Justin Timberlake -- "Rock Your Body"

Come on now, you now I couldn't do Britney without doing Justin.

Wait a minute, that sounds like a ... oh, never mind.

You know, I think I've said this before, but I really like Justin Timberlake. I find his SNL appearances consistently hilarious, I really unironically enjoy a lot of his music, and I've already spoken of how I appreciated his performance as Pilot Abilene in the movie Southland Tales. So, I guess I was sort of pleased to discover that the lyrics to his songs are not that bad. I mean, certainly it's not Wordsworth or anything, but on the whole they seem simple, heartfelt and inoffensive.

This song, then, is the exception that proves the rule! (Can anyone explain this saying to me? I've always felt that an exception would disprove the rule, not prove it. Is there some basis for saying this, or it just a little bit of nonsense that found its way into the vernacular? Please discuss in the comments section.)

Also, please indulge yourself by viewing the video for this song, in which Justin dances inside the Large Hadron Collider and propounds the theory of parallel universes around the 4-minute mark. This video must've caused quite a stir in the quantum mechanics community.

Not sure if this is the official video because there's a little part in the middle that isn't in the radio version of the song, but if you don't like it, go fuck yourself.

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me

This seems sort of desperate, doesn't it? Especially when he cries out "Please stay!" Come on, you're Justin Timberlake. You don't have to beg this girl to stay and dance with you.

You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / 'Til the break of day / Dance with me

I don't get the first line. She doesn't have to admit she wants to have sex with you, she can just dance with you? That doesn't make sense though, given that in the same breath you say you are going to "rock [her] 'til the break of day," which quite clearly means having sex all night.

Also, saying "'til the break of day" is a sweet pop music cliche to indicate the sexual prowess of the singer. Kudos for slipping this in there, Timberlake.

Got time, but I don't mind / Just wanna rock you girl / I'll have whatever you have / Come on, let's give it a whirl

"Got time, but I don't mind"? I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. Just making small talk before he gets back to talking about rocking her body, I suppose.

See I've been watching you / And I like the way you move / So go ahead, girl, just do / That ass shaking thing you do

If Lou Gramm sang this shit I'd probably crucify him and leave his putrefying corpse to be pecked at by woodland creatures, but Justin Timberlake is just so cute! You go, Justin! (Swoon)

So you grab your girls / And you grab a couple more / And you all come meet me / In the middle of the floor

If she already grabbed her girls, does she really need to grab a couple more random ones too? Come on. Let's not get greedy now. How many people do we need in this clusterfuck? Britney? Any thoughts?

Said the air is thick, it's smelling right / So you pass to the left and you sail to the right

First line is kind of gross. Second one is about dancing. Justin Timberlake likes dancing. And sex. But not Britney. Right? I haven't read any of the tabloids lately. How's Bennifer doing?

Don't be so quick to walk away / Dance with me / I wanna rock your body / Please stay / Dance with me / You don't have to admit you wanna play / Dance with me / Just let me rock you / Till the break of day / Dance with me

Seriously, though, you've probably seen his SNL skits, but if you haven't, please watch them, here and here. It's OK. I'll be right here.

I don't mean no harm / Just wanna rock you girl / You can move, but be calm / Let's go, let's give it a whirl

"You can move, but be calm"? This sounds like something a bank robber would say to one of his hostages.

See it appears to me / You like the way I move / I'll tell you what I'm gonna do / Pull you close and share my groove

The first two lines are funny if you imagine them being said by an elderly British gentleman, e.g. Ian McKellen or Patrick Stewart. Second two, not so funny. ... OK, I guess they're kind of funny too.

OK, now this song gets kind of complicated with different lyrics and vocalists overlapping and such. I think what I'll do is put any non-Timberlake lyrics in parentheses.

(Talk to me boy) / No disrespect, I don't mean no harm

I love the phrase "no disrespect." Check-plus. But, it should always be said in a New York and New Jersey accent. Check-minus.

(Talk to me boy) / I can't wait to have you in my arms / (Talk to me boy) / Hurry up cause you're takin' too long / (Talk to me boy) / Better have you naked by the end of this song

I've been led to believe that this whole rigamarole has been occurring in a public place, so I suppose that getting her naked by the end of the song would be grounds for arrest. Which mean, of course, that I can break out the "criminal activity" tag! I'm so excited, and I'm sure you are too.

So what did you come for / (I came to dance with you) / And you know that you don't want to hit the floor / (I came to romance with you)

Ah. I'm starting to rethink this song. Justin Timberlake's character may be a member of the mafia. The "no disrespect" line set off alarm bells, and now he appears to be coercing her into stating her affections through threats of physical violence.

You're searching for love forever more / (It's time to take a chance) / If love is here on the floor, girl

"Love is here on the floor?" Ewwwww.

Aaaand this goes on for some time, but without any really discernible alterations in the lyrics. Same words, different patterns. I think this song might actually be a sestina.

Eh, not really, but let's go out on a classy note since we were veering into vulgarity at times. Although, I guess I can't be blamed for being a little vulgar in a post about a guy who sang about sticking his dick in a box and banging his friend's mom.

Timberlake!

Foreigner -- "Head Games"

Oh Lou Gramm, I have missed you like the cracked dry earth misses the rain.

So the Wikipedia entry for the album "Head Games" is short but yields a couple of delightful tidbits. First, I would be remiss if I didn't share with you the album cover.


Yikes. That definitely is right in the running with the Scorpions' "Virgin Killer" for creepiest cover art featured on this blog. And at least the "Virgin Killer" cover is related to the title of the album ... in this case, it would seem Foreigner just really wanted to use a photo of a young girl squatting in a urinal despite the apparent absence of a connection to the title "Head Games." I guess a bathroom can be called a "head" so there is pun potential there, but whatever she's doing doesn't really look like it's part of a game. And why use the urinal when there's a row of seemingly unoccupied stalls right there? The mind reels.

Also: "In Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Head Games is one of the abilities of the Foreigner Belt. This ability allows the wearer to transform their victim's head into a game, possibly limited to Connect Four." Now that's comedy!

Here's the studio version of the song, or if you prefer, watch this rendition that may or may not be performed by a drunken Lou Gramm impersonator.

Daylight, alright

I really am loving the beginning of this song more and more every time I listen to it. The opening guitar riff is awesome and I appreciate how they just jump right into the hook rather than employ any kind of intro. It's cool. And the first line is nothing but "Daylight! Alright!" as if Lou Gramm is just bursting with happiness and ready to leap out of bed, sing with the bluebirds, and celebrate another glorious day of being alive. As we will soon see, though, this is not the case.

I don't know, I don't know if it's real / Been a long night and something ain't right / You won't show, you won't show how you feel

At this point (see previous Foreigner-related posts for details) I am highly -- highly -- distrustful of any claims that Lou Gramm makes about his relationship problems. I am strongly inclined to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow his fault.

No time ever seems right / To talk about the reasons why you and I fight

And yet, he really seems to be making an effort here. He wants to talk it out. Lou Gramm has seen the light! Hey, that rhymes with four other lines in the first two verses, and one line still to come! Alright!!

It's high time to draw the line / Put an end to this game before it's too late

That seems like a pretty good idea. Relationships are built on trust and communication, and it's better for the couple to put their cards on the table and talk through their problems rather than letting them fester. Lou Gramm is perfectly justified in his desire to bring this situation to a head, if you will.

Let's see how this plays out! Just for a change of pace, I'll pretend to be the object of old Lou's psychotic ramblings! Won't that be fun?

Head games, it's you and me baby

Hi, Lou. Yeah. Who else would it be?

Head games, and I can't take it anymore

This is unhelpful. What head games are you talking about? I'm happy to discuss this with you but you'll have to be a little more ...

Head games, I don't wanna play the head games

OK, Little Louie Lou-Pants, I understand you're frustrated and I want to try to talk this through ... if we could just ... are you listening to me? Louis?!

I daydream for hours it seems / I keep thinkin' of you, yeah, thinkin' of you / These daydreams, what do they mean? / They keep haunting me, are they warning me?

I don't know if daydreams really have this effect on people. If he was talking about a regular REM-sleep-type dream, the last line makes perfect sense, but since daydreams are a product of your conscious mind, I don't know how they really haunt you or warn you of anything. Maybe Lou thinks a daydream is just a dream you have when you take a nap during the day?

Daylight turns into night / We try and find the answer but it's nowhere in sight

Phew. That was a long day. A long day of head games.

Let's play analogies! I've got one. Lou Gramm:O.J. Simpson::"the answer":the real killer. Wasn't that fun!?

It's always the same and you know who's to blame / You know what I'm sayin', still we keep on playin'

I guess he's saying that she's to blame. Right? I don't know who else he would be referring to. Unless it's God. Is it God? That would be some dark shit.

Head games, that's all I get from you / Head games, and I can't take it anymore
Head games, don't wanna play the head games

We've been over this already. Have we heard one concrete example of a "head game" yet? I don't think so. I'm very suspicious. As Lou Gramm might say, "something ain't right." Sherlock Holmes might also say that. If he was more like Lou Gramm, that is.

So near, so far away / We pass each other by 'cause we don't know what to say / It's so clear, I'm sorry to say / But if you wanna win you gotta learn how to play

Uggghhhh. More vagueness. I'm about to pass out here.

Hey, what's up with the rhyme schemes in this song? Each verse seems to have a slightly different one. Oh, guess what I just remembered? I don't care.

Head games, always you and me, baby / Head games, 'till I can't take it anymore

There's no chance that the "head" in "head games" refers to Lou Gramm's penis, right? Just asking.

Head games, instead of makin' love

Ah. I think here we are finally getting at the crux of this sordid matter. Head games ... instead of making love.

Lou Gramm: Hey, baby! Welcome home! Let's make love!
Woman: Oh, Lou, can't we just sit down and talk a while first? I'm so tired and I just walked in the door.
Lou Gramm (clutching his head in dismay): Wooooaaaah! What are these head games you're playing with me, man? What a drag! Dullsville!
Lou Gramm: (embarks on a 36-hour spiritual journey fueled by drugs and disillusionment)
Woman: (shrugs shoulders) Here we go again!
(Canned laughter)
(Roll credits)

Head games, in the first degree / Head games, yeah, always you and me / Head games, why do you do it baby?

I like how Lou always saves his most nonsensical lyrics for the outro. (See "Hot Blooded.") It's like he thinks, hey, this song is pretty much over and probably doesn't need any more lyrics, but I have to sing something here at the end, right? Umm ... "Head games! In the first degree!" .... "That's gold!"

If you want to waste five perfectly good minutes playing "Head Games" of your own, try this out! So long, suckers!

Poison -- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Thanks to faithful readers Steveo and Amy for this recommendation. Here's a link to the video -- it's rather benign save for a few gratuitous girl-lying-in-bed-in-her-underwear shots and a too-scantily-clad Bret Michaels.

Fun fact! Poison's Web site is www.poisonweb.com, which in addition to sounding like a fan site for black widow spiders, answers the age-old question of what one gets at a Poison concert. The answer? "Passion! Fun! Fury! Intensity! All in all, you get what you get at a Poison concert!" That last sentence earns this post the coveted "logical fallacies" tag. And, I don't know why anyone would ever ask what they do not get at a Poison concert, but the band unhelpfully explains that "(y)ou get no predictability and Poison likes it that way!" I can make one prediction: You will get some awesomely bad lyrics if the band plays "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," although there is, of course, no way to predict if they will (hint: they will).

We both lie silently still / In the dead of the night / Although we both lie close together / We feel miles apart inside

I like the ominous ticking clock and rolling thunder that lead into this opening verse. Very dramatic.

Was it something I said or something I did / Did my words not come out right? / Though I tried not to hurt you / Though I tried

I'm sure you tried really hard, Bret. Your track record with relationships is pretty stellar, after all. *cough*rock of love*cough* Who said that?

But I guess that’s why they say / Every rose has its thorn / Just like every night has its dawn / Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song / Every rose has its thorn

So let me get this analogy straight. Rose:night::thorn:dawn? Sooo ... the rose is supposed to be the good thing and the thorn the bad thing. I feel fairly confident in that. So, by that logic, the night is good and the dawn is ... bad? So you're telling me I spent all that time on your stupid black widow spider Web site trying to find a logical fallacy when it was right here in the lyrics all along?!?! Arrrgh.

Also, does every cowboy sing a sad, sad song? Really? Every single cowboy? What about this guy?He wrote "Here Comes Santa Claus" AND "Frosty the Snowman" AND "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," for Jeff's sake. If those are sad, sad songs, then you are clearly not Bret Michaels, but in fact the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. He is also quite clearly a cowboy ... apparently, "Public Cowboy #1," even.

Yeah it does

It does?!

I listen to our favorite song / Playing on the radio / Hear the DJ say love’s a game of easy come and easy go / But I wonder does he know / Has he ever felt like this

Yeah, he probably has. Unless he is like 8 years old or something. Hey, Bret Michaels, I have an idea. You should talk to my good pal Lou Gramm. He told me that in his life, he has had heartache and pain. Or maybe my BFF Steve Perry. He's kinda caught between confusion and pain right now. They can sympathize with you. And when you're ready to move on, give my longtime fuck-buddy Richard Page a call. He can help you get on with your life. See? Isn't this easy? Maybe one day you will even go on to host a TV show in which 20 skanky women debase themselves for your unique affections. (Disclaimer: I have not actually ever seen "Rock of Love," so this may not be an accurate representation.)

And I know that you’d be here right now / If I could have let you know somehow

If there was only some way for men to let women know how they feel, other than writing cheesy, overwrought power ballads. It's like that Simpsons episode in which a team of polar expeditionaries march into the Kwik-E-Mart with bags of ice and tell Apu that they lost four more men on that particular journey, to which Apu replies, "If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it!"

Though it’s been a while now / I can still feel so much pain / Like the knife that cuts you, the wound heals / But the scar, that scar remains

Bret Michaels: Guys, guys, let's get serious! Stop making those endangered pandas take shots of Jagermeister and help me with these lyrics. I need a simile for something that, like, cuts you.
C.C. Deville: Uhhh ... a balloon?
Ricki Rockett: A candy bar!
Bret Michaels: No, no, no, come on, guys. Well, I guess this is why I'm the lyricist. Better put on my thinking cap.
(Fade out to a shot of large clocks with hands turning rapidly, indicating the passage of time. Fade back in to Bret Michaels, surrounded by empty cups of coffee, crumpled scraps of paper, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, sporting a two-day beard.)
Bret Michaels: I've got it! A knife!
Endangered Panda: (in a British accent) Good show, old chap!!

Also, the wound heals like the knife that cuts you? How does that make sense?

I know I could have saved our love that night / If I’d known what to say / Instead of making love / We both made our separate ways

I see you beat me to the punch on that whole talking-to-Steve-Perry thing.

But now I hear you found somebody new / And that I never meant that much to you / To hear that tears me up inside / And to see you cuts me like a knife

Really? Going back to the old "cuts like a knife" simile again? You just used it two verses ago, and it was bad the first time. For shame, Bret Michaels. I hope your piles of money and thousands of women willing to have sex with you at the drop of a hat help you sleep at night. What's that? They do? Oh. OK then.

Boston -- "Amanda"

So I was all set to write a post on a different song, but then Pandora in all its genius decided to play this tune, and inspiration struck. I have to admit I had only heard this song once or twice before, but I love it, and I hate the lyrics, and isn't that what this blog is all about?* (Fyi, the following song on Pandora was "Care of Cell 44" by the Zombies, and is awesome and not at all bad, and you should all listen to it, and also listen to the whole Odessey and Oracle [sic] album. I may or may not provide Pandora updates throughout this post as events warrant.)

*Yes

So, Boston. Great city, great band, terrible lyrics.

Babe, tomorrow’s so far away / There’s something I just have to say / I don’t think I can hide what I’m feeling inside /Another day, knowing I love you

Blurgh. Seriously, can lyrics be any more cliched than this? "I don't think I can hide what I'm feeling inside?" Tom Scholz was nearly 40 when this song was released. These lyrics sound like they were written by a shy 13-year-old who is wondering whether he should ask Amanda to dance at the junior high after-school mixer.

Note: Tom Scholz sounds like a really great guy. According to Wikipedia, he is a vegetarian, supports organizations such as PETA and Greenpeace, and started his own charitable foundation in order to support such causes as animal protection, homeless shelters, food banks, children's rights, and stopping world hunger. Also, he lives in Boston, the greatest city in the world.

Note: Lead singer Brad Delp was also a vegetarian and owns 7 of the 10 top links from a Google search for "nicest guy in rock n roll." (Two of the other three are about Ozzy Osbourne.) Delp committed suicide in 2007 (apparently on Tom Scholz's birthday?)

I continue this post with a heavy heart.

And I, I’m getting too close again / I don’t want to see it end / If I tell you tonight, would you turn out the lights? / Walk away knowing I love you?

PANDORA UPDATE! "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley. Awesomely bad or just awesome? That's for the courts to decide.

Fair warning: Tom Scholz is going to pose a lot of questions to Amanda in this song. They are mostly the kind of questions you would imagine asking a person that you are in love with, but you are such an incredible pussy that you would never do so. That's right, Tom Scholz, you heard me.

I can tell you, my love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone

Oops, sorry.

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda

Tom Scholz: "Surprise, I love you!"
Amanda: "Oh, that's so sweet, Tom, but I value our friendship so much that I would never want to ruin it."
Tom Scholz: (breaking into a cold sweat) "Oh yeah, that's totally cool! I ... er ... yeah ... I mean ... what I meant was ... I love ... your new sweater! Really nice. Where'd you get it? I think I need to go home."

I’m gonna tell you right away, I can’t wait another day, Amanda / I’m gonna say it like a man and make you understand, Amanda / I love you

Pussy. Why can't you be more like Lou Gramm, lasciviously attempting to force yourself on any underage girl who happens to glance in your direction? What is so special about this "Amanda" person? She sounds like a real cooze to me.

And I feel like today’s the day / Looking for the words to say

I probably would've really liked these lyrics when I was in the 8th grade and really had a crush on this girl but couldn't tell her about it (because I was incredibly socially awkward and 12 years old and had pretty much NO CHANCE anyway, but I still fantasized about telling her, of course). There were probably a lot of days that I felt like were "the day," but it still took FIVE YEARS to tell her anything, and even then it was in the most awkward way possible, and didn't lead to anything, and ... uh ... what was my point going to be here?

Do you wanna be free, are you ready for me?

Another question.

(Fun fact! This song was Boston's only #1 hit. "More Than a Feeling" only reached #2. This may be the greatest injustice in American history. Sorry, Martin Luther King Jr.! Better luck next time.)

To feel this way / I don’t wanna lose ya / So, it may be too soon, I know / The feeling takes so long to grow

Not sure what is going on here. My best guess is that Amanda is dating someone else, and Tom Scholz thinks he is no good for her, and that he would be so much better because really Appreciates Her For Who She Is and would always Show Her Respect and never Talk To Her The Way He Does and she could totally Do Better Than Him, all of which are really boring.

If I tell you today, will you turn me away? / And let me go? / I don't wanna lose you

More questions.

PANDORA UPDATE! "Pink Bullets," by the Shins, a good band to check out if you are interested in good lyrics and generally just overall goodness. (Also, in between Don Henley and the Shins, Pandora played not one by TWO Depeche Mode songs ... nothing against Depeche Mode, but I don't think I've ever given Pandora reason to believe that I would like them to be in such heavy rotation.)

And one other thing while I'm on the topic of Pandora -- I have derived a very simple equation: "Journey Radio" Pandora station + alcohol + a good group of people = an instantly awesome party. Just try it. You will thank me. I promise.

Was I commenting on a song here? Tom Scholz? What's going on?

(awesome guitar solo)

(rocking out)

I’m gonna take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda / I’m gonna tell you right away, I can’t wait another day, Amanda

If a less milquetoast person was writing these lyrics, I would be tempted to use the "creepiness" tag in re: the "take you by surprise" line.

I’m gonna say it like a man and make you understand, Amanda

Possible ways to "say it like a man":

1) With your dick hanging out
2) In a really deep voice
3) Hire Sam Elliott to hide in the closet and say it while you move your lips

Oh, girl / You and I / I know that we can’t wait / And I swear, I swear it’s not a lie, girl/ Tomorrow may be too late

Terrible.

You, you and I girl / We can share a life together / It’s now or never / And tomorrow may be too late

Blargh.

And, feeling the way I do / I don’t wanna wait my whole life through / To say I’m in love with you

I think Boston was actually a Backstreet Boys ripoff from the late '90s. Also, Tom Scholz is a big fan of world hunger, hates the poor, assassinated President James A. Garfield, and was instrumental in the development of the TV show "Blossom." There. Now I feel better.

Men at Work -- "Who Can It Be Now?"

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Go away, don't come 'round here no more

Don't you even want to see who it is, Colin Hay? What if it's the ghost of Ed McMahon with a giant spectral check good for one thousand ghost-dollars? THEN WHAT?!?!

Can't you see that it's late at night? I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right

Eminently reasonable argument for not wanting company. I'm sure if you just get the door and explain to your mystery visitor that you are a little under the weather they will gladly --

All I wish is to be alone / Stay away, don't you invade my home

Oh, I see. You're not just in a solitary mood, but are actually suffering from some kind of mental illness. My mistake.

Best off if you hang outside / Don't come in - I'll only run and hide

I'm having trouble deciding whether Colin Hay is trying to present a serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia, or whether he is just trying to write a goofy song (remember, this is also the man who penned the eminently goofy "Down Under") that turns out more creepy than goofy.

More evidence for the "goofy" theory:
On the other hand, in the video, Colin seems to be doing his best to look insane, so I guess score one for "serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia," although his insane face is kind of more clownish than actually mentally disturbed.

I actually searched around on the Internet a little for some kind of canonical interpretation of this song, and the closest thing I could find was a random message board post claiming that Colin Hay once said this song was about trying to avoid bill collectors who would come to his door. The other two predominant theories were "mental illness" and "excessive masturbation," which is probably just a subcategory of mental illness anyway.

Who can it be now?

People whom it could be:

The mailman
A friendly neighbor
"The man," come to take Colin Hay away (see lyric below)
Tony Danza
Oprah
The friendly ghost of Ed McMahon
Colin Hay's mother
A kangaroo
The vengeful ghost of Ed McMahon, hungry for human flesh and/or great deals on quality publications such as "Boys' Life" and "Reader's Digest"*

* Apparently "Boys' Life" is meant for all boys, yet "Reader's Digest" is targeted at a specific reader, most likely Bob Burns of Windham, Conn.

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I'm bored.

If he hears, he'll knock all day / I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay

I thought it was late at night. Or did we skip ahead to a new visitor when we started the second verse? JUST ANSWER THE DOOR COLIN HAY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND --

I've done no harm, I keep to myself / There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health

I and this team of psychiatrists that I keep on call here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics (mostly for Lou Gramm-related purposes, but I find they are coming in handy more than I'd expected) would like to respectfully disagree.

I like it here with my childhood friend / Here they come, those feelings again!

What??

Who can it be now?

In the one minute and thirty-two seconds since you started singing about this, whomever it was has almost certainly departed.

Is it the man come to take me away? / Why do they follow me? / It's not the future that I can see / It's just my fantasy

I think these lines combined with the whole "childhood friend" creep-xtravaganza offer fairly strong evidence that Colin Hay is (awkwardly and poorly) trying to write a song about someone who is suffering from serious mental illness.

On the other hand,

Foreigner -- "I Want To Know What Love Is"

EDIT 9/5/09: As has been pointed out in the comments section, this song was actually written by Mick Jones, not Lou Gramm. So, I'm an idiot, and we can add this to the growing list of things for which I will need to apologize to Lou Gramm when we finally meet in the fiery depths of hell.

So as much as I've been enjoying this hypercritical but hopefully not mean-spirited analysis of lyrics that were written in good faith, I thought today we could try something a little different. I would like to "get real" with you, set aside this silliness for a while, and talk about something that affects us all: health care. Specifically, the reform bill currently being debated in Congress. Now bear with me, because this gets a little complicated. As I see it, the crux of the issue is --

Gotta take a little time / A little time to think things over

What the .... hold on a second.

(Muffled): Lou? Lou Gramm? What are you doing here? I see ... Well, I'm sorry it hurt your feelings but ... I mean, sure, I'd love to give you a chance to redeem yourself, but right now I'm in the middle of talking to these nice people about health care ... Can you come back tomorrow? ... OK. OK. See you then.

Hey, everyone! Sorry about that. So, as I was saying, the first thing we have to do in order to fix the health-care system is --

Better read between the lines / In case I need it when I’m older

Christ. Sorry, everyone. Just a minute. I'm really sorry about this.

(Muffled): Lou? What's going on? I thought we agreed that ... (sigh) ... OK, if I let you do this one song, you promise to go home? OK. C'mon over here.

Me: OK, everyone, I'm back, and we have a special surprise for you ... a personal visit from an Awesomely Bad Lyrics favorite, Mr. Lou Gramm himself!
Lou Gramm (talking like Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street for some reason): Hi, everybody.
Me: Lou wanted to come by and give us an example of some of the *good* lyrics he's written, so he'll be favoring us with a very special performance of "I Want To Know What Love Is"! Take it away!
Lou Gramm: O-kay. Here I go.

Now this mountain I must climb / Feels like the world upon my shoulders / Through the clouds I see love shine / It keeps me warm as life grows colder

(Gritting teeth, smiling politely)

In my life there’s been heartache and pain / I don’t know if I can face it again / Can't stop now, I’ve traveled so far / To change this lonely life

OK, OK, hold on a second. Lou? Don't take this the wrong way, but can I give you just a little friendly advice? See, there's this concept in writing of *showing* the reader something rather than *telling* him. You started out OK there, some good images of a mountain, a weight on your shoulders, a bright warm light. (You were mixing your metaphors and similes, but we'll just leave that alone for now.) But then, Lou ... Lou, Lou, Lou ... the little pre-chorus here is basically the equivalent of climbing to the top of this mountain that you have built out of words and jumping up and down and yelling "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M SAD! I HAVE HEARTACHE AND PAIN! LOOK AT ME!!"

Oh no ... Lou, I'm sorry! Come back, Lou ... oh dear. He's hiding under the refrigerator again.

I wanna know what love is / I want you to show me / I wanna feel what love is / I know you can show me

Yay! Go Lou! Huzzah! Three cheers!

I’m gonna take a little time / A little time to look around me / I’ve got nowhere left to hide / It looks like love has finally found me

Ahem. Listen. Louie boy. Old buddy, old pal. I really like this song. I even sort of the like the first half of the video because it seems like a nice portrayal of quiet desperation and yearning, and I am willing to ignore the fact that about halfway through it becomes totally bizarre and corny and includes more black people than have probably ever attended an actual Foreigner concert.

On the other hand, what are you talking about?

Here are the CliffsNotes for this song thus far: "I'm climbing a mountain to find love, which makes me warm. But I don't know if I can face it because I was sad once. But I've traveled so far to find love. Now I'm going to try to hide. But I can't. Looks like love has finally found me!"

Fun fact! Lou Gramm (and his female backup singer) say the word "love" 18 times during this five-minute opus.

Me: OK, Lou, sorry to interrupt again. Go ahead and finish up for us.
Lou Gramm: (has long since fled in tears)

Foreigner -- "Cold As Ice"

I hate to do two Foreigner songs so close together because there so many other bands out there just begging for the treatment, but I thought this would work well in tandem with "Hot Blooded." Don't despair, there are plenty of other Foreigner jams out there to get us through those long cold winter nights.

Fun facts: Foreigner was originally known as "Trigger," and our old buddy Lou Gramm was originally known as "Louis Grammatico."

Now, take a gander at Signore Grammatico in this 1993 video, and then feast your eyes on the updated version of ol' Louie G ....












Oh, my. Look at that penetrating stare. That disdainful sneer. It's almost as if he's got no soul. In fact, it's almost like he's as cold as .... something .... it's on the tip of my tongue ....










You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love

Yeah, that's it.

So first of all, it always has tickled me that Foreigner sings both "Hot Blooded" and "Cold as Ice." The two songs have a kind of internal logic, too, when taken together -- it makes perfect sense that a dude with a "fever of 103" would pretty much think any human with a normal body temperature was "as cold as ice." Check-plus on internal logic for Mr. Louseph Grammstein! Check-minus-minus for the rest of this song.

You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know

This sounds like a threat. Also, I cannot blame this woman for declining to take advice from a man whose borderline-psychotic ramblings disturbed me to the point that I called for his arrest and/or hospitalization.

I've seen it before, it happens all the time / You're closing the door, you leave the world behind

I like how rock lyricists so often feel the need to demonstrate their worldliness by telling us how often they have seen relationships fail. Everyone knows that relationships fail. We want to know *why* they fail and how we can cope. I'm also fairly sure that this relationship is not failing because one partner is "leaving the world behind," but rather because she is leaving Mr. Gramm behind as retribution for his creepy attempts at philandering.

Naturally, Lou copes by throwing out wild accusations and threats.

You're digging for gold, you're throwing away / A fortune in feelings, but someday you'll pay

Thanks, Lou! See you in December.

Foreigner -- "Hot Blooded"

Yippee!!!

Please have a seat ... we're going to be here for a while.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see / I got a fever of a hundred and three

a) I don't think I want to know what "it" is.
b) I've said it before and I'll say it again: Please consult a physician at once!

Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

Asking a woman if she "do(es) more than dance" would be incredibly insulting, in my opinion. However, if followed by repeated statements that one is "hot blooded," the woman would probably be less insulted than concerned about your mental health. Please consult a psychiatrist, Lou Gramm.

You don't have to read my mind, to know what I have in mind

... Because I am about to tell you in explicit, juvenile, and frightening detail.

Honey you oughta know / Now you move so fine, let me lay it on the line / I wanna know what you're doin' after the show

OK, Mr. Gramm, you've "la(id) it on the line" and she's clearly not interested. Why don't you just lay down for a bit and let's see if that fever will go down a little ... oh, you're going to take the insanity up a notch instead? I see.

Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous / Just me and you, I'll show you lovin' like you never knew

"You see, I am in possession of a pornographic 'video-tape' containing images of man and beast performing unspeakable acts on each other. Interested? Yes? No? Hmm?"

Also, why the sudden need for secrecy? I'm confused.

If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night / Shall I leave you my key?

Um, Mr. Gramm, I believe the way it works is that the lady is supposed to give you *her* key. Unless, of course, by "key," you mean ... oh.

But you've got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign / Tell me, are you hot, mama? You sure look that way to me

I think if you haven't received a sign by now, she's probably not that interested. Also, she may appear hot because you have a dangerously high body temperature and are hallucinating. Please see a doctor, Lou Gramm. I have my car right here. I'd be happy to take you to the emergency room. Oh, sorry, you're not done?

Are you old enough? / Will you be ready when I call your bluff?

What?? Seriously, what? These might be the two creepiest and least romantic questions of all time. Any woman in her right mind would slowly back away and possibly alert the authorities upon hearing this. Well, actually, she probably would have left the conversation about five minutes ago, but that's neither here nor there.

Is my timing right? / Did you save your love for me tonight?

Timing is the least of your problems. The second question is also extremely creepy. It sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer would ask his victim after he had him or her tied up in the basement.

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see / Feel the fever burning inside of me / Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot

"The fever" ...

Now it's up to you, can we make a secret rendezvous? / Oh, before we do, you'll have to get away from you know who

Jesus, this song is really weird. Does Lou Gramm already know this person? Up until now it seemed like he was addressing some random girl at a show. Who is "you know who"? So weird and creepy.

Hot blooded, every night / Hot blooded, you're looking so tight / Hot blooded, now you're driving me wild / Hot blooded, I'm so hot for you, child / Hot blooded, I'm a little bit high / Hot blooded, you're a little bit shy / Hot blooded, for your sweet sweet thing

Eeesh. The outro reaches an insane new crescendo of creepiness. It seriously sounds like he's talking about child molestation. I think I'm going to take this post and move it to my new blog, http://disconcertinglydementedlyrics.blogspot.com. Also, if any law-enforcement officers are reading this (unlikely), I would like to ask that you immediately take Mr. Lou Gramm into custody.