"Frosty the Snowman"

Hi everybody! I obviously have not had much time to unnecessarily analyze and mock pointless lyrics lately, much to the chagrine of my handful of readers. However, I have been getting into the Christmas spirit even more than usual lately, and thought this would be a good opportunity to question the logical validity of some of your various favorites, hopefully ruining them forever and ruining Christmas itself in the process! 

 

For the purpose of this exercise, we will posit that Christmas is awesome, and therefore all Christmas songs are also awesome and eligible for the special BLB treatment, except for "Carol of the Bells," which is a terrifying nightmare.

 

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal

 

Is his name "Frosty the Snowman" or is his name "Frosty" and he is a snowman? I always thought the former but the capitalization here indicates otherwise. Anyway, these lyrics are fine. They are describing a snowman.

 

Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow
But the children know how he came to life one day

 

"He was made of snow" seems like superfluous information. But, still fine. Christmas is a magical time of year, little kids are allowed to believe in insane nonsense that is obviously untrue, etc.

 

There must have been some magic in
That old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around, oh

 

Old Silk Hat sounds like an indie band or a small batch distillery run by hipsters. There's already a craft beer brewery called Magic Hat. "Frosty" reference?

Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be
And the children say, he could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

 

OK, fine. Fun, inoffensive little Christmas carol. If the song ended here, it would be fine.

 

Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day
So he said, Let's run and we'll have some fun
Now before I melt away

 

Uhhhh, OK ... First of all, running around would generally make you hotter. For people, at least. I have little to no knowledge of magical living snowman physiology. Couldn't we spend our time finding a walk-in freezer, or a cool cave, in which to preserve this wonderful miracle? Then we'd have lots more time to run and have fun on some future, colder, occasion. 

 

Down to the village with a broomstick in his hand
Runnin' here and there all around the square
Sayin', Catch me if you can

 

And now we are leaving some higher, presumably colder, altitude to go DOWN into the village. Not smart! A game of Tag or something ensues.

 

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler "Stop!"

 

Now we are blatantly disobeying the commands of law enforcement, which will earn this post the coveted and all-too-frequent "criminal activity" tag. Frosty might be a bad influence. Also, is the cop hollering "Stop!" because they are about to wander into oncoming traffic, or because he is justifiably shocked and horrified to see a living "snow-man" (who would obviously, to him, be a regular human disguised as a snowman, because a living snowman is insane nonsense) blithely wandering the streets with vulnerable children in tow? Either way, seems like good advice disregarded.

 

Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye, saying, "Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day"

 

Wait, what?! I thought we were just having a little fun before he melted. I guess this could be read as Frosty sparing the children the life-scarring horror of watching their favorite new friend melt into a puddle of water. But more likely, he was spooked by the newfound attention from the authorities, and is fleeing to try whatever despicable scheme he was planning in a different town where nobody knows him. And, what is he using to wave goodbye? I didn't notice anything about arms in these lyrics ... unless ... oh, Lord.

 

 Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump
Over the hills of snow

 

 

Thumpety thump? Thumpety thump?! What the fuck makes that noise when it walks? When it walks through SNOW, no less?! A goddamn elephant? An AT-AT Walker? What sort of monster are we dealing with here? Has anyone remade Frosty the Snowman as a horror movie yet? I suppose the closest thing would be the beloved 1997 film "Jack Frost," or possibly its chilling sequel titled "Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman," which might be in the running for most information ever revealed in the title of a movie.

OK, that's one perfectly fine holiday song ruined! What's next? Send suggestions to badlyrics@gmail.com. I'm off to "trim the tree," which in my house is a euphemism for drinking a fifth of whiskey and passing out on the bathroom floor while brushing your teeth.