Duran Duran -- "Notorious"

This song is just a brilliant melange of nonsense and I love it.

Notorious / Notorious/ No-no-notorious

Here we go! I hope you're all bristling with anticipation.

I can't read about it / Burns the skin from your eyes


Anyone see any skin in that diagram? No, me neither. Although, I suppose "burns the aqueous humor from your eyes" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

OK, so Simon LeBon can't read about it, whatever it is, because it singes off his eyelids, I guess ... or, more accurately, it singes off YOUR eyelids. That's right. You no longer have eyelids because Simon LeBon read about it. Sorry, pal. Good luck trying to blink anymore. NO-NO-NOTORIOUS!!!

I'll do fine without it / Here's one you don't compromise

Does this "it" refer to the same thing as the previous antecedent-less "it," or does it refer to the skin from his eyes?

Lies come hard to disguise / They need to fight it out / Not wild about it

These really are the least comprehensible lyrics I've ever seen, bar none, and that's saying something. Simon LeBon might as well have just dubbed the inscrutable cries of the humpback whale over this music. Actually, that would've been kind of cool.

Let's just sit back and enjoy Simon's descent into madness, shall we?

Lay your seedy judgements / Who says they're part of our lives?

Nobody says that. Nobody says "My seedy judgements are part of your lives." Nobody has ever said that. Except Judge Judy. Once. And I refuse to give Judge Judy any publicity on this blog. I'm a Judge Joe Brown man.

I guess the proper response if someone did inexplicably utter those nonsense words, however, would be "Lay your seedy judgements!" That's fairly self-evident.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business

For some reason, I think a lot of the lines in this song would be really funny if Harrison Ford said them in a movie. You know how Harrison Ford doesn't really act anymore, he just barks or growls his lines in a gruff, angry voice? Just imagine these lines as dialogue in a generic Harrison Ford thriller where he is trying to fight back against a corrupt system, or do the right thing against all odds in a world gone mad. Anyone with me here? No? OK, let's move on.

Harrison Ford: (growling) You own the money. You control the witness.
Corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator: (sneering) What are you gonna do about it?
Harrison Ford: (struggling to free himself from hired goons to lunge at corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator) (barking): DON'T MONKEY WITH MY BUSINESS!!!!

OK, now we can move on.

You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it

I don't know if LeBon says "prophets" or "profits" here -- they're homonyms. I can say with 100 percent confidence, though, that it doesn't matter which one he actually says.

These lines work well with that Harrison Ford thing, too. Just saying.

That's why I've done it again / No-no-notorious

What have you done again? And why have you done it? Is there any possible way to know? No. No. Notorious.

Girls will keep the secrets / So long as boys make a noise / Fools run rings to break up / Something they'll never destroy

That first verse was a motherfucking well-structured Socratic discourse compared to this gobbledygook.

Here comes the piece de resistance!

Grand Notorious slam (bam) / And who really gives a damn for a flaky bandit?

The only way the second line makes sense, and I mean the *only* way, is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Head & Shoulders commercial starring Burt Reynolds.

The only way the first line makes sense is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Denny's commercial, which also more than likely would've featured Burt Reynolds. Because, goddammit, say what you want about Burt Reynolds, but he moves merchandise!

Don't ask me to bleed about it / I need this blood to survive

Simon LeBon bravely takes a stand against the use of leeches for medical purposes, about a century too late.

OK, those are all the lyrics, but let's just take another jaunt through the chorus so we can once again bask in its total insanity.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business / You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it / That's why I've done it again / Notorious

You bet your sweet ass you've done it again, LeBon, you magnificent bastard!

Guns 'n' Roses -- "Welcome to the Jungle"

Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.

Hey, remember L.A. Guns?

So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.

"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."

Also, the jungle in this song is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.

And, I'm not actually drunk right now!

Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games

Sounds fun!

We got everything you want / Honey we know the names

Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades.

We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need

This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!

This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.

If you got the money, honey / We got your disease

Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I wanna watch you bleed

In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.

Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.

Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.

Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.

Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day

Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay."

If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay

She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.

By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.

And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please / You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free

I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?

And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Feel my, my, my, my serpentine / I, I wanna hear you scream

Eww eww eww eww eww.

(orgasmic noises)

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Welcome to the jungle / It gets worse here every day

British guy: I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.
Martha (in screechy voice): Tally ho!
British guy: Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!
Martha (still screechy): Tea and crumpets!
British guy: What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?
Tiger: (goes on mauling spree)

I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.

You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play

Just like Mowgli!

If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually / You can have anything you want / But you better not take it from me

See? He's Satan, right?

Or maybe Willy Wonka. I dunno.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I'm gonna watch you bleed

I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.

And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!

I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.

And, eww.

And, break it down, William Bruce!

You know where you are? / You're in the jungle, baby / You gonna die

Worst safari ever.