Monday, June 22, 2009

Live -- "The Dolphin's Cry"

Can you hear the dolphin's cry?

Dolphins speak in whistles, "burst pulses," and clicks. Nothing really resembling a cry there. I demand that this song be rereleased as "The Dolphin's Click." Hmm, what rhymes with "click"?

Additionally, this tune includes these lyrics:

Life is like a shooting star / It don't matter who you are

Clearly stolen from "Pinocchio," of all places, and also bad.

.38 Special -- "Hold on Loosely"

These guys look they would've been fun to hang out with. However, I will still meticulously deconstruct their lyrics, which is kind of the opposite of fun.

Fun fact: .38 Special lead singer Donnie Van Zant is the brother of Lynyrd Skynyrd singer and Florida-born Alabama icon Ronnie Van Zant. A third Van Zant brother, Johnny, who rebelliously decided to spell his rhyming first name with a "y" instead of an "ie," now tours with the reunited Skynyrd. The Van Zants are to Southern rock singers as the Molinas are to major-league-baseball catchers. OK then! Now that everyone has lost interest, let's get started!

You see it all around you / Good lovin' gone bad / And usually it's too late when you realize what you had

Pretty standard stuff about lost love ... nothing to see here. Move along.

And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago

Note that Mr. Van Zant here acknowledges that he is the one who left.

Who told me, just hold on loosely, but don't let go / If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control

There's a lot going on here in the chorus. First of all, holding on loosely without actually letting go seems like a fine line to walk. (As, perhaps, is a relationship?) Clearly, the message is that we shouldn't smother our significant others. This is fine, but I have trouble reconciling this cautionary statement about clinging too tightly with the previous statement that he left. Did he accidentally hold on too loosely and ended up letting go? I'm kind of confused.

Your baby needs someone to believe in / And a whole lot of space to breathe in

Set a shining example for your partner through your actions, while also ignoring her to a large extent. Check.

It's so damn easy, when your feelings are such / To overprotect her, to love her too much ... Don't let her slip away / Sentimental fool / Don't let your heart get in her way

More mixed messages. Overprotection and "lov(ing) her too much" seem like consequences of clinging too tightly, while "let(ting) her slip away" would seemingly happen if one held on too loosely. "Don't let your heart get in her way" could be read any number of different ways. Damn you, Donnie Van Zant! Because you are a certified Rock and Roll Lyricist, I have naturally turned to you for relationship advice and instead have become entangled in some hellish cobweb of contradictory platitudes. I am tempted to tell you that your father, Lonnie Van Zant, never liked you and always preferred your brothers, Ronnie and Johnny.

And now, my impression of Donnie Van Zant teaching his daughter, little Bonnie Van Zant, how to fly a kite.

OK, so the key to flying a kite is to hold on loosely.
BVZ: Thanks, Daddy!
DVZ: Here we go ... no, you're clinging too tightly. Hold on loosely. No, too loose! You're going to let her slip away! No, too tight again!! You're overprotecting the kite and loving it too much! Give it some space to breathe in! What in the Sweet Home Alabama are you ....
Kite: (flies away)

Anyhoo, "Hold on Loosely" is a fantastic song. Try to keep it out of your head. I dare you.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Eddie Money -- "Take Me Home Tonight"

This is as good a place as any to get started, I suppose.

I feel a hunger / It's a hunger that tries to keep a man awake at night

Right off the bat, Mr. Money is having a little trouble. Here he assigns a curious motivation to the unfortunate human condition of hunger. Hunger does not try to keep a person awake at night, it is that person's brain's special way of telling the person that he or she will face extreme weakness or death if he or she does not consume nutrients. Next line!

Are you the answer? / I shouldn't wonder when I feel you whet my appetite

I take this as meaning that our hero is hungry for sexual intercourse and will engage in it thoughtlessly and indiscriminately. Going back to the "hunger" metaphor, this is the equivalent of not wondering whether drinking motor oil or eating live scorpions is "the answer" as long as it whets the appetite. (Which, admittedly, it may not.)

With all the power you're releasing / It isn't safe to walk the city streets alone

Our protagonist's unnamed paramour may actually be Marvel Comics supervillain Electro.

Anticipation is running through me / Let's find the key and turn this engine on

"The key" may refer to Viagra, or more likely some primitive version of the drug, since it didn't become available for more than a decade after this song was released. The "engine," naturally, is Eddie Money's penis.

I can feel you breathe / I can feel your heart beat faster

According to, rapid/deep breathing combined with a rapid heart rate could indicate, inter alia, supraventricular tachycardia (huh?), acute kidney failure (uh-oh), anemia (yikes), hyperthyroidism (sounds bad), cocaine abuse, or a drug overdose (hmmmmm). This woman should probably consult a physician.

Take me home tonight / I don't want to let you go till you see the light / Take me home tonight

When they get home, these two will engage in foreplay until she "sees the light," i.e., realizes that Eddie Money is a sleazy dirtbag who will fuck anything that moves (see above).

Listen honey / Just like Ronnie sang: Female vocal: Be my little baby!

"Ronnie" refers to Ronnie Spector. The relationship depicted in this song will most likely work out just about as well as Ronnie's relationship with her husband, Phil.

OK, this goes on for quite a while longer, but I think you get the point. Great song.