Bonnie Tyler -- "Total Eclipse of the Heart"

Nothing I can write here will be as funny as this video, so perhaps y'all should just click on that link, watch and enjoy, and then move on with your lives.

Fun facts! Bonnie Tyler is Welsh, her given name is Gaynor Hopkins (?!), and she is literally a coal miner's daughter.

And, oh my god, is this true? This song was written by Jim Steinman, along with "Making Love (Out of Nothing At All)," for Meat Loaf, but Mr. Loaf's record company refused to pay for them, so they were given to Tyler and Air Supply. Wow. Can you imagine the alternate universe in which Meat Loaf's record company had sacked up and coughed up the cash for those babies? Meat Loaf would be worshipped as a god and probably would have served three or four terms as president in the '80s and '90s, nobody would have ever heard of Bill Clinton (but oddly enough, they would have heard of Monica Lewinsky), Bonnie Tyler would be relegated to performing in casinos (oh wait, that happened anyway), and killer robots would terrorize the human population (this is speculation).

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round

Good start here, rhyming the word "around" with the abbreviated version, "round."

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

Bonnie Tyler's tears sound like Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville" played by 1,000 garbage disposals and sung by Gilbert Gottfried.

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by

You should be more nervous about the fact that I haven't turned around yet.

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Now that I've got you lonely, nervous, and terrified, it shouldn't be too hard to make you fall apart, right?

Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

There we go. Also, if you keep telling me to turn around, it is only going to perversely make me not want to turn around, and then we get into what psychologicians call a "vicious cycle."

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of something wild

Hey, now we're getting somewhere. Your titillating insinuation that we could be engaging in some kind of fun activity, rather than wallowing in your own self-pity, is intriguing. Maybe I'll just turn around now and then we can ...

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms

YOU BLEW IT!!!!

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry

But then ... wouldn't you have to listen to the sound of your tears?

Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes / Turn around, bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart

I think you're confusing me with Conor Oberst. Happens all the time.

And I need you now tonight / And I need you more than ever / And if you only hold me tight / We'll be holding on forever

Uh yeah, that sounds great ... hold on a minute, I just have to get something out of my car ... (sound of car door slamming, engine starting, tires on rubber)

And we'll only be making it right / Cause we'll never be wrong

Well, this is just circular reasoning.

Bonnie Tyler: We'll only be making it right!"
Unnamed Paramour: "Why is that?"
BT: "Because we'll never be wrong!"
UP: "But why will we never be wrong?"
BT: "I just told you, because we'll be making it right."
UP: "Yeah, but you're just using two related conclusions, without a premise to support them."
BT: "Turn around!"
UP: (suffers self-inflicted gunshot wound)

Together we can take it to the end of the line / Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

Now here's the part about the eclipse. I guess it makes sense, sort of. She's saying this guy's love kind of overshadows any other feelings she might have, to the point where he is all she can think about. Right? All other aspects of her heart have been "eclipsed" by this feeling. I mean, technically, she should be entirely unable to feel if her entire heart is eclipsed, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

I dont know what to do and I'm always in the dark / We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

OK, I was with you up until the part about the powder keg, which seems to totally nullify the decent metaphor that you were building. You just said in the previous line that you were always in the dark, and now you're giving off sparks? Come on! I was trying to work with you here, but you're making it very difficult. Are you listening, Bonnie Tyler??? TURN AROUND!!! I'm talking to you!

(Also, I don't really want to drag this post out for the like 37 minutes of this song that remain, but near the end she says "Once upon a time there was light in my life / Now there's only love in the dark," which, again, doesn't quite seem to fit within the metaphorical structure.)

I really need you tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight

Yeah, that sounds really swell, Bonnie. Unfortunately, I just got a text saying I've been drafted to fight in Killer Robot War III and I'm really gonna have to leave right now for boot camp and stuff ... oh, crap, wrong alternate reality. What I meant was that President Loaf has asked me to serve as his Secretary of Whipped Cream in the upcoming administration and .... dammit!!!! Oh well, time for Plan B ... (swallows cyanide pill)

Corey Hart -- "Sunglasses at Night"

According to Wikipedia, this song was originally supposed to be about "a totalitarian society that made everyone wear their sunglasses at night." (Those bastards!) However, Hart altered the lyrics to be "more romantic" when the record company asked for something more marketable. In my opinion, a good way to make the song more romantic would've been to remove all reference to wearing one's sunglasses at night, but nobody asked me, did they? DID THEY?!?!

The reference for that part of the article is actually the very same Wikipedia page, so ... not sure how reliable that information is. However, the video does seem to corroborate the whole totalitarianism thing. Luckily, the lyrics don't make much sense either way, so each of us can feel happy and secure with our own personal reading of "Sunglasses at Night" -- and I know we all have one.

Also, this song is the subject of very serious plagiarism charges.

Take it away, Corey!

I wear my sunglasses at night / so I can, so I can / Watch you weave then breathe your story lines

This is rather poetic. Initial reading: Corey Hart is wearing sunglasses as a disguise so he can stalk someone. Good clean fun.

And I wear my sunglasses at night / so I can, so I can / Keep track of the visions in my eyes

Corey Hart is *also* wearing his sunglasses at night so he can ... keep track of ... the visions ... in his eyes? So, OK, maybe if we go back to the totalitarian-society thing, he wants to maintain his identity in a world full of Ray-Ban-wearing automatons. But in that case, wouldn't he want to *not* wear his sunglasses? As usual, I'm confused.

While she's deceiving me, it cuts my security / Has she got control of me?

OK, most plausible reading so far: Corey Hart is playing a game of poker against a female adversary and is wearing sunglasses so she can't figure out what his "tell" is.

I turn to her and say: Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades, oh no / Don't masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no / I can't believe it

OK, I give up. I must say, though, I love the line "Don't masquerade with the guy in shades." It tickles me right ... there. No, not there. Safety word!

You got it made with the guy in shades, oh no

I'm imagining a young Corey Hart out on the town, sowing his wild oats or whatever, and blithely referring to himself in the third person as "the guy in shades." Also, he talks like Fonzie for some reason. "Hey, you can't give a parking ticket to the guy in shades! Aaaayyyyy!" "Hey, who wants to dance with the guy in shades? Aaaayyyy! Aaaayyyy??"

And, fun facts: Corey Hart has a daughter named River, a son named Rain, lives in the Bahamas and writes songs for Celine Dion, among others. If that doesn't qualify as living the dream, I don't know what does.

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can / Forget my name while you collect your claim

Yes, that seems like a good reason to wear your sunglasses at night. Makes a lot of sense. Are you done yet, Corey? Because I, um, have a really important appointment with some really important people this afternoon and ...

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can / See the light that's right before my eyes

Ohhh, hey you guys, I totally just figured out what this song is about. It's really going to blow your minds. So, in reality, Corey Hart --

(A single shot rings out. I slump to the floor, slain before revealing the awful truth. The unknown assassins drive off into the night, their sunglasses reflecting no light and betraying no emotion. Totalitarianism wins again!)