Van Halen -- "Panama"

A man (David Lee Roth), a plan (violate the Geneva Conventions by mercilessly torturing car/sex metaphors), a canal (the place where my brain is broken from trying to analyze these lyrics) : PANAMA!!!

 

Jump back, what's that sound
Here she comes, full blast and top down

This song is from the album "1984" (helpfully released in the year 1984), and obviously the most provocative social commentary ever created about that particular year. Also included on this album is the hit single "Jump," which is a song about jumping. The members of Van Halen also enjoy jumping while on stage, as evidenced by the video for "Panama." It is possible that David Lee Roth is actually a kangaroo.

Are you all ready for a sexy fusillade of automotive metaphors?! The song is actually about a car, a car called Panama, or Panama Express or some shit, based on my admittedly perfunctory research, but it's also pretty clear that the car is actually a girl. Right? Or maybe the girl is driving a sweet car? And maybe, just maybe, she and David Lee Roth could have some sex inside of it?

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen zero discipline

 

Hot shoe! I have no idea what that means. Is she driving so fast and revving the engine so hard that her shoe is actually somehow getting warmer from the heat of the car? Or maybe Mr. Roth was trying to create a new catch phrase: "Did you see that new Prince video? Hot shoe!" I would be on board with that.

 

"Model citizen zero discipline" is just a hodgepodge of nonsense that I refuse to engage with. It also has nothing to do with cars. Get back to the cars, good sir! And the fucking! Don't forget about the fucking.

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Wait, who are you talking to? What does it mean to "lose her in the turn"? Are you describing some kind of chase scene?

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I really like the little guitar solo that leads into the chorus of this song. I also like that the chorus is just the word "Panama" shouted repeatedly. Awesome!

 

Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine
Got the feel for the wheel, keep the moving parts clean

 

OK, let's get disgusting up in here! What "moving parts" are we talking about here, you naughty little marsupial? What "wheel" does she "have the feel for"? Let's find out!

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom

 

They were sex parts! And the wheel is your penis! Yay! Time to get in the car-pool lane on this freeway of fucking and put our hazard lights on cruise control! Does that work as a metaphor? I've never had sex with a car before. Hot shoe!

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I have nothing else to say about this part, so how about some Van Halen fun facts courtesy of Wikipedia?

 

The Van Halen brothers (Eddie and Alex) are Dutch by birth, moved to California in 1962, and started a band called The Broken Combs in 1964, when they were both about 10. They changed their name to The Trojan Rubber Co. in 1972, then Genesis, which was not sustainable for obvious reasons, then Mammoth, and then Van Halen in 1974. I think I like The Broken Combs best of all those names, although Mammoth is pretty cool.

 

Nothing else I'm seeing here is really "fun."

 

Oh yeah, what about the thing with the M&Ms? Did you guys know the real story behind that? You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. Van Halen was notorious for requesting that venues they played put a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room with all the brown M&Ms removed. Some people viewed this as evidence that the band was crazy, or super quirky prima donnas, or just fucking with people. However, there was a method to the madness -- they figured (smartly) that this was a good way to figure out if the promoters were actually reading their requirements, some of which were extremely important for safety due to their elaborate stage show. So if they saw brown M&Ms, they would know they needed to inspect the other, more important details to see if everything had been done right. 

 

It is evident that David Lee Roth brought this same razor-sharp attention to detail to bear when writing his lyrics, which are 100% spot on and not even a little bit batshit crazy.

 

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it
Ah, you reach down, between my legs
Ease the seat back

 

Ewww ewww ewww gross gross.

 

Lots of things are hot in the song. A shoe is hot, David Lee Roth and his presumed lover are running hot, the road is hot. You know what else is hot? Panama, the country, with average highs in the upper 80s. You know what else is hot? Australia! And you know what lives in Australia. JUMP! 

 

She's blinding, I'm flying
Right behind the rear-view mirror now

 

Wha-wha-whaaaat?!

 
Got the feeling, power steering
Pistons popping, ain't no stopping now

 

Nice alliteration here. Also super gross.

 

Panama, Panama

Panama, Panama 

 

Thanks everybody! We'll be back with our next post in another 10 years-ish.

Mr. Mister -- "Broken Wings"

First, let's all bask in the awesomelybadness of this video. Around the 1:48 mark, lead singer Richard Page appears to be drinking out a woman's purse. The whole scene in the church is absolutely priceless, and the bird's little head shimmy at 4:36 makes me giggle for some reason. Go watch the whole thing right now. It's totally worth it. The hairdos, the excessive emoting ... just ... just perfect.

And now, before I go launch awesomelybadvideos.blogspot.com, let's do this thing!

Baby, don't understand / Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands

This one is easy. Birds do not have hands. Next line.

This time might be the last, I fear / Unless I make it all too clear / I need you so, ohhhh...

Driving around aimlessly and looking emotionally overwrought probably isn't going to do the trick. Maybe he should try talking to this avian goddess who has bewitched him so, or give her some erotically packaged birdseed or something. Am I taking this bird thing too far? Yes!

Take these broken wings / And learn to fly again, learn to live so free

I don't get what's going on here. Does he want to save his relationship, or is the relationship over and he's trying to get on with his life? I mean, this whole bird/wings/flying metaphor is exceedingly clever and original, but maybe it's too clever by half, or something. I think I'm running off the rails here.

When we hear the voices sing / The book of love will open up and let us in

This line just really doesn't make sense in any context.

Baby, I think tonight / We can take what was wrong and make it right

Brilliant songwriting. Nothing more to say.

Baby, it's all I know / That you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole

I am starting to wonder what Mr. Page was drinking out of that purse.

So the song then goes on for nearly three more minutes, without any significant variation in the lyrics. I think my brain is as broken as Richard Page's wings.