Men at Work -- "Who Can It Be Now?"

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Go away, don't come 'round here no more

Don't you even want to see who it is, Colin Hay? What if it's the ghost of Ed McMahon with a giant spectral check good for one thousand ghost-dollars? THEN WHAT?!?!

Can't you see that it's late at night? I'm very tired, and I'm not feeling right

Eminently reasonable argument for not wanting company. I'm sure if you just get the door and explain to your mystery visitor that you are a little under the weather they will gladly --

All I wish is to be alone / Stay away, don't you invade my home

Oh, I see. You're not just in a solitary mood, but are actually suffering from some kind of mental illness. My mistake.

Best off if you hang outside / Don't come in - I'll only run and hide

I'm having trouble deciding whether Colin Hay is trying to present a serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia, or whether he is just trying to write a goofy song (remember, this is also the man who penned the eminently goofy "Down Under") that turns out more creepy than goofy.

More evidence for the "goofy" theory:
On the other hand, in the video, Colin seems to be doing his best to look insane, so I guess score one for "serious depiction of paranoid schizophrenia," although his insane face is kind of more clownish than actually mentally disturbed.

I actually searched around on the Internet a little for some kind of canonical interpretation of this song, and the closest thing I could find was a random message board post claiming that Colin Hay once said this song was about trying to avoid bill collectors who would come to his door. The other two predominant theories were "mental illness" and "excessive masturbation," which is probably just a subcategory of mental illness anyway.

Who can it be now?

People whom it could be:

The mailman
A friendly neighbor
"The man," come to take Colin Hay away (see lyric below)
Tony Danza
Oprah
The friendly ghost of Ed McMahon
Colin Hay's mother
A kangaroo
The vengeful ghost of Ed McMahon, hungry for human flesh and/or great deals on quality publications such as "Boys' Life" and "Reader's Digest"*

* Apparently "Boys' Life" is meant for all boys, yet "Reader's Digest" is targeted at a specific reader, most likely Bob Burns of Windham, Conn.

Who can it be knocking at my door? / Make no sound, tip-toe across the floor

I'm bored.

If he hears, he'll knock all day / I'll be trapped, and here I'll have to stay

I thought it was late at night. Or did we skip ahead to a new visitor when we started the second verse? JUST ANSWER THE DOOR COLIN HAY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND --

I've done no harm, I keep to myself / There's nothing wrong with my state of mental health

I and this team of psychiatrists that I keep on call here at Awesomely Bad Lyrics (mostly for Lou Gramm-related purposes, but I find they are coming in handy more than I'd expected) would like to respectfully disagree.

I like it here with my childhood friend / Here they come, those feelings again!

What??

Who can it be now?

In the one minute and thirty-two seconds since you started singing about this, whomever it was has almost certainly departed.

Is it the man come to take me away? / Why do they follow me? / It's not the future that I can see / It's just my fantasy

I think these lines combined with the whole "childhood friend" creep-xtravaganza offer fairly strong evidence that Colin Hay is (awkwardly and poorly) trying to write a song about someone who is suffering from serious mental illness.

On the other hand,

Rick Springfield -- "Jessie's Girl"

Fun fact! Rick Springfield is the only celebrity ever to look like Nick Drake ...

AND Steve Buscemi ...

at some point during his career!!!

Now, before I head out the door to receive my award for "Worst Blog Layout," let's mock some lyrics, shall we?

Jessie is a friend / Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

Look at you, Rick Springfield! Having a friend and all. That's so nice. I sure hope nothing ever happens to screw it up!

But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define / Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

Uh-oh.

And she's watching him with those eyes

Which?

And she's lovin' him with that body / I just know it / Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night / You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

I can't think of anything to say about this. Kind of awkwardly phrased but inoffensive.

So, the next line poses a problem ... all of the Web sites I've checked claim it is "Where can I find a woman like that?" but I am like 90 percent sure he actually says "Why can't I find a woman like that?" Just to be safe, I will make fun of them both.

Where can I find a woman like that?

So far all you've been able to tell us about her is that she has eyes and a body, so my answer would be "literally anywhere."

Why can't I find a woman like that?

Probably because you are a boring, creepy Australian guy who spends most of his time mooning around, trying to look intense and obsessing over his friend's girlfriend.

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change / You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute / I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

1. Why would you feel "dirty" when they start talking cute? Are you like sitting at the next table at the food court in the mall, wearing a fedora and a fake mustache and furtively masturbating with one of those plastic trays covering your lap? Probably.

2. The last line might be the most sensible lyric I have ever posted. Kudos, Rick Springfield!

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me / I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines / Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?

No.