A-ha -- "Take on Me"

Talking away
I don't know what I'm to say
I'll say it anyway

So, how about this weather! Sometimes it's sunny but then sometimes it starts raining. Crazy, right?! ... (long, awkward pause) ... Your face looks like butterflies!

Today is another day to find you
Shying away  
I honestly don't know where the punctuation should be here or who is the subject of the verb "shying." "Today is another day to find you shying away"? "Today is another day to find you. (I'm) shying away"? "(You're) shying away?" 

"Today is another day to find. You shying away?"

I'll be coming for your love. OK?

The speaker in this song is the most polite stalker of all time.

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

Oh, but this chorus is so fun! They used to play this song at the seventh-inning stretch of every Washington Nationals game, and they would project the lyrics on the JumboTron, and one of my favorite parts of every game was the whole crowd singing along, and it was OK if you couldn't hit those high notes because everyone else was singing too and nobody could hear you. Then they stopped doing it a few years ago because apparently they hate fun.

Every time I go to a game now I still half-expect "Take on Me" to come on after the obligatory "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and when it doesn't, I am sad. 

Morton Harket, who co-wrote this song with similarly awesomely named bandmates Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, has an incredible voice, doesn't he? And the video for this song is rightfully legendary. The love interest in the video, the equally awesomely named Bunty Bailey, had a real-life romance with Mr. Harket. 

Or should I say Sir Harket? Because in November 2012, all three members of a-Ha were named Knights of the 1st Class of the Royal Norwegian Order of St. Olav for their contribution to Norwegian music. Guess what else! A-ha has won 10 Spellemannprisen awards, the Norwegian equivalent of the Grammys. This is all funny because Norway is a magical land populated by elves and pixies wearing Viking helmets, and they even have a completely different language that might seem amusing to a foreigner.

I'm going to address all further commentary to Morton Harket. Then I will write a quirky but charming children's book called "Morton Harket Goes to Horton Market," set in a fictionalized version of North London, in which Morton Harket befriends some anthropomorphic vegetables and slowly learns that life is OK.

So needless to say
Of odds and ends

Guh?

But I'll be stumbling away
Slowly learning that life is OK.

So it looks like this whole thing will not end well. He will be stumbling away ... why? Was he rejected and now is in a daze? Slapped or otherwise physically injured because he is a creepy (but very polite) stalker? Stumbling away from the bar after drowning his sorrows? 

I do like Harket's pragmatism here, acknowledging that even after this transformative experience in which he pursues a love interest and conquers his greatest fears, that life will not be wonderful or spectacular or incredibly fulfilling, but simply OK.  

Say after me,
"It's no better to be safe than sorry."  

It's no better to be safe than sorry.


Morton Harket: Hey guys, sorry I abruptly turned off the highway and drove us into this pit of quicksand surrounded by 100 hungry tigers!
Magne Furuholmen and Paul Waaktaar-Savoy: Yeaaaaahhhhh, why did you do that?
MH (knowingly): Well, it's no better to be safe than sorry.
MF&PW-S: (nod appreciatively and make murmurs of agreement)
Tigers: (snarl ominously)
Narrator (cheerily): How will the gang get out of this one? Tune in next week for more wacky adventures with our nutty Norsemen on "A-ha! Ha! Ha!"

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day or two

I'll be goooooooooone in a day or twoooooooooooooooooooooo!

Break it down!

By the way, Furholmen told Rolling Stone that a working title for this song was "All’s Well That Ends Well and Moves With the Sun," which sounds like a Pink Floyd song or an episode of Twin Peaks or a Werner Herzog documentary about a wayward team of astronauts on the International Space Station.

Oh, things that you say.
Is it life or just to play my worries away?

Buh?

You're all the things I've got to remember

You're my grocery list, my father's last words before he died, the Pythagorean theorem, the note I pinned to my front door that says "Are you wearing pants, Morton?"

You're shying away
I'll be coming for you anyway

OK, this answers our punctuation question posed above, and is also much less polite and far more threatening. 

Take on me (take on me)
Take me on (take on me)
I'll be gone
In a day


I love how "a day or two" becomes simply "a day" by the end of the song. Wait, what's tomorrow? Thursday? Oh yeah, I'll definitely be gone in a day. So, now is the time for you to take on me! Excuse me, I'm sorry, my English is often substandard. I mean to say "Take me on," yes? Why are you shying away? I'm just coming for your love, OK? Wait, am I wearing pants? Dammit!

Genesis -- "Invisible Touch"

I rarely fall in love with a song immediately upon hearing it -- it usually takes several listens for a tune to really reveal itself to me. This song is a notable exception -- I remember hearing it for the first time a few years ago and thinking something like "What?! This song exists?! Why was I not informed?" Then for a few weeks I was playing it all the time, and telling other people about it, badgering random passersby to listen to it, petitioning Congress to make it our new national anthem, standing outside Buckingham Palace and hoisting up a boombox a la John Cusack in "Say Anything" ... you know how these things go. Then, after receiving a cease-and-desist letter from the surviving members of Genesis (which would be all of them), I tried to go back to work, found out I had been fired, then embarked on a quixotic journey to teach those little robots that vacuum people's floors to understand the human emotion of shame. And after all this, I recently heard this song on the radio while driving just outside of Denver, and realized the lyrics are bad! So, a belated apology to my friends and family, Senator Harry Reid, Cameron Crowe, Queen Elizabeth II, and the good people at iRobot. 

I refuse to apologize to Phil Collins, though, because he penned these lyrics that seem pretty reasonable on their face, but taken as a unit, are quite obviously the unhinged ravings of a madman.

OK, that was a joke, but wait a minute: Phil Collins thinks he is the reincarnation of an American Alamo survivor. You should really take a minute and read this article ... it quotes Phil Collins as saying "Fuck music," which is an awesome thing for a famous musician to say. And it has a funny picture of Phil Collins wearing a coonskin cap. Also, he wrote a 416-page (!) coffee table book about the Alamo and his big collection of Alamo stuff. Who's the crazy one now, Phil?!

Well I've been waiting, waiting here so long
But thinking nothing, nothing could go wrong

Although the conjunction "but" doesn't really fit here -- does thinking nothing could go wrong somehow contradict the act of waiting for so long? -- these lyrics are fine. In fact, pretty much the whole song is fine except for one line that completely ruins the whole thing. We will get to that, and I will rant and rave in a manner that is hopefully somewhat amusing!

But now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees

Good job redeeming yourself by using the word "but" properly, Phil Collins! I love the way he sings "built in ability" in this part. The assonance and consonance are cool. This is just a fun little ditty about a genetically engineered kleptomaniac! 

And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her

This conjunction also makes sense in context! Hooray for proper grammar! 

One other thing I like about this song is the use of repetition on "waiting," "nothing," and "falling." 

Since I have nothing snarky to say here, I may as well also compliment the video for this song, which is endearingly quirky and features the band members goofing around, Phil Collins singing into his drumsticks like they're a microphone, some random table tennis and a giant hamster wheel. 

Also, I thought guitarist Mike Rutherford, who went on to form Mike & the Mechanics, was Pete Townshend. What do you guys think? Mike is on the right.

 




















 



She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart

Having an invisible touch is a great superpower for a genetically engineered kleptomaniac.  
OK, so the lyrics so far are just fine ... we have a woman who was very attractive to Phil Collins, and he fell in love with her, but now, through some kind of painful experience he has learned that she was bad for him, and this song is chronicling that experience to serve as a sort of cautionary tale. Right? Right??

I don't really know her, I only know her name

No. NO. NOOOOOO!!!! WHAT?! You don't really know her? You only know her name?! But ... then ... how do you ... how can you ... is her name Cruella DeVille? Kimberly Heartripper? Jennifer freaking Aniston? Agggghhhh Phil Collins how did you survive the Alamo I don't like you anymore. I am going to give your coffee-table book a one-star review on Amazon.

But she crawls under your skin, you're never quite the same, and now I know
She's got something you just can't trust
It's something mysterious
And now it seems I'm falling, falling for her

 What. Is. Going. On. First of all, a bit of an overload of creepy internal-organ-mangling metaphors with "grabs right hold of your heart," "slowly tears you apart," and "crawls under your skin." And, once again, how can you know this?! Now you know you can't trust her? You don't even know her!! You just said that. You just said it! 

 She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart 

She don't like losing, to her it's still a game
Though she'll mess up your life, you'll want her just the same, now I know
She has a built in ability
To take everything she sees
And now it seems I've fallen, fallen for her. 
 
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
She reaches in, grabs right hold of your heart
She seems to have an invisible touch yeah
It takes control and slowly tears you apart

This song is so frustrating because without that one line, the lyrics are actually pretty decent. So how do we explain away the insane notion that he doesn't know this woman (only knows her name) and yet can describe with certainty, in very graphic and gory detail, what she will do to him?
 
Theory A: Phil Collins is actually describing a certain "type" of woman, and he has had this experience before with someone else, and somehow can recognize just by seeing this woman and learning her name that she will manipulate him and break his heart? This would be a super arrogant/delusional claim. Verdict: Bad lyrics!

Theory B: Phil Collins is saying that despite them having all these experiences together, he still doesn't really know her in any meaningful way. This would be a plausible reading, and tie the song together, except for the part about only knowing her name, which pretty clearly indicates he doesn't actually know her at all. Verdict: Bad lyrics!

Theory C: Phil Collins never left The Alamo. The woman in this song is the wild frontier of the West and the tantalizing lands held by Mexico, the speaker America. Although he understands that Manifest Destiny is an inherently flawed concept that will only lead to an unquenchable thirst for new land, new frontiers, and an expansion of the country's sphere of influence, resulting in misadventures overseas and senseless loss of life, slowly tearing the country apart, messing up people's lives, even though we thought nothing, nothing could go wrong, we were always just waiting, waiting here so long for that great destiny to be fulfilled, yet, yet, that invisible touch, the pull of the unknown, is too powerful to resist. That would be pretty cool. So either Phil Collins wrote one bad lyric once, or he is actually John W. Smith and cannot escape his fortress-defending, raccoon-wearing past. You decide, dear reader!

Van Halen -- "Panama"

A man (David Lee Roth), a plan (violate the Geneva Conventions by mercilessly torturing car/sex metaphors), a canal (the place where my brain is broken from trying to analyze these lyrics) : PANAMA!!!

 

Jump back, what's that sound
Here she comes, full blast and top down

This song is from the album "1984" (helpfully released in the year 1984), and obviously the most provocative social commentary ever created about that particular year. Also included on this album is the hit single "Jump," which is a song about jumping. The members of Van Halen also enjoy jumping while on stage, as evidenced by the video for "Panama." It is possible that David Lee Roth is actually a kangaroo.

Are you all ready for a sexy fusillade of automotive metaphors?! The song is actually about a car, a car called Panama, or Panama Express or some shit, based on my admittedly perfunctory research, but it's also pretty clear that the car is actually a girl. Right? Or maybe the girl is driving a sweet car? And maybe, just maybe, she and David Lee Roth could have some sex inside of it?

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Model citizen zero discipline

 

Hot shoe! I have no idea what that means. Is she driving so fast and revving the engine so hard that her shoe is actually somehow getting warmer from the heat of the car? Or maybe Mr. Roth was trying to create a new catch phrase: "Did you see that new Prince video? Hot shoe!" I would be on board with that.

 

"Model citizen zero discipline" is just a hodgepodge of nonsense that I refuse to engage with. It also has nothing to do with cars. Get back to the cars, good sir! And the fucking! Don't forget about the fucking.

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Wait, who are you talking to? What does it mean to "lose her in the turn"? Are you describing some kind of chase scene?

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I really like the little guitar solo that leads into the chorus of this song. I also like that the chorus is just the word "Panama" shouted repeatedly. Awesome!

 

Ain't nothin' like it, her shiny machine
Got the feel for the wheel, keep the moving parts clean

 

OK, let's get disgusting up in here! What "moving parts" are we talking about here, you naughty little marsupial? What "wheel" does she "have the feel for"? Let's find out!

 
Hot shoe, burnin' down the avenue
Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom

 

They were sex parts! And the wheel is your penis! Yay! Time to get in the car-pool lane on this freeway of fucking and put our hazard lights on cruise control! Does that work as a metaphor? I've never had sex with a car before. Hot shoe!

 

Don't you know she's coming home with me?
You'll lose her in the turn
I'll get her!

 

Panama, Panama
Panama, Panama

 

I have nothing else to say about this part, so how about some Van Halen fun facts courtesy of Wikipedia?

 

The Van Halen brothers (Eddie and Alex) are Dutch by birth, moved to California in 1962, and started a band called The Broken Combs in 1964, when they were both about 10. They changed their name to The Trojan Rubber Co. in 1972, then Genesis, which was not sustainable for obvious reasons, then Mammoth, and then Van Halen in 1974. I think I like The Broken Combs best of all those names, although Mammoth is pretty cool.

 

Nothing else I'm seeing here is really "fun."

 

Oh yeah, what about the thing with the M&Ms? Did you guys know the real story behind that? You probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. Van Halen was notorious for requesting that venues they played put a bowl of M&Ms in their dressing room with all the brown M&Ms removed. Some people viewed this as evidence that the band was crazy, or super quirky prima donnas, or just fucking with people. However, there was a method to the madness -- they figured (smartly) that this was a good way to figure out if the promoters were actually reading their requirements, some of which were extremely important for safety due to their elaborate stage show. So if they saw brown M&Ms, they would know they needed to inspect the other, more important details to see if everything had been done right. 

 

It is evident that David Lee Roth brought this same razor-sharp attention to detail to bear when writing his lyrics, which are 100% spot on and not even a little bit batshit crazy.

 

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight
I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it
Ah, you reach down, between my legs
Ease the seat back

 

Ewww ewww ewww gross gross.

 

Lots of things are hot in the song. A shoe is hot, David Lee Roth and his presumed lover are running hot, the road is hot. You know what else is hot? Panama, the country, with average highs in the upper 80s. You know what else is hot? Australia! And you know what lives in Australia. JUMP! 

 

She's blinding, I'm flying
Right behind the rear-view mirror now

 

Wha-wha-whaaaat?!

 
Got the feeling, power steering
Pistons popping, ain't no stopping now

 

Nice alliteration here. Also super gross.

 

Panama, Panama

Panama, Panama 

 

Thanks everybody! We'll be back with our next post in another 10 years-ish.

Scorpions -- "Rock You Like a Hurricane"

Hey guys, aren't hurricanes awesome? Yeah, hurricanes! ROCK!!!

It's early morning / The sun comes out / Last night was shaking / And pretty loud

Because a devastating hurricane struck your impoverished community, killing thousands and leaving only destruction and despair in its wake? What a sad yet hopeful song you have penned here, Klaus Meine. I hope this inspires a nation to help you rebuild and put these dark days behind you.

My cat is purring / And scratches my skin / So what is wrong / With another sin?

Uhhh, wait, what? Oh, Klaus. Klaus, Klaus, Klaus. The hurricane was merely a metaphor for your sexual prowess? For shame, sir. And, might I add, you have compounded your folly by writing a bunch of lyrics that make little sense. May a hundred opossums scurry into your house and eye you menacingly while nibbling at the fruit basket you left on the kitchen counter!

The bitch is hungry / She needs to tell / So give her inches / And feed her well

Let's do this line by line. I don't think Blogger will let me do footnotes, so imagine these are footnotes and not the regular stupid comments that I make.

1) Hungry for sex!
2) Tell ... about ... the sex! That she had. With you. Klaus Meine.
3) Sexual reference.
4) Ibid.

More days to come / New places to go / I've got to leave / It's time for a show

This quartet of awesomeness could easily be part of a Broadway musical. I'm imagining it as the closing lines of the opening song, in which a young fresh-faced country girl comes to the big city and is all excited about her new life and is going to Make It Big, but then is slowly worn down to a nub of humanity and becomes a prostitute/drug addict/cast member of Jersey Shore.

Try it out! Each line gets progressively louder and in a higher octave. "More days to come, new places to goooooo, I've got to leave, It's time for a shoooooooowwww!!!!"

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Hey, Klaus Meine! What do these lyrics have to do with anything else you said previously? I thought you were talking about a cat, and your penis and stuff?

Here I am, rock you like a hurricane / Here I am, rock you like a hurricane

Yes, and a hurricane. Right.

So, there are a bunch of good songs about hurricanes: this one, "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young, "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan (not really about a hurricane per se, but play along) ... so how come there are no good songs about like tornados or cyclones or avalanches or earthquakes or other natural disasters? Hmm? Seems like fertile ground for songwriting.

Anyway, I'm downgrading this song to a tropical storm. Just because I can!

And, also, we've established that Klaus Meine doesn't speak or write English very well, so it's sort of funny to imagine him showing up at some poor girl's door and saying "Here I am! Rock you like hurricane!" Although it's funnier if his accent is Russian and not German. And if he's wearing nothing except a giant red ribbon tied around his loins and one of this big furry Russian hats. OK, let's move on.

My body is burning / It starts to shout / Desire is coming / It breaks out loud

I'm pretty sure these are really the lyrics. His body starts to shout, and desire "breaks out loud."

Lust is in cages / 'Til storm breaks loose / Just have to make it / With someone I choose

This song really suffers gramatically from a lack of articles, doesn't it? Come on, Klaus -- definite, indefinite, I don't care, just modify these nouns somehow. I don't ask for much.

And, "lust is in cages"? Squeeee!!!!

The night is calling / I have to go / The wolf is hungry / He runs the show

Klaus Meine: Sorry, baby, the night is calling, I have to go!
Woman: Oh, Klausie, come on ... just a few verses ago you said you had to leave because it was time for a show. Now the night is calling? It's always something with you!
Klaus Meine: Sorry, sweetheart! The wolf is hungry, and he runs the show!
Woman: What?

He's licking his lips / He's ready to win / On the hunt tonight / For love at first sting

Arrgh. If you were going to go with "love at first sting," why not just make the wolf a scorpion? I mean, your band is called the Scorpions, and it wouldn't really ruin the meter of the song and you could say "flicking his tail" instead of "licking his lips" ... you see what I'm saying here, Klaus? What's that? It was the wolf's idea? Yeah, but ... yeah, I know he runs the show, but ... come again? I have to end the blog post with a picture of what?! Read my contract?! (Shuffles papers) Dammit! OK, fine, Klaus Meine, you've won this round!

Duran Duran -- "Notorious"

This song is just a brilliant melange of nonsense and I love it.

Notorious / Notorious/ No-no-notorious

Here we go! I hope you're all bristling with anticipation.

I can't read about it / Burns the skin from your eyes


Anyone see any skin in that diagram? No, me neither. Although, I suppose "burns the aqueous humor from your eyes" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

OK, so Simon LeBon can't read about it, whatever it is, because it singes off his eyelids, I guess ... or, more accurately, it singes off YOUR eyelids. That's right. You no longer have eyelids because Simon LeBon read about it. Sorry, pal. Good luck trying to blink anymore. NO-NO-NOTORIOUS!!!

I'll do fine without it / Here's one you don't compromise

Does this "it" refer to the same thing as the previous antecedent-less "it," or does it refer to the skin from his eyes?

Lies come hard to disguise / They need to fight it out / Not wild about it

These really are the least comprehensible lyrics I've ever seen, bar none, and that's saying something. Simon LeBon might as well have just dubbed the inscrutable cries of the humpback whale over this music. Actually, that would've been kind of cool.

Let's just sit back and enjoy Simon's descent into madness, shall we?

Lay your seedy judgements / Who says they're part of our lives?

Nobody says that. Nobody says "My seedy judgements are part of your lives." Nobody has ever said that. Except Judge Judy. Once. And I refuse to give Judge Judy any publicity on this blog. I'm a Judge Joe Brown man.

I guess the proper response if someone did inexplicably utter those nonsense words, however, would be "Lay your seedy judgements!" That's fairly self-evident.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business

For some reason, I think a lot of the lines in this song would be really funny if Harrison Ford said them in a movie. You know how Harrison Ford doesn't really act anymore, he just barks or growls his lines in a gruff, angry voice? Just imagine these lines as dialogue in a generic Harrison Ford thriller where he is trying to fight back against a corrupt system, or do the right thing against all odds in a world gone mad. Anyone with me here? No? OK, let's move on.

Harrison Ford: (growling) You own the money. You control the witness.
Corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator: (sneering) What are you gonna do about it?
Harrison Ford: (struggling to free himself from hired goons to lunge at corrupt DA/CEO/NASA Administrator) (barking): DON'T MONKEY WITH MY BUSINESS!!!!

OK, now we can move on.

You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it

I don't know if LeBon says "prophets" or "profits" here -- they're homonyms. I can say with 100 percent confidence, though, that it doesn't matter which one he actually says.

These lines work well with that Harrison Ford thing, too. Just saying.

That's why I've done it again / No-no-notorious

What have you done again? And why have you done it? Is there any possible way to know? No. No. Notorious.

Girls will keep the secrets / So long as boys make a noise / Fools run rings to break up / Something they'll never destroy

That first verse was a motherfucking well-structured Socratic discourse compared to this gobbledygook.

Here comes the piece de resistance!

Grand Notorious slam (bam) / And who really gives a damn for a flaky bandit?

The only way the second line makes sense, and I mean the *only* way, is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Head & Shoulders commercial starring Burt Reynolds.

The only way the first line makes sense is if Simon LeBon was trying to get this song used in a Denny's commercial, which also more than likely would've featured Burt Reynolds. Because, goddammit, say what you want about Burt Reynolds, but he moves merchandise!

Don't ask me to bleed about it / I need this blood to survive

Simon LeBon bravely takes a stand against the use of leeches for medical purposes, about a century too late.

OK, those are all the lyrics, but let's just take another jaunt through the chorus so we can once again bask in its total insanity.

You own the money / You control the witness / I'll leave you lonely / Don't monkey with my business / You pay the prophets to justify your reasons / I heard your promise, but I don't believe it / That's why I've done it again / Notorious

You bet your sweet ass you've done it again, LeBon, you magnificent bastard!