A-ha -- "Take on Me"

Talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway

So, how about this weather! Sometimes it's sunny but then sometimes it starts raining. Crazy, right?! ... (long, awkward pause) ... Your face looks like butterflies!

Today is another day to find you
Shying away  
I honestly don't know where the punctuation should be here or who is the subject of the verb "shying." "Today is another day to find you shying away"? "Today is another day to find you. (I'm) shying away"? "(You're) shying away?" 

"Today is another day to find. You shying away?"

I'll be coming for your love. OK?

The speaker in this song is the most polite stalker of all time.

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Oh, but this chorus is so fun! They used to play this song at the seventh-inning stretch of every Washington Nationals game, and they would project the lyrics on the JumboTron, and one of my favorite parts of every game was the whole crowd singing along, and it was OK if you couldn't hit those high notes because everyone else was singing too and nobody could hear you. Then they stopped doing it a few years ago because apparently they hate fun.

Every time I go to a game now I still half-expect "Take on Me" to come on after the obligatory "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and when it doesn't, I am sad. 

Morton Harket, who co-wrote this song with similarly awesomely named bandmates Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, has an incredible voice, doesn't he? And the video for this song is rightfully legendary. The love interest in the video, the equally awesomely named Bunty Bailey, had a real-life romance with Mr. Harket. 

Or should I say Sir Harket? Because in November 2012, all three members of a-Ha were named Knights of the 1st Class of the Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olav for their contribution to Norwegian music. Guess what else! A-ha has won 10 Spellemannprisen awards, the Norwegian equivalent of the Grammys. This is all funny because Norway is a magical land populated by elves and pixies wearing Viking helmets, and they even have a completely different language that might seem amusing to a foreigner.

I'm going to address all further commentary to Morton Harket. Then I will write a quirky but charming children's book called "Morton Harket Goes to Horton Market," set in a fictionalized version of North London, in which Morton Harket befriends some anthropomorphic vegetables and slowly learns that life is OK.

So needless to say
Of odds and ends

Guh?

But I'll be stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is OK.

So it looks like this whole thing will not end well. He will be stumbling away ... why? Was he rejected and now is in a daze? Slapped or otherwise physically injured because he is a creepy (but very polite) stalker? Stumbling away from the bar after drowning his sorrows? 

I do like Harket's pragmatism here, acknowledging that even after this transformative experience in which he pursues a love interest and conquers his greatest fears, that life will not be wonderful or spectacular or incredibly fulfilling, but simply OK.  

Say after me,
"It's no better to be safe than sorry."  

It's no better to be safe than sorry.


Morton Harket: Hey guys, sorry I abruptly turned off the highway and drove us into this pit of quicksand surrounded by 100 hungry tigers!
Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy: Yeaaaaahhhhh, why did you do that?
MH (knowingly): Well, it's no better to be safe than sorry.
MF&PW-S: (nod appreciatively and make murmurs of agreement)
Tigers: (snarl ominously)
Narrator (cheerily): How will the gang get out of this one? Tune in next week for more wacky adventures with our nutty Norsemen on "A-ha! Ha! Ha!"

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

I'll be goooooooooone in a day or twoooooooooooooooooooooo!

Break it down!

By the way, Furholmen told Rolling Stone that a working title for this song was "All’s Well That Ends Well and Moves With the Sun," which sounds like a Pink Floyd song or an episode of Twin Peaks or a Werner Herzog documentary about a wayward team of astronauts on the International Space Station.

Oh, things that you say.
Is it life or just to play my worries away?

Buh?

You're all the things I've got to remember

You're my grocery list, my father's last words before he died, the Pythagorean theorem, the note I pinned to my front door that says "Are you wearing pants, Morton?"

You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

OK, this answers our punctuation question posed above, and is also much less polite and far more threatening. 

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day


I love how "a day or two" becomes simply "a day" by the end of the song. Wait, what's tomorrow? Thursday? Oh yeah, I'll definitely be gone in a day. So, now is the time for you to take on me! Excuse me, I'm sorry, my English is often substandard. I mean to say "Take me on," yes? Why are you shying away? I'm just coming for your love, OK? Wait, am I wearing pants? Dammit!

Van Halen -- "Panama"

A man (David Lee Roth), a plan (violate the Geneva Conventions by mercilessly torturing car/sex metaphors), a canal (the place where my brain is broken from trying to analyze these lyrics) : PANAMA!!!

 

Jump back, what's that sound
Here she comes, full blast and top down

This song is from the album "1984" (helpfully released in the year 1984), and obviously the most provocative social commentary ever created about that particular year. Also included on this album is the hit single "Jump," which is a song about jumping. The members of Van Halen also enjoy jumping while on stage, as evidenced by the video for "Panama." It is possible that David Lee Roth is actually a kangaroo.

Are you all ready for a sexy fusillade of automotive metaphors?! The song is actually about a car, a car called Panama, or Panama Express or some shit, based on my admittedly perfunctory research, but it's also pretty clear that the car is actually a girl. Right? Or maybe the girl is driving a sweet car? And maybe, just maybe, she and David Lee Roth could have some sex inside of it?

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen zero discipline

 

Hot shoe! I have no idea what that means. Is she driving so fast and revving the engine so hard that her shoe is actually somehow getting warmer from the heat of the car? Or maybe Mr. Roth was trying to create a new catch phrase: "Did you see that new Prince video? Hot shoe!" I would be on board with that.

 

"Model citizen zero discipline" is just a hodgepodge of nonsense that I refuse to engage with. It also has nothing to do with cars. Get back to the cars, good sir! And the fucking! Don't forget about the fucking.

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Wait, who are you talking to? What does it mean to "lose her in the turn"? Are you describing some kind of chase scene?

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I really like the little guitar solo that leads into the chorus of this song. I also like that the chorus is just the word "Panama" shouted repeatedly. Awesome!

 

Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine
Got the feel for the wheel, keep the moving parts clean

 

OK, let's get disgusting up in here! What "moving parts" are we talking about here, you naughty little marsupial? What "wheel" does she "have the feel for"? Let's find out!

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom

 

They were sex parts! And the wheel is your penis! Yay! Time to get in the car-pool lane on this freeway of fucking and put our hazard lights on cruise control! Does that work as a metaphor? I've never had sex with a car before. Hot shoe!

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I have nothing else to say about this part, so how about some Van Halen fun facts courtesy of Wikipedia?

 

The Van Halen brothers (Eddie and Alex) are Dutch by birth, moved to California in 1962, and started a band called The Broken Combs in 1964, when they were both about 10. They changed their name to The Trojan Rubber Co. in 1972, then Genesis, which was not sustainable for obvious reasons, then Mammoth, and then Van Halen in 1974. I think I like The Broken Combs best of all those names, although Mammoth is pretty cool.

 

Nothing else I'm seeing here is really "fun."

 

Oh yeah, what about the thing with the M&Ms? Did you guys know the real story behind that? You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. Van Halen was notorious for requesting that venues they played put a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room with all the brown M&Ms removed. Some people viewed this as evidence that the band was crazy, or super quirky prima donnas, or just fucking with people. However, there was a method to the madness -- they figured (smartly) that this was a good way to figure out if the promoters were actually reading their requirements, some of which were extremely important for safety due to their elaborate stage show. So if they saw brown M&Ms, they would know they needed to inspect the other, more important details to see if everything had been done right. 

 

It is evident that David Lee Roth brought this same razor-sharp attention to detail to bear when writing his lyrics, which are 100% spot on and not even a little bit batshit crazy.

 

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it
Ah, you reach down, between my legs
Ease the seat back

 

Ewww ewww ewww gross gross.

 

Lots of things are hot in the song. A shoe is hot, David Lee Roth and his presumed lover are running hot, the road is hot. You know what else is hot? Panama, the country, with average highs in the upper 80s. You know what else is hot? Australia! And you know what lives in Australia. JUMP! 

 

She's blinding, I'm flying
Right behind the rear-view mirror now

 

Wha-wha-whaaaat?!

 
Got the feeling, power steering
Pistons popping, ain't no stopping now

 

Nice alliteration here. Also super gross.

 

Panama, Panama

Panama, Panama 

 

Thanks everybody! We'll be back with our next post in another 10 years-ish.

Britney Spears -- "3"

If you don't mind, I'm going to get a little personal here. My last post on The Outfield sent me into a personal and professional tailspin. Who cares about The Outfield?, I thought to myself. What is the point of this blog? What is the point of anything? Why are strawberries red? Where do rainbows go when the rain stops? And so on. You know, life.

So I went into seclusion in the west wing, so to speak, and had a good think. I thought and thought until I could think no more. Then, just as I was about to give up hope -- an epiphany. If I really want to make a difference, I realized, I can't go around mocking songs from the '80s and thinking anything's going to change. That would be like shipping food back in time to Nigerians who have long since passed away or gone on to profitable careers in online scammery. If I want things to change, I have to mock songs in real time! Take on the chart-toppers of today instead of those from yesteryear.

That was all a lie!

Actually, last weekend I was watching the VH1 Top 20 with my friend Richie and not only had I never heard a single song on the list, but I'd never heard of most of the bands. "Owl City"? "Lady Gaga"? "Lifehouse"? "Bon Jovi"? wtf?? I was particularly captivated by Britney Spears' new video, in which she sings about having a threesome while dancing provocatively with people of both sexes. Then, I heard the song again on the radio while driving home (right after Led Zeppelin's "No Quarter," not sure what exactly that station's target audience was) and I figured it was fate.

So after many long years in the wilderness I present to you "3" by Britney Spears! Enjoy the video, which I find somewhat unsettling.

1, 2, 3 / not only you and me / Got one eighty degrees / And I'm caught in between / Countin'

I am really kind of charmed by how weird these lyrics are. They start out in a very straightforward way. "1, 2, 3" clearly means that there are three people. "Not only you and me" iterates that fact. Then, the third line makes no sense. I guess she looks at one person, then swivels around 180 degrees to see that there is another person? But she says she has "got" 180 degrees, like she is in possession of them. I do not know what it means. Then, she says she is "caught in between" the people. OK, I guess so.

Then the final line, my favorite -- "Countin'!" This song is about counting! Try singing it in Count von Count's voice. Amazing!

1, 2, 3 / Peter, Paul & Mary / Gettin' down with 3p / Everybody loves / Countin'

This part sounds even more like something from Sesame Street. Doesn't it? If instead of being about having sex with two people at the same time, and accompanied by images of nearly naked people bumping and grinding each other all over the place, it was instead about, well, learning how to count, and accompanied by images of playful puppets and clean multiracial children, it would be just like Sesame Street! I like Britney Spears.

Babe, pick a night / To come out and play / If it's alright / What do you say?

Haha, I was actually ready to ditch this whole Sesame Street thing, but .... seriously. Replace "babe" with "friend" or something and we're still right on track.

Merrier the more / Triple fun that way / Twister on the floor / What do you say?

I don't think a threesome would triple the fun. To an outside observer it would multiply the fun by 1.5, and for either participant it would only double the fun. Come on! This is just simple math. Don't these songwriters have copy editors? (I have no idea who actually wrote this song and refuse to look it up. But I do know that it was copy edited by Bill Sanderson of Grand Forks, N.D. For shame, Mr. Sanderson. Take more pride in your craft.)

Also, "merrier the more"? Was the "Twister on the floor" line so indispensable that we had to do these verbal gymnastics? Was it?! SANDERSON!!!!

Are you in? / Livin' like this is the new thing / Are you in? / I am countin'!

This sounds like a creepy hippie pickup line from the '60s. Hey, baby! Are you in for this threesome? Livin' like this is totally the new thing, man! Loosen up! Far out! MAN WALKS ON MOON

And, I remain charmed by how excited Britney is about being able to count. Baby steps.

Three is a charm / Two is not the same / I don't see the harm / So are you game?

At this point the songwriters probably realized there wasn't much to say about having a threesome that wasn't sort of gross and creepy, especially when paired with such a danceable and frivolous beat.

Lets' make a team / Make 'em say my name / Lovin' the extreme / Now are you game?

See? Case in point. "Let's make a team / Make 'em say my name" ... gross and creepy.

What we do is innocent / Just for fun and nothin' meant / If you don't like the company / Let's just do it you and me

I find this part disconcerting because of the change in tempo. I know every pop song in this vein has to have a part where they slow it down and get all emotional and romantic for a minute before going back to the loopy-loop dance-a-ganza with the hey-hey and the flip-flop. But this song is about a threesome, which is really by definition (in my opinion) not at all romantic. I mean, I am not anti-threesome, and I hope all of you go out and have 10 threesomes with 20 different people immediately after reading this post, but I think if you're going to write a song about having threesomes, just go for broke and make it a kind of in-your-face celebration of Bacchanalian pleasure, don't try to write cute sugarcoated lyrics and try to infuse some measure of tenderness and longing in here. Threesomes are not about tenderness and/or love. They are about fucking. Right? Um. Excuse me for a few minutes.

OK.

You and me / Or three / Or four / On the floor
Four! Four slutty people on the floor! Ah, ha, ha!
Five! Five venereal diseases! Ah, ha, ha!

Counting!

Foreigner -- "Head Games"

Oh Lou Gramm, I have missed you like the cracked dry earth misses the rain.

So the Wikipedia entry for the album "Head Games" is short but yields a couple of delightful tidbits. First, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the album cover.


Yikes. That definitely is right in the running with the Scorpions' "Virgin Killer" for creepiest cover art featured on this blog. And at least the "Virgin Killer" cover is related to the title of the album ... in this case, it would seem Foreigner just really wanted to use a photo of a young girl squatting in a urinal despite the apparent absence of a connection to the title "Head Games." I guess a bathroom can be called a "head" so there is pun potential there, but whatever she's doing doesn't really look like it's part of a game. And why use the urinal when there's a row of seemingly unoccupied stalls right there? The mind reels.

Also: "In Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Head Games is one of the abilities of the Foreigner Belt. This ability allows the wearer to transform their victim's head into a game, possibly limited to Connect Four." Now that's comedy!

Here's the studio version of the song, or if you prefer, watch this rendition that may or may not be performed by a drunken Lou Gramm impersonator.

Daylight, alright

I really am loving the beginning of this song more and more every time I listen to it. The opening guitar riff is awesome and I appreciate how they just jump right into the hook rather than employ any kind of intro. It's cool. And the first line is nothing but "Daylight! Alright!" as if Lou Gramm is just bursting with happiness and ready to leap out of bed, sing with the bluebirds, and celebrate another glorious day of being alive. As we will soon see, though, this is not the case.

I don't know, I don't know if it's real / Been a long night and something ain't right / You won't show, you won't show how you feel

At this point (see previous Foreigner-related posts for details) I am highly -- highly -- distrustful of any claims that Lou Gramm makes about his relationship problems. I am strongly inclined to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow his fault.

No time ever seems right / To talk about the reasons why you and I fight

And yet, he really seems to be making an effort here. He wants to talk it out. Lou Gramm has seen the light! Hey, that rhymes with four other lines in the first two verses, and one line still to come! Alright!!

It's high time to draw the line / Put an end to this game before it's too late

That seems like a pretty good idea. Relationships are built on trust and communication, and it's better for the couple to put their cards on the table and talk through their problems rather than letting them fester. Lou Gramm is perfectly justified in his desire to bring this situation to a head, if you will.

Let's see how this plays out! Just for a change of pace, I'll pretend to be the object of old Lou's psychotic ramblings! Won't that be fun?

Head games, it's you and me baby

Hi, Lou. Yeah. Who else would it be?

Head games, and I can't take it anymore

This is unhelpful. What head games are you talking about? I'm happy to discuss this with you but you'll have to be a little more ...

Head games, I don't wanna play the head games

OK, Little Louie Lou-Pants, I understand you're frustrated and I want to try to talk this through ... if we could just ... are you listening to me? Louis?!

I daydream for hours it seems / I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you / These daydreams, what do they mean? / They keep haunting me, are they warning me?

I don't know if daydreams really have this effect on people. If he was talking about a regular REM-sleep-type dream, the last line makes perfect sense, but since daydreams are a product of your conscious mind, I don't know how they really haunt you or warn you of anything. Maybe Lou thinks a daydream is just a dream you have when you take a nap during the day?

Daylight turns into night / We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight

Phew. That was a long day. A long day of head games.

Let's play analogies! I've got one. Lou Gramm:O.J. Simpson::"the answer":the real killer. Wasn't that fun!?

It's always the same and you know who's to blame / You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'

I guess he's saying that she's to blame. Right? I don't know who else he would be referring to. Unless it's God. Is it God? That would be some dark shit.

Head games, that's all I get from you / Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, don't wanna play the head games

We've been over this already. Have we heard one concrete example of a "head game" yet? I don't think so. I'm very suspicious. As Lou Gramm might say, "something ain't right." Sherlock Holmes might also say that. If he was more like Lou Gramm, that is.

So near, so far away / We pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say / It's so clear, I'm sorry to say / But if you wanna win you gotta learn how to play

Uggghhhh. More vagueness. I'm about to pass out here.

Hey, what's up with the rhyme schemes in this song? Each verse seems to have a slightly different one. Oh, guess what I just remembered? I don't care.

Head games, always you and me, baby / Head games, 'till I can't take it anymore

There's no chance that the "head" in "head games" refers to Lou Gramm's penis, right? Just asking.

Head games, instead of makin' love

Ah. I think here we are finally getting at the crux of this sordid matter. Head games ... instead of making love.

Lou Gramm: Hey, baby! Welcome home! Let's make love!
Woman: Oh, Lou, can't we just sit down and talk a while first? I'm so tired and I just walked in the door.
Lou Gramm (clutching his head in dismay): Wooooaaaah! What are these head games you're playing with me, man? What a drag! Dullsville!
Lou Gramm: (embarks on a 36-hour spiritual journey fueled by drugs and disillusionment)
Woman: (shrugs shoulders) Here we go again!
(Canned laughter)
(Roll credits)

Head games, in the first degree / Head games, yeah, always you and me / Head games, why do you do it baby?

I like how Lou always saves his most nonsensical lyrics for the outro. (See "Hot Blooded.") It's like he thinks, hey, this song is pretty much over and probably doesn't need any more lyrics, but I have to sing something here at the end, right? Umm ... "Head games! In the first degree!" .... "That's gold!"

If you want to waste five perfectly good minutes playing "Head Games" of your own, try this out! So long, suckers!

Duran Duran -- "Hungry Like the Wolf"

So if, like me, you are a connoisseur of 1960s French erotic science fiction, you probably already know this. But, for the unwashed masses who have missed the boat, the band Duran Duran is named after a character from the 1968 classic "Barbarella," starring Jane Fonda as the title character.

Here's the plot summary from Wikipedia:

"Set in the 40th century, Barbarella follows the adventures of its title character played by Jane Fonda. In the film, Barbarella is assigned by the President of Earth to retrieve Doctor Durand-Durand from the planet SoGo in order to save the earth. Beyond this premise, the plot is very loose, serving mostly as an excuse for Barbarella to end up in erotic situations. On her quest to find Durand Durand, Barbarella is seduced by a human resident of SoGo, who introduces her to penetrative intercourse (civilized people of Barbarella's society find sexual release through pharmaceuticals), seduces an angel named Pygar, and overloads a torture device (called the Excessive Machine) which kills through sexual pleasure."

Coincidentally, the members of Duran Duran went on to introduce all of America to penetrative intercourse with their hit song "Hungry Like the Wolf." Take a look at the music video. Oops, wait, that was the wrong video. Here you go.

Just as an aside, this video was shot in Sri Lanka, where to the best of my knowledge, there are no wolves. Why not shoot in Canada or Siberia or something? It would've been cheaper and more relevant to the whole wolf thing. Oh well.

Dark in the city, night is a wire / Steam in the subway, earth is afire

This is actually some pretty good imagery. "Night is a wire." I like that. Good work, Simon Le Bon.

Woman, you want me, give me a sign / And catch my breathing even closer behind

Starting to get a little creepy.

By the way, I'm not including any of the "do do do do, etc." parts here because they're not really "lyrics" per se, but I would like to point out that the Wikipedia page for this song states that "the repeating of the word 'do' at the end of each verse, is an inspiration from Gordon Lightfoot's song 'If You Could Read My Mind'." [sic] Being naturally curious about bands' musical influences, and being a fan of Mr. Lightfoot myself, I cued up the song, in which he does no "do do do"-ing whatsoever, unless I'm listening to some sort of abbreviated version or something. Is this just completely wrong or am I missing something here?

In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you

creepy

Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd / And I'm hungry like the wolf

"Smell like I sound"? I don't get that line. It could be "smell like a sound," but that doesn't really make much sense either. How can a thing or a person smell like he/she/it sounds? I don't think it's possible for a sound to smell like anything. Um. And the following line, "I'm lost in a crowd," doesn't help much either.

Straddle the line in discord and rhyme / I'm on the hunt I'm after you

I think maybe Simon Le Bon is so hungry that he's become delirious.

Mouth is alive with juices like wine / And I'm hungry like the wolf

Simon Le Bon is drooling. Or, I don't know, maybe eating somebody?

Stalk through the forest, too close to hide / I'll be upon you by the moonlight side

"The moonlight side"? What does that mean? And when did we get into this forest? In the first line we were in a city. Unless we were in the forest the whole time and he just happened to mention that it was dark in the city, as a kind of non sequitur. Is anyone else getting hungry? I'm kind of hungry.

Hey, why didn't Duran Duran turn this song into a whole series? They could've done "Angry Like the Goat," "Sleepy Like the Bear (In Winter)," "Sticky Like the Anteater," "Endangered Like the Panda," "Amphibious Like the Frog" ... the possibilities are endless. Each one could also be adapted as a children's book and an erotic science fiction movie. Synergy!

High blood drumming on your skin it's so tight / You feel my heat I'm just a moment behind

If someone was following you, what would happen first? Would you "catch (his) breathing" or "feel (his) heat"? And would those two things happen like two verses apart?

And, "high blood drumming on your skin it's so tight"? Huh? I think maybe it's actually "High blood / drumming on your skin, it's so tight." In which case, whaaa??? Actually, maybe Mr. Le Bon should be congratulated here, because even though I have no concept of what this line means, I can definitively say that it is creepy. Kind of like if a child gave you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but instead of peanut butter and jelly, he used gravel and mucus. You don't really know exactly what he's trying to tell you, but it's quite clear that he is mentally ill and you should sleep with one eye open.

In touch with the ground / I'm on the hunt, I'm after you / Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found / And I'm hungry like the wolf

OK, we get it.

Straddle the line it's discord and rhyme / I howl and I whine, I'm after you

The unofficial lyrics I found online said this lyric was "strut on a line." I think that makes less sense than "straddle the line," but it does sound more like he says "strut." So I listened hard to the song (he sings this line three times) and each time it sounded like something different. Then I thought, "Does it really matter which it is? This is like two detectives sitting around arguing about how many times the serial killer stabbed his latest victim, while the killer hops in his car and drives away." Then I realized it wasn't like that at all, but it got me thinking about detectives, so I watched 22 consecutive episodes of "Murder, She Wrote." Then I Googled "Angela Lansbury" and "1960s French erotic science fiction" and got no results.

This song is making me type nonsense.

Mouth is alive all running inside / And I'm hungry like the wolf

This song makes me want to eat a big juicy steak and have penetrative intercouse, not necessarily in that order. The intercourse should be the easy part, but where am I going to find a steak at this hour?

Aerosmith -- "Sweet Emotion"

Because cheap laughs that make us feel bad about ourselves later is what we're all about here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics, please enjoy this picture!

Ha! This funny-looking celebrity would not fit in in the Real America with us hard-working Joes! All the solid gold toilets in the world won't change the fact that he looks similar to a monkey when he makes a certain facial expression!

Little-known fact, though, and here's where I blow your mind -- this monkey got a songwriting credit for "Sweet Emotion." He was later kicked out of the band because of "creative differences" with Steven Tyler, and because he demanded 100 freshly peeled bananas each day before he would write a single word. Many critics feel that while Aerosmith's later work was more polished and enjoyed great commercial success, it didn't quite have the same spark, much like the recordings of Pink Floyd post-Syd Barrett.

OK, enough monkeying around! Ha ha! (muffled sob)

Before we start with the lyrics, please enjoy this creepy video! I like the part when it appears that Steven Tyler and one of his band-mates (I refuse to learn their names) are on the verge of making out.

Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion

Yeah, emotion sure is sweet. It really doesn't matter what emotion you're feeling -- lust, despair, surprise, angst, contempt, optimism, rage, zest -- it's always pretty sweet. Yup.

You talk about things that nobody cares / You're wearing out things that nobody wears

First line is grammatically incorrect. You don't "care" something. We need a preposition here.

Second line makes little to no sense.

So, what emotion is Steven Tyler feeling here? Contempt? Disgust? Confusion?

You're calling my name but I gotta make clear / I can't say, baby, where I'll be in a year

OK, up to this point the song makes at least a modicum of sense. Steven Tyler knows a girl, and the girl likes him, but he's not especially into her and wants to let her know that he doesn't see this becoming a serious relationship. He is feeling some sort of emotion, probably apprehension, I guess, and for some reason this is sweet.

When some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent / Said my get up and go musta got up and went / Well I got good news, she's a real good liar / 'Cause the backstage boogie set your pants on fire

Oh, my. So much to discuss here. First of all, what does this have to do with anything? Secondly, why are you so concerned with this seemingly casual insult from a "sweat hog mama"? You seem kind of insecure. Third, I don't think it's fair to call this woman a liar. She was just probably mistaken about your loss of sexual prowess. Fourth, if the pronoun "you" still has the same unnamed antecedent as it did in Verse 1, why are you responding to this criticism by citing your seduction of a woman that you hold in such seemingly low esteem? And fifth, oh my god, really? "The backstage boogie set your pants on fire"?

Phew. I'm calling a timeout. While you wait, maybe you'd enjoy seeing a disgusting picture of Steven Tyler with his ass hanging out? I know I was thrilled to find it! And hey! Maybe you'd like to buy an Aerosmith lottery ticket? If that article doesn't entice you, maybe this commercial in which a goldfish somehow drives a car will do the trick!

OK now. Deep breaths. Keep it together, man. Just two verses to go.

Sweet emotion / Sweet emotion

What do the words "sweet emotion" have to do with the content of this song? I really want to know. Maybe it's just a filler phrase that Steven Tyler made up, sort of along the lines of "Oh well!" or "What're you gonna do?"

So one could say something like "Hey, there's this girl who is really into me, and we did it a couple times, but I need to tell her that it's not really going to work out. I'm really in a pickle here. Sweet emotion!"

I pulled into town in a police car / Your daddy said I took it just a little too far

This whole third verse is just drunken rambling. I will give anyone who can offer a reasonable explanation of these lyrics an autographed copy of the 1975 Aerosmith album "Toys in the Attic." Or an autographed printout of that disgusting picture of Steven Tyler I linked to above. Whichever you prefer. (These would be autographed by me, not by any members of Aerosmith.)

You're telling her things but your girlfriend lied / You can't catch me 'cause the rabbit done died / Yes it did

See?

You stand in the front just a shakin' your ass / I'll take you backstage, you can drink from my glass

Eww. Gross. Haven't you heard of H1N1, Steven Tyler?

Actually, this album was released just one year before the swine-flu outbreak of 1976. Coincidence? Or perhaps this occurred because everyone was going around drinking from each other's glasses willy-nilly, throwing caution to the wind, after this song came out? I think I might've stumbled onto something important. Is anyone here an epidemiologist? Is anyone even here? Hello?

Hey, what part of the "backstage boogie" do you think that "drink(ing) from (Steven Tyler's) glass" represents? I don't think I want to know.

I'll talk about something you can sure understand / 'Cause a month on the road and I'll be eatin' from your hand

Irritation. Exasperation. Fear. Horror. Torment. Disgust. Rage. Shame. Agitation. Grumpiness. Melancholy. Dejection. Alienation.

Emotions.

Sweet.

Bon Jovi -- "I'll Be There For You"

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there.

Here's today's song, and it's a doozy!

But first, Wikipedia told me the original name for the band Bon Jovi. Do you want to hear it? OK.
It's "Johny [sic] Electric."

!!!

I guess this time you're really leaving / I heard your suitcase say goodbye

I'm imagining an anthropomorphic suitcase here, kind of like something from Pee Wee's Playhouse, saying "Goodbye, Jon," in a really mopey voice.

Well, as my broken heart lies bleeding / You say true love it's suicide

This is another one of those songs where the singer is just so broken up about his wife/girlfriend/rhino handler leaving and just can't go on without her, oh my god! And you sort of feel sorry for him until you read the rest of the lyrics where he fucking admits how badly he treated her, and how he really deserves everything that happens to him. Then you go out to the garage and huff some paint, because hey, you like huffing paint, and you're not going to let society tell you how to live your life.

You say you've cried a thousand rivers / And now you're swimming for the shore / You left me drowning in my tears / And you won't save me anymore

That is a goddamn assload of tears being shed in this little stanza. Why are we trying to save this relationship again? Seriously. Just break up. JUST BREAK UP! And stop writing these awful lyrics. They're really awful. I'm telling you this for your own good. Let this poor girl get on with her life and go take a creative-writing class or something. (But, don't stop pumping out the sweet jams. I know it's a fine line to walk. We can all help you through it.)

Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl

And if that doesn't work, I'll pray to Allah or Buddha or LeBron James or whoever it is people pray to these days.

I'll be there for you / These five words I swear to you

Ha, I kind of like this line. Except for the fact that everything else in the song indicates that he has never been there for her at any time. Run! Run far away!

When you breathe I want to be the air for you / I'll be there for you / I'd live and I'd die for you / I'd steal the sun from the sky for you / Words can't say what love can do / I'll be there for you

Yes! Exactly, Jon Bon Jovi. You've really hit the nail on the head. "Words can't say what love can do." And the fact is, you are trying to save this relationship with words when you have failed to show this poor woman love.

Although, if you are in fact able to "steal the sun from the sky" for her, that would be pretty impressive ... for about seven minutes before all of humankind died in agony.

I know you know we've had some good times / Now they have their own hiding place

But do you know that I know that you know ... oh, forget it.

Also, why are you hiding all the good times? That's not really helping your cause.

I can promise you tomorrow / But I can't buy back yesterday

Unless ... (attempts to buy time machine) ... nope, I was right.

And baby you know my hands are dirty / But I wanted to be your Valentine

Are these two lines supposed to be somehow related? His hands are dirty, BUT he wanted to be your Valentine? I'm expecting the next line to be something like "Ooh girl, I made a turkey sandwich / But you joined a marching band." Actually, imagine singing that like Bon Jovi. It's kind of funny. Or maybe it's just funny to imagine him making a turkey sandwich.

I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby / When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

Uhhh, yeah. A couple things wrong here. First of all, you already established water as a drowning metaphor earlier in the song. Now you're using it as a life-giving metaphor. Are you trying to sell me a bill of goods here, Jon Bon Jovi? Trying to have your turkey sandwich and eat it too, so to speak?

Also, giving her wine when she's already drunk? Creepiness tag.

(Chorus)

Now these final lines might be my favorites.

I wasn't there when you were happy / And I wasn't there when you were down

Beautiful. Awesome. You weren't there when she was happy or when she was down. Meaning you were never there for her at all. Or perhaps only there when she was clipping her toenails, or was watching a boring movie, or was sleeping or something. Then as soon as a hint of emotion flickers across her face, boom! Out the door.

Didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby / I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

Awe. Some. Ly. Bad. Lyrics. (These five words I swear to you.)

The Eagles -- "Take It Easy"

Man, come on, I had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles.

Actually, it seems to me like the Eagles are the kind of band that when they come on the radio, you'll be like, "Oh yeah, this is a good song," and you probably won't change the station. However, you'll never be like "Oh wow, I'd really love to hear an Eagles jam right now!" or "Hey guys, I erected a small shrine to the Eagles in my basement that includes DNA samples from each band member so that once we have the technology, we can clone them all and force the clones to play live shows for us every night!" Not that I've done that for any bands or anything.

So, yeah, I think the Eagles are pretty cool and can be enjoyed by children of all ages, but they've never done anything that really blows me away. So why am I blogging about them? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, I'm runnin’ down the road tryin' to loosen my load

Uh, OK, not off to a good start here. I get it, you* have worries and troubles and stuff. But I need some clarification on what, specifically, you are doing. "Runnin' down the road" -- are you jogging? That seems like an OK way to take your mind off your problems. But I don't think you're jogging. Are you running away from something or someone? Neither of those things seem like good ways to "take it easy." I think maybe you're actually driving a car, based on subsequent lyrics.

Also, how does one "loosen" one's load, exactly? Did you mean "lighten my load"? I would think loosening your load, especially if you're driving, would be a bad idea.

Or, maybe you're just constipated.

* You = Jackson Browne and Glenn Frey, who co-wrote this song, I guess.

I've got seven women on my mind / Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me, one says she's a friend of mine

It's a love octagon! Seriously, if you really want to take it easy, friend, you might want to simplify your love life a little. Also, two different women want to "stone" you? I'm guessing you mean throw rocks at you, not smoke marijuana, because smoking marijuana might be the quintessential way to take it easy.

Did you know there's a board game called "Take It Easy"? It's true!

That box makes the game look sort of complicated, though, not easy.

Take it easy, take it easy / Don't let the sound of your own wheels / Drive you crazy

Yeah, I mean, if the sound of your *wheels* is driving you crazy, I think you definitely need to take it easy. Like, maybe by checking into a mental institution. Unless you have like a bad axle or something and it's making some sort of clunking sound, in which case it's probably justified. What was I talking about?

Lighten up while you still can / Don't even try to understand / Just find a place to make your stand / And take it easy

"Lighten up" here could easily be "loosen up." Why don't we just agree to swap the words "loosen" and "lighten" in this song? I think it would make the world a better place. If Obama can win the Nobel Peace Prize for shaking hands with some Egyptian dude or whatever, I can probably make a good case based on this, right? Oooohhhh, did I just get political?! Oh, snap!

Well, I'm a standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona

I have to say, you know a band has made it when a throwaway line in one of its songs inspires a full-blown tourist attraction. Although I'm not really sure how exciting this could actually be. It's like going to see the Abbey Road street crossing -- you go there and say, "Yup, there it is," and then maybe take a couple pictures and leave, because really in the end, it's just a crosswalk. I would imagine the corner in Winslow would be even less interesting, because the Beatles were actually at the street crossing at one point, and the Beatles are a much more interesting band than the Eagles.

Take that, Arizona Office of Tourism!
This message sponsored by the New Mexico Tourism Department.

Such a fine sight to see / It's a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin' down to take a look at me / Come on, baby, don't say maybe / I gotta know if your sweet love is gonna save me / We may lose and we may win but we will never be here again / So open up, I'm climbin' in, take it easy

Yeah, let's add another woman to the mix. That ought to make your life easier.

Also, "come on, baby, don't say maybe" is a terrible lyric.

Also, does "open up, I'm climbin' in" warrant the "creepiness" tag? I think we all know the answer to that question.

Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen my load, got a world of trouble on my mind / Been lookin' for a lover who won't blow my cover, she's so hard to find

You're actually a spy? Again, I hate to be a Critical Carl here, but that doesn't seem like a profession conducive to taking it easy.

OK, so the rest of the song is mostly just a lot of "ooh, ooh, ooh"-ing and stuff.

Hey, how many other bands can you think of that are named after birds? There's the Jayhawks, the Dodos (sub-category: extinct birds), Department of Eagles, Doves, and, of course, the Byrds. It seems like there should be a lot more, but I'm not coming up with any off the top of my head ...

Mr. Big -- "To Be With You"

Apparently Mr. Big is huge in Japan. That's all I have to say by way of prologue, because I couldn't find any other interesting tidbits online.

Also, the Internet appears to have been scrubbed clean of the video for this song, so here's a live performance. Again, not much of interest here, except for one of the guitarists, who appears to wearing nothing but a pair of red skin-tight pants with the word "EVERYBODY" written on it multiple times. I'm not tech-savvy enough to post a screenshot but if you pause the video at the 0:29 mark you can get a good look. If anyone knows where this garment can be obtained, I would very much like to know about it.

Woot!

Hold on little girl / Show me what he's done to you / Stand up little girl / A broken heart can't be that bad

Dear boringly named lead singer Eric Martin,

This is a fairly patronizing tone to take when addressing a woman who seems to have little to no interest in you romantically. I suggest you refrain from calling her a "little girl" and instead emphasize her womanhood. Additionally, the advice that "a broken heart can't be that bad" is probably not what she wants to hear right now. Instead of trivializing her problems, I would recommend trying to empathize with her and show that you understand. Finally, try wearing no shirt and a pair of red skin-tight pants emblazoned with the word "EVERYBODY." I'm told the ladies really like this look. Especially Japanese ladies.

Best,
Miss Manners

When it's through, it's through / Fate will twist the both of you / So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to show you

What are you going to show her? Hmm? Is it ... YOUR PENIS??

I'm the one who wants to be with you / Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too

Hmm, what *exactly* is she going to feel deep inside of her? Hmmmmmm???? Could it be ... YOUR PENIS????

Note: The last two comments by me are much funnier if you read them in the Church Lady voice. Note #2: Not sure exactly why I chose to go in this direction here, but I'm gonna stick with it.

Waited on a line of greens and blues / Just to be the next to be with you

What precisely is green and blue? Could it be ... uh, OK, that doesn't work.

In fact, I have no clue what this lyric is supposed to be about. "A line of greens and blues"? Also, the idea of a man "waiting on a line" to be the next to be with a woman reminds me of this lovely woman who apparently slept with 620 men in one day, only to be thwarted by an even classier lady who went all the way to 919. (Is that really possible? The source of this information is the German newspaper "Die Welt," which was founded by Theodore Herzl and appears to be at least somewhat reputable. If you will it, it is no dream, I suppose.)

Build up your confidence / so you can be on top for once

Are we talking about sexual positions here? I think we are. This song is dirty, dirty, dirty!

Wake up, who cares about / Little boys that talk too much

Hmm, maybe the person to whom this song is addressed is, in fact, a little girl. "Creepiness" and "criminal activity" tags? I think so.

I've seen it all go down

"Go down." My mind is officially in the gutter.

Your game of love was all rained out

This might be in the top 10 worst lyrics out of all the songs I've posted. And it's not even a double entendre! Or ... wait a minute ... ewwwwwww.

So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to hold you

Break it down!

Why be alone when we can be together baby / You can make my life worthwhile / I can make you start to smile

Yes, that's right ... he can make you start to smile .... with ...








wait for it ...










HIS PENIS!!!!

Congratulations, people! We did it! Most vulgar post yet, narrowly edging out this one. Good night, Tokyo!

Men at Work -- "Who Can It Be Now?"

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Go away, don't come 'round here no more

Don't you even want to see who it is, Colin Hay? What if it's the ghost of Ed McMahon with a giant spectral check good for one thousand ghost-dollars? THEN WHAT?!?!

Can't you see that it's late at night? I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right

Eminently reasonable argument for not wanting company. I'm sure if you just get the door and explain to your mystery visitor that you are a little under the weather they will gladly --

All I wish is to be alone / Stay away, don't you invade my home

Oh, I see. You're not just in a solitary mood, but are actually suffering from some kind of mental illness. My mistake.

Best off if you hang outside / Don't come in - I'll only run and hide

I'm having trouble deciding whether Colin Hay is trying to present a serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia, or whether he is just trying to write a goofy song (remember, this is also the man who penned the eminently goofy "Down Under") that turns out more creepy than goofy.

More evidence for the "goofy" theory:
On the other hand, in the video, Colin seems to be doing his best to look insane, so I guess score one for "serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia," although his insane face is kind of more clownish than actually mentally disturbed.

I actually searched around on the Internet a little for some kind of canonical interpretation of this song, and the closest thing I could find was a random message board post claiming that Colin Hay once said this song was about trying to avoid bill collectors who would come to his door. The other two predominant theories were "mental illness" and "excessive masturbation," which is probably just a subcategory of mental illness anyway.

Who can it be now?

People whom it could be:

The mailman
A friendly neighbor
"The man," come to take Colin Hay away (see lyric below)
Tony Danza
Oprah
The friendly ghost of Ed McMahon
Colin Hay's mother
A kangaroo
The vengeful ghost of Ed McMahon, hungry for human flesh and/or great deals on quality publications such as "Boys' Life" and "Reader's Digest"*

* Apparently "Boys' Life" is meant for all boys, yet "Reader's Digest" is targeted at a specific reader, most likely Bob Burns of Windham, Conn.

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I'm bored.

If he hears, he'll knock all day / I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay

I thought it was late at night. Or did we skip ahead to a new visitor when we started the second verse? JUST ANSWER THE DOOR COLIN HAY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND --

I've done no harm, I keep to myself / There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health

I and this team of psychiatrists that I keep on call here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics (mostly for Lou Gramm-related purposes, but I find they are coming in handy more than I'd expected) would like to respectfully disagree.

I like it here with my childhood friend / Here they come, those feelings again!

What??

Who can it be now?

In the one minute and thirty-two seconds since you started singing about this, whomever it was has almost certainly departed.

Is it the man come to take me away? / Why do they follow me? / It's not the future that I can see / It's just my fantasy

I think these lines combined with the whole "childhood friend" creep-xtravaganza offer fairly strong evidence that Colin Hay is (awkwardly and poorly) trying to write a song about someone who is suffering from serious mental illness.

On the other hand,

Tommy Tutone -- "867-5309"

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to / You give me something I can hold on to / I know you'll think I'm like the others before / Who saw your name and number on the wall

*Pop!* That was the sound of my bubble bursting. With just a cursory examination of these lyrics and the realization that this verse includes the words "on the wall," this song really quickly goes from bouncy and wistful to sad and weird and ultra-creepy. (Although, in all fairness, it does remain rather bouncy.)

Jenny, I've got your number / I need to make you mine / Jenny don't change your number / 867-5309

Weird.

Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me / You don't know me but you make me so happy

Sad.

I tried to call you before / But I lost my nerve / I tried my imagination / But I was disturbed

Ultra-creepy. This song should be covered by like Staind or Puddle of Mudd or Godsmack or somebody. (Do those bands still exist?)

I am now emotionally devastated because I can never again hear this song in the same way. Before moving on, though, check out this inspired project in which someone used a portion of his or her precious time on earth to dial 867-5309 in a ton of different area codes. I especially like the entry for 678.

Also, this article is mildly amusing, especially the quote from "Tommy 'Tutone' Heath" near the end. Now, let's all agree never to mention Tommy Tutone again.

Rick Springfield -- "Jessie's Girl"

Fun fact! Rick Springfield is the only celebrity ever to look like Nick Drake ...

AND Steve Buscemi ...

at some point during his career!!!

Now, before I head out the door to receive my award for "Worst Blog Layout," let's mock some lyrics, shall we?

Jessie is a friend / Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

Look at you, Rick Springfield! Having a friend and all. That's so nice. I sure hope nothing ever happens to screw it up!

But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define / Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

Uh-oh.

And she's watching him with those eyes

Which?

And she's lovin' him with that body / I just know it / Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night / You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

I can't think of anything to say about this. Kind of awkwardly phrased but inoffensive.

So, the next line poses a problem ... all of the Web sites I've checked claim it is "Where can I find a woman like that?" but I am like 90 percent sure he actually says "Why can't I find a woman like that?" Just to be safe, I will make fun of them both.

Where can I find a woman like that?

So far all you've been able to tell us about her is that she has eyes and a body, so my answer would be "literally anywhere."

Why can't I find a woman like that?

Probably because you are a boring, creepy Australian guy who spends most of his time mooning around, trying to look intense and obsessing over his friend's girlfriend.

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change / You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute / I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

1. Why would you feel "dirty" when they start talking cute? Are you like sitting at the next table at the food court in the mall, wearing a fedora and a fake mustache and furtively masturbating with one of those plastic trays covering your lap? Probably.

2. The last line might be the most sensible lyric I have ever posted. Kudos, Rick Springfield!

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me / I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines / Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?

No.

Foreigner -- "Hot Blooded"

Yippee!!!

Please have a seat ... we're going to be here for a while.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see / I got a fever of a hundred and three

a) I don't think I want to know what "it" is.
b) I've said it before and I'll say it again: Please consult a physician at once!

Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

Asking a woman if she "do(es) more than dance" would be incredibly insulting, in my opinion. However, if followed by repeated statements that one is "hot blooded," the woman would probably be less insulted than concerned about your mental health. Please consult a psychiatrist, Lou Gramm.

You don't have to read my mind, to know what I have in mind

... Because I am about to tell you in explicit, juvenile, and frightening detail.

Honey you oughta know / Now you move so fine, let me lay it on the line / I wanna know what you're doin' after the show

OK, Mr. Gramm, you've "la(id) it on the line" and she's clearly not interested. Why don't you just lay down for a bit and let's see if that fever will go down a little ... oh, you're going to take the insanity up a notch instead? I see.

Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous / Just me and you, I'll show you lovin' like you never knew

"You see, I am in possession of a pornographic 'video-tape' containing images of man and beast performing unspeakable acts on each other. Interested? Yes? No? Hmm?"

Also, why the sudden need for secrecy? I'm confused.

If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night / Shall I leave you my key?

Um, Mr. Gramm, I believe the way it works is that the lady is supposed to give you *her* key. Unless, of course, by "key," you mean ... oh.

But you've got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign / Tell me, are you hot, mama? You sure look that way to me

I think if you haven't received a sign by now, she's probably not that interested. Also, she may appear hot because you have a dangerously high body temperature and are hallucinating. Please see a doctor, Lou Gramm. I have my car right here. I'd be happy to take you to the emergency room. Oh, sorry, you're not done?

Are you old enough? / Will you be ready when I call your bluff?

What?? Seriously, what? These might be the two creepiest and least romantic questions of all time. Any woman in her right mind would slowly back away and possibly alert the authorities upon hearing this. Well, actually, she probably would have left the conversation about five minutes ago, but that's neither here nor there.

Is my timing right? / Did you save your love for me tonight?

Timing is the least of your problems. The second question is also extremely creepy. It sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer would ask his victim after he had him or her tied up in the basement.

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see / Feel the fever burning inside of me / Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot

"The fever" ...

Now it's up to you, can we make a secret rendezvous? / Oh, before we do, you'll have to get away from you know who

Jesus, this song is really weird. Does Lou Gramm already know this person? Up until now it seemed like he was addressing some random girl at a show. Who is "you know who"? So weird and creepy.

Hot blooded, every night / Hot blooded, you're looking so tight / Hot blooded, now you're driving me wild / Hot blooded, I'm so hot for you, child / Hot blooded, I'm a little bit high / Hot blooded, you're a little bit shy / Hot blooded, for your sweet sweet thing

Eeesh. The outro reaches an insane new crescendo of creepiness. It seriously sounds like he's talking about child molestation. I think I'm going to take this post and move it to my new blog, http://disconcertinglydementedlyrics.blogspot.com. Also, if any law-enforcement officers are reading this (unlikely), I would like to ask that you immediately take Mr. Lou Gramm into custody.