Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Scorpions -- "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Hey guys, aren't hurricanes awesome? Yeah, hurricanes! ROCK!!!

It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud

Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.

My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?

Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!

The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well

Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.

1) Hungry for sex!
2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.
3) Sexual reference.
4) Ibid.

More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show

This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.

Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Yes, and a hurricane. Right.

So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.

Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!

And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.

My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud

I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."

Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose

This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.

And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!

The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show

Klaus Meine: Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!
Woman: Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!
Klaus Meine: Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!
Woman: What?

He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting

Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, you've won this round!