Foreigner -- "Head Games"

Oh Lou Gramm, I have missed you like the cracked dry earth misses the rain.

So the Wikipedia entry for the album "Head Games" is short but yields a couple of delightful tidbits. First, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the album cover.


Yikes. That definitely is right in the running with the Scorpions' "Virgin Killer" for creepiest cover art featured on this blog. And at least the "Virgin Killer" cover is related to the title of the album ... in this case, it would seem Foreigner just really wanted to use a photo of a young girl squatting in a urinal despite the apparent absence of a connection to the title "Head Games." I guess a bathroom can be called a "head" so there is pun potential there, but whatever she's doing doesn't really look like it's part of a game. And why use the urinal when there's a row of seemingly unoccupied stalls right there? The mind reels.

Also: "In Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Head Games is one of the abilities of the Foreigner Belt. This ability allows the wearer to transform their victim's head into a game, possibly limited to Connect Four." Now that's comedy!

Here's the studio version of the song, or if you prefer, watch this rendition that may or may not be performed by a drunken Lou Gramm impersonator.

Daylight, alright

I really am loving the beginning of this song more and more every time I listen to it. The opening guitar riff is awesome and I appreciate how they just jump right into the hook rather than employ any kind of intro. It's cool. And the first line is nothing but "Daylight! Alright!" as if Lou Gramm is just bursting with happiness and ready to leap out of bed, sing with the bluebirds, and celebrate another glorious day of being alive. As we will soon see, though, this is not the case.

I don't know, I don't know if it's real / Been a long night and something ain't right / You won't show, you won't show how you feel

At this point (see previous Foreigner-related posts for details) I am highly -- highly -- distrustful of any claims that Lou Gramm makes about his relationship problems. I am strongly inclined to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow his fault.

No time ever seems right / To talk about the reasons why you and I fight

And yet, he really seems to be making an effort here. He wants to talk it out. Lou Gramm has seen the light! Hey, that rhymes with four other lines in the first two verses, and one line still to come! Alright!!

It's high time to draw the line / Put an end to this game before it's too late

That seems like a pretty good idea. Relationships are built on trust and communication, and it's better for the couple to put their cards on the table and talk through their problems rather than letting them fester. Lou Gramm is perfectly justified in his desire to bring this situation to a head, if you will.

Let's see how this plays out! Just for a change of pace, I'll pretend to be the object of old Lou's psychotic ramblings! Won't that be fun?

Head games, it's you and me baby

Hi, Lou. Yeah. Who else would it be?

Head games, and I can't take it anymore

This is unhelpful. What head games are you talking about? I'm happy to discuss this with you but you'll have to be a little more ...

Head games, I don't wanna play the head games

OK, Little Louie Lou-Pants, I understand you're frustrated and I want to try to talk this through ... if we could just ... are you listening to me? Louis?!

I daydream for hours it seems / I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you / These daydreams, what do they mean? / They keep haunting me, are they warning me?

I don't know if daydreams really have this effect on people. If he was talking about a regular REM-sleep-type dream, the last line makes perfect sense, but since daydreams are a product of your conscious mind, I don't know how they really haunt you or warn you of anything. Maybe Lou thinks a daydream is just a dream you have when you take a nap during the day?

Daylight turns into night / We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight

Phew. That was a long day. A long day of head games.

Let's play analogies! I've got one. Lou Gramm:O.J. Simpson::"the answer":the real killer. Wasn't that fun!?

It's always the same and you know who's to blame / You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'

I guess he's saying that she's to blame. Right? I don't know who else he would be referring to. Unless it's God. Is it God? That would be some dark shit.

Head games, that's all I get from you / Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, don't wanna play the head games

We've been over this already. Have we heard one concrete example of a "head game" yet? I don't think so. I'm very suspicious. As Lou Gramm might say, "something ain't right." Sherlock Holmes might also say that. If he was more like Lou Gramm, that is.

So near, so far away / We pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say / It's so clear, I'm sorry to say / But if you wanna win you gotta learn how to play

Uggghhhh. More vagueness. I'm about to pass out here.

Hey, what's up with the rhyme schemes in this song? Each verse seems to have a slightly different one. Oh, guess what I just remembered? I don't care.

Head games, always you and me, baby / Head games, 'till I can't take it anymore

There's no chance that the "head" in "head games" refers to Lou Gramm's penis, right? Just asking.

Head games, instead of makin' love

Ah. I think here we are finally getting at the crux of this sordid matter. Head games ... instead of making love.

Lou Gramm: Hey, baby! Welcome home! Let's make love!
Woman: Oh, Lou, can't we just sit down and talk a while first? I'm so tired and I just walked in the door.
Lou Gramm (clutching his head in dismay): Wooooaaaah! What are these head games you're playing with me, man? What a drag! Dullsville!
Lou Gramm: (embarks on a 36-hour spiritual journey fueled by drugs and disillusionment)
Woman: (shrugs shoulders) Here we go again!
(Canned laughter)
(Roll credits)

Head games, in the first degree / Head games, yeah, always you and me / Head games, why do you do it baby?

I like how Lou always saves his most nonsensical lyrics for the outro. (See "Hot Blooded.") It's like he thinks, hey, this song is pretty much over and probably doesn't need any more lyrics, but I have to sing something here at the end, right? Umm ... "Head games! In the first degree!" .... "That's gold!"

If you want to waste five perfectly good minutes playing "Head Games" of your own, try this out! So long, suckers!

Foreigner -- "I Want To Know What Love Is"

EDIT 9/5/09: As has been pointed out in the comments section, this song was actually written by Mick Jones, not Lou Gramm. So, I'm an idiot, and we can add this to the growing list of things for which I will need to apologize to Lou Gramm when we finally meet in the fiery depths of hell.

So as much as I've been enjoying this hypercritical but hopefully not mean-spirited analysis of lyrics that were written in good faith, I thought today we could try something a little different. I would like to "get real" with you, set aside this silliness for a while, and talk about something that affects us all: health care. Specifically, the reform bill currently being debated in Congress. Now bear with me, because this gets a little complicated. As I see it, the crux of the issue is --

Gotta take a little time / A little time to think things over

What the .... hold on a second.

(Muffled): Lou? Lou Gramm? What are you doing here? I see ... Well, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings but ... I mean, sure, I'd love to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but right now I'm in the middle of talking to these nice people about health care ... Can you come back tomorrow? ... OK. OK. See you then.

Hey, everyone! Sorry about that. So, as I was saying, the first thing we have to do in order to fix the health-care system is --

Better read between the lines / In case I need it when I’m older

Christ. Sorry, everyone. Just a minute. I'm really sorry about this.

(Muffled): Lou? What's going on? I thought we agreed that ... (sigh) ... OK, if I let you do this one song, you promise to go home? OK. C'mon over here.

Me: OK, everyone, I'm back, and we have a special surprise for you ... a personal visit from an Awesomely Bad Lyrics favorite, Mr. Lou Gramm himself!
Lou Gramm (talking like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street for some reason): Hi, everybody.
Me: Lou wanted to come by and give us an example of some of the *good* lyrics he's written, so he'll be favoring us with a very special performance of "I Want To Know What Love Is"! Take it away!
Lou Gramm: O-kay. Here I go.

Now this mountain I must climb / Feels like the world upon my shoulders / Through the clouds I see love shine / It keeps me warm as life grows colder

(Gritting teeth, smiling politely)

In my life there’s been heartache and pain / I don’t know if I can face it again / Can't stop now, I’ve traveled so far / To change this lonely life

OK, OK, hold on a second. Lou? Don't take this the wrong way, but can I give you just a little friendly advice? See, there's this concept in writing of *showing* the reader something rather than *telling* him. You started out OK there, some good images of a mountain, a weight on your shoulders, a bright warm light. (You were mixing your metaphors and similes, but we'll just leave that alone for now.) But then, Lou ... Lou, Lou, Lou ... the little pre-chorus here is basically the equivalent of climbing to the top of this mountain that you have built out of words and jumping up and down and yelling "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M SAD! I HAVE HEARTACHE AND PAIN! LOOK AT ME!!"

Oh no ... Lou, I'm sorry! Come back, Lou ... oh dear. He's hiding under the refrigerator again.

I wanna know what love is / I want you to show me / I wanna feel what love is / I know you can show me

Yay! Go Lou! Huzzah! Three cheers!

I’m gonna take a little time / A little time to look around me / I’ve got nowhere left to hide / It looks like love has finally found me

Ahem. Listen. Louie boy. Old buddy, old pal. I really like this song. I even sort of the like the first half of the video because it seems like a nice portrayal of quiet desperation and yearning, and I am willing to ignore the fact that about halfway through it becomes totally bizarre and corny and includes more black people than have probably ever attended an actual Foreigner concert.

On the other hand, what are you talking about?

Here are the CliffsNotes for this song thus far: "I'm climbing a mountain to find love, which makes me warm. But I don't know if I can face it because I was sad once. But I've traveled so far to find love. Now I'm going to try to hide. But I can't. Looks like love has finally found me!"

Fun fact! Lou Gramm (and his female backup singer) say the word "love" 18 times during this five-minute opus.

Me: OK, Lou, sorry to interrupt again. Go ahead and finish up for us.
Lou Gramm: (has long since fled in tears)

Foreigner -- "Cold As Ice"

I hate to do two Foreigner songs so close together because there so many other bands out there just begging for the treatment, but I thought this would work well in tandem with "Hot Blooded." Don't despair, there are plenty of other Foreigner jams out there to get us through those long cold winter nights.

Fun facts: Foreigner was originally known as "Trigger," and our old buddy Lou Gramm was originally known as "Louis Grammatico."

Now, take a gander at Signore Grammatico in this 1993 video, and then feast your eyes on the updated version of ol' Louie G ....












Oh, my. Look at that penetrating stare. That disdainful sneer. It's almost as if he's got no soul. In fact, it's almost like he's as cold as .... something .... it's on the tip of my tongue ....










You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love

Yeah, that's it.

So first of all, it always has tickled me that Foreigner sings both "Hot Blooded" and "Cold as Ice." The two songs have a kind of internal logic, too, when taken together -- it makes perfect sense that a dude with a "fever of 103" would pretty much think any human with a normal body temperature was "as cold as ice." Check-plus on internal logic for Mr. Louseph Grammstein! Check-minus-minus for the rest of this song.

You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know

This sounds like a threat. Also, I cannot blame this woman for declining to take advice from a man whose borderline-psychotic ramblings disturbed me to the point that I called for his arrest and/or hospitalization.

I've seen it before, it happens all the time / You're closing the door, you leave the world behind

I like how rock lyricists so often feel the need to demonstrate their worldliness by telling us how often they have seen relationships fail. Everyone knows that relationships fail. We want to know *why* they fail and how we can cope. I'm also fairly sure that this relationship is not failing because one partner is "leaving the world behind," but rather because she is leaving Mr. Gramm behind as retribution for his creepy attempts at philandering.

Naturally, Lou copes by throwing out wild accusations and threats.

You're digging for gold, you're throwing away / A fortune in feelings, but someday you'll pay

Thanks, Lou! See you in December.

Foreigner -- "Hot Blooded"

Yippee!!!

Please have a seat ... we're going to be here for a while.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see / I got a fever of a hundred and three

a) I don't think I want to know what "it" is.
b) I've said it before and I'll say it again: Please consult a physician at once!

Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

Asking a woman if she "do(es) more than dance" would be incredibly insulting, in my opinion. However, if followed by repeated statements that one is "hot blooded," the woman would probably be less insulted than concerned about your mental health. Please consult a psychiatrist, Lou Gramm.

You don't have to read my mind, to know what I have in mind

... Because I am about to tell you in explicit, juvenile, and frightening detail.

Honey you oughta know / Now you move so fine, let me lay it on the line / I wanna know what you're doin' after the show

OK, Mr. Gramm, you've "la(id) it on the line" and she's clearly not interested. Why don't you just lay down for a bit and let's see if that fever will go down a little ... oh, you're going to take the insanity up a notch instead? I see.

Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous / Just me and you, I'll show you lovin' like you never knew

"You see, I am in possession of a pornographic 'video-tape' containing images of man and beast performing unspeakable acts on each other. Interested? Yes? No? Hmm?"

Also, why the sudden need for secrecy? I'm confused.

If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night / Shall I leave you my key?

Um, Mr. Gramm, I believe the way it works is that the lady is supposed to give you *her* key. Unless, of course, by "key," you mean ... oh.

But you've got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign / Tell me, are you hot, mama? You sure look that way to me

I think if you haven't received a sign by now, she's probably not that interested. Also, she may appear hot because you have a dangerously high body temperature and are hallucinating. Please see a doctor, Lou Gramm. I have my car right here. I'd be happy to take you to the emergency room. Oh, sorry, you're not done?

Are you old enough? / Will you be ready when I call your bluff?

What?? Seriously, what? These might be the two creepiest and least romantic questions of all time. Any woman in her right mind would slowly back away and possibly alert the authorities upon hearing this. Well, actually, she probably would have left the conversation about five minutes ago, but that's neither here nor there.

Is my timing right? / Did you save your love for me tonight?

Timing is the least of your problems. The second question is also extremely creepy. It sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer would ask his victim after he had him or her tied up in the basement.

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see / Feel the fever burning inside of me / Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot

"The fever" ...

Now it's up to you, can we make a secret rendezvous? / Oh, before we do, you'll have to get away from you know who

Jesus, this song is really weird. Does Lou Gramm already know this person? Up until now it seemed like he was addressing some random girl at a show. Who is "you know who"? So weird and creepy.

Hot blooded, every night / Hot blooded, you're looking so tight / Hot blooded, now you're driving me wild / Hot blooded, I'm so hot for you, child / Hot blooded, I'm a little bit high / Hot blooded, you're a little bit shy / Hot blooded, for your sweet sweet thing

Eeesh. The outro reaches an insane new crescendo of creepiness. It seriously sounds like he's talking about child molestation. I think I'm going to take this post and move it to my new blog, http://disconcertinglydementedlyrics.blogspot.com. Also, if any law-enforcement officers are reading this (unlikely), I would like to ask that you immediately take Mr. Lou Gramm into custody.