Tommy Tutone -- "867-5309"

Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to / You give me something I can hold on to / I know you'll think I'm like the others before / Who saw your name and number on the wall

*Pop!* That was the sound of my bubble bursting. With just a cursory examination of these lyrics and the realization that this verse includes the words "on the wall," this song really quickly goes from bouncy and wistful to sad and weird and ultra-creepy. (Although, in all fairness, it does remain rather bouncy.)

Jenny, I've got your number / I need to make you mine / Jenny don't change your number / 867-5309

Weird.

Jenny, Jenny, you're the girl for me / You don't know me but you make me so happy

Sad.

I tried to call you before / But I lost my nerve / I tried my imagination / But I was disturbed

Ultra-creepy. This song should be covered by like Staind or Puddle of Mudd or Godsmack or somebody. (Do those bands still exist?)

I am now emotionally devastated because I can never again hear this song in the same way. Before moving on, though, check out this inspired project in which someone used a portion of his or her precious time on earth to dial 867-5309 in a ton of different area codes. I especially like the entry for 678.

Also, this article is mildly amusing, especially the quote from "Tommy 'Tutone' Heath" near the end. Now, let's all agree never to mention Tommy Tutone again.

Europe -- "The Final Countdown"

Please, please, please, before you do anything else, watch this. Ohhhhh my god. I could watch that 100 times in a row. Wow. I am having trouble composing myself and going on with this post. Everyone go back and watch it again all the way through while I pull it together.

Ahem.

DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA .... DA DA DA DA, DA DA DA DA DA DA DA.

Awesome!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome EUROPE!!!!


We're leaving together / But still it's farewell / And maybe we'll come back to earth, who can tell?

Wikipedia says the lyrics to this song were inspired by David Bowie's "Space Oddity." I'm sure Mr. Bowie was absolutely just bursting at the seams with pride when he learned of this.

OK, so clearly the protagonists here are heading into space, but they don't seem to have planned the trip very well. Will we come back to Earth? Who can tell? Initially I thought this was like a post-apocalyptic thing, and these people were heading into space to escape some awful disaster. This would explain the clear lack of foresight. But "Space Oddity" is just about an astronaut, and there's no clear indication here that anything has gone wrong on Earth, so ....

I guess there is no one to blame / We're leaving ground / Will things ever be the same again?

No one to blame for what? What happened? If this is indeed some kind of apocalyptic event, I'm sure there is *someone* to blame. If not, what are you talking about??

It's the final countdown / The final countdown

Woohoo! The persistence of the bombastic keyboard riff that made this song famous indicates to me that this launch is something to be excited about, not a grim flight from a world gone terribly wrong.

We're heading for Venus and still we stand tall

And yet, this excitement is almost surely misplaced. Venus has an atmospheric pressure 93 times that of the Earth, and surface temperatures of 860 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I hope you like breathing carbon dioxide and nitrogen! At least you're standing tall, though, so you have that going for you.

'Cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah

Oh dear. Europe's lead singer, the awesomely named Joey Tempest, apparently believes that there is sentient life on Venus. This crew really should've consulted NASA, or a book, or anyone with a brain in their head, before embarking on this journey.

With so many light years to go and things to be found

Wikipedia: "The nearest known star to the Sun is Proxima Centauri, which is 4.23 light-years away. The fastest outward-bound spacecraft yet sent, Voyager I, has covered 1/600th of a light-year in 30 years and is currently moving at 1/18,000th of the speed of light. At this rate, a journey to Proxima Centauri would take 72,000 years."

Joey Tempest, unless you have discovered a wormhole or have found a way to circumvent the theory of relativity, I think you are in for some serious disappointment and most likely death.

I'm sure that we'll all miss her so / It's the final countdown

What a magical song.

Ice Cube -- "It Was a Good Day"

We'll probably find ourselves back in the '80s soon enough, but today it's time to mix it up a little. If you don't enjoy reading lyrics that contain profanity and might be mildly offensive to some, please skip this entry. If you do enjoy reading lyrics that are awesomely bad, read on!

Here's the video -- I like it because it is basically just depictions of Ice Cube actually doing all the things that he talks about doing in the song. (The lyrics in the video are from the sanitized radio version.) Then at the very end, it takes a bizarre twist that I do not like. This also may be the only music video in history that ends with "TO BE CONTINUED."

I'm also fairly amused by Wikipedia's hilariously straightforward description of the song: "The song's music video and the lyrics itself tell the story of how Ice Cube has a good day in South Central Los Angeles. Throughout the song he enjoys playing basketball, having sex, smoking marijuana (significantly, the song is 4:20 in length), getting drunk, going to his friend Short Dog's house to watch Yo! MTV Raps and later win at Craps and Bones, eating fast food at 2 A.M., and cruising the streets of South Central undisturbed. He even sees the lights on the Goodyear blimp, which remind him that, 'Ice Cube's a Pimp.'"

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank god / I don't know but today seems kinda odd / No barking from the dog, no smog / And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I don't get why having a breakfast "with no hog" qualifies this as a good day. Is Ice Cube Jewish? Does he just not like bacon? Did he just need a rhyme for "smog" and "dog"? Clearly he is not a vegetarian or on a diet, because later in the song he eats at Fatburger.

(Actually, after I wrote this I checked Wikipedia again and apparently Ice Cube is a Muslim, although it's unclear whether he had converted to Islam when this song came out. If this is a faith-based thing, though, does his momma normally cook pork products for breakfast, just to torment him?)

(UPDATE: I just realized that in this very lyric, Ice Cube thanks God ... if he were a Muslim when he wrote this, wouldn't he praise Allah instead? Or maybe he just wrote God into the lyrics to avoid controversy? Or maybe he used it for syllable- or rhyming-related reasons? The mind boggles.)

(UPDATE: One other thing, in the video when he says the line about no hog, there is a frying pan with bacon in it, and the bacon magically transmogrifies into something that looks like scrambled eggs. This doesn't really shed any light on the no-hog mystery, but it's funny. OK, I promise to stop talking about this.)

I got my grub on, but didn't pig out / Finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out / Hooked it up for later as I hit the door / Thinking will I live, another twenty-four

Urban Dictionary lists two definitions for "dig out": 1) to have sex with and 2) to leave somewhere. I will leave it up to your good judgement to decide which one applies here.

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top / And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop

I always assumed this was some kind of sexual metaphor, but based on the music video, I think he is actually talking about his car.

Had to stop at a red light / Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight / And everything is alright / I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

No comment on this delightful little quatrain, so it's time for fun facts!
Fun Fact: Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.
Fun Fact #2: Ice Cube is a cousin of Del tha Funkee Homosapien, an artist whose music I enjoy in an entirely unironic way. Even if you don't like hip-hop that much, I implore you to check out this album.

Called up the homies and Im askin' y'all / Which park are y'all playin basketball? / Get me on the court and I'm trouble / Last week fucked around and got a triple double / Freaking niggaz every way like M.J. / I can’t believe today was a good day

Ice Cube is the type of person who compiles his own statistics in his head while playing a pickup game. I do not want to play basketball with him.

Drove to the pad and hit the showers / Didn’t even get no static from the cowards / 'Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me / Saw the police and they rolled right past me / No flexin', didn’t even look in a nigga’s direction as I ran the intersection

I don't really get this part. Who are "the cowards"? Who tried to blast him? In the video the police roll up right when he says the "cowards" line, but it doesn't seem like he's talking about the police, since he references them two lines later. Is this just a generic term for people who don't like Ice Cube? My favorite interpretation is that there is a gang in South Central that calls themselves "The Cowards."

Went to Short Dog's house, they was watchin' Yo! MTV Raps / What’s the haps on the craps? / Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em / Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em / With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven / Seven even back door little joe

This is probably my least favorite part of the day. Watching MTV and playing craps sounds kind of boring. And re: the final line above, what the hell?

Also, I'm sure you don't care, but Short Dog is a rapper from a group called "Da Lench Mob" that I have never heard of.

I picked up the cash flow / Then we played bones, and I’m yellin' domino / Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A., today was a good day

I have played dominoes a few times and have never heard of yelling "DOMINO!" but apparently it is a thing.

I don't know how this last line is supposed to be punctuated: He could be saying that people he knows got killed, just not in South Central L.A. ... or nobody he knows got killed, and it was a good day in South Central L.A.

Left my nigga's house paid / Picked up a girl been tryin' to fuck since the twelve grade / It's ironic, I had the brew she had the chronic / The Lakers beat the Supersonics

This is where Mr. Cube definitely starts to run off the rails. First of all, this is the third different woman he has mentioned in the song (at least it seems like they're all different people). Are we expected to believe that he makes plans with, and has sex with, all three of them at different points during the day? I mean, I guess he can do whatever he wants during his imaginary "good day," but at least make it a little more plausible.

Also, why is it "ironic" that he had the brew and she had the chronic? Who cares what team the Lakers beat? This verse needs to be rewritten.

I felt on the big fat fanny / Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny / And my dick runs deep so deep so deep/ Put her ass to sleep

Um, yeah, so does this one.

Woke her up around one / She didn’t hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun / Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting / Took another sip of the potion, hit the three-wheel motion

Three-wheel motion: "while driving a low rider, you make a fast turn and your car dips on one side thus having on wheel in the air" (sic)

I was glad everything had worked out / Dropped her ass off and then chirped out / Today was like one of those fly dreams / Didn't even see a berry flashing those high beams

Chirp out: "to bounce, or leave a spot."
Hey there, Urban Dictionary, can you use that in a sentence for me?
"Yo ima chirp out n get my grub on."
OK! Sorry I asked!

Berry flashing those high beams: a police car trying to get a driver to pull over

No helicopter looking for a murder / Two in the morning got the Fatburger

Did Ice Cube commit a murder recently? Does he just not like the sound of helicopters?

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp / And it read "Ice Cube's a pimp"

This might be my favorite line in any song, ever.

Drunk as hell but no throwing up / Halfway home and my pager still blowing up / Today I didn't even have to use my AK / I gotta say it was a good day

I concur!

Foreigner -- "Cold As Ice"

I hate to do two Foreigner songs so close together because there so many other bands out there just begging for the treatment, but I thought this would work well in tandem with "Hot Blooded." Don't despair, there are plenty of other Foreigner jams out there to get us through those long cold winter nights.

Fun facts: Foreigner was originally known as "Trigger," and our old buddy Lou Gramm was originally known as "Louis Grammatico."

Now, take a gander at Signore Grammatico in this 1993 video, and then feast your eyes on the updated version of ol' Louie G ....












Oh, my. Look at that penetrating stare. That disdainful sneer. It's almost as if he's got no soul. In fact, it's almost like he's as cold as .... something .... it's on the tip of my tongue ....










You're as cold as ice, you're willing to sacrifice our love

Yeah, that's it.

So first of all, it always has tickled me that Foreigner sings both "Hot Blooded" and "Cold as Ice." The two songs have a kind of internal logic, too, when taken together -- it makes perfect sense that a dude with a "fever of 103" would pretty much think any human with a normal body temperature was "as cold as ice." Check-plus on internal logic for Mr. Louseph Grammstein! Check-minus-minus for the rest of this song.

You never take advice, someday you'll pay the price, I know

This sounds like a threat. Also, I cannot blame this woman for declining to take advice from a man whose borderline-psychotic ramblings disturbed me to the point that I called for his arrest and/or hospitalization.

I've seen it before, it happens all the time / You're closing the door, you leave the world behind

I like how rock lyricists so often feel the need to demonstrate their worldliness by telling us how often they have seen relationships fail. Everyone knows that relationships fail. We want to know *why* they fail and how we can cope. I'm also fairly sure that this relationship is not failing because one partner is "leaving the world behind," but rather because she is leaving Mr. Gramm behind as retribution for his creepy attempts at philandering.

Naturally, Lou copes by throwing out wild accusations and threats.

You're digging for gold, you're throwing away / A fortune in feelings, but someday you'll pay

Thanks, Lou! See you in December.

REO Speedwagon -- "Keep on Loving You"

First of all, check out this video and tell me that Kevin Cronin (who now apparently favors short spiky dyed-blond hair over this shaggy afro) doesn't look like some kind of goofy love child of Andy Samberg and Michael Showalter. Also, can anyone tell me what game the two band members are playing at about the 1:15 mark? It looks sort of fun.

Etc., etc.!

You should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby / There was somethin' missin'

I want to say right off the bat that this song is just entirely incoherent. When I started this post I could only really remember the chorus, and I was going to have such a good time making Viagra jokes (always comedy gold) and warning Kevin Cronin that he should potentially see a doctor, as I am wont to do. However, after reading and re-reading the two verses, I can honestly say that I really don't know what this is supposed to be about. It is definitely not about wanting to have sex all night, which meaning is what I had initially hoped for.

You should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe / But you didn't listen

This is kind of vaguely threatening taken on its own. So, this song is definitely about a relationship gone bad. I can say that much for sure. Still a little dicey on the details though.

You played dead / But you never bled / Instead you lay still in the grass / All coiled up and hissin'

?!

I had no clue Cronin sang this here, but now every time I hear this part of the song I will giggle. And what are we talking about here? I'm tired. So, so tired.

And though I know all about those men / Still I don't remember / Cause it was us baby, way before then / And we're still together

What does it say about this song that I have literally no idea whether the last line should contain the word "were" or "we're"?

And I meant, every word I said / When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever

Actually, this lyric is not bad, just awesome. It almost makes me cry. Seriously. I don't care that the rest of the song makes very little sense and thus there is no context in which to place it. Just apply it to whatever personal situation you want to think of. I'm sure we all have lost loves of whom we often think, wondering how our lives would be had things only worked out differently ... hang on, I'm getting a call from my agent.

(ring, ring)

Hello? .... What do you mean, what am I doing? .... Yes, I'm aware that my blog is supposed to be humorous -- what are you trying to say? .... Well, I'm just feeling a little sentimental right now because I've been listening to REO Speedwagon over and over again, and there were some funny bits in the beginning anyway, weren't there? And how can you even read the post yet because I'm still .... I see. .... Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. .... Fuck you too! .... .... .... Yes, I'm still coming over for dinner on Thursday. Say hi to your mother for me.

Ahem! I'm back. What was I saying?

And I'm gonna keep on lovin you / Cause it's the only thing I wanna do / I don't wanna sleep / I just wanna keep on lovin you

(Attempts to summon the will to make amusing Viagra joke, bursts into tears, shuts down computer and runs sobbing out the front door)
(Tears off shirt in the middle of the street and reaches toward the sky a la Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption)
(Is immediately arrested)

BadLyricsBlogger REVEALED

I'd like to give a belated welcome to those of you who checked me out via The Comics Curmudgeon.
Thanks to Josh for the shout-out. (Is that hyphenated?) As a special reward, I would like to reveal my secret identity! Haha, just kidding, of course. I'm just an average guy of whom you've probably never heard. Ha! Just kidding again, of course. I kill me.
New post coming shortly.

Rick Springfield -- "Jessie's Girl"

Fun fact! Rick Springfield is the only celebrity ever to look like Nick Drake ...

AND Steve Buscemi ...

at some point during his career!!!

Now, before I head out the door to receive my award for "Worst Blog Layout," let's mock some lyrics, shall we?

Jessie is a friend / Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

Look at you, Rick Springfield! Having a friend and all. That's so nice. I sure hope nothing ever happens to screw it up!

But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define / Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

Uh-oh.

And she's watching him with those eyes

Which?

And she's lovin' him with that body / I just know it / Yeah 'n' he's holding her in his arms late, late at night / You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

I can't think of anything to say about this. Kind of awkwardly phrased but inoffensive.

So, the next line poses a problem ... all of the Web sites I've checked claim it is "Where can I find a woman like that?" but I am like 90 percent sure he actually says "Why can't I find a woman like that?" Just to be safe, I will make fun of them both.

Where can I find a woman like that?

So far all you've been able to tell us about her is that she has eyes and a body, so my answer would be "literally anywhere."

Why can't I find a woman like that?

Probably because you are a boring, creepy Australian guy who spends most of his time mooning around, trying to look intense and obsessing over his friend's girlfriend.

I play along with the charade, there doesn't seem to be a reason to change / You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute / I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

1. Why would you feel "dirty" when they start talking cute? Are you like sitting at the next table at the food court in the mall, wearing a fedora and a fake mustache and furtively masturbating with one of those plastic trays covering your lap? Probably.

2. The last line might be the most sensible lyric I have ever posted. Kudos, Rick Springfield!

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don't see in me / I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines / Ain't that the way love's supposed to be?

No.

Foreigner -- "Hot Blooded"

Yippee!!!

Please have a seat ... we're going to be here for a while.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see / I got a fever of a hundred and three

a) I don't think I want to know what "it" is.
b) I've said it before and I'll say it again: Please consult a physician at once!

Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded

Asking a woman if she "do(es) more than dance" would be incredibly insulting, in my opinion. However, if followed by repeated statements that one is "hot blooded," the woman would probably be less insulted than concerned about your mental health. Please consult a psychiatrist, Lou Gramm.

You don't have to read my mind, to know what I have in mind

... Because I am about to tell you in explicit, juvenile, and frightening detail.

Honey you oughta know / Now you move so fine, let me lay it on the line / I wanna know what you're doin' after the show

OK, Mr. Gramm, you've "la(id) it on the line" and she's clearly not interested. Why don't you just lay down for a bit and let's see if that fever will go down a little ... oh, you're going to take the insanity up a notch instead? I see.

Now it's up to you, we can make a secret rendezvous / Just me and you, I'll show you lovin' like you never knew

"You see, I am in possession of a pornographic 'video-tape' containing images of man and beast performing unspeakable acts on each other. Interested? Yes? No? Hmm?"

Also, why the sudden need for secrecy? I'm confused.

If it feels alright, maybe you can stay all night / Shall I leave you my key?

Um, Mr. Gramm, I believe the way it works is that the lady is supposed to give you *her* key. Unless, of course, by "key," you mean ... oh.

But you've got to give me a sign, come on girl, some kind of sign / Tell me, are you hot, mama? You sure look that way to me

I think if you haven't received a sign by now, she's probably not that interested. Also, she may appear hot because you have a dangerously high body temperature and are hallucinating. Please see a doctor, Lou Gramm. I have my car right here. I'd be happy to take you to the emergency room. Oh, sorry, you're not done?

Are you old enough? / Will you be ready when I call your bluff?

What?? Seriously, what? These might be the two creepiest and least romantic questions of all time. Any woman in her right mind would slowly back away and possibly alert the authorities upon hearing this. Well, actually, she probably would have left the conversation about five minutes ago, but that's neither here nor there.

Is my timing right? / Did you save your love for me tonight?

Timing is the least of your problems. The second question is also extremely creepy. It sounds like the kind of thing a serial killer would ask his victim after he had him or her tied up in the basement.

Yeah I'm hot blooded, check it and see / Feel the fever burning inside of me / Come on baby, do you do more than dance? / I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded, I'm hot

"The fever" ...

Now it's up to you, can we make a secret rendezvous? / Oh, before we do, you'll have to get away from you know who

Jesus, this song is really weird. Does Lou Gramm already know this person? Up until now it seemed like he was addressing some random girl at a show. Who is "you know who"? So weird and creepy.

Hot blooded, every night / Hot blooded, you're looking so tight / Hot blooded, now you're driving me wild / Hot blooded, I'm so hot for you, child / Hot blooded, I'm a little bit high / Hot blooded, you're a little bit shy / Hot blooded, for your sweet sweet thing

Eeesh. The outro reaches an insane new crescendo of creepiness. It seriously sounds like he's talking about child molestation. I think I'm going to take this post and move it to my new blog, http://disconcertinglydementedlyrics.blogspot.com. Also, if any law-enforcement officers are reading this (unlikely), I would like to ask that you immediately take Mr. Lou Gramm into custody.

Night Ranger -- "Sister Christian"

I have to say, I love this song more than I love my own sister (not really true), but I have been looking at these lyrics for several minutes and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it's about. I mean, I know what it's about, but without the help of Dick Wikipedia, I would still be in the dark. These lyrics are totally opaque and bizarre, which is not always a bad thing, but come on, this is friggin' Night Ranger, for Jeff's sake. Let's take a look, shan't we?

Sister Christian / Oh the time has come / And you know that you're the only one / To say O.K.

I have no idea what the hell you are talking about, but I am intrigued by your plaintive keyboard intro. Please continue.

Where you going / What you looking for / You know those boys / Don't want to play no more with you / It's true

At this point, my best guess is that this is a song about a 7-year-old transvestite.

You're motoring / What's your price for flight / In finding Mister Right / You'll be alright tonight

According to the aforementioned Mr. Wikipedia, "The lyric, 'You're motoring. What's your price for flight? In finding Mr. Right?'" is the subject of much debate." I mean, I would say that it could be the subject of much consternation, or befuddlement, or utter apathy, or suicidal depression, but debate? Really? Are people sitting around debating the meaning of this lyric? Shouldn't they be too busy rocking out and such? I mean, the idea that this lyric is the subject of much debate is about as believable as the idea that a grown man would sit at his computer for the better part of an hour and try to parse the ... oh. I see what you did there. Damn you, Richard Q. Wikipedia!!!!!

Babe you know / You're growing up so fast / And mama's worrying / That you won't last / To say let's play

The first four lines of this verse kind of make sense if you don't consider any of the other lyrics that preceded or followed them. In reality, this is a song about a young girl (the sister of one of the band members!) who I guess is sexually maturing faster than said band member would like. Fine. Not a terrible idea for a song. Kind of touching, if done properly. But why the lyric "You know those boys don't want to play no more with you?" Why will she not last to say "Let's play?" What is all this with the playing? Wouldn't the boys want to play with her even more, because she will potentially have sex with them? Or is that supposed to mean that the boys are no longer playing, but trying to have sex with her? Doesn't she know this? When exactly is she supposed to say, "Let's play?" Is this like one of Erikson's stages of development or something? I'm kind of drunk right now.

Sister Christian / There's so much in life / Don't you give it up / Before your time is due / It's true / It's true yeah

This lyric is actually fine. Not Faulkner-esque or anything, but fine. Let me take this opportunity to say, "IT'S TRUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE, YEEEEEEAAAAAAH-EAH-EAH!!!" Did I mention that this song is awesome?

Motoring / What's your price for flight / You've got him in your sight / And driving thru the night

This is nonsense.

Please go back to the video for this (Is this the real video or just some weird MTV thing?) and marvel at the band's mullet-perms ... a rare and delicious combo. Then check out what happens at exactly the four-minute mark. Thank you all for coming!

Mr. Mister -- "Broken Wings"

First, let's all bask in the awesomelybadness of this video. Around the 1:48 mark, lead singer Richard Page appears to be drinking out a woman's purse. The whole scene in the church is absolutely priceless, and the bird's little head shimmy at 4:36 makes me giggle for some reason. Go watch the whole thing right now. It's totally worth it. The hairdos, the excessive emoting ... just ... just perfect.

And now, before I go launch awesomelybadvideos.blogspot.com, let's do this thing!

Baby, don't understand / Why we can't just hold on to each other's hands

This one is easy. Birds do not have hands. Next line.

This time might be the last, I fear / Unless I make it all too clear / I need you so, ohhhh...

Driving around aimlessly and looking emotionally overwrought probably isn't going to do the trick. Maybe he should try talking to this avian goddess who has bewitched him so, or give her some erotically packaged birdseed or something. Am I taking this bird thing too far? Yes!

Take these broken wings / And learn to fly again, learn to live so free

I don't get what's going on here. Does he want to save his relationship, or is the relationship over and he's trying to get on with his life? I mean, this whole bird/wings/flying metaphor is exceedingly clever and original, but maybe it's too clever by half, or something. I think I'm running off the rails here.

When we hear the voices sing / The book of love will open up and let us in

This line just really doesn't make sense in any context.

Baby, I think tonight / We can take what was wrong and make it right

Brilliant songwriting. Nothing more to say.

Baby, it's all I know / That you're half of the flesh and blood that makes me whole

I am starting to wonder what Mr. Page was drinking out of that purse.

So the song then goes on for nearly three more minutes, without any significant variation in the lyrics. I think my brain is as broken as Richard Page's wings.

Journey -- "Any Way You Want It"

This is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Any way you want it / That's the way you need it

I mean, this is basically the entire song. After parsing this awkward syntax, I believe the message here is that one should be able to have whatever one wants, regardless of the consequences. Of course, we're talking about sex because this song is from the '80s, but I like to think that the message also applies to things like bank robberies and paying taxes. I think Steve Perry probably has read this book and voted for this guy. Or, maybe he's just horny.

She loves to laugh / She loves to sing / She does everything / She loves to move / She loves to groove / She loves the lovin' things

OK, message received, loud and clear. This girl is a groupie, or perhaps a prostitute, who is willing to fulfill Steve Perry's weirdest sexual fantasies. Excellent job rhyming "move" and "groove" here, but "she loves the lovin' things?" Wtf??

Ooh, all night, all night / Oh, every night / So hold tight, hold tight / Ooh, baby, hold tight

Ah, now we make with the lovin' things. Nice. Hmm? What's that you say? You want to imagine Steve Perry singing this song while dressed as Robocop? That's so weird, because .... gaaah!!!!


I was alone / I never knew / What good love could do / Ooh, then we touched / Then we sang /About the lovin' things

I think it is safe to say that there are three schools of thought on these lyrics:

1. The narrator is a hopeless virgin who is being seduced by an older woman -- this definitely explains the clear lack of knowledge of sexual terminology.
2. The narrator is a simple robotic police officer who has never known the simple human emotion of love or the true meaning of the phrase "lovin' things."
3. The narrator is Steve Perry, and the lyrics are just awesomely bad.

I totally hope it's #2.