"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen

 

Yup, I know all of them. They are exotic dancers at Mike's Pleasure Palace on the outskirts of town. Except, ironically, for Dancer.

Hey, did you know Donner and Blitzen are German for thunder and lightning? It makes the reindeer seem a lot more menacing. Also, I always thought it was Donner growing up, then I learned it was actually Donder, but then I guess I just learned that it doesn't matter, and who cares? That seems like the right answer.

 
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?

 

No, I only recall those other non-famous ones that you just recited. This is like if you just rattled off U.S. presidents #s 6-15 in order from memory, and acknowledged that I also am familiar with said presidents, and then you knowingly asked me, "BUT do you recall the most famous president of all?" If you presume that I know all the non-famous ones, WHY WOULD I NOT KNOW THE MOST FAMOUS ONE? God damn you and your reindeer games!

 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

 

Query: Did the other reindeer make fun of Rudolph because he had a red nose because of his drinking problem, or did Rudolph develop the drinking problem and the red nose because the other reindeer made fun of him? Also, how did Santa get him to sober up enough to guide the sleigh? 

 

All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

 

I would like to use this opportunity to point out that there was an ostensibly serious movie starring Ben Affleck, Gary Sinise and Charlize Theron that was inexplicably titled "Reindeer Games," because what the fuck?!

 

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

 

OK, so Santa Claus flies all over the motherloving world every year, presumably encountering all manner of weather -- dust storms, tornadoes, plagues of locusts, robot uprisings, etc. -- and yet on this particular Christmas, there is a little fucking fog and the whole fucking operation has to shut down? This is a new problem that this well-oiled machine of elves and magical fairies and polar bears drinking soda and caribous with wings have not anticipated? Would the little baby Jesus have grown up to be a fearsome hippie peacenik and nailed himself to a cross and rolled a big boulder out of the way after he died and went back up to Heaventown, all in order to have His name subverted in the service of crass commercialism, if he had known it could potentially all be derailed by FOG?

 

Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history"

 

You shitty sycophantic shitheads. Rudolph very nearly died in the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red (metaphorically, of course) due to your merciless taunts and now you want to be his little caribou cronies because he's in the big guy's good graces? Fuck you. Especially you, Vixen. Yeah, that's right. And yes, I'm equating reindeer and caribou even though they are not precisely the same thing! Deal with it! AAAHHHHH!