Quick fun fact before we get started: The "Guns" part of Guns 'n' Roses comes from L.A. Guns lead singer Tracii Guns, who was the band's lead guitarist (briefly) before being replaced by Slash. I have no idea where the "Roses" part comes from, though. Probably they just thought it sounded good.
Hey, remember L.A. Guns?
So Rose is really Axl Rose's last name, although his full name is actually William Bruce Rose.
"Guns" is, unsurprisingly, not really Tracii Guns' last name. Her first name is in fact Tracy, but spelled with a "y."
Also, the jungle in this song is not actually a jungle, although I may pretend that it is. And China is not really a democracy, although it has opened up significantly.
And, I'm not actually drunk right now!
Welcome to the jungle / We got fun and games
We got everything you want / Honey we know the names
Everything I want? Good! And I'm glad you know the names too! Nice touch. That means when I tell you what I want, you can give it to me without the need for a lot of awkward pointing and/or charades.
We are the people that can find / Whatever you may need
This is like a late night TV ad for Crazy Bob's Safari Supply Shed or something. COME ON DOWN to CRAZY Bob's! We got your hats, scythes, binocs, rhino repellent, everything you want! And what's more, WE KNOW THE NAMES!! We can find whatever you may need for your jungle outing! Because we're CRAZY! At Crazy Bob's! Safari! Supply! SHED!!!! That's right, we operate out of a shed! Don't like it? Go back to civilization!
This is getting better and better! I love the jungle.
If you got the money, honey / We got your disease
Yes! I'll take .... wait, what? Disease? Is it malaria? I hope it's not malaria.
In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I wanna watch you bleed
In all seriousness, now, who is the narrator supposed to be in this song? At first I thought drug dealer but ... why would he want to watch her bleed? Like they say, it's hard to say in business when all your clients keep dying. They being like DARE officers or something, I don't know.
Sadistic pimp? Maybe. But it seems like there are a bunch of drug references scattered around.
Ooh, Satan? I think he's Satan. OK, case closed.
Or, wait, a tiger! It makes sense because they're in the jungle.
Welcome to the jungle / We take it day by day
Although this is a very sensible philosophy, this line is completely pointless and far less menacing than the rest of the lyrics. I guess that's the price you pay, though, for finding a line that rhymes with "price you pay."
If you want it you're gonna bleed / But it's the price you pay
She already paid you a price in money. Remember? Unless, oh OK, I guess he's saying she got the money by selling her blood.
By the way, I think "The Sadistic Pimps" would be a good band name. But only if two of the band members were named "Johnny Sadistic" and "Pimps McGee," of course.
And you're a very sexy girl / Who's very hard to please / You can taste the bright lights / But you won't get them for free
I don't get this song at all. What is she after? Drugs? Fame? Cars? A unicycle? And what does she have to do to get it? Sleep around? Sell her blood? Sell her diamonds? Sell her blood diamonds?
And, tasting the bright lights, probably a bad idea, even if you're getting them for free.
In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Feel my, my, my, my serpentine / I, I wanna hear you scream
Eww eww eww eww eww.
Welcome to the jungle / It gets worse here every day
British guy: I say, Martha, this safari has been quite a disappointment! We were promised fun and games, but it just gets worse here every day.
Martha (in screechy voice): Tally ho!
British guy: Err, yes. Well, I still think it was a bloody mistake to listen to that Crazy Bob fellow. Quite a sticky wicket we've got here now, I say!
Martha (still screechy): Tea and crumpets!
British guy: What's all this, then? A rustling in the bushes?
Tiger: (goes on mauling spree)
I hope you read that in a British accent, otherwise it isn't very funny. OK, fine, it's not funny either way. Except for the part with the tiger.
You learn to live like an animal / In the jungle where we play
Just like Mowgli!
If you got a hunger for what you see / You'll take it eventually / You can have anything you want / But you better not take it from me
See? He's Satan, right?
Or maybe Willy Wonka. I dunno.
In the jungle / Welcome to the jungle / Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na na na na na knees, knees / I'm gonna watch you bleed
I have to tell you I spent like five minutes trying to figure out the right number of "na"s to include in this line, because I'm a copy editor and I'm anal retentive like that. I'm still not even sure I got it right, either. It's surprisingly hard to count them. Try it yourself! I'll wait right here.
And when you're high you never ever want to come down, suck down, suck down, suck down YEAH!
I'm not entirely sure he says "suck down" here, but it sounds about right, I guess.
And, break it down, William Bruce!
You know where you are? / You're in the jungle, baby / You gonna die
Worst safari ever.