to parse the ... oh. I see what you did there. Damn you, Richard Q. Wikipedia!!!!!

Babe you know / You're growing up so fast / And mama's worrying / That you won't last / To say let's play

The first four lines of this verse kind of make sense if you don't consider any of the other lyrics that preceded or followed them. In reality, this is a song about a young girl (the sister of one of the band members!) who I guess is sexually maturing faster than said band member would like. Fine. Not a terrible idea for a song. Kind of touching, if done properly. But why the lyric "You know those boys don't want to play no more with you?" Why will she not last to say "Let's play?" What is all this with the playing? Wouldn't the boys want to play with her even more, because she will potentially have sex with them? Or is that supposed to mean that the boys are no longer playing, but trying to have sex with her? Doesn't she know this? When exactly is she supposed to say, "Let's play?" Is this like one of Erikson's stages of development or something? I'm kind of drunk right now.

Sister Christian / There's so much in life / Don't you give it up / Before your time is due / It's true / It's true yeah

This lyric is actually fine. Not Faulkner-esque or anything, but fine. Let me take this opportunity to say, "IT'S TRUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE, YEEEEEEAAAAAAH-EAH-EAH!!!" Did I mention that this song is awesome?

Motoring / What's your price for flight / You've got him in your sight / And driving thru the night

This is nonsense.

Please go back to the video for this (Is this the real video or just some weird MTV thing?) and marvel at the band's mullet-perms ... a rare and delicious combo. Then check out what happens at exactly the four-minute mark. Thank you all for coming!

Mr. Mister -- "Broken Wings"

2009-07-07T12:46:00.004-04:00

First, let's all bask in the awesomelybadness of this video. Around the 1:48 mark, lead singer Richard Page appears to be drinking out a woman's purse. The whole scene in the church is absolutely priceless, and the bird's little head shimmy at 4:36 makes me giggle for some reason. Go watch the whole thing right now. It's totally worth it. The hairdos, the excessive emoting ... just ... just perfect.

And now, before I go launch awesomelybadvideos.blogspot.com, let's do this thing!

Baby, don't understand / Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands

This one is easy. Birds do not have hands. Next line.

This time might be the last, I fear / Unless I make it all too clear / I need you so, ohhhh...

Driving around aimlessly and looking emotionally overwrought probably isn't going to do the trick. Maybe he should try talking to this avian goddess who has bewitched him so, or give her some erotically packaged birdseed or something. Am I taking this bird thing too far? Yes!

Take these broken wings / And learn to fly again, learn to live so free

I don't get what's going on here. Does he want to save his relationship, or is the relationship over and he's trying to get on with his life? I mean, this whole bird/wings/flying metaphor is exceedingly clever and original, but maybe it's too clever by half, or something. I think I'm running off the rails here.

When we hear the voices sing / The book of love will open up and let us in

This line just really doesn't make sense in any context.

Baby, I think tonight / We can take what was wrong and make it right

Brilliant songwriting. Nothing more to say.

Baby, it's all I know / That you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole

I am starting to wonder what Mr. Page was drinking out of that purse.

So the song then goes on for nearly three more minutes, without any significant variation in the lyrics. I think my brain is as broken as Richard Page's wings.

Journey -- "Any Way You Want It"

2009-07-01T10:19:00.004-04:00

This is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Any way you want it / That's the way you need it

I mean, this is basically the entire song. After parsing this awkward syntax, I believe the message here is that one should be able to have whatever one wants, regardless of the consequences. Of course, we're talking about sex because this song is from the '80s, but I like to think that the message also applies to things like bank robberies and paying taxes. I think Steve Perry probably has read this book and voted for this guy. Or, maybe he's just horny.

She loves to laugh / She loves to sing / She does everything / She loves to move / She loves to groove / She loves the lovin' things

OK, message received, loud and clear. This girl is a groupie, or perhaps a prostitute, who is willing to fulfill Steve Perry's weirdest sexual fantasies. Excellent job rhyming "move" and "groove" here, but "she loves the lovin' things?" Wtf??

Ooh, all night, all night / Oh, every night / So hold tight, hold tight / Ooh, baby, hold tight

Ah, now we make with the lovin' things. Nice. Hmm? What's that you say? You want to imagine Steve Perry singing this song while dressed as Robocop? That's so weird, because .... gaaah!!!!

I was alone / I never knew / What good love could do / Ooh, then we touched / Then we sang /About the lovin' things

I think it is safe to say that there are three schools of thought on these lyrics:

The narrator is a hopeless virgin who is being seduced by an older woman -- this definitely explains the clear lack of knowledge of sexual terminology.
The narrator is a simple robotic police officer who has never known the simple human emotion of love or the true meaning of the phrase "lovin' things."
The narrator is Steve Perry, and the lyrics are just awesomely bad.

I totally hope it's #2.

Live -- "The Dolphin's Cry"

2009-06-22T15:34:00.003-04:00

Can you hear the dolphin's cry?

Dolphins speak in whistles, "burst pulses," and clicks. Nothing really resembling a cry there. I demand that this song be rereleased as "The Dolphin's Click." Hmm, what rhymes with "click"?

Additionally, this tune includes these lyrics:

Life is like a shooting star / It don't matter who you are

Clearly stolen from "Pinocchio," of all places, and also bad.

.38 Special -- "Hold on Loosely"

2009-06-22T13:45:00.005-04:00

These guys look they would've been fun to hang out with. However, I will still meticulously deconstruct their lyrics, which is kind of the opposite of fun.

Fun fact: .38 Special lead singer Donnie Van Zant is the brother of Lynyrd Skynyrd singer and Florida-born Alabama icon Ronnie Van Zant. A third Van Zant brother, Johnny, who rebelliously decided to spell his rhyming first name with a "y" instead of an "ie," now tours with the reunited Skynyrd. The Van Zants are to Southern rock singers as the Molinas are to major-league-baseball catchers. OK then! Now that everyone has lost interest, let's get started!

You see it all around you / Good lovin' gone bad / And usually it's too late when you realize what you had

Pretty standard stuff about lost love ... nothing to see here. Move along.

And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago

Note that Mr. Van Zant here acknowledges that he is the one who left.

Who told me, just hold on loosely, but don't let go / If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control

There's a lot going on here in the chorus. First of all, holding on loosely without actually letting go seems like a fine line to walk. (As, perhaps, is a relationship?) Clearly, the message is that we shouldn't smother our significant others. This is fine, but I have trouble reconciling this cautionary statement about clinging too tightly with the previous statement that he left. Did he accidentally hold on too loosely and ended up letting go? I'm kind of confused.

Your baby needs someone to believe in / And a whole lot of space to breathe in

Set a shining example for your partner through your actions, while also ignoring her to a large extent. Check.

It's so damn easy, when your feelings are such / To overprotect her, to love her too much ... Don't let her slip away / Sentimental fool / Don't let your heart get in her way

More mixed messages. Overprotection and "lov(ing) her too much" seem like consequences of clinging too tightly, while "let(ting) her slip away" would seemingly happen if one held on too loosely. "Don't let your heart get in her way" could be read any number of different ways. Damn you, Donnie Van Zant! Because you are a certified Rock and Roll Lyricist, I have naturally turned to you for relationship advice and instead have become entangled in some hellish cobweb of contradictory platitudes. I am tempted to tell you that your father, Lonnie Van Zant, never liked you and always preferred your brothers, Ronnie and Johnny.

And now, my impression of Donnie Van Zant teaching his daughter, little Bonnie Van Zant, how to fly a kite.

DVZ: OK, so the key to flying a kite is to hold on loosely.
BVZ: Thanks, Daddy!
DVZ: Here we go ... no, you're clinging too tightly. Hold on loosely. No, too loose! You're going to let her slip away! No, too tight again!! You're overprotecting the kite and loving it too much! Give it some space to breathe in! What in the Sweet Home Alabama are you ....
Kite: (flies away)

Anyhoo, "Hold on Loosely" is a fantastic song. Try to keep it out of your head. I dare you.

Eddie Money -- "Take Me Home Tonight"

2009-06-20T14:07:00.003-04:00

This is as good a place as any to get started, I suppose.

I feel a hunger / It's a hunger that tries to keep a man awake at night

Right off the bat, Mr. Money is having a little trouble. Here he assigns a curious motivation to the unfortunate human condition of hunger. Hunger does not try to keep a person awake at night, it is that person's brain's special way of telling the person that he or she will face extreme weakness or death if he or she does not consume nutrients. Next line!

Are you the answer? / I shouldn't wonder when I feel you whet my appetite

I take this as meaning that our hero is hungry for sexual intercourse and will engage in it thoughtlessly and indiscriminately. Going back to the "hunger" metaphor, this is the equivalent of not wondering whether drinking motor oil or eating live scorpions is "the answer" as long as it whets the appetite. (Which, admittedly, it may not.)

With all the power you're releasing / It isn't safe to walk the city streets alone

Our protagonist's unnamed paramour may actually be Marvel Comics supervillain Electro.

Anticipation is running through me / Let's find the key and turn this engine on

"The key" may refer to Viagra, or more likely some primitive version of the drug, since it didn't become available for more than a decade after this song was released. The "engine," naturally, is Eddie Money's penis.

I can feel you breathe / I can feel your heart beat faster

According to WebMD.com, rapid/deep breathing combined with a rapid heart rate could indicate, inter alia, supraventricular tachycardia (huh?), acute kidney failure (uh-oh), anemia (yikes), hyperthyroidism (sounds bad), cocaine abuse, or a drug overdose (hmmmmm). This woman should probably consult a physician.

Take me home tonight / I don't want to let you go till you see the light / Take me home tonight

When they get home, these two will engage in foreplay until she "sees the light," i.e., realizes that Eddie Money is a sleazy dirtbag who will fuck anything that moves (see above).

Listen honey / Just like Ronnie sang: Female vocal: Be my little baby!

"Ronnie" refers to Ronnie Spector. The relationship depicted in this song will most likely work out just about as well as Ronnie's relationship with her husband, Phil.

OK, this goes on for quite a while longer, but I think you get the point. Great song.