Van Halen -- "Panama"

A man (David Lee Roth), a plan (violate the Geneva Conventions by mercilessly torturing car/sex metaphors), a canal (the place where my brain is broken from trying to analyze these lyrics) : PANAMA!!!

 

Jump back, what's that sound
Here she comes, full blast and top down

This song is from the album "1984" (helpfully released in the year 1984), and obviously the most provocative social commentary ever created about that particular year. Also included on this album is the hit single "Jump," which is a song about jumping. The members of Van Halen also enjoy jumping while on stage, as evidenced by the video for "Panama." It is possible that David Lee Roth is actually a kangaroo.

Are you all ready for a sexy fusillade of automotive metaphors?! The song is actually about a car, a car called Panama, or Panama Express or some shit, based on my admittedly perfunctory research, but it's also pretty clear that the car is actually a girl. Right? Or maybe the girl is driving a sweet car? And maybe, just maybe, she and David Lee Roth could have some sex inside of it?

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen zero discipline

 

Hot shoe! I have no idea what that means. Is she driving so fast and revving the engine so hard that her shoe is actually somehow getting warmer from the heat of the car? Or maybe Mr. Roth was trying to create a new catch phrase: "Did you see that new Prince video? Hot shoe!" I would be on board with that.

 

"Model citizen zero discipline" is just a hodgepodge of nonsense that I refuse to engage with. It also has nothing to do with cars. Get back to the cars, good sir! And the fucking! Don't forget about the fucking.

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Wait, who are you talking to? What does it mean to "lose her in the turn"? Are you describing some kind of chase scene?

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I really like the little guitar solo that leads into the chorus of this song. I also like that the chorus is just the word "Panama" shouted repeatedly. Awesome!

 

Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine
Got the feel for the wheel, keep the moving parts clean

 

OK, let's get disgusting up in here! What "moving parts" are we talking about here, you naughty little marsupial? What "wheel" does she "have the feel for"? Let's find out!

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom

 

They were sex parts! And the wheel is your penis! Yay! Time to get in the car-pool lane on this freeway of fucking and put our hazard lights on cruise control! Does that work as a metaphor? I've never had sex with a car before. Hot shoe!

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I have nothing else to say about this part, so how about some Van Halen fun facts courtesy of Wikipedia?

 

The Van Halen brothers (Eddie and Alex) are Dutch by birth, moved to California in 1962, and started a band called The Broken Combs in 1964, when they were both about 10. They changed their name to The Trojan Rubber Co. in 1972, then Genesis, which was not sustainable for obvious reasons, then Mammoth, and then Van Halen in 1974. I think I like The Broken Combs best of all those names, although Mammoth is pretty cool.

 

Nothing else I'm seeing here is really "fun."

 

Oh yeah, what about the thing with the M&Ms? Did you guys know the real story behind that? You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. Van Halen was notorious for requesting that venues they played put a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room with all the brown M&Ms removed. Some people viewed this as evidence that the band was crazy, or super quirky prima donnas, or just fucking with people. However, there was a method to the madness -- they figured (smartly) that this was a good way to figure out if the promoters were actually reading their requirements, some of which were extremely important for safety due to their elaborate stage show. So if they saw brown M&Ms, they would know they needed to inspect the other, more important details to see if everything had been done right. 

 

It is evident that David Lee Roth brought this same razor-sharp attention to detail to bear when writing his lyrics, which are 100% spot on and not even a little bit batshit crazy.

 

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it
Ah, you reach down, between my legs
Ease the seat back

 

Ewww ewww ewww gross gross.

 

Lots of things are hot in the song. A shoe is hot, David Lee Roth and his presumed lover are running hot, the road is hot. You know what else is hot? Panama, the country, with average highs in the upper 80s. You know what else is hot? Australia! And you know what lives in Australia. JUMP! 

 

She's blinding, I'm flying
Right behind the rear-view mirror now

 

Wha-wha-whaaaat?!

 
Got the feeling, power steering
Pistons popping, ain't no stopping now

 

Nice alliteration here. Also super gross.

 

Panama, Panama

Panama, Panama 

 

Thanks everybody! We'll be back with our next post in another 10 years-ish.

Men at Work -- "Who Can It Be Now?"

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Go away, don't come 'round here no more

Don't you even want to see who it is, Colin Hay? What if it's the ghost of Ed McMahon with a giant spectral check good for one thousand ghost-dollars? THEN WHAT?!?!

Can't you see that it's late at night? I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right

Eminently reasonable argument for not wanting company. I'm sure if you just get the door and explain to your mystery visitor that you are a little under the weather they will gladly --

All I wish is to be alone / Stay away, don't you invade my home

Oh, I see. You're not just in a solitary mood, but are actually suffering from some kind of mental illness. My mistake.

Best off if you hang outside / Don't come in - I'll only run and hide

I'm having trouble deciding whether Colin Hay is trying to present a serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia, or whether he is just trying to write a goofy song (remember, this is also the man who penned the eminently goofy "Down Under") that turns out more creepy than goofy.

More evidence for the "goofy" theory:
On the other hand, in the video, Colin seems to be doing his best to look insane, so I guess score one for "serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia," although his insane face is kind of more clownish than actually mentally disturbed.

I actually searched around on the Internet a little for some kind of canonical interpretation of this song, and the closest thing I could find was a random message board post claiming that Colin Hay once said this song was about trying to avoid bill collectors who would come to his door. The other two predominant theories were "mental illness" and "excessive masturbation," which is probably just a subcategory of mental illness anyway.

Who can it be now?

People whom it could be:

The mailman
A friendly neighbor
"The man," come to take Colin Hay away (see lyric below)
Tony Danza
Oprah
The friendly ghost of Ed McMahon
Colin Hay's mother
A kangaroo
The vengeful ghost of Ed McMahon, hungry for human flesh and/or great deals on quality publications such as "Boys' Life" and "Reader's Digest"*

* Apparently "Boys' Life" is meant for all boys, yet "Reader's Digest" is targeted at a specific reader, most likely Bob Burns of Windham, Conn.

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I'm bored.

If he hears, he'll knock all day / I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay

I thought it was late at night. Or did we skip ahead to a new visitor when we started the second verse? JUST ANSWER THE DOOR COLIN HAY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND --

I've done no harm, I keep to myself / There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health

I and this team of psychiatrists that I keep on call here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics (mostly for Lou Gramm-related purposes, but I find they are coming in handy more than I'd expected) would like to respectfully disagree.

I like it here with my childhood friend / Here they come, those feelings again!

What??

Who can it be now?

In the one minute and thirty-two seconds since you started singing about this, whomever it was has almost certainly departed.

Is it the man come to take me away? / Why do they follow me? / It's not the future that I can see / It's just my fantasy

I think these lines combined with the whole "childhood friend" creep-xtravaganza offer fairly strong evidence that Colin Hay is (awkwardly and poorly) trying to write a song about someone who is suffering from serious mental illness.

On the other hand,