Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Scorpions -- "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Hey guys, aren't hurricanes awesome? Yeah, hurricanes! ROCK!!!

It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud

Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.

My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?

Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!

The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well

Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.

1) Hungry for sex!
2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.
3) Sexual reference.
4) Ibid.

More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show

This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.

Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Yes, and a hurricane. Right.

So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.

Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!

And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.

My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud

I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."

Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose

This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.

And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!

The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show

Klaus Meine: Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!
Woman: Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!
Klaus Meine: Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!
Woman: What?

He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting

Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, you've won this round!


  1. A hurricane of fucking stupidity has hit you!!!!!
    Go to listen to lady gaga,swettie :)

  2. Scorpions ForeverMarch 10, 2010 at 1:16 PM

    While I can appreciate humor as much as the next person, analyzing rock lyrics isn't fair. They're doggerel pure and simple - not Keats or Shelley. Rock 'n' Roll is all about feeling - which can't be coldly analyzed.
    That being said, lay off Klaus Meine and Scorpions, who are far more successful and have far more fans than any of us (read - you) will ever have.
    And the wolf mating thing - tres tacky!

  3. "How come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters?"

    In point of fact, Carole King sings "I Feel the Earth Move," and Tori Amos has "Little Earthquakes."

    Oh, wait. You said good songs about natural disasters. Sorry.

  4. How did the Scorpions mafia track me down so quickly? They must be somehow in league with the Steve Perry mafia. Anyhoo, I thought of "Little Earthquakes," but I thought it was just the name of an album, not a song. And I like "I Feel the Earth Move" -- that's a good one. And, Beck has a song called "Earthquake Weather" that's not bad.

  5. For many years I have heard this song and believed that I was mishearing the lyrics because they just made no damn sense. And I was too lazy to bother looking up the actual words. Now you've posted them and I find that I was correct*, and they still don't make any sense.

    *Although I thought he was saying "Just have to make it/with some other dude."

    I second "I Feel the Earth Move" being a good song, btw, but if you decide to make fun of the lyrics I won't come in here and try to make you feel bad about it because I have no sense of humor, despite claims to the contrary.

  6. In re: songs about avalanches, if you see Stevie Nicks's reflection in the snow-covered hills, the landslide will bring it down.

  7. The entire song is about him in first person. Here 'I' am, rock you like a hurricane. But the last line talks about someone else. 'He's' licking his lips, 'He's' ready to win.

    Who is this second guy and where did he come from?

  8. This Tornado Loves You by Neko Case

  9. nice. i've heard good things about that song/album.

  10. Hey, just wanted to drop a line to say how much I love your blog! I found it through Comics Curmudgeon, and it really is awesome. Please keep posting! I tried to come up with a good song to pick apart, but no dice. Check out The New Pornographers, though- their lyrics are usually enigmatic, but the music is great.

  11. YOU SUCK!!!!!! Half of the song's lyrics is created by Herman Rarebell, former drummer of Scorpions.

    This song is the greatest Rock Anthem of all time and it really rocks.!!!

    Shut up your dirty gay mouth or I'LL FUCK YOUR MOM LIKE A HURRICANE!!!!!

  12. I don’t think it’s appropriate to create songs provoking for hurricanes or tornados or storms. You know, we may not know it. They might be waiting for provocation on our part. Calling for hurricanes is definitely not a joke to be entertained. Have mercy of other people, you know. I hate tragedy and other calamities.

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  14. Just found your blog and had loads of fun with it. Sad that you don't post anymore. I hope u haven't give up on this blog cuz of the ammount of trash comments, like those from Scorpions fans. I bet you like those songs (cuz anyways they sound amazing) but making fun out of things we like is also important, plus it's always good to know what the lyrics we don't usually pay attention to say.

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