"Little Drummer Boy"

I have little to say about this song, which is generally fine. However, as the father of a young child, I can confidently say that when caring for a newborn one values a little peace and quiet above all else, and some kid coming over uninvited to bang out a noisy drum solo would be a uniquely awful gift.

Also, the Dandy Warhols do an excellent cover of this song. Check it out.

I made a Christmas playlist a few weeks ago and have been listening to it almost exclusively, much, I am sure, to my wife and child's chagrin. I have become something of a Christmas music connoisseur, though, and I would like to offer my Top 13 Christmas songs.

13. Sleigh Ride -- The Ronettes

The whole Phil Spector Christmas album is pretty excellent (see #2 on this list as well) and worth listening to, except for the part where Phil Spector bizarrely starts doing a creepy voice-over during the closing number, "Silent Night." That was quickly removed from the playlist.

12. Christmas Wrapping -- The Waitresses

I have no idea who The Waitresses are, but this is a super-fun quirky little Christmas song.

11. All I Want for Christmas Is You -- Mariah Carey

I'm as surprised as you that this ended up on here, but it is so goddamn catchy.


10. Just Like Christmas -- Low

Low is one of those bands that I always forget about, and then whenever I hear them I'm like "Shit, Low is so good." And then I forget about them again. This song is fabulous.

9. Christmas Unicorn -- Sufjan Stevens

Sufjan Stevens has recorded literally almost 100 Christmas songs that are contained in two massive albums, and while there are a handful of traditional songs, they seem to mostly be original compositions. He is ridiculous and insane and I love him. "Hey Guys! It's Christmas Time!" is another great one.

8. Father Christmas -- The Kinks

C'mon, it's the Kinks. Father Christmas! Gimme some money!

7. Christmas in Hollis -- Run-DMC

This song is a rollicking good time.

6. Pretty Paper -- Willie Nelson

C'mon, it's Willie Nelson. Best voice ever.

5. Run Rudolph Run -- Chuck Berry

This one should probably be a little lower but I don't feel like rearranging the whole list. It's good. Also, the lyrics say "Run run Rudolph" but the title is "Run Rudolph Run." Why?

4. 2000 Miles -- The Pretenders

What a lovely song. I don't know why, but this somehow evokes the image of a snowy evening more effectively than any other Christmas song I know.

3. White Christmas -- Otis Redding

What a gorgeous version of this song. It makes the more famous Bing Crosby version sound like all nine of Santa's reindeer crash-landing into a giant Christmas-tree shaped pile of dog shit topping with a star made of putrefying rat carcasses tied together with the intestines of a diseased goat.


2. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) -- Darlene Love

I don't know if I had ever heard this song before this Christmas season, but it has quickly become my favorite. Just fantastic. Hard to describe why -- just listen.


1. A Charlie Brown Christmas -- The Vince Guaraldi Trio

This is, of course, cheating, but how can you pick a single song? The whole album is just so perfect. Nothing says Christmas to me like putting this on while we decorate the tree, and maybe mull some wine, and it's not snowing but sure it could be, and it's warm inside and cold outside and for one of those rare moments everything is perfect.

Thanks everybody! Not sure what this blog is anymore. Luckily, nobody reads it so I will not be asked to explain anytime soon.

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen

 

Yup, I know all of them. They are exotic dancers at Mike's Pleasure Palace on the outskirts of town. Except, ironically, for Dancer.

Hey, did you know Donner and Blitzen are German for thunder and lightning? It makes the reindeer seem a lot more menacing. Also, I always thought it was Donner growing up, then I learned it was actually Donder, but then I guess I just learned that it doesn't matter, and who cares? That seems like the right answer.

 
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

 

No, I only recall those other non-famous ones that you just recited. This is like if you just rattled off U.S. presidents #s 6-15 in order from memory, and acknowledged that I also am familiar with said presidents, and then you knowingly asked me, "BUT do you recall the most famous president of all?" If you presume that I know all the non-famous ones, WHY WOULD I NOT KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS ONE? God damn you and your reindeer games!

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

 

Query: Did the other reindeer make fun of Rudolph because he had a red nose because of his drinking problem, or did Rudolph develop the drinking problem and the red nose because the other reindeer made fun of him? Also, how did Santa get him to sober up enough to guide the sleigh? 

 

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

 

I would like to use this opportunity to point out that there was an ostensibly serious movie starring Ben Affleck, Gary Sinise and Charlize Theron that was inexplicably titled "Reindeer Games," because what the fuck?!

 

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

 

OK, so Santa Claus flies all over the motherloving world every year, presumably encountering all manner of weather -- dust storms, tornadoes, plagues of locusts, robot uprisings, etc. -- and yet on this particular Christmas, there is a little fucking fog and the whole fucking operation has to shut down? This is a new problem that this well-oiled machine of elves and magical fairies and polar bears drinking soda and caribous with wings have not anticipated? Would the little baby Jesus have grown up to be a fearsome hippie peacenik and nailed himself to a cross and rolled a big boulder out of the way after he died and went back up to Heaventown, all in order to have His name subverted in the service of crass commercialism, if he had known it could potentially all be derailed by FOG?

 

Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history"

 

You shitty sycophantic shitheads. Rudolph very nearly died in the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red (metaphorically, of course) due to your merciless taunts and now you want to be his little caribou cronies because he's in the big guy's good graces? Fuck you. Especially you, Vixen. Yeah, that's right. And yes, I'm equating reindeer and caribou even though they are not precisely the same thing! Deal with it! AAAHHHHH!