"Frosty the Snowman"

Hi everybody! I obviously have not had much time to unnecessarily analyze and mock pointless lyrics lately, much to the chagrine of my handful of readers. However, I have been getting into the Christmas spirit even more than usual lately, and thought this would be a good opportunity to question the logical validity of some of your various favorites, hopefully ruining them forever and ruining Christmas itself in the process! 

 

For the purpose of this exercise, we will posit that Christmas is awesome, and therefore all Christmas songs are also awesome and eligible for the special BLB treatment, except for "Carol of the Bells," which is a terrifying nightmare.

 

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal

 

Is his name "Frosty the Snowman" or is his name "Frosty" and he is a snowman? I always thought the former but the capitalization here indicates otherwise. Anyway, these lyrics are fine. They are describing a snowman.

 

Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow
But the children know how he came to life one day

 

"He was made of snow" seems like superfluous information. But, still fine. Christmas is a magical time of year, little kids are allowed to believe in insane nonsense that is obviously untrue, etc.

 

There must have been some magic in
That old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around, oh

 

Old Silk Hat sounds like an indie band or a small batch distillery run by hipsters. There's already a craft beer brewery called Magic Hat. "Frosty" reference?

Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be
And the children say, he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

 

OK, fine. Fun, inoffensive little Christmas carol. If the song ended here, it would be fine.

 

Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day
So he said, Let's run and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away

 

Uhhhh, OK ... First of all, running around would generally make you hotter. For people, at least. I have little to no knowledge of magical living snowman physiology. Couldn't we spend our time finding a walk-in freezer, or a cool cave, in which to preserve this wonderful miracle? Then we'd have lots more time to run and have fun on some future, colder, occasion. 

 

Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand
Runnin' here and there all around the square
Sayin', Catch me if you can

 

And now we are leaving some higher, presumably colder, altitude to go DOWN into the village. Not smart! A game of Tag or something ensues.

 

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler "Stop!"

 

Now we are blatantly disobeying the commands of law enforcement, which will earn this post the coveted and all-too-frequent "criminal activity" tag. Frosty might be a bad influence. Also, is the cop hollering "Stop!" because they are about to wander into oncoming traffic, or because he is justifiably shocked and horrified to see a living "snow-man" (who would obviously, to him, be a regular human disguised as a snowman, because a living snowman is insane nonsense) blithely wandering the streets with vulnerable children in tow? Either way, seems like good advice disregarded.

 

Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye, saying, "Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day"

 

Wait, what?! I thought we were just having a little fun before he melted. I guess this could be read as Frosty sparing the children the life-scarring horror of watching their favorite new friend melt into a puddle of water. But more likely, he was spooked by the newfound attention from the authorities, and is fleeing to try whatever despicable scheme he was planning in a different town where nobody knows him. And, what is he using to wave goodbye? I didn't notice anything about arms in these lyrics ... unless ... oh, Lord.

 

 Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Over the hills of snow

 

 

Thumpety thump? Thumpety thump?! What the fuck makes that noise when it walks? When it walks through SNOW, no less?! A goddamn elephant? An AT-AT Walker? What sort of monster are we dealing with here? Has anyone remade Frosty the Snowman as a horror movie yet? I suppose the closest thing would be the beloved 1997 film "Jack Frost," or possibly its chilling sequel titled "Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman," which might be in the running for most information ever revealed in the title of a movie.

OK, that's one perfectly fine holiday song ruined! What's next? Send suggestions to badlyrics@gmail.com. I'm off to "trim the tree," which in my house is a euphemism for drinking a fifth of whiskey and passing out on the bathroom floor while brushing your teeth.

Justin Timberlake -- "Rock Your Body"

Come on now, you now I couldn't do Britney without doing Justin.

Wait a minute, that sounds like a ... oh, never mind.

You know, I think I've said this before, but I really like Justin Timberlake. I find his SNL appearances consistently hilarious, I really unironically enjoy a lot of his music, and I've already spoken of how I appreciated his performance as Pilot Abilene in the movie Southland Tales. So, I guess I was sort of pleased to discover that the lyrics to his songs are not that bad. I mean, certainly it's not Wordsworth or anything, but on the whole they seem simple, heartfelt and inoffensive.

This song, then, is the exception that proves the rule! (Can anyone explain this saying to me? I've always felt that an exception would disprove the rule, not prove it. Is there some basis for saying this, or it just a little bit of nonsense that found its way into the vernacular? Please discuss in the comments section.)

Also, please indulge yourself by viewing the video for this song, in which Justin dances inside the Large Hadron Collider and propounds the theory of parallel universes around the 4-minute mark. This video must've caused quite a stir in the quantum mechanics community.

Not sure if this is the official video because there's a little part in the middle that isn't in the radio version of the song, but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself.

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me

This seems sort of desperate, doesn't it? Especially when he cries out "Please stay!" Come on, you're Justin Timberlake. You don't have to beg this girl to stay and dance with you.

You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / 'Til the break of day / Dance with me

I don't get the first line. She doesn't have to admit she wants to have sex with you, she can just dance with you? That doesn't make sense though, given that in the same breath you say you are going to "rock [her] 'til the break of day," which quite clearly means having sex all night.

Also, saying "'til the break of day" is a sweet pop music cliche to indicate the sexual prowess of the singer. Kudos for slipping this in there, Timberlake.

Got time, but I don't mind / Just wanna rock you girl / I'll have whatever you have / Come on, let's give it a whirl

"Got time, but I don't mind"? I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Just making small talk before he gets back to talking about rocking her body, I suppose.

See I've been watching you / And I like the way you move / So go ahead, girl, just do / That ass shaking thing you do

If Lou Gramm sang this shit I'd probably crucify him and leave his putrefying corpse to be pecked at by woodland creatures, but Justin Timberlake is just so cute! You go, Justin! (Swoon)

So you grab your girls / And you grab a couple more / And you all come meet me / In the middle of the floor

If she already grabbed her girls, does she really need to grab a couple more random ones too? Come on. Let's not get greedy now. How many people do we need in this clusterfuck? Britney? Any thoughts?

Said the air is thick, it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right

First line is kind of gross. Second one is about dancing. Justin Timberlake likes dancing. And sex. But not Britney. Right? I haven't read any of the tabloids lately. How's Bennifer doing?

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me / You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / Till the break of day / Dance with me

Seriously, though, you've probably seen his SNL skits, but if you haven't, please watch them, here and here. It's OK. I'll be right here.

I don't mean no harm / Just wanna rock you girl / You can move, but be calm / Let's go, let's give it a whirl

"You can move, but be calm"? This sounds like something a bank robber would say to one of his hostages.

See it appears to me / You like the way I move / I'll tell you what I'm gonna do / Pull you close and share my groove

The first two lines are funny if you imagine them being said by an elderly British gentleman, e.g. Ian McKellen or Patrick Stewart. Second two, not so funny. ... OK, I guess they're kind of funny too.

OK, now this song gets kind of complicated with different lyrics and vocalists overlapping and such. I think what I'll do is put any non-Timberlake lyrics in parentheses.

(Talk to me boy) / No disrespect, I don't mean no harm

I love the phrase "no disrespect." Check-plus. But, it should always be said in a New York and New Jersey accent. Check-minus.

(Talk to me boy) / I can't wait to have you in my arms / (Talk to me boy) / Hurry up cause you're takin' too long / (Talk to me boy) / Better have you naked by the end of this song

I've been led to believe that this whole rigamarole has been occurring in a public place, so I suppose that getting her naked by the end of the song would be grounds for arrest. Which mean, of course, that I can break out the "criminal activity" tag! I'm so excited, and I'm sure you are too.

So what did you come for / (I came to dance with you) / And you know that you don't want to hit the floor / (I came to romance with you)

Ah. I'm starting to rethink this song. Justin Timberlake's character may be a member of the mafia. The "no disrespect" line set off alarm bells, and now he appears to be coercing her into stating her affections through threats of physical violence.

You're searching for love forever more / (It's time to take a chance) / If love is here on the floor, girl

"Love is here on the floor?" Ewwwww.

Aaaand this goes on for some time, but without any really discernible alterations in the lyrics. Same words, different patterns. I think this song might actually be a sestina.

Eh, not really, but let's go out on a classy note since we were veering into vulgarity at times. Although, I guess I can't be blamed for being a little vulgar in a post about a guy who sang about sticking his dick in a box and banging his friend's mom.

Timberlake!

Mr. Big -- "To Be With You"

Apparently Mr. Big is huge in Japan. That's all I have to say by way of prologue, because I couldn't find any other interesting tidbits online.

Also, the Internet appears to have been scrubbed clean of the video for this song, so here's a live performance. Again, not much of interest here, except for one of the guitarists, who appears to wearing nothing but a pair of red skin-tight pants with the word "EVERYBODY" written on it multiple times. I'm not tech-savvy enough to post a screenshot but if you pause the video at the 0:29 mark you can get a good look. If anyone knows where this garment can be obtained, I would very much like to know about it.

Woot!

Hold on little girl / Show me what he's done to you / Stand up little girl / A broken heart can't be that bad

Dear boringly named lead singer Eric Martin,

This is a fairly patronizing tone to take when addressing a woman who seems to have little to no interest in you romantically. I suggest you refrain from calling her a "little girl" and instead emphasize her womanhood. Additionally, the advice that "a broken heart can't be that bad" is probably not what she wants to hear right now. Instead of trivializing her problems, I would recommend trying to empathize with her and show that you understand. Finally, try wearing no shirt and a pair of red skin-tight pants emblazoned with the word "EVERYBODY." I'm told the ladies really like this look. Especially Japanese ladies.

Best,
Miss Manners

When it's through, it's through / Fate will twist the both of you / So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to show you

What are you going to show her? Hmm? Is it ... YOUR PENIS??

I'm the one who wants to be with you / Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too

Hmm, what *exactly* is she going to feel deep inside of her? Hmmmmmm???? Could it be ... YOUR PENIS????

Note: The last two comments by me are much funnier if you read them in the Church Lady voice. Note #2: Not sure exactly why I chose to go in this direction here, but I'm gonna stick with it.

Waited on a line of greens and blues / Just to be the next to be with you

What precisely is green and blue? Could it be ... uh, OK, that doesn't work.

In fact, I have no clue what this lyric is supposed to be about. "A line of greens and blues"? Also, the idea of a man "waiting on a line" to be the next to be with a woman reminds me of this lovely woman who apparently slept with 620 men in one day, only to be thwarted by an even classier lady who went all the way to 919. (Is that really possible? The source of this information is the German newspaper "Die Welt," which was founded by Theodore Herzl and appears to be at least somewhat reputable. If you will it, it is no dream, I suppose.)

Build up your confidence / so you can be on top for once

Are we talking about sexual positions here? I think we are. This song is dirty, dirty, dirty!

Wake up, who cares about / Little boys that talk too much

Hmm, maybe the person to whom this song is addressed is, in fact, a little girl. "Creepiness" and "criminal activity" tags? I think so.

I've seen it all go down

"Go down." My mind is officially in the gutter.

Your game of love was all rained out

This might be in the top 10 worst lyrics out of all the songs I've posted. And it's not even a double entendre! Or ... wait a minute ... ewwwwwww.

So come on baby, come on over / Let me be the one to hold you

Break it down!

Why be alone when we can be together baby / You can make my life worthwhile / I can make you start to smile

Yes, that's right ... he can make you start to smile .... with ...








wait for it ...










HIS PENIS!!!!

Congratulations, people! We did it! Most vulgar post yet, narrowly edging out this one. Good night, Tokyo!

Ice Cube -- "It Was a Good Day"

We'll probably find ourselves back in the '80s soon enough, but today it's time to mix it up a little. If you don't enjoy reading lyrics that contain profanity and might be mildly offensive to some, please skip this entry. If you do enjoy reading lyrics that are awesomely bad, read on!

Here's the video -- I like it because it is basically just depictions of Ice Cube actually doing all the things that he talks about doing in the song. (The lyrics in the video are from the sanitized radio version.) Then at the very end, it takes a bizarre twist that I do not like. This also may be the only music video in history that ends with "TO BE CONTINUED."

I'm also fairly amused by Wikipedia's hilariously straightforward description of the song: "The song's music video and the lyrics itself tell the story of how Ice Cube has a good day in South Central Los Angeles. Throughout the song he enjoys playing basketball, having sex, smoking marijuana (significantly, the song is 4:20 in length), getting drunk, going to his friend Short Dog's house to watch Yo! MTV Raps and later win at Craps and Bones, eating fast food at 2 A.M., and cruising the streets of South Central undisturbed. He even sees the lights on the Goodyear blimp, which remind him that, 'Ice Cube's a Pimp.'"

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god / I don't know but today seems kinda odd / No barking from the dog, no smog / And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I don't get why having a breakfast "with no hog" qualifies this as a good day. Is Ice Cube Jewish? Does he just not like bacon? Did he just need a rhyme for "smog" and "dog"? Clearly he is not a vegetarian or on a diet, because later in the song he eats at Fatburger.

(Actually, after I wrote this I checked Wikipedia again and apparently Ice Cube is a Muslim, although it's unclear whether he had converted to Islam when this song came out. If this is a faith-based thing, though, does his momma normally cook pork products for breakfast, just to torment him?)

(UPDATE: I just realized that in this very lyric, Ice Cube thanks God ... if he were a Muslim when he wrote this, wouldn't he praise Allah instead? Or maybe he just wrote God into the lyrics to avoid controversy? Or maybe he used it for syllable- or rhyming-related reasons? The mind boggles.)

(UPDATE: One other thing, in the video when he says the line about no hog, there is a frying pan with bacon in it, and the bacon magically transmogrifies into something that looks like scrambled eggs. This doesn't really shed any light on the no-hog mystery, but it's funny. OK, I promise to stop talking about this.)

I got my grub on, but didn't pig out / Finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out / Hooked it up for later as I hit the door / Thinking will I live, another twenty-four

Urban Dictionary lists two definitions for "dig out": 1) to have sex with and 2) to leave somewhere. I will leave it up to your good judgement to decide which one applies here.

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top / And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop

I always assumed this was some kind of sexual metaphor, but based on the music video, I think he is actually talking about his car.

Had to stop at a red light / Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight / And everything is alright / I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

No comment on this delightful little quatrain, so it's time for fun facts!
Fun Fact: Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.
Fun Fact #2: Ice Cube is a cousin of Del tha Funkee Homosapien, an artist whose music I enjoy in an entirely unironic way. Even if you don't like hip-hop that much, I implore you to check out this album.

Called up the homies and Im askin' y'all / Which park are y'all playin basketball? / Get me on the court and I'm trouble / Last week fucked around and got a triple double / Freaking niggaz every way like M.J. / I can’t believe today was a good day

Ice Cube is the type of person who compiles his own statistics in his head while playing a pickup game. I do not want to play basketball with him.

Drove to the pad and hit the showers / Didn’t even get no static from the cowards / 'Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me / Saw the police and they rolled right past me / No flexin', didn’t even look in a nigga’s direction as I ran the intersection

I don't really get this part. Who are "the cowards"? Who tried to blast him? In the video the police roll up right when he says the "cowards" line, but it doesn't seem like he's talking about the police, since he references them two lines later. Is this just a generic term for people who don't like Ice Cube? My favorite interpretation is that there is a gang in South Central that calls themselves "The Cowards."

Went to Short Dog's house, they was watchin' Yo! MTV Raps / What’s the haps on the craps? / Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em / Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em / With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven / Seven even back door little joe

This is probably my least favorite part of the day. Watching MTV and playing craps sounds kind of boring. And re: the final line above, what the hell?

Also, I'm sure you don't care, but Short Dog is a rapper from a group called "Da Lench Mob" that I have never heard of.

I picked up the cash flow / Then we played bones, and I’m yellin' domino / Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., today was a good day

I have played dominoes a few times and have never heard of yelling "DOMINO!" but apparently it is a thing.

I don't know how this last line is supposed to be punctuated: He could be saying that people he knows got killed, just not in South Central L.A. ... or nobody he knows got killed, and it was a good day in South Central L.A.

Left my nigga's house paid / Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the twelve grade / It's ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic / The Lakers beat the Supersonics

This is where Mr. Cube definitely starts to run off the rails. First of all, this is the third different woman he has mentioned in the song (at least it seems like they're all different people). Are we expected to believe that he makes plans with, and has sex with, all three of them at different points during the day? I mean, I guess he can do whatever he wants during his imaginary "good day," but at least make it a little more plausible.

Also, why is it "ironic" that he had the brew and she had the chronic? Who cares what team the Lakers beat? This verse needs to be rewritten.

I felt on the big fat fanny / Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny / And my dick runs deep so deep so deep/ Put her ass to sleep

Um, yeah, so does this one.

Woke her up around one / She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun / Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting / Took another sip of the potion, hit the three-wheel motion

Three-wheel motion: "while driving a low rider, you make a fast turn and your car dips on one side thus having on wheel in the air" (sic)

I was glad everything had worked out / Dropped her ass off and then chirped out / Today was like one of those fly dreams / Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams

Chirp out: "to bounce, or leave a spot."
Hey there, Urban Dictionary, can you use that in a sentence for me?
"Yo ima chirp out n get my grub on."
OK! Sorry I asked!

Berry flashing those high beams: a police car trying to get a driver to pull over

No helicopter looking for a murder / Two in the morning got the Fatburger

Did Ice Cube commit a murder recently? Does he just not like the sound of helicopters?

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp / And it read "Ice Cube's a pimp"

This might be my favorite line in any song, ever.

Drunk as hell but no throwing up / Halfway home and my pager still blowing up / Today I didn't even have to use my AK / I gotta say it was a good day

I concur!

REO Speedwagon -- "Keep on Loving You"

First of all, check out this video and tell me that Kevin Cronin (who now apparently favors short spiky dyed-blond hair over this shaggy afro) doesn't look like some kind of goofy love child of Andy Samberg and Michael Showalter. Also, can anyone tell me what game the two band members are playing at about the 1:15 mark? It looks sort of fun.

Etc., etc.!

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby / There was somethin' missin'

I want to say right off the bat that this song is just entirely incoherent. When I started this post I could only really remember the chorus, and I was going to have such a good time making Viagra jokes (always comedy gold) and warning Kevin Cronin that he should potentially see a doctor, as I am wont to do. However, after reading and re-reading the two verses, I can honestly say that I really don't know what this is supposed to be about. It is definitely not about wanting to have sex all night, which meaning is what I had initially hoped for.

You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe / But you didn't listen

This is kind of vaguely threatening taken on its own. So, this song is definitely about a relationship gone bad. I can say that much for sure. Still a little dicey on the details though.

You played dead / But you never bled / Instead you lay still in the grass / All coiled up and hissin'

?!

I had no clue Cronin sang this here, but now every time I hear this part of the song I will giggle. And what are we talking about here? I'm tired. So, so tired.

And though I know all about those men / Still I don't remember / Cause it was us baby, way before then / And we're still together

What does it say about this song that I have literally no idea whether the last line should contain the word "were" or "we're"?

And I meant, every word I said / When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever

Actually, this lyric is not bad, just awesome. It almost makes me cry. Seriously. I don't care that the rest of the song makes very little sense and thus there is no context in which to place it. Just apply it to whatever personal situation you want to think of. I'm sure we all have lost loves of whom we often think, wondering how our lives would be had things only worked out differently ... hang on, I'm getting a call from my agent.

(ring, ring)

Hello? .... What do you mean, what am I doing? .... Yes, I'm aware that my blog is supposed to be humorous -- what are you trying to say? .... Well, I'm just feeling a little sentimental right now because I've been listening to REO Speedwagon over and over again, and there were some funny bits in the beginning anyway, weren't there? And how can you even read the post yet because I'm still .... I see. .... Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. .... Fuck you too! .... .... .... Yes, I'm still coming over for dinner on Thursday. Say hi to your mother for me.

Ahem! I'm back. What was I saying?

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you / Cause it's the only thing I wanna do / I don't wanna sleep / I just wanna keep on lovin you

(Attempts to summon the will to make amusing Viagra joke, bursts into tears, shuts down computer and runs sobbing out the front door)
(Tears off shirt in the middle of the street and reaches toward the sky a la Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption)
(Is immediately arrested)