Steve Perry -- "Oh Sherrie"

Awesomely Bad Lyrics, Vol. XL: In which Steve Perry rubs up suggestively against a wrought-iron balcony.

So after watching the video, in which said rubbing transpires, I was thinking, "Oh boy, this is just another bizarre, poorly conceived rock video that consists basically just of a bunch of random images and scenes that make no sense." Which is true.

But! There is a longer version that makes perfect sense and is actually sort of clever and mildly entertaining. I suppose it had to be cut down for MTV, in which case, worst editing job EVER because it is basically impossible to understand what's going on without the context that's removed.

Also, I really love how the YouTube label for the shorter version makes it seem as if it is a song by Journey called "Oh Sherry (Steve Perry)."

You should've been gone knowing how I made you feel / And I should've been gone after all your words of steel

Coming soon from Roget's: "WORDS OF STEEL"!!!! This ain't your grandpa's thesaurus!!!

Oh/ I must've been a dreamer / and I must've been someone else / And we should've been over

OK, I'm sensing a theme here. Sherrie should've been gone AND you should've been gone AND you must've been a dreamer AND you must've been someone else AND your relationship should've been over. That's a lot of strikes against this blessid union of souls. So, ipso facto, there must be some amazing reason that this partnership should, against all odds, work out. I can't wait to hear it!

Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on / Oh, Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on

Uh. OK. Well, that's not a reason. Just ... a thing. Good old Steve Perry must just be building anticipation for the big reveal, though. What a storyteller!

While we're waiting, did you know the girl in the video is actually Sherrie? Sherrie Swafford. She was Steve Perry's girlfriend when he wrote the song.

I want to let go, you'll go on hurtin' me

More bad stuff. You are really building a strong case for ending this relationship, Steve. (Keep in mind also that Sherrie is a real person who he was romantically involved with when he wrote this song. How would you have felt if you were Sherrie and you heard this little ditty? I would've felt bad. Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.)

You'd be better off alone if I'm not who you thought I'd be

OK, more bad stuff (I think). But I have a feeling that we're about to find out just what it is that makes these two tick!

But you know that there's a fever

(leans in closely) Uh-huh???

oh

(cocks head in anticipation)

that you'll never find nowhere else

(braces for inevitable disappointment) And?

Can't you feel it burnin' - on and on?

That's it, folks! That's why Steve Perry and Sherrie Swafford continue to date despite overwhelming evidence that they should not: "There's a fever" (where?) that she will "never find nowhere else." (Which, I guess, means that Steve Perry *can* find the fever? What a fucking arrogant bastard.)

Surprise! Steve and Sherrie broke up in 1985, the year after this song came out. Now, nearly a quarter-century later, when you search for "sherrie swafford bio" on Google, the first page that comes up is called "Steve Perry's Biography." So, that must make her feel really good. Are you happy, Perry? Are you?!

Oh Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on

You son of a bitch.

But I should've been gone long ago, far away

Why are you still singing?

And you should've been gone / now I know just why you stay

Because Steve Perry is such a sexy bastard, and he sings like an angel and is utterly irresistible to every man, woman, child, and beast of the field. Right? Right?!?!

Douchebag.

CODA: Apparently after he and Sherrie broke up, Steve Perry wrote an explanation of why it happened on his Web site. It's ineloquent, but clearly heartfelt and sort of touching. It makes me feel bad that I just made fun of him and called him names.

Steve Perry likes to make people feel bad.

Asshole.