Awesomely Bad Lyrics

Monday, January 20, 2020

Song titles that are questions, answered




Not really a bad lyrics post, but whatever ...

Q: Should I stay or should I go?

A: Well, if I understand your situation correctly, if you go there will be trouble, but if you stay it will be double. So I guess there’s inertia and all that, but seems like you should go? Just my two cents.

Q: What becomes of the broken hearted?

A: Typically, they’re sad for a while and then move on as life inexorably progresses, new loves and/or new challenges arise, etc.

Q: What is love?

A: OK, that’s a pretty broad question, but I’ll take a stab at it. The ancient Greeks divided love into four categories: eros, a sexual or passionate love; philia, deep friendship borne out of trust and respect; storge, an instinctual familial love that does not depend, as in philia, on any particular personal qualities; and agape, a general and universal love for people and things. This is, of course, an oversimplification of incredibly complex concepts, which emphasizes the tragedy that in modern English we have managed to simplify this even more, reducing this vast spectrum of feeling to a single word. What could be more Orwellian than to take everything that really matters to us as humans and attempt to express it in just four letters?

Q: What’s love got to do with it?

A: Apparently, nothing.

Q: What is life?

A: Really?

Q: Does anybody really know what time it is?

A: Yes.

Q: Have you ever seen the rain?

A: Yes. Wait, is this a metaphor? Then … yes.

Q: Who’ll stop the rain?

A: During the Cold War, the U.S. and U.S.S.R. both experimented extensively with weather-control methods that could theoretically have caused rain to fall or prevented it from falling. Ultimately, the Soviets and Americans both ratified the U.N.’s 1977 Environmental Modification Convention, which banned such “weather warfare.” But given today’s political climate, who’s to say what those devious Russkis are up to? If you’re legitimately concerned about this problem, I’d book a flight to Moscow post haste.

Q: Why does it always rain on me?

A: I don’t know, but I would advise against speaking to any Russian scientists about this state of affairs, as you clearly are vulnerable to being weaponized in the coming weather wars.

Q: How soon is now?

A: Allow me to begin by thanking you for not asking about the rain. As for your question, this is a tricky one. One might posit that being “in the now” or “in the moment” is fundamentally impossible, for as soon as one comes to the realization that a moment is “now,” that moment has already passed, propelling her into the future and a new “now.” By this conception, living in the moment can never actually be achieved, due to its fleeting nature. By the same token, a request to do something “now” or “right now” cannot be fulfilled, for “now” has passed as soon as the words are spoken, replaced by a new present and then another, and so forth. Of course, such a view ultimately is a mere exercise in absurdity, a sort of temporal Zeno’s paradox. To function in the world, we require a broader view of the concept of “now,” to include multiple moments under its aegis. But then, how long is “now”? A request to a child to pick up his toy now means “immediately,” but a politician who says something needs to be done now might mean sometime in the next four years. If one is trying to “live in the now” while surfing a monster wave, it might be only a few seconds. If enjoying a romantic evening, a few hours. If trying to appreciate a particularly pleasant time in one’s life – a vacation, a temporary lull in work responsibilities, the afterglow of the birth of a child – it could be a matter of days or even months. So, if that helps … wait, re-reading your question … how soon is now? What are you even talking about?

Q: Do you want to know a secret?

A: Um … can I say no?

Q: Where were you when the world stopped turning?

A: About to be hurled violently into the closest geological formation at a speed of over 1,000 miles an hour. Wait, why aren’t you dead like the rest of us?

Q: Would?

A: Well, sure … if you could, that is. Could you? You could? Then sure, I would.

Q: Who let the dogs out?

A: Ah. Unlike the rest of these inane queries, your question appears to be rhetorical, containing a sly but clear reference to Julius Caesar and the “dogs of war.” Pardon the pun, but to let that “slip” by would be a fundamental misreading of your scathing political screed. You offer a chilling depiction of a party that’s “pumping,” everybody “having a ball,” until all at once we hear “a woman shout out.” This, a clear reference to economic imperialism and its faceless victims, paired with the prediction that global inequality would ultimately lead to unrest, serves as a prescient but unheeded warning of the Sept. 11 attacks, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the financial crisis of 2008, and an inability to address climate change. Ultimately, the question of who let the dogs out is (as you well know) rendered moot by the larger query: How do we get them back in?


Thursday, December 19, 2019

"Little Drummer Boy"

I have little to say about this song, which is generally fine. However, as the father of a young child, I can confidently say that when caring for a newborn one values a little peace and quiet above all else, and some kid coming over uninvited to bang out a noisy drum solo would be a uniquely awful gift.

Also, the Dandy Warhols do an excellent cover of this song. Check it out.

I made a Christmas playlist a few weeks ago and have been listening to it almost exclusively, much, I am sure, to my wife and child's chagrin. I have become something of a Christmas music connoisseur, though, and I would like to offer my Top 13 Christmas songs.

13. Sleigh Ride -- The Ronettes

The whole Phil Spector Christmas album is pretty excellent (see #2 on this list as well) and worth listening to, except for the part where Phil Spector bizarrely starts doing a creepy voice-over during the closing number, "Silent Night." That was quickly removed from the playlist.

12. Christmas Wrapping -- The Waitresses

I have no idea who The Waitresses are, but this is a super-fun quirky little Christmas song.

11. All I Want for Christmas Is You -- Mariah Carey

I'm as surprised as you that this ended up on here, but it is so goddamn catchy.


10. Just Like Christmas -- Low

Low is one of those bands that I always forget about, and then whenever I hear them I'm like "Shit, Low is so good." And then I forget about them again. This song is fabulous.

9. Christmas Unicorn -- Sufjan Stevens

Sufjan Stevens has recorded literally almost 100 Christmas songs that are contained in two massive albums, and while there are a handful of traditional songs, they seem to mostly be original compositions. He is ridiculous and insane and I love him. "Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!" is another great one.

8. Father Christmas -- The Kinks

C'mon, it's the Kinks. Father Christmas! Gimme some money!

7. Christmas in Hollis -- Run-DMC

This song is a rollicking good time.

6. Pretty Paper -- Willie Nelson

C'mon, it's Willie Nelson. Best voice ever.

5. Run Rudolph Run -- Chuck Berry

This one should probably be a little lower but I don't feel like rearranging the whole list. It's good. Also, the lyrics say "Run run Rudolph" but the title is "Run Rudolph Run." Why?

4. 2000 Miles -- The Pretenders

What a lovely song. I don't know why, but this somehow evokes the image of a snowy evening more effectively than any other Christmas song I know.

3. White Christmas -- Otis Redding

What a gorgeous version of this song. It makes the more famous Bing Crosby version sound like all nine of Santa's reindeer crash-landing into a giant Christmas-tree shaped pile of dog shit topping with a star made of putrefying rat carcasses tied together with the intestines of a diseased goat.


2. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) -- Darlene Love

I don't know if I had ever heard this song before this Christmas season, but it has quickly become my favorite. Just fantastic. Hard to describe why -- just listen.


1. A Charlie Brown Christmas -- The Vince Guaraldi Trio

This is, of course, cheating, but how can you pick a single song? The whole album is just so perfect. Nothing says Christmas to me like putting this on while we decorate the tree, and maybe mull some wine, and it's not snowing but sure it could be, and it's warm inside and cold outside and for one of those rare moments everything is perfect.

Thanks everybody! Not sure what this blog is anymore. Luckily, nobody reads it so I will not be asked to explain anytime soon.



















Monday, December 16, 2019

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"


You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
 
Yup, I know all of them. They are exotic dancers at Mike's Pleasure Palace on the outskirts of town. Except, ironically, for Dancer.

Hey, did you know Donner and Blitzen are German for thunder and lightning? It makes the reindeer seem a lot more menacing. Also, I always thought it was Donner growing up, then I learned it was actually Donder, but then I guess I just learned that it doesn't matter, and who cares? That seems like the right answer.
 
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
 
No, I only recall those other non-famous ones that you just recited. This is like if you just rattled off U.S. presidents #s 6-15 in order from memory, and acknowledged that I also am familiar with said presidents, and then you knowingly asked me, "BUT do you recall the most famous president of all?" If you presume that I know all the non-famous ones, WHY WOULD I NOT KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS ONE? God damn you and your reindeer games!
 
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
 
Query: Did the other reindeer make fun of Rudolph because he had a red nose because of his drinking problem, or did Rudolph develop the drinking problem and the red nose because the other reindeer made fun of him? Also, how did Santa get him to sober up enough to guide the sleigh? 
 
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
 
I would like to use this opportunity to point out that there was an ostensibly serious movie starring Ben Affleck, Gary Sinise and Charlize Theron that was inexplicably titled "Reindeer Games," because what the fuck?!
 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
 
OK, so Santa Claus flies all over the motherloving world every year, presumably encountering all manner of weather -- dust storms, tornadoes, plagues of locusts, robot uprisings, etc. -- and yet on this particular Christmas, there is a little fucking fog and the whole fucking operation has to shut down? This is a new problem that this well-oiled machine of elves and magical fairies and polar bears drinking soda and caribous with wings have not anticipated? Would the little baby Jesus have grown up to be a fearsome hippie peacenik and nailed himself to a cross and rolled a big boulder out of the way after he died and went back up to Heaventown, all in order to have His name subverted in the service of crass commercialism, if he had known it could potentially all be derailed by FOG?
 
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history"
 
You shitty sycophantic shitheads. Rudolph very nearly died in the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red (metaphorically, of course) due to your merciless taunts and now you want to be his little caribou cronies because he's in the big guy's good graces? Fuck you. Especially you, Vixen. Yeah, that's right. And yes, I'm equating reindeer and caribou even though they are not precisely the same thing! Deal with it! AAAHHHHH!

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

"Frosty the Snowman"

Hi everybody! I obviously have not had much time to unnecessarily analyze and mock pointless lyrics lately, much to the chagrine of my handful of readers. However, I have been getting into the Christmas spirit even more than usual lately, and thought this would be a good opportunity to question the logical validity of some of your various favorites, hopefully ruining them forever and ruining Christmas itself in the process! 
 
For the purpose of this exercise, we will posit that Christmas is awesome, and therefore all Christmas songs are also awesome and eligible for the special BLB treatment, except for "Carol of the Bells," which is a terrifying nightmare.
 
Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
 
Is his name "Frosty the Snowman" or is his name "Frosty" and he is a snowman? I always thought the former but the capitalization here indicates otherwise. Anyway, these lyrics are fine. They are describing a snowman.
 
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow
But the children know how he came to life one day
 
"He was made of snow" seems like superfluous information. But, still fine. Christmas is a magical time of year, little kids are allowed to believe in insane nonsense that is obviously untrue, etc.
 
There must have been some magic in
That old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around, oh
 
Old Silk Hat sounds like an indie band or a small batch distillery run by hipsters. There's already a craft beer brewery called Magic Hat. "Frosty" reference?

Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be
And the children say, he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me
 
OK, fine. Fun, inoffensive little Christmas carol. If the song ended here, it would be fine.
 
Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day
So he said, Let's run and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away
 
Uhhhh, OK ... First of all, running around would generally make you hotter. For people, at least. I have little to no knowledge of magical living snowman physiology. Couldn't we spend our time finding a walk-in freezer, or a cool cave, in which to preserve this wonderful miracle? Then we'd have lots more time to run and have fun on some future, colder, occasion. 
 
Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand
Runnin' here and there all around the square
Sayin', Catch me if you can
 
And now we are leaving some higher, presumably colder, altitude to go DOWN into the village. Not smart! A game of Tag or something ensues.
 
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler "Stop!"
 
Now we are blatantly disobeying the commands of law enforcement, which will earn this post the coveted and all-too-frequent "criminal activity" tag. Frosty might be a bad influence. Also, is the cop hollering "Stop!" because they are about to wander into oncoming traffic, or because he is justifiably shocked and horrified to see a living "snow-man" (who would obviously, to him, be a regular human disguised as a snowman, because a living snowman is insane nonsense) blithely wandering the streets with vulnerable children in tow? Either way, seems like good advice disregarded.
 
Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye, saying, "Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day"
 
Wait, what?! I thought we were just having a little fun before he melted. I guess this could be read as Frosty sparing the children the life-scarring horror of watching their favorite new friend melt into a puddle of water. But more likely, he was spooked by the newfound attention from the authorities, and is fleeing to try whatever despicable scheme he was planning in a different town where nobody knows him. And, what is he using to wave goodbye? I didn't notice anything about arms in these lyrics ... unless ... oh, Lord.

 
 Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Over the hills of snow
 
 
Thumpety thump? Thumpety thump?! What the fuck makes that noise when it walks? When it walks through SNOW, no less?! A goddamn elephant? An AT-AT Walker? What sort of monster are we dealing with here? Has anyone remade Frosty the Snowman as a horror movie yet? I suppose the closest thing would be the beloved 1997 film "Jack Frost," or possibly its chilling sequel titled "Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman," which might be in the running for most information ever revealed in the title of a movie.


OK, that's one perfectly fine holiday song ruined! What's next? Send suggestions to badlyrics@gmail.com. I'm off to "trim the tree," which in my house is a euphemism for drinking a fifth of whiskey and passing out on the bathroom floor while brushing your teeth.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

A-ha -- "Take on Me"

Talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway


So, how about this weather! Sometimes it's sunny but then sometimes it starts raining. Crazy, right?! ... (long, awkward pause) ... Your face looks like butterflies!

Today is another day to find you
Shying away
 
I honestly don't know where the punctuation should be here or who is the subject of the verb "shying." "Today is another day to find you shying away"? "Today is another day to find you. (I'm) shying away"? "(You're) shying away?" 

"Today is another day to find. You shying away?"

I'll be coming for your love. OK?

The speaker in this song is the most polite stalker of all time.

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two


Oh, but this chorus is so fun! They used to play this song at the seventh-inning stretch of every Washington Nationals game, and they would project the lyrics on the JumboTron, and one of my favorite parts of every game was the whole crowd singing along, and it was OK if you couldn't hit those high notes because everyone else was singing too and nobody could hear you. Then they stopped doing it a few years ago because apparently they hate fun.

Every time I go to a game now I still half-expect "Take on Me" to come on after the obligatory "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and when it doesn't, I am sad. 

Morton Harket, who co-wrote this song with similarly awesomely named bandmates Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, has an incredible voice, doesn't he? And the video for this song is rightfully legendary. The love interest in the video, the equally awesomely named Bunty Bailey, had a real-life romance with Mr. Harket. 

Or should I say Sir Harket? Because in November 2012, all three members of a-Ha were named Knights of the 1st Class of the Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olav for their contribution to Norwegian music. Guess what else! A-ha has won 10 Spellemannprisen awards, the Norwegian equivalent of the Grammys. This is all funny because Norway is a magical land populated by elves and pixies wearing Viking helmets, and they even have a completely different language that might seem amusing to a foreigner.

I'm going to address all further commentary to Morton Harket. Then I will write a quirky but charming children's book called "Morton Harket Goes to Horton Market," set in a fictionalized version of North London, in which Morton Harket befriends some anthropomorphic vegetables and slowly learns that life is OK.

So needless to say
Of odds and ends


Guh?

But I'll be stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is OK.


So it looks like this whole thing will not end well. He will be stumbling away ... why? Was he rejected and now is in a daze? Slapped or otherwise physically injured because he is a creepy (but very polite) stalker? Stumbling away from the bar after drowning his sorrows? 

I do like Harket's pragmatism here, acknowledging that even after this transformative experience in which he pursues a love interest and conquers his greatest fears, that life will not be wonderful or spectacular or incredibly fulfilling, but simply OK.  

Say after me,
"It's no better to be safe than sorry."
 

It's no better to be safe than sorry.


Morton Harket: Hey guys, sorry I abruptly turned off the highway and drove us into this pit of quicksand surrounded by 100 hungry tigers!
Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy: Yeaaaaahhhhh, why did you do that?
MH (knowingly): Well, it's no better to be safe than sorry.
MF&PW-S: (nod appreciatively and make murmurs of agreement)
Tigers: (snarl ominously)
Narrator (cheerily): How will the gang get out of this one? Tune in next week for more wacky adventures with our nutty Norsemen on "A-ha! Ha! Ha!"

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two


I'll be goooooooooone in a day or twoooooooooooooooooooooo!

Break it down!

By the way, Furholmen told Rolling Stone that a working title for this song was "All’s Well That Ends Well and Moves With the Sun," which sounds like a Pink Floyd song or an episode of Twin Peaks or a Werner Herzog documentary about a wayward team of astronauts on the International Space Station.

Oh, things that you say.
Is it life or just to play my worries away?


Buh?


You're all the things I've got to remember

You're my grocery list, my father's last words before he died, the Pythagorean theorem, the note I pinned to my front door that says "Are you wearing pants, Morton?"


You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway


OK, this answers our punctuation question posed above, and is also much less polite and far more threatening. 


Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day



I love how "a day or two" becomes simply "a day" by the end of the song. Wait, what's tomorrow? Thursday? Oh yeah, I'll definitely be gone in a day. So, now is the time for you to take on me! Excuse me, I'm sorry, my English is often substandard. I mean to say "Take me on," yes? Why are you shying away? I'm just coming for your love, OK? Wait, am I wearing pants? Dammit!