Europe -- "The Final Countdown"

Please, please, please, before you do anything else, watch this. Ohhhhh my god. I could watch that 100 times in a row. Wow. I am having trouble composing myself and going on with this post. Everyone go back and watch it again all the way through while I pull it together.

Ahem.

DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA .... DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.

Awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome EUROPE!!!!


We're leaving together / But still it's farewell / And maybe we'll come back to earth, who can tell?

Wikipedia says the lyrics to this song were inspired by David Bowie's "Space Oddity." I'm sure Mr. Bowie was absolutely just bursting at the seams with pride when he learned of this.

OK, so clearly the protagonists here are heading into space, but they don't seem to have planned the trip very well. Will we come back to Earth? Who can tell? Initially I thought this was like a post-apocalyptic thing, and these people were heading into space to escape some awful disaster. This would explain the clear lack of foresight. But "Space Oddity" is just about an astronaut, and there's no clear indication here that anything has gone wrong on Earth, so ....

I guess there is no one to blame / We're leaving ground / Will things ever be the same again?

No one to blame for what? What happened? If this is indeed some kind of apocalyptic event, I'm sure there is *someone* to blame. If not, what are you talking about??

It's the final countdown / The final countdown

Woohoo! The persistence of the bombastic keyboard riff that made this song famous indicates to me that this launch is something to be excited about, not a grim flight from a world gone terribly wrong.

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

And yet, this excitement is almost surely misplaced. Venus has an atmospheric pressure 93 times that of the Earth, and surface temperatures of 860 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I hope you like breathing carbon dioxide and nitrogen! At least you're standing tall, though, so you have that going for you.

'Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah

Oh dear. Europe's lead singer, the awesomely named Joey Tempest, apparently believes that there is sentient life on Venus. This crew really should've consulted NASA, or a book, or anyone with a brain in their head, before embarking on this journey.

With so many light years to go and things to be found

Wikipedia: "The nearest known star to the Sun is Proxima Centauri, which is 4.23 light-years away. The fastest outward-bound spacecraft yet sent, Voyager I, has covered 1/600th of a light-year in 30 years and is currently moving at 1/18,000th of the speed of light. At this rate, a journey to Proxima Centauri would take 72,000 years."

Joey Tempest, unless you have discovered a wormhole or have found a way to circumvent the theory of relativity, I think you are in for some serious disappointment and most likely death.

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so / It's the final countdown

What a magical song.

Night Ranger -- "Sister Christian"

I have to say, I love this song more than I love my own sister (not really true), but I have been looking at these lyrics for several minutes and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it's about. I mean, I know what it's about, but without the help of Dick Wikipedia, I would still be in the dark. These lyrics are totally opaque and bizarre, which is not always a bad thing, but come on, this is friggin' Night Ranger, for Jeff's sake. Let's take a look, shan't we?

Sister Christian / Oh the time has come / And you know that you're the only one / To say O.K.

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about, but I am intrigued by your plaintive keyboard intro. Please continue.

Where you going / What you looking for / You know those boys / Don't want to play no more with you / It's true

At this point, my best guess is that this is a song about a 7-year-old transvestite.

You're motoring / What's your price for flight / In finding Mister Right / You'll be alright tonight

According to the aforementioned Mr. Wikipedia, "The lyric, 'You're motoring. What's your price for flight? In finding Mr. Right?'" is the subject of much debate." I mean, I would say that it could be the subject of much consternation, or befuddlement, or utter apathy, or suicidal depression, but debate? Really? Are people sitting around debating the meaning of this lyric? Shouldn't they be too busy rocking out and such? I mean, the idea that this lyric is the subject of much debate is about as believable as the idea that a grown man would sit at his computer for the better part of an hour and try to parse the ... oh. I see what you did there. Damn you, Richard Q. Wikipedia!!!!!

Babe you know / You're growing up so fast / And mama's worrying / That you won't last / To say let's play

The first four lines of this verse kind of make sense if you don't consider any of the other lyrics that preceded or followed them. In reality, this is a song about a young girl (the sister of one of the band members!) who I guess is sexually maturing faster than said band member would like. Fine. Not a terrible idea for a song. Kind of touching, if done properly. But why the lyric "You know those boys don't want to play no more with you?" Why will she not last to say "Let's play?" What is all this with the playing? Wouldn't the boys want to play with her even more, because she will potentially have sex with them? Or is that supposed to mean that the boys are no longer playing, but trying to have sex with her? Doesn't she know this? When exactly is she supposed to say, "Let's play?" Is this like one of Erikson's stages of development or something? I'm kind of drunk right now.

Sister Christian / There's so much in life / Don't you give it up / Before your time is due / It's true / It's true yeah

This lyric is actually fine. Not Faulkner-esque or anything, but fine. Let me take this opportunity to say, "IT'S TRUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE, YEEEEEEAAAAAAH-EAH-EAH!!!" Did I mention that this song is awesome?

Motoring / What's your price for flight / You've got him in your sight / And driving thru the night

This is nonsense.

Please go back to the video for this (Is this the real video or just some weird MTV thing?) and marvel at the band's mullet-perms ... a rare and delicious combo. Then check out what happens at exactly the four-minute mark. Thank you all for coming!