Guns 'n' Roses -- "Welcome to the Jungle"

Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.

Hey, remember L.A. Guns?

So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.

"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."

Also, the jungle in this song is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.

And, I'm not actually drunk right now!

Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games

Sounds fun!

We got everything you want / Honey we know the names

Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades.

We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need

This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!

This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.

If you got the money, honey / We got your disease

Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I wanna watch you bleed

In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.

Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.

Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.

Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.

Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day

Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay."

If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay

She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.

By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.

And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please / You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free

I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?

And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Feel my, my, my, my serpentine / I, I wanna hear you scream

Eww eww eww eww eww.

(orgasmic noises)

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Welcome to the jungle / It gets worse here every day

British guy: I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.
Martha (in screechy voice): Tally ho!
British guy: Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!
Martha (still screechy): Tea and crumpets!
British guy: What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?
Tiger: (goes on mauling spree)

I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.

You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play

Just like Mowgli!

If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually / You can have anything you want / But you better not take it from me

See? He's Satan, right?

Or maybe Willy Wonka. I dunno.

In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I'm gonna watch you bleed

I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.

And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!

I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.

And, eww.

And, break it down, William Bruce!

You know where you are? / You're in the jungle, baby / You gonna die

Worst safari ever.

Scorpions -- "Wind of Change"

If you'll indulge me, I'd like to offer you an abbreviated Scorpions discography.

1976: "Virgin Killer," which has a cover that appears to be child pornography. (This link takes you to a picture of the cover, not to a child-pornography site.)
1978: "Taken by Force," the cover of which features two guys pointing guns at each other in a cemetery.
1980: "Animal Magnetism"'s cover shows a woman kneeling next to a dog, in front of a man holding a beer. (They appear to be in the desert for some reason.) Featured track: "Don't Make No Promises (Your Body Can't Keep)."
1984: "Love at First Sting"

I offer you this little snapshot because "Wind of Change" is a classic example of a band with a clear track record of objectifying women and just generally being kind of dick-ish and weird deciding to get all sensitive and shit. Songs of this ilk also tend to have awesomely bad lyrics, and this one is no exception.

Hey, remember the Cold War? I sure don't!

I follow the Moskva / Down to Gorky Park

Lead singer Klaus Meine (the Scorpions are German) clearly mispronounces the "v" in Moskva as a "w" here. Also, why Gorky Park? Are you just naming a random place in Moscow? Why not Red Square or Lenin's Tomb or something? Lenin's Tomb even has the right number of syllables, and is probably more recognizable to your Western listeners, and it's kind of maybe like symbolic of the death of Communism and stuff ... no? You're gonna stick with Gorky Park? Cool.

Listening to the wind of change / An August summer night

As opposed to what? An August winter night? Maybe he means the night is "august" with a small "a"-- a majestic, venerable night. (Actually, that would kind of make sense. Accidentally decent lyric!)

Soldiers passing by / Listening to the wind of change / (whistling solo)

Oh, but I love that whistling solo. Best ever? Any other nominees? "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John? "Patience" by Guns 'n' Roses? "Jealous Guy"?

The world is closing in / And did you ever think / That we could be so close, like brothers

I think this is what Gorbachev said to Reagan when they were drunk one night at the Kremlin.

The future's in the air / I can feel it everywhere / Blowing with the wind of change

Uh .... hey, aren't you the Scorpions? Dude! Bro! I love "Virgin Killer" and "Taken by Force" ... those albums are the shit! I was totally listening to "Taken by Force" in college this one time when I was playing beer pong with these chicks, and my buddy Z-Dub slipped some roofies into their cups and .... hey, is this your new jam? (Listens for a minute.) Woah, bro, this is so gay! (Passes out drunk)

Take me to the magic of the moment / On a glory night

I'm sure this lyric is much better when translated from the original Russian.

Where the children of tomorrow dream away / In the wind of change / Walking down the street / Distant memories / Are buried in the past forever

Future in the air? Check. Children of tomorrow dreaming away? Check. Wind of change blowing? Roger that. Distant memories buried in the past forever? Looks that way. Well, boys, looks like old mother Russia has got this whole democracy thing figured out, and nothing can possibly go wrong for at least the next 20 years. (Brushes his hands together briskly, strolls away whistling a happy tune.)

The wind of change blows straight / Into the face of time / Like a storm wind that will ring / The freedom bell for peace of mind

Wasn't this part of one of G.W. Bush's inaugural addresses? I could've sworn he said that in 2005. (Actually, go back and read those lyrics in the Jon Stewart Bush voice. Much funnier that way.)

Let your balalaika sing / What my guitar wants to say

What does your guitar want to say? Hmm? Something about how on some level, we're all the same, and that humankind needs to live in peace and harmony, and MR. GORBACHEV TEAR DOWN THIS WALL and all that good stuff? No? Just wants to play us out with a sweet solo, followed by the chorus and some more whistling? OK. Fine by me.