Tommy Tutone -- "867-5309"

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to / You give me something I can hold on to / I know you'll think I'm like the others before / Who saw your name and number on the wall

*Pop!* That was the sound of my bubble bursting. With just a cursory examination of these lyrics and the realization that this verse includes the words "on the wall," this song really quickly goes from bouncy and wistful to sad and weird and ultra-creepy. (Although, in all fairness, it does remain rather bouncy.)

Jenny, I've got your number / I need to make you mine / Jenny don't change your number / 867-5309

Weird.

Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me / You don't know me but you make me so happy

Sad.

I tried to call you before / But I lost my nerve / I tried my imagination / But I was disturbed

Ultra-creepy. This song should be covered by like Staind or Puddle of Mudd or Godsmack or somebody. (Do those bands still exist?)

I am now emotionally devastated because I can never again hear this song in the same way. Before moving on, though, check out this inspired project in which someone used a portion of his or her precious time on earth to dial 867-5309 in a ton of different area codes. I especially like the entry for 678.

Also, this article is mildly amusing, especially the quote from "Tommy 'Tutone' Heath" near the end. Now, let's all agree never to mention Tommy Tutone again.

Europe -- "The Final Countdown"

Please, please, please, before you do anything else, watch this. Ohhhhh my god. I could watch that 100 times in a row. Wow. I am having trouble composing myself and going on with this post. Everyone go back and watch it again all the way through while I pull it together.

Ahem.

DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA .... DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.

Awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome EUROPE!!!!


We're leaving together / But still it's farewell / And maybe we'll come back to earth, who can tell?

Wikipedia says the lyrics to this song were inspired by David Bowie's "Space Oddity." I'm sure Mr. Bowie was absolutely just bursting at the seams with pride when he learned of this.

OK, so clearly the protagonists here are heading into space, but they don't seem to have planned the trip very well. Will we come back to Earth? Who can tell? Initially I thought this was like a post-apocalyptic thing, and these people were heading into space to escape some awful disaster. This would explain the clear lack of foresight. But "Space Oddity" is just about an astronaut, and there's no clear indication here that anything has gone wrong on Earth, so ....

I guess there is no one to blame / We're leaving ground / Will things ever be the same again?

No one to blame for what? What happened? If this is indeed some kind of apocalyptic event, I'm sure there is *someone* to blame. If not, what are you talking about??

It's the final countdown / The final countdown

Woohoo! The persistence of the bombastic keyboard riff that made this song famous indicates to me that this launch is something to be excited about, not a grim flight from a world gone terribly wrong.

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

And yet, this excitement is almost surely misplaced. Venus has an atmospheric pressure 93 times that of the Earth, and surface temperatures of 860 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I hope you like breathing carbon dioxide and nitrogen! At least you're standing tall, though, so you have that going for you.

'Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah

Oh dear. Europe's lead singer, the awesomely named Joey Tempest, apparently believes that there is sentient life on Venus. This crew really should've consulted NASA, or a book, or anyone with a brain in their head, before embarking on this journey.

With so many light years to go and things to be found

Wikipedia: "The nearest known star to the Sun is Proxima Centauri, which is 4.23 light-years away. The fastest outward-bound spacecraft yet sent, Voyager I, has covered 1/600th of a light-year in 30 years and is currently moving at 1/18,000th of the speed of light. At this rate, a journey to Proxima Centauri would take 72,000 years."

Joey Tempest, unless you have discovered a wormhole or have found a way to circumvent the theory of relativity, I think you are in for some serious disappointment and most likely death.

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so / It's the final countdown

What a magical song.

Ice Cube -- "It Was a Good Day"

We'll probably find ourselves back in the '80s soon enough, but today it's time to mix it up a little. If you don't enjoy reading lyrics that contain profanity and might be mildly offensive to some, please skip this entry. If you do enjoy reading lyrics that are awesomely bad, read on!

Here's the video -- I like it because it is basically just depictions of Ice Cube actually doing all the things that he talks about doing in the song. (The lyrics in the video are from the sanitized radio version.) Then at the very end, it takes a bizarre twist that I do not like. This also may be the only music video in history that ends with "TO BE CONTINUED."

I'm also fairly amused by Wikipedia's hilariously straightforward description of the song: "The song's music video and the lyrics itself tell the story of how Ice Cube has a good day in South Central Los Angeles. Throughout the song he enjoys playing basketball, having sex, smoking marijuana (significantly, the song is 4:20 in length), getting drunk, going to his friend Short Dog's house to watch Yo! MTV Raps and later win at Craps and Bones, eating fast food at 2 A.M., and cruising the streets of South Central undisturbed. He even sees the lights on the Goodyear blimp, which remind him that, 'Ice Cube's a Pimp.'"

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god / I don't know but today seems kinda odd / No barking from the dog, no smog / And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I don't get why having a breakfast "with no hog" qualifies this as a good day. Is Ice Cube Jewish? Does he just not like bacon? Did he just need a rhyme for "smog" and "dog"? Clearly he is not a vegetarian or on a diet, because later in the song he eats at Fatburger.

(Actually, after I wrote this I checked Wikipedia again and apparently Ice Cube is a Muslim, although it's unclear whether he had converted to Islam when this song came out. If this is a faith-based thing, though, does his momma normally cook pork products for breakfast, just to torment him?)

(UPDATE: I just realized that in this very lyric, Ice Cube thanks God ... if he were a Muslim when he wrote this, wouldn't he praise Allah instead? Or maybe he just wrote God into the lyrics to avoid controversy? Or maybe he used it for syllable- or rhyming-related reasons? The mind boggles.)

(UPDATE: One other thing, in the video when he says the line about no hog, there is a frying pan with bacon in it, and the bacon magically transmogrifies into something that looks like scrambled eggs. This doesn't really shed any light on the no-hog mystery, but it's funny. OK, I promise to stop talking about this.)

I got my grub on, but didn't pig out / Finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out / Hooked it up for later as I hit the door / Thinking will I live, another twenty-four

Urban Dictionary lists two definitions for "dig out": 1) to have sex with and 2) to leave somewhere. I will leave it up to your good judgement to decide which one applies here.

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top / And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop

I always assumed this was some kind of sexual metaphor, but based on the music video, I think he is actually talking about his car.

Had to stop at a red light / Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight / And everything is alright / I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

No comment on this delightful little quatrain, so it's time for fun facts!
Fun Fact: Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.
Fun Fact #2: Ice Cube is a cousin of Del tha Funkee Homosapien, an artist whose music I enjoy in an entirely unironic way. Even if you don't like hip-hop that much, I implore you to check out this album.

Called up the homies and Im askin' y'all / Which park are y'all playin basketball? / Get me on the court and I'm trouble / Last week fucked around and got a triple double / Freaking niggaz every way like M.J. / I can’t believe today was a good day

Ice Cube is the type of person who compiles his own statistics in his head while playing a pickup game. I do not want to play basketball with him.

Drove to the pad and hit the showers / Didn’t even get no static from the cowards / 'Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me / Saw the police and they rolled right past me / No flexin', didn’t even look in a nigga’s direction as I ran the intersection

I don't really get this part. Who are "the cowards"? Who tried to blast him? In the video the police roll up right when he says the "cowards" line, but it doesn't seem like he's talking about the police, since he references them two lines later. Is this just a generic term for people who don't like Ice Cube? My favorite interpretation is that there is a gang in South Central that calls themselves "The Cowards."

Went to Short Dog's house, they was watchin' Yo! MTV Raps / What’s the haps on the craps? / Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em / Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em / With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven / Seven even back door little joe

This is probably my least favorite part of the day. Watching MTV and playing craps sounds kind of boring. And re: the final line above, what the hell?

Also, I'm sure you don't care, but Short Dog is a rapper from a group called "Da Lench Mob" that I have never heard of.

I picked up the cash flow / Then we played bones, and I’m yellin' domino / Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., today was a good day

I have played dominoes a few times and have never heard of yelling "DOMINO!" but apparently it is a thing.

I don't know how this last line is supposed to be punctuated: He could be saying that people he knows got killed, just not in South Central L.A. ... or nobody he knows got killed, and it was a good day in South Central L.A.

Left my nigga's house paid / Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the twelve grade / It's ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic / The Lakers beat the Supersonics

This is where Mr. Cube definitely starts to run off the rails. First of all, this is the third different woman he has mentioned in the song (at least it seems like they're all different people). Are we expected to believe that he makes plans with, and has sex with, all three of them at different points during the day? I mean, I guess he can do whatever he wants during his imaginary "good day," but at least make it a little more plausible.

Also, why is it "ironic" that he had the brew and she had the chronic? Who cares what team the Lakers beat? This verse needs to be rewritten.

I felt on the big fat fanny / Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny / And my dick runs deep so deep so deep/ Put her ass to sleep

Um, yeah, so does this one.

Woke her up around one / She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun / Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting / Took another sip of the potion, hit the three-wheel motion

Three-wheel motion: "while driving a low rider, you make a fast turn and your car dips on one side thus having on wheel in the air" (sic)

I was glad everything had worked out / Dropped her ass off and then chirped out / Today was like one of those fly dreams / Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams

Chirp out: "to bounce, or leave a spot."
Hey there, Urban Dictionary, can you use that in a sentence for me?
"Yo ima chirp out n get my grub on."
OK! Sorry I asked!

Berry flashing those high beams: a police car trying to get a driver to pull over

No helicopter looking for a murder / Two in the morning got the Fatburger

Did Ice Cube commit a murder recently? Does he just not like the sound of helicopters?

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp / And it read "Ice Cube's a pimp"

This might be my favorite line in any song, ever.

Drunk as hell but no throwing up / Halfway home and my pager still blowing up / Today I didn't even have to use my AK / I gotta say it was a good day

I concur!

Foreigner -- "Cold As Ice"

I hate to do two Foreigner songs so close together because there so many other bands out there just begging for the treatment, but I thought this would work well in tandem with "Hot Blooded." Don't despair, there are plenty of other Foreigner jams out there to get us through those long cold winter nights.

Fun facts: Foreigner was originally known as "Trigger," and our old buddy Lou Gramm was originally known as "Louis Grammatico."

Now, take a gander at Signore Grammatico in this 1993 video, and then feast your eyes on the updated version of ol' Louie G ....












Oh, my. Look at that penetrating stare. That disdainful sneer. It's almost as if he's got no soul. In fact, it's almost like he's as cold as .... something .... it's on the tip of my tongue ....










You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love

Yeah, that's it.

So first of all, it always has tickled me that Foreigner sings both "Hot Blooded" and "Cold as Ice." The two songs have a kind of internal logic, too, when taken together -- it makes perfect sense that a dude with a "fever of 103" would pretty much think any human with a normal body temperature was "as cold as ice." Check-plus on internal logic for Mr. Louseph Grammstein! Check-minus-minus for the rest of this song.

You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know

This sounds like a threat. Also, I cannot blame this woman for declining to take advice from a man whose borderline-psychotic ramblings disturbed me to the point that I called for his arrest and/or hospitalization.

I've seen it before, it happens all the time / You're closing the door, you leave the world behind

I like how rock lyricists so often feel the need to demonstrate their worldliness by telling us how often they have seen relationships fail. Everyone knows that relationships fail. We want to know *why* they fail and how we can cope. I'm also fairly sure that this relationship is not failing because one partner is "leaving the world behind," but rather because she is leaving Mr. Gramm behind as retribution for his creepy attempts at philandering.

Naturally, Lou copes by throwing out wild accusations and threats.

You're digging for gold, you're throwing away / A fortune in feelings, but someday you'll pay

Thanks, Lou! See you in December.

REO Speedwagon -- "Keep on Loving You"

First of all, check out this video and tell me that Kevin Cronin (who now apparently favors short spiky dyed-blond hair over this shaggy afro) doesn't look like some kind of goofy love child of Andy Samberg and Michael Showalter. Also, can anyone tell me what game the two band members are playing at about the 1:15 mark? It looks sort of fun.

Etc., etc.!

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby / There was somethin' missin'

I want to say right off the bat that this song is just entirely incoherent. When I started this post I could only really remember the chorus, and I was going to have such a good time making Viagra jokes (always comedy gold) and warning Kevin Cronin that he should potentially see a doctor, as I am wont to do. However, after reading and re-reading the two verses, I can honestly say that I really don't know what this is supposed to be about. It is definitely not about wanting to have sex all night, which meaning is what I had initially hoped for.

You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe / But you didn't listen

This is kind of vaguely threatening taken on its own. So, this song is definitely about a relationship gone bad. I can say that much for sure. Still a little dicey on the details though.

You played dead / But you never bled / Instead you lay still in the grass / All coiled up and hissin'

?!

I had no clue Cronin sang this here, but now every time I hear this part of the song I will giggle. And what are we talking about here? I'm tired. So, so tired.

And though I know all about those men / Still I don't remember / Cause it was us baby, way before then / And we're still together

What does it say about this song that I have literally no idea whether the last line should contain the word "were" or "we're"?

And I meant, every word I said / When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever

Actually, this lyric is not bad, just awesome. It almost makes me cry. Seriously. I don't care that the rest of the song makes very little sense and thus there is no context in which to place it. Just apply it to whatever personal situation you want to think of. I'm sure we all have lost loves of whom we often think, wondering how our lives would be had things only worked out differently ... hang on, I'm getting a call from my agent.

(ring, ring)

Hello? .... What do you mean, what am I doing? .... Yes, I'm aware that my blog is supposed to be humorous -- what are you trying to say? .... Well, I'm just feeling a little sentimental right now because I've been listening to REO Speedwagon over and over again, and there were some funny bits in the beginning anyway, weren't there? And how can you even read the post yet because I'm still .... I see. .... Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. .... Fuck you too! .... .... .... Yes, I'm still coming over for dinner on Thursday. Say hi to your mother for me.

Ahem! I'm back. What was I saying?

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you / Cause it's the only thing I wanna do / I don't wanna sleep / I just wanna keep on lovin you

(Attempts to summon the will to make amusing Viagra joke, bursts into tears, shuts down computer and runs sobbing out the front door)
(Tears off shirt in the middle of the street and reaches toward the sky a la Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption)
(Is immediately arrested)